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Thread: Expressed Feelings

  1. #1
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    Expressed Feelings

    Hello
    Here is my situation hopefully you can shed some light. Been in a relationship for the last 2 years with my BF. Of course Valentine's Day just pasted and the previous year we exchanged presents. But this year he shows up with nothing. I have to admit I was looking forward to it. He came the day before to spend the night everything was fine woke up next day on Friday did the usual things in the morning. Still nothing I tried to wait it out and said..do you want to do anything today. He said no just stay home and watch tv. I'm like ok. But as the day goes on. I couldn't hide my feelings any longer. I ask nicely, do you know what today is?..he says yes..wondering why we aren't celebrating it and you didn't get me anything I am kinda disappointed. He replies like annoyed.. I don't really celebrate holidays. I said 'That's not true we celebrated last year and you did this..etc." I said "it's not the monetary amount but a card or box of chocolates just something to show me that you appreciate me" . He says don't be silly i do. But then i said it's not really fair I gave you presents on all the holidays (his bday just passed and gave him something really nice) He said you shouldn't have gotten me anything, not necessary. I replied "but that's what couples do in relationships". So Im it kinda blew me away. He never replied with sorry didn't me to hurt you..or we will make it up some other time.. It made me feel like my feelings didn't matter at all. I even said I bet you celebrated it with your ex..he answers well not the last couple years..they were together 7 so ok not all but more then 1 time. Hard for me not to compare to his ex thinking he was more in love with her then me. It was like a wake up call slap in the face. I have never felt this way in any of my relationships regards to holidays (been married 2x ). Unless it was a breakup..but not when your in a happy one?? He even said if you continue I can go home and I gave him a headache now. Please don't misunderstand I am a giving person and treat the person very nice and do things for them to make them feel special. Don't know why I think how you treat others...they would be the same way if your both in love. I have been going thru alot with one of my kids (attempted suicide) and i guess it would have really made my day. BTW I did buy him something expense and decided not to give him it..and am planning to return it. Why should I invest in someone who can care less about me. ps. He makes 2x more money than me...but a card is only a $1.00 so no excuse that maybe he didn't have the money.

    Please keep comment respectful and be understanding. I feel this is a toxic relationship..possibly he's narcissistic or the least very selfish. Stone walling when every I engage in even the slight subject of us or my thoughts. How can I continue without feeling resentful to him. This is someone I am supposed to be in love with. How come I feel a black cloud has come over my heart. He never expresses his feelings beside I love you. Would he even care if I walked away from this relationship (I don't think so) he would be like.. ok if that what you want. I guess with other signs that were small...it affected my self esteem. What should I do. Thank you for your help..


    Nice Girl Finishes Last

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I think people throw the word 'toxic' around lightly. It isn't a toxic relationship; it's a relationship where the two of you hold different ideas of what constitutes love and affection.

    Aside from not getting you a Valentine's card, what is the rest of the relationship like?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by confusedmee
    I feel this is a toxic relationship..possibly he's narcissistic or the least very selfish. Stone walling when every I engage in even the slight subject of us or my thoughts. How can I continue without feeling resentful to him. This is someone I am supposed to be in love with. How come I feel a black cloud has come over my heart. He never expresses his feelings beside I love you. Would he even care if I walked away from this relationship (I don't think so) he would be like.. ok if that what you want. I guess with other signs that were small...it affected my self esteem. What should I do. Thank you for your help..


    Nice Girl Finishes Last
    I mean if this ^ is what you think about him and how you feel, then you don't stay, you leave. It's odd how you say that this is a happy relationship and then end your post with this. Nothing about this sounds like a good or happy relationship at all.

    Overall, this looks like a forest of red flags. Meaning that when a person suddenly changes their behavior, it's usually because they are checking out of the relationship or otherwise are taking you for granted. Pay careful attention to what he said about his ex - sure they celebrated except the last two years before break up. What this should tell you is that this guy will become a jerk, but still use you as long as you are willing to put up with his poor treatment of you or until he finds a new replacement for you, whichever comes first. Basically, the writing is already on the wall.

    So in your shoes, I'd be done with him and focus on my life. It sounds like you have your hands full already and don't need him to drag you down any more. When you get rid of a toxic partner, it's amazing how much better and brighter your life becomes.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Why is he hanging out at your place this much doing nothing? Unfortunately it sounds like he's become complacent and just enjoys coasting along disregarding your feelings. In other words - checked out.

