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Thread: Stuck between love

  1. #1

    Stuck between love

    I have been married for almost 10 years. Over the years my husband cheated several times. I was head over heels in love with him but once the truth came out I just could not do it anymore so I left because I was hurt. During the time that I left I talked to an old friend whom I was intimate with along time ago we met up and things kind of sparked. But he ended up having to leave for work for a few months but we continue to talk. Well my husband started to come around pretty much begging for forgiveness saying all the right things, the things I had wanted him to say years ago. Eventually I decided to go back with him and he has been great and has really changed. The problem is I am not in love with him. No matter what he does for me or says I just dont have that spark anymore like I did years ago. I still talk to the other guy and we really have a deep connection and plan to see each other again when he comes back but now I am stuck. My dad really likes my husband and they have a good bond but I cant stay with him because of my dad. We dont have any children together but I have 3 step kids that I have helped raise over the past 11 years but they are older now. I just dont know what to do. Any advice would help.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    How about seeking professional help such as marriage counseling?

    I hear you about how your love died after your husband cheated and then begged for forgiveness. Once bitten twice shy. I'm sure your trust died, too. It's universal to feel the way you do.

    Cut it off with the other guy until you are officially divorced to your current husband. That is, if you decide to divorce. Don't cheat behind your husband's back otherwise you'll be just as bad as he was.

    It doesn't matter that your dad really likes your husband because your dad is not married to him. He's just the FIL (father-in-law). The step kids will most likely diminish or exit your life should you divorce because there is no more "US" with ex-families.

    Before making final decisions, I would see a marriage counselor with your husband. See if both of you can heal from the past and if not, take it from there.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    So how many times does your husband have to cheat on you for you to finally realize that this is who he is, stop listening to his bs and file for divorce? Yes, cheaters are always terribly sorry once they are caught and might face consequences like divorce, splitting assets, alimony, and so on. They suddenly can sing your praises but you'd be one heck of a fool to believe a single word that comes out of the mouth of a proven professional liar.

    Do yourself a favor, talk to a good lawyer and free yourself from a cheater. As for the "friend"....get yourself clear of one relationship before you jump into another. In other words, this friend might seem very comforting, but you are not in any shape to be making any good decisions about relationships right now. Sort out your life and your divorce, then sort out where you are and where you want to be with a clear head. Don't monkey branch because let's face it - a guy who will sleep with a married woman isn't the catch you think he is. Get rid of them both and give yourself a fresh start in terms of relationships once you have your life in order.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm curious to understand the specifics a little clearer. Were you aware, throughout the marriage, of your husband's infidelities? Or did they all "come out," at which point you left him? And how long is this period between leaving him and taking him back? Weeks, months?

    I ask all that because I get the sense you haven't given yourself a moment to think, and feel, through what you're facing right now. You were hurt, badly, and you reacted, as people do. Reaction one: leaving him. Reaction two: reaching out to old flame, and finding warmth in that spark. Reaction three: taking back your husband after some pleading. Reaction four: continuing to temper your own choice by engaging in something that is bordering on emotional infidelity to treat the pain of infidelity.

    That is a lot of bouncing around, and it's very, very hard to think clearly when we're bouncing around, to say nothing of landing in a safe place. Have you sought any help in processing this? A therapist, say? Moments like this are basically what they're for: emotional firemen to help us with our own fires. In your shoes, right now, that would be my first step, with the second step being cutting off contact with this old friend until you sort out what you want, for yourself, out of the business of being you. He has been a source of tremendous hope and comfort, I know, but right now he is just a source of confusion, along with your husband.

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  6. #5
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    I think you are prolonging the inevitable . He has cheated multiple times and will do it again. Plus, you do not love him.

    Seek out an attorney and get a divorce. Get this other stuff settled before an involvement with others.

    Don't you think it is time for you to be happy!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    He's a cheating piece of crap, get rid of him! Of course you're not gonna love someone like that!

  8. #7
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    I know somebody else in a similar situation and she kept looking like you are. You are delaying the inevitable, but it might sort itself out. You are aware that your dad likes your husband, but honestly, this does not factor in as it is how you feel that is important and i think you are aware of this. You've just got to manage the inner conflict you have of your dad's approval vs. what makes you happy, and hopefully you will choose your own personal happiness over anything else.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You took on his 3 children and he cheated on you several times? That's sounds utterly ungrateful. Imo, this is a selfish person who doesn't even prioritize the stability of his children's lives over his d$(k. Imo, it's no wonder you are not in love with him.

    Given that you have no children together, there is no reason to stay with someone who is capable of cheating like that. Your dad's opinion is immaterial. It's you who would have to live with him knowing his lack of integrity and what he is capable of. Sorry to say, but your dad sounds selfish too.

    Understandably, you are not in love with him anymore. Stop wasting more of your life on him then. You only live once. This limbo is a waste of time you are never getting back. The sooner you divorce the sooner you will get back to living an authentic life.

    As for the other guy, things may turn out either way. He is a rebound and at this point you are in no condition to see things straight as far as he is concerned. This guy is like a band-aid/diversion from your problems. You first need to sort out the chapter of your marriage and for that you need a clear head. It would be best to end the communication until you are free to offer him your undivided attention.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is the marriage financially beneficial to you? Or him? It seems the incentive to stay married has nothing to do with partnership, trust or happiness. Is divorced frown on in your culture?

    Is it just easier for both of you to have affairs? Is your affair "revenge cheating"? Google it. Or is it to compensate for an unhappy sham marriage?
    Originally Posted by manderz286
    Over the years my husband cheated several times. I am not in love with him. I still talk to the other guy and we really have a deep connection and plan to see each other again when he comes back but now I am stuck.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. He's a cheater. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Once the reconciliation honeymoon period ends, he will seek excitement elsewhere once again, because those are his poor ethics.

    I agree with Dancing Fool. A guy who is ethical and truly seeking a longterm, serious relationship, totally avoids taken women. The fact that you're still married and your "friend" continues communicating with you in a deep connection, spells a disaster your mind is too clouded to see. Men who only want booty calls and short term fun engage in relationships with taken women. Just wait and see. When you divorce the man you don't love, and are free and clear, I guarantee your "friend" will take off like a rabbit being chased by a hunter.

    Be alone for a good year to create a fulfilling life solo, finding out who you are without a partner, and taking the time to make a must-have, dealbreaker list. Otherwise, you will likely choose yet another inappropriate partner.

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