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Emotional/sexual


Keylee

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Hi Iam new to this forum but just looking for a little advice.

 

I have been in a long term relationship for 15 years we have two kids.

My husband can be difficult at times.

He can be very controlling however I have always stood up to him on that point and still go out with friends and family ect despite him possibly being in a huff or upset about it.

He can also be loving but can change quickly.

 

My main issue at the moment is when I am asleep I have been awoken by him trying to have sex with me or him doing foreplay on me.at the time I am half asleep so push him away or turn away and he tries again. I become really embarrassed the next day when I remember bits of it but feel to embarrassed to talk about it but it just makes me feel insecure and dirty about it. I have read online that some men enjoy this but unsure if it’s right as we are in a relationship? Advice please no judgement. I also caught his camera filming me in the shower the other day and I confronted him, to which he replied I only want some nice pics.

 

I feel I have no one to speak to as my friends would think I’m crazy for being in this situation. I am also embarrassed! I can’t explain why I stay in the relationship but find it hard to leave. I have previously left him but he made my life very difficult and he did change his ways so I took him back.

I also change my mind maybe I’m crazy and it’s normal ect

 

Thanks for listening as I’m unsure who else to talk too

Kaylee x

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You waking up to him attempting to have sex with you, to me, kinda gray, I mean... you’ve been married for 15 years... what are you embarrassed about? That statement is making me curious what type of lens you are viewing the world through. Sex with a spouse of 15 years shouldn’t make you feel embarrassed, chicken or egg, does he make you feel embarrassed or do you have conservative views towards sex?

 

The filming without your consent, no no no no, not ok.

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If he only exhibited the being in a huff about you going out with friends, I would've recommended marital counseling. The sexual things and photos should be a dealbreaker for you. I would be sickened and scared, and really worried about those horrible things progressing to even worse things.

 

Start getting your ducks in a row. Get him off of any bank accounts and credit cards you've added him to. See a lawyer. Think about who will temporarily live where, whatever is in your best interest, whatever the lawyer advises. Confide in a family member, no matter how embarrassing. They need to know the egregiousness and to be aware of safety concerns after he's given divorce papers. Be strong, and be prepared to call the police if he acts crazy. This will help you to get a case against him if need be, for restraining orders and possibly supervised child custody arrangements.

 

He's mentally imbalanced, so use great caution. Call an abuse hotline if you feel the need. Take care.

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Sorry I should have been more clear. I am asleep when he starts it and I wake up and he is already having sex with me or preforming foreplay so I feel confused sometimes I feel like I’m dreaming until I actually wake, then he pretend like it wasn’t even happening. I have spoke to him in the past as this was something he has done previously and I told him how I felt it’s not something I like when I’m still asleep, different if I am awake.

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You waking up to him attempting to have sex with you, to me, kinda gray, I mean... you’ve been married for 15 years... what are you embarrassed about? That statement is making me curious what type of lens you are viewing the world through. Sex with a spouse of 15 years shouldn’t make you feel embarrassed, chicken or egg, does he make you feel embarrassed or do you have conservative views towards sex?

 

The filming without your consent, no no no no, not ok.

 

^This. I'm not clear from your post what is really happening here. Sounds a bit like your husband wants to have sex, tries to get you in the mood, but you aren't interested or too tired? But why are you too embarrassed to talk about your sex life with someone you've been married to for 15 years, have children with.... How is your sex life overall? Do you have regular sex or has it stopped some time ago?

 

The filming/taking photos without your consent is quite frankly not only an absolute no, but criminal in some jurisdictions. That said, I'm still not clear what's really going on between you and your husband, what's going on with your sex life and your relationship and so not ready to crucify him as an evil man or scream that you must leave him. I really don't know from your post if he is just a jerk or a husband who is rejected sexually far too much and reaching too far....instead of talking or walking on you.

 

Can you clarify a bit OP?

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Yeah we have regular sex considering I work night shifts and he works Opposite shifts but at least once/twice a week.

 

Im embarrassed that he is having sex with me whilst I’m asleep and feel a little uneasy about it. Different if we are both awake at the time.

I find it hard to discuss as when I wake he may already be having sex with me or performing foreplay. then he quickly stops and pretends like nothing has happened.

Overall relationship he can be very charming and loving but he will change if I say something he doesn’t like or I’m texting on my phone he becomes jealous and starts questioning me about it ect.

He has always been jealous but we have worked on that.

 

He has never hit me but has pushed me in arguments.

 

I’m unsure if him starting sex whilst I’m asleep is ok as we are in a relationship or should I be worried about it?

 

I do love him and know relationships have ups and downs but I’m worried these are red flags and I shouldn’t be pushing it under the carpet?

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It hasn’t happened for a while now as last time I almost left him.

When he has pushed me I feel very scared as it sounds silly but I’m unsure what he is capable of when angry as he is like a different person. Can be very intimidating.

