He's going on vacation without me, am i right to be dissapointed because of it?

Hi everyone. Ive been dating someone for about year and half. We both had some family issues in the past and because of that its not always easy for us to built good relationships. However about this i feel good, we like each other and are helping each other (at least i hope so). But now happened something and i dont know how to feel about.

About three months back we agreed about going on some trip together this spring. We share some hobbies and thus opinion about what perfect trip should be like. But now he told me, that few days back he agreed to have three week vacation with his friends and that its their "boys trip". Actually, i would really love to visit those exact same places they are going to and go birdwatching with them, but when he told me about it, it was already too late to join them. I dont want to "constrain" him, i believe he has a lot of free time for himself and i dont mind him going for nights out and free weekends with his friends when he wants to, but i dont like this, i feel like being left out. What frustrates me the most is, that he didnt even considered asking about me going with them, he should know i would want to go too and yet he informed me about that like its nothing. I probably should also add that its not for the first time he went for a vacation without me and he also didnt ask me, but last year i didnt mind because it was arranged before we have been with each other long enough, or because of work i couldnt go anyway. We have been together on one vacation, with out mutual friends which was arranged before we started dating seriously, that was perfect. And he also took me on some weekend actions.

I know, that talking about it with him should be next step, but... I guess i dont know if i even have right to be somehow dissapointed. If i just dont have too high expectations when i want to spend vacations with him.

What do you think, do you or anyone you know had similar experience? How would you feel like in my place? I am grateful for any advice.

:eek:

Let`s see here:

- He cancels your plans

- He preffers his buddies over you

- He will be gone for a ridiculous amount of time (3 weeks)

- He doesn`t want to include you

- He has done that once before,without talking about it with you, thus there is a pattern here

- You never actually went vactioning together before (other than those weekends)

- Voicing your thoughts and wants makes you feel like the bad guy in all this

My question is: are you sure you are in a real relationship and not a situationship? It seems to me that it`s all his rules and you juust agree in fear you might come off as needy or pushing him away. Boy, this is definitely me & my ex bf. He did the same "boy" trips, from which I never saw a single photo from and guess what... He was just with another girl. My first love was on a "boys" trip when I met him back in 2017 and I was (not knowing) the girl he messed around with while his gf was back home.So having experience in that my advice to you is to RUN-RUN-RUN. Boy trips are an excuse to be single and have fun with other girls or be with the other girl if one has one. I have since taken an oath to break up the second a "boys" trip arise. Of course people need to have time with friends and without you but this is a different story.

Sorry to hear this. How old is he? How did you meet? How often do you see each other? It seems he wants to be single but have someone on the sidelines when his pals are busy.

Ive been dating someone for about year and half.

 

About three months back we agreed about going on some trip together this spring. We share some hobbies and thus opinion about what perfect trip should be like. But now he told me, that few days back he agreed to have three week vacation with his friends and that its their "boys trip".

Who knows what his thoughts and feelings are? Or whether some people think this is OK?

You know what yours are. This isn't the relationship you want.

You will need to let him go, and commit to getting what you want, if you ever expect to find it. Commit to finding someone who takes responsibility for his part of the relationship, for making the relationship a long term and fruitful investment.

This man isn't it.

If a bunch of my girlfriends planned a long trip and invited me to go with them, I wouldn't consider this to be an invitation that's mine to extend to a partner. I'd either opt in or out, but I'd be strictly speaking for myself, because bringing my partner into THEIR plans would change the mix that THEY envisioned--for which they also paid a large sum of money.

However, if this was a trip that I conceived and orchestrated myself, then I would include my partner and THEN invite others to joins us if they so desired.

If BF has enough vacation time to also take a trip with you, I'd find that out. If his buddy trip eclipses such a possibility, then decide whether he's invested enough in your relationship to want to stay with him.

You really can't expect him or ask him to bring you along on an all guys trip.

I think before you toss the baby out with the bathwater, ask him if he has time left to go on vacation with you, just the two of you and when. Talk details and plans.If he has plenty of ability to travel more with you, then the boys trip shouldn't be an issue. If he doesn't and just put you on the back burner like that, then you might need to make some hard decisions about the viability of this relationship or just how invested he really is.

