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Thread: He's going on vacation without me, am i right to be dissapointed because of it?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    I still think we are minimizing her feelings. Just because some people are totally cool with a trip without their partners. After 1.5 years, others prefer to see they are progressing towards a commitment, and many times view that vacationing together is one of those steps. I think you really get to see if you want to be with this person as a life partner. It can be hard to gauge it from a weekend trip. It's one thing if they travel together regularly, not like got to some hotel overnight. But they haven't, and I totally get where she's coming from. To me, it would speak volumes that they agreed to go somewhere, and then he totally decided to not run it by her beforehand that he is thinking of going with friends instead. With this, I don't think he's a priority to her, and I think OP is seeing this too. I don't think the OP should have to settle for someone where she is on the back burner.
    Can we have more information from OP regarding the situation though? Is he going EXACTLY to the same places they talked about on that boys' trip? Or they talked about "a trip" in general? How is his financial situation? Can he afford to go on another trip with her too? Maybe there wasn't exactly an option or was awkward to invite her along. Maybe they said: "let's just have us boys, no partners". So his only option was just to decline the trip. In my opinion he doesn't have to invite her on an all guy's holiday. So should he have not gone? Maybe that would have shown more loyalty to her?

    Personally I wouldn't want my partner to turn down time with friends just because I can't go. Even people who are married with kids sometimes spend the time away with their friends. But the time would probably be only like 2-3 days. If you have kids it wouldn't be three weeks.

    The only thing I see wrong here is maybe three weeks is too long. Also I don't understand how having friends and doing things with them means you have no investment in your partner? I mean they're separate things.

    I think it's important to maintain friendships because if the relationship breaks up, if the person ditched their friends, they'll end up all along.

    But what it boils down to is we need to date people with similar beliefs and values to us. I personally want a partner who also lives an independent life away from me. Again, different if we had kids. But other people want their life to revolve basically just around their partner. So people need to find a partner on their own level. No point in dating if you have different relationship expectations and levels.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Except that this is ALL assumptions. OP and we don't actually know if this is instead of or in addition to. So while this kind of critical information is missing, let's put down the torches and pitchforks....ok?
    Yeah, that would make a big difference to me.
    Is he dropping the couple plans or is the boys trip in addition to?

    I don't think it's a realistic expectation to be asked to go with the boys.
    I do think it's fair to be disappointed if this means no trip for you guys.

    First thing is I'd ask to clarify with him if your travel plans are still a go.

  3. 02-17-2020, 04:40 PM
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  4. 02-17-2020, 05:11 PM
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  5. 02-17-2020, 05:14 PM
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  6. #23
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    OP, I get the feeling you are viewing this trip as a rejection. As in, he's CHOOSING to exclude you from this trip.

    Have you asked him? Have you told him you feel this trip indicates he doesn't view you and the relationship as priorities?

  7. 02-17-2020, 05:50 PM
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  8. 02-17-2020, 05:55 PM
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  9. 02-17-2020, 06:08 PM
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  10. #24
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    OP, I get the feeling you are viewing this trip as a rejection. As in, he's CHOOSING to exclude you from this trip.

    Have you asked him? Have you told him you feel this trip indicates he doesn't view you and the relationship as priorities?
    I can sympathize with communicating openly before jumping to conclusions, but I do think this would come off as irresponsibly hostile.

    While I'm much a fan of backpacking / leapfrogging from site to site, I did have plans for group of friends and myself to go to the World Cup in Brazil fall through last minute. It would have entailed a few weeks together, though I don't think we or anyone else should have needed the event as an excuse. I mean honestly, the fact a group of friends could have the money and flexibility to get three weeks off synchronously is a ridiculously crazy feat in my mind. There might be an ounce of projection involved as someone who came close to having the same opportunity, but even if it involved delaying a vacation of ours, my wife (never mind short-term girlfriend) tells me she's essentially got the opportunity of her young-adult life in her hands, I'm not bouncing back at her on how she needs to be prioritizing me despite it.

    Being realistic, assuming this relationship would be built to last but-for this tremendous slight, couples intrinsically have the extra level of familiarity and proximity to develop their livelihoods in a way that much better intertwine than with a group of friends. You're exponentially more likely to have the opportunity to coordinate a prolonged getaway at some point or another.

    But if this is incompatible with her, far be it from me to tell her it isn't. But for the life of me, I couldn't imagine guilting someone over such an opportunity. If it really did hit me that hard, I'd consider it much more humane to end it and let them enjoy their vacation 100% rather than appealing to my own insecurities.

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  12. #25
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Mod Note...Please stay on topic and avoid personal disagreements.

  13. #26
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Do I recall correctly that OP and bf have never been on vacation together, except long weekends?

    My guess is the bf is avoiding everything -- avoiding being more serious, avoiding losing her, hoping to keep everything on the verge of being "real" without being responsible for it.

    Its a classic avoidant / self sabotaging stance and there is nothing she can do about it other than decide whether she has what she wants. She needs to be clear about what she wants, and take the risk of seeing his limitations. In her own thoughts, to confront that reality and deal with the pain that maybe he is not what she thought, nor perhaps what he intends to be.

    Look at a man's actions. That is what he offers.

  14. #27
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    So hubs can just leave me with the kids, and use our money to finance a 3 week trip?

    Ya'nope. If my partner felt he can do whatever, whenever he wants, I would chuck all his stuff out, and change the locks. We're a team.
    I don't recall that they were married and had children. Did I miss something?

  15. #28
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Do I recall correctly that OP and bf have never been on vacation together, except long weekends?

    My guess is the bf is avoiding everything -- avoiding being more serious, avoiding losing her, hoping to keep everything on the verge of being "real" without being responsible for it.

    Its a classic avoidant / self sabotaging stance and there is nothing she can do about it other than decide whether she has what she wants. She needs to be clear about what she wants, and take the risk of seeing his limitations. In her own thoughts, to confront that reality and deal with the pain that maybe he is not what she thought, nor perhaps what he intends to be.

    Look at a man's actions. That is what he offers.
    She wrote this in her OP:
    "We have been together on one vacation, with out mutual friends which was arranged before we started dating seriously, that was perfect. And he also took me on some weekend actions."

  16. #29
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    She wrote this in her OP:
    "We have been together on one vacation, with out mutual friends which was arranged before we started dating seriously, that was perfect. And he also took me on some weekend actions."
    Yes - so I don't think this is about whether trips with friends are okay. I think its that he seems to put his energy into going with his friends and not with her.

  17. #30
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Yes - so I don't think this is about whether trips with friends are okay. I think its that he seems to put his energy into going with his friends and not with her.
    Yes, this is the point I'm trying to make. The OP and boyfriend talked about taking a vacation together in the Spring and the things they would do. Instead of running it by her, he plans a 3 week vacation with his buddies, doesn't want to include her, and they will doing the same thing that the boyfriend and her talked about. And it's not for a few days - it's 3 weeks. Big difference.

    When you are in a young relationship, there are stepping stones that progress the relationship, and taking a vacation together is one of them because you see so many different elements come out you don't see in the day to day. Giving driving directions, how you are in other lands with other people, how you like to spend your time vacaying, etc.

    I have zero problem with people traveling with friends; what bothers me, which the OP should be bothered by is the fact he didn't even include her in the conversation. Those are gigantic signs that they aren't heading towards a more committed relationship. And the fact that she is unsure of bringing up how she feels is another indication that she feels it's okay that her needs are not to be met. I don't think she should brush it under the rug. What he did wasn't cool at all.

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