 

It's not silly at all. What he is doing is meant to scare and intimidate you and it is abuse. Just because it hasn't reached a point where he broke your ribs or punched you in the face, doesn't change the fact that you are married to a man who will abuse you at will.

 

Taking photos of you naked without your consent is also abuse in this context. Another way he is expressing his power and control over you. So is the whole thing of trying to have sex with you when you are in deep sleep and he knows this. Another form of I can do things to you without your consent therefore I'm in control. This is all forms of abuse.

 

So yeah, get your ducks in a row and leave. This isn't going to get better, tends to get worse. When you stand up to him, he just changes tactics and that's typical of abusers. They don't change, deep down they don't think that what they do is wrong, they feel completely entitled to causing harm to others and get off on it. So please get a pitbull lawyer and do not stick around for more of this. Since you have children, please get expert advice on how to manage this and how to get all of you out this. This is highly damaging for your children as well. Don't think for a minute that they aren't aware of the toxic dynamic even if they don't know what happens in the bedroom, the tension bleeds out and his toxic attitudes is what they are learning or are having to deal with and deflect themselves.

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Sorry to hear this. Make an appt with your doctor MD and ask for a referral to a therapist Privately and confidentially. Do not tell him. It's not about sex it's the gaslighting,dishonesty and not feeling safe in your own home.

 

You can talk to someone, but you need a professional. It sounds like you are afraid to leave. It's possible this is an abusive relationship, but you need to talk to a professional and start deciding about the saftely and mental health of yourself and your kids. You need to take some countermeasures, For example lock the door in the shower.

I also caught his camera filming me in the shower the other day and I confronted him, to which he replied I only want some nice pics.

 

I feel I have no one to speak to as my friends would think I’m crazy for being in this situation. I have previously left him but he made my life very difficult

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The filming/taking photos without your consent is quite frankly not only an absolute no, but criminal in some jurisdictions.

 

Having sex with an unconscious person is also criminal. Kaylee, you may give him a pass because he's your husband, but he's technically doing it without your consent. It obviously hurts you because you feel embarrassed.

 

Stupid question, but have you told him to stop? It doesn't matter if he's your husband. He doesn't get to have sex with you whenever or however he wants, just because he's done it before. You have the right to say no at any time.

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He's objectified you.

In other words, if he wanted consexual sex, he'd be making love to you. But helping himself to you when you are vulnerable and asleep has nothing to do with as a person, but you as more of an object.

 

That and taking vulnerable pictures of you without your consent or sometimes knowledge. You are reduced to an object that has no say, that he takes advantage of.

 

Your story made me very uncomfortable and concerned for you.

 

You feel embarrassed, uneasy and sometimes frightened for very good reasons. You need to listen to what your gut is telling you.

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Thank you for all the advice and support, I know that you are all right. I have some difficult decisions to make.

 

I just wanted confirmation that I wasn’t being over concerned about the behaviour.

Unfortunately my husband is main childcare for our kids when I am at work and vice versa. Therefore It won’t be a clean breakaway

 

Thanks again for listening

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What you can do is get to a physician for an evaluation and referral to a therapist. Also do you think his voyeurism and creepy crossing of boundaries is limited to you or do you think he does this to random people or your children? It's odd you feel ok with him being alone with the kids given his lack of respect for boundaries privacy and inappropriate sexual behavior.

 

What you can do when he is not home is install a lock on every door in the house, sleep in separate bedrooms, lock the door when showering and have a talk with your children about things. Have a security company check your home for cameras, especially bedrooms, bathrooms, private areas, etc. You don't feel safe in your own home because... it's not a safe place. Get your children into a child care situation or with family, friends, babysitting groups etc until you have some answers.

Unfortunately my husband is main childcare for our kids when I am at work and vice versa. Therefore It won’t be a clean breakaway

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Kids are 6 and 11.

He would not do anything to the children or he would never see them again!! They are both at an age they would speak to me and I’m 100% he wouldn’t harm them.

 

I don’t think he thinks it’s wrong as a few have said I think he feels entitled to as we are married.

Is there ways to find cameras if he had hidden some he is much more tech Savey than me

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I’m unsure if him starting sex whilst I’m asleep is ok as we are in a relationship or should I be worried about it?

the very fact that you've asked him not to do it again but he has done it again is what is "not normal." There are plenty of people out there that enjoy being awoken to foreplay etc but since you are not one of them and he refuses to adhere to your wishes is akin to rape.

 

If you are going to stay with him you should insist on him getting the therapy he needs to understand that when someone tells him "no" then he should be listening and not assuming that because he is your husband, he is entitled.

 

Filming you without your consent is wrong. His behaviour is abhorrent and it makes me wonder what he is doing with/to other women either in person or via the internet. His accusations of you when you are on your phone sounds like projection to me.

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