If a bunch of my girlfriends planned a long trip and invited me to go with them, I wouldn't consider this to be an invitation that's mine to extend to a partner. I'd either opt in or out, but I'd be strictly speaking for myself, because bringing my partner into THEIR plans would change the mix that THEY envisioned--for which they also paid a large sum of money.

 

However, if this was a trip that I conceived and orchestrated myself, then I would include my partner and THEN invite others to joins us if they so desired.

 

If BF has enough vacation time to also take a trip with you, I'd find that out. If his buddy trip eclipses such a possibility, then decide whether he's invested enough in your relationship to want to stay with him.

I agree with this. "Boys' trips" or "girls' trips" can actually get awkward if only one person brings a partner. For example, I'm in this group of four really close female friends. As in, three very close friends and I. Most of their life they've all been single. One of them has never even been on a date or kissed anyone. So when I had my male ex-partner, if I brought him along on a girl's trip with them, I imagine it would have been pretty awkward for them.

I also have a long term female best friend and we are inseparable. In the past she really wanted to go on a short trip with me, just the two of us. I didn't ask my ex to come because it was my best friend's idea and she would have ended up third wheeling a couple the whole time.

I know that all couples are different and it's personal choice how you want your relationship to be. Personally I'm a strong advocate for also living your own life when in a relationship. So I like to go on trips with my partner, but I also like to go on trips with my friends. I mean, if this is a boys' trip, I'm assuming nobody else is bringing a partner either. And your boyfriend may not have been the one organising it so he might not exactly be in a position to ask you to come along.

I think you need to judge these things on a case by case scenario. I understand you're disappointed but I think your boyfriend is allowed to have his own friends and those friendships don't always have to revolve around you. Just as long as he does go on some holidays with you as well, I personally don't see an issue. But again that's just how I prefer to be in a relationship.

Having a group of friends with the money, time, and coordination to go on a vacation or globe-trot is quite a rarity for most folks. At the very least, it's much easier to organize a vacation with a single SO than 3+ people. It certainly wouldn't be an opportunity I'd forfeit for the sake of a woman I'd been seeing all of a year and a half. Nor would I expect a woman I'd been dating to do so were she in that position. Hell, even now, if my wife were given the chance, I'd probably shrug it off. It's not the end of the world to plan something for another season. Obviously if it were a pattern, it'd be a concern. But given you haven't been together terribly long and have been on vacation with each other as well as him having treated you to some weekend getaways, I don't see any gigantic red flag here.

One of my best buds keeps hounding me on going to Miami with her to go to Carnival. My bro has a place there, so I could stay for free. And hubs and kids are all invited. While I love my buddy, dancing and boozing on precious vacay days is a zero priority to me. Vacaying with my kids, giving them awesome adventures and experiences are my goals. Not boozing and dancing - I'm in my 40's and I love it here. My point is - when you are building a life together, you take the trips together. But I don't think he sees you as a staple to experience new experiences in his life. You aren't his person yet. And after 1.5 years, you still aren't getting closer. I think it's time to bail. It's one thing if he goes, hey, can you come for a week? I mean, who really needs 3 weeks of just dudes?...the guy who doesn't think his partner is their best friend too.

I am a fan of travel with friends while in relationship.

In this case, he is avoiding planning trips with her while instead planning trips with others. I don't think he is invested in the relationship as much as he says he is.

I honestly don't see what he's done wrong, apart from living his life and having some of life still be his own, which is fair.

I understand that you wanted to be included, however, he is allowed to decide to go away with his own friends, he doesn't have to ask and he doesn't need approval.

Dating someone does not mean they become a prisoner and must answer to someone to this degree. (at least in my opinion).

It would be different if he wasn't paying attention to you or hadn't ever gone away on vacation with you. But he sounds like he's been an attentive and loving boyfriend, so why are you not allowing (and I say allowing as in...it's not your decision but you're giving him a hard time), and just let him go without the hassle?

You can he can make plans another time. Is it really worth upset like this?

I honestly don't see what he's done wrong

It could be a compatibility issue. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to travel or experience new stuff with me.

I mean if vacationing together = feeling like you're in prison, then eek, I don't think we'd make it further than I could throw that person. I guess when you find the other half of your "we", you tend to want to get their opinion on things. Or at least I like to ask hubs instead of just assuming.