    Taking some idiotic "i don't believe in it" rebel stance to stick it to you is something you need to observe and take note of in the contexts of the rest of his laziness and coasting.

    It's possible his ex dumped him finally because of what you are seeing now. Do not be his free bed and breakfast with benefits. kick him to the curb.
    Originally Posted by confusedmee
    He came the day before to spend the night everything was fine woke up next day on Friday did the usual things in the morning. He said no just stay home and watch tv. I'm like ok. I even said I bet you celebrated it with your ex..he answers well not the last couple years..they were together 7 so ok not all but more then 1 time.

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    Member proseyxi's Avatar
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    Woah, before we get overwhelmed here, is it just this V day that is the problem or do you constantly notice the same pattern? Like, he is not giving as much as you want in your relationship or that your languages of expressing love are completely different?

    Bringing the ex into the conversation was a mistake. You don`t live in a current relationship what you lived or didn`t live in a past one. They are completely different things. But his unwillingness to have a conversation about your feelings and trying to educate himself on how his partner sees things is a red flag. If he is making you feel underappreciated and undervalued (is this a word ?) all the time, then I suggest you take time to reconsider the relationship. Yet it would be wise not to base your judgement on a single event.

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    Thanks for your comments...I should have not put down happy as if everything is perfect..its not or I wouldn't be posting on here. He's damaged goods..i've come to realize or maybe emotionally unavailable. I too have baggage but i start a clean slate with each person I enter into a relationship with. I know i wrote toxic because i feel I can't communicate at all with him about serious things like our relationship or feelings..he's always like everything is ok..and changes subject. We are not intimate at ALL do to the fact he has issues with that department and wont go to doc or address the issue..I nagged him for a year about that.. and nothing. He told me he has no desire and it doesn't bother him. And I'm like hello I still do. So I have sacrificed a lot here but for what...This issue i guess happened 3 months before we met. So before that he was intimate..with exs...except me now. So I resent that too..

    His last gf and his ex wife of 20+ years both cheated on him. So I assume he things all woman will cheat. So maybe he feels not to try because it will happen again. Don't know. We are both over 50 so I guess I thought we were on the same page when it came to treating a person. I do have to say he shows civary and affection at times. He makes time for me hes retired I still work. We do things but am I just companionship or his love..And I understand VD is just another day... But xmas that just passed he didn't get me anything and said he couldn't because he bought a car and so his funds were gone. So I assumed that he was going to surprise me on VD.

    Here's another example he likes to make me jealous with actresses on tv and how attractive they are...im like what? That too has never happened to me before. Why would he feel its ok..just to get a reaction from me. So that too brings me down. My self confidence sucks now after these 2 years..and I know im settling just so I wont be alone. Thats why im so confused.

    I know the answer but its difficult to get out of a relationship that you invested your heart and time into it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Invested in what exactly? He won't have sex with you, categorically refuses. I mean without intimacy, you are just friends. But you aren't friends either because he doesn't seem to care about you, your feelings, etc. What exactly do you love about this?

    You have only one life to live and you want to waste another minute of your precious time on this planet on this? What's going on with you? Serious question. This "relationship" sounds like a disaster from day one and not even a relationship, but more like a situationship where you are desperately trying to cling on to even though you are miserable....and rightfully so. At this point, you can't even blame him - you are punishing yourself.

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    I know your right about everything...we have a lot in common with hobbies and doing things that kept me around. I guess that my experience with dating after my divorce was so difficult and finding someone who I thought was on the same page was hard to find and at first I thought we were a good fit. I now opened my eyes like am I doing. I overlooked the red flags now..i come to realize it. The sex issue came later and I tried to be patient and that seem to not work either. So your right I'm the one to blame for my misery. So now what...what would you say to him.. or say nothing..and just start being unavailable and focus on myself for now.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it sounds like every once in a while he's decent and not as selfish self-serving as usual.. Even if your divorce was difficult and you are over 50, you don't have to settle for someone this selfish.

    It seem the reason he's "available" is because the smart women keep throwing him back in the pond. Does he have ED or other heath conditions?

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    Yes your right He does do things to help me and I do appreciate it when that happens..I guess that why I gave him the benefit of the doubt for so long.
    I assume its ed and other issues relating to that.....but normal health issues i would know because he avoids going to doctor only if its a last resort or its an emergency.

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