But I find the OP has trouble saying how she's feeling, and whether or not he makes her feel like she has to walk on egg shells, I don't think this is the right guy for her. I find the right person makes you feel good about being honest to them, even when it's not a beautiful sonnet. Good, bad, ugly...they can at least be honest with each other.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to travel or experience new stuff with me

It's controlling. People are allowed to still continue on with their lives an have their own friends and go on their own outings, even while dating.

A partner doesn't have to be included in every.. single.. thing. You're not attached at the hip. And if you think that's what a relationship or marriage means...then your definition is far different than mine.

It's a guy's trip.

Your definition of a relationship, is not healthy. People should have separate interests, and not do everything together.

Your definition of a relationship, is not healthy.

So hubs can just leave me with the kids, and use our money to finance a 3 week trip?

Ya'nope. If my partner felt he can do whatever, whenever he wants, I would chuck all his stuff out, and change the locks. We're a team.

How solid were these plans? Don't ask to tag along. Plan something more definitively together and do not assume anything that is not set in stone.

About three months back we agreed about going on some trip together this spring.

So hubs can just leave me with the kids, and use our money to finance a 3 week trip?

 

Ya'nope. If my partner felt he can do whatever, whenever he wants, I would chuck all his stuff out, and change the locks. We're a team.

Apples and oranges. You are comparing your marriage with children and all the associated financial constraints and logistic to an independent couple who've been barely dating 1.5 years. Not to mention that in that time they have gone on vacation and he has taken her on various weekend getaways. For a short term gf to pitch a fit over that is quite frankly entitled af. She doesn't own him, his time, or his money. He didn't agree to share all that with her at this point in time.

So hubs can just leave me with the kids, and use our money to finance a 3 week trip?

 

Ya'nope. If my partner felt he can do whatever, whenever he wants, I would chuck all his stuff out, and change the locks. We're a team.

I think all these things need to be judged on the actual situation itself. If they were married and had kids together, then it does seem unfair to leave her alone with the kids for three weeks. I think that's more so because when people have kids, it's both their responsibility to take care of the children. So it's not fair to just leave one partner with the kids for three weeks, while the other partner has fun away. In this case though, they don't have kids.. So that's actually very different. Also they probably don't have joint money so he's spending HIS money.

Also what I think needs to be taken into consideration is, does he also go on trips with her and do things with her? How often does he have trips with friends? If he has trips with friends only rarely then it doesn't seem like he's choosing his friends over her. Does he go on holidays with her too? If yes then that is fair.

I understand three weeks is a long time but what is the nature of how the trip was organised? Did another friend(s) organise it? Because I remember one time it was a Labour Day long weekend and those three girl friends of mine wanted to go away and stay in an Air B'n'B. I worked full-time and we got four days off for that long weekend. They wanted to be away literally the whole weekend. But I wanted to stay home two of those days to have my own relaxation time. But I went along because all my three friends wanted to stay four days. So if I wanted to have that quality time with them, I needed to do it like that.

A person can still have their own life and friends and do things without their partner. In particular if they don't have kids. So I think you need to look at, do they spend an equal amount of time/more time with you than their friends. If so then that seems fair.

Again I don't know what the actual relationship overall is like, so can't really comment on that.

I still think we are minimizing her feelings. Just because some people are totally cool with a trip without their partners. After 1.5 years, others prefer to see they are progressing towards a commitment, and many times view that vacationing together is one of those steps. I think you really get to see if you want to be with this person as a life partner. It can be hard to gauge it from a weekend trip. It's one thing if they travel together regularly, not like got to some hotel overnight. But they haven't, and I totally get where she's coming from. To me, it would speak volumes that they agreed to go somewhere, and then he totally decided to not run it by her beforehand that he is thinking of going with friends instead. With this, I don't think he's a priority to her, and I think OP is seeing this too. I don't think the OP should have to settle for someone where she is on the back burner.

I still think we are minimizing her feelings. Just because some people are totally cool with a trip without their partners. After 1.5 years, others prefer to see they are progressing towards a commitment, and many times view that vacationing together is one of those steps. I think you really get to see if you want to be with this person as a life partner. It can be hard to gauge it from a weekend trip. It's one thing if they travel together regularly, not like got to some hotel overnight. But they haven't, and I totally get where she's coming from. To me, it would speak volumes that they agreed to go somewhere, and then he totally decided to not run it by her beforehand that he is thinking of going with friends instead. With this, I don't think he's a priority to her, and I think OP is seeing this too. I don't think the OP should have to settle for someone where she is on the back burner.

Except that this is ALL assumptions. OP and we don't actually know if this is instead of or in addition to. So while this kind of critical information is missing, let's put down the torches and pitchforks....ok?

I still think we are minimizing her feelings. Just because some people are totally cool with a trip without their partners. After 1.5 years, others prefer to see they are progressing towards a commitment, and many times view that vacationing together is one of those steps. I think you really get to see if you want to be with this person as a life partner. It can be hard to gauge it from a weekend trip. It's one thing if they travel together regularly, not like got to some hotel overnight. But they haven't, and I totally get where she's coming from. To me, it would speak volumes that they agreed to go somewhere, and then he totally decided to not run it by her beforehand that he is thinking of going with friends instead. With this, I don't think he's a priority to her, and I think OP is seeing this too. I don't think the OP should have to settle for someone where she is on the back burner.

Can we have more information from OP regarding the situation though? Is he going EXACTLY to the same places they talked about on that boys' trip? Or they talked about "a trip" in general? How is his financial situation? Can he afford to go on another trip with her too? Maybe there wasn't exactly an option or was awkward to invite her along. Maybe they said: "let's just have us boys, no partners". So his only option was just to decline the trip. In my opinion he doesn't have to invite her on an all guy's holiday. So should he have not gone? Maybe that would have shown more loyalty to her?

Personally I wouldn't want my partner to turn down time with friends just because I can't go. Even people who are married with kids sometimes spend the time away with their friends. But the time would probably be only like 2-3 days. If you have kids it wouldn't be three weeks.

The only thing I see wrong here is maybe three weeks is too long. Also I don't understand how having friends and doing things with them means you have no investment in your partner? I mean they're separate things.

I think it's important to maintain friendships because if the relationship breaks up, if the person ditched their friends, they'll end up all along.

But what it boils down to is we need to date people with similar beliefs and values to us. I personally want a partner who also lives an independent life away from me. Again, different if we had kids. But other people want their life to revolve basically just around their partner. So people need to find a partner on their own level. No point in dating if you have different relationship expectations and levels.

Except that this is ALL assumptions. OP and we don't actually know if this is instead of or in addition to. So while this kind of critical information is missing, let's put down the torches and pitchforks....ok?

Yeah, that would make a big difference to me.

Is he dropping the couple plans or is the boys trip in addition to?

I don't think it's a realistic expectation to be asked to go with the boys.

I do think it's fair to be disappointed if this means no trip for you guys.

First thing is I'd ask to clarify with him if your travel plans are still a go.

OP, I get the feeling you are viewing this trip as a rejection. As in, he's CHOOSING to exclude you from this trip.

Have you asked him? Have you told him you feel this trip indicates he doesn't view you and the relationship as priorities?

OP, I get the feeling you are viewing this trip as a rejection. As in, he's CHOOSING to exclude you from this trip.

 

Have you asked him? Have you told him you feel this trip indicates he doesn't view you and the relationship as priorities?

While I'm much a fan of backpacking / leapfrogging from site to site, I did have plans for group of friends and myself to go to the World Cup in Brazil fall through last minute. It would have entailed a few weeks together, though I don't think we or anyone else should have needed the event as an excuse. I mean honestly, the fact a group of friends could have the money and flexibility to get three weeks off synchronously is a ridiculously crazy feat in my mind. There might be an ounce of projection involved as someone who came close to having the same opportunity, but even if it involved delaying a vacation of ours, my wife (never mind short-term girlfriend) tells me she's essentially got the opportunity of her young-adult life in her hands, I'm not bouncing back at her on how she needs to be prioritizing me despite it.

Being realistic, assuming this relationship would be built to last but-for this tremendous slight, couples intrinsically have the extra level of familiarity and proximity to develop their livelihoods in a way that much better intertwine than with a group of friends. You're exponentially more likely to have the opportunity to coordinate a prolonged getaway at some point or another.

But if this is incompatible with her, far be it from me to tell her it isn't. But for the life of me, I couldn't imagine guilting someone over such an opportunity. If it really did hit me that hard, I'd consider it much more humane to end it and let them enjoy their vacation 100% rather than appealing to my own insecurities.

Mod Note...Please stay on topic and avoid personal disagreements.