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Thread: Help with getting over infatuation

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Well to me it actually seems like you're lonely. I'm just guessing but I would think that getting all these crushes means you want to find a relationship and fall in love. So you're subconsciously projecting on all these guys. Are you sure you could never have a chance with any of them? Like, if you asked them to go out for a coffee sometime, maybe some would say yes? Or are you scared of making things awkward at those spiritual events if it doesn't work out?
    Hi Tinydancer,

    Yes, I think that I am lonely. I'm also a hopeless romantic. I do want to be in love and find my partner.

    I think in the case of this latest guy there is a chance that he may be interested. But I don't feel he would ever make any kind of move so it would be up to me. I don't know if I ever could muster up the nerve to just out of the blue ask him for a coffee. Also we're never alone together so I am not sure there ever would be an opportunity. I also am not sure he would even be interested in a relationship because of how devoted he is to the group. Also, if he said no or things didn't work out it could be very awkward.

    Because of all those reasons I feel like it's probably best to pursue someone outside of this group that I have more of a chance with.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by proseyxi
    Hey there!

    Thank you for answering to my questions! Now, do you see a pattern here? I doubt there were no men in your life (or aren`t still) that have an interest in you. But since youu are always preoccupied in "hunting" men that are unavailable, you are thinning your chances down. I really need you to go back and analyze the men that did like you one by one and find what they had in common. Were they loud, fun loving extroverts maybe? I think that might be the case since you are highly attracted by shy ones. My grandma said : Always go where you are welcomed. Since I realized that I stopped feeling rejected by men that I HAD to chase and enjoyed being chased instead. Maybe you are addicted to rejection in order to validate in yourself a deep insecurity of yours i.e. I`m not attrective enough, I`m not young enough, I`m a failure etc. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It`s the same concept with women that go after married men. They SEEK rejection. So, open your eyes and focus only in the men that actually do like you and give them a chance! And you never know!
    Hi proseyxi. You've definitely given me some food for thought. Yes, I do see a pattern for sure! I will definitely take your suggestion of looking at men I don't have to chase in the future. It would certainly make things easier because I know they are interested and don't need to spend all this time wondering. I think I need to be more open to those men and maybe ones I don't consider my type. I'm quite shy and quiet so that is why I thought that a man with similar temperament might understand me and be a good match. But who knows, maybe an extroverted, loud and fun loving guy might be good for me. I need to consider the possibility because my current pattern is not working for me. And I think it could be due to insecurity and setting myself up for failure. Thank you for your post and for this perspective, it's really helpful.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    You understand that you're projecting certain spiritualism onto these guys that imbues them with ideals that they don't really possess. This attracts you to them and has you creating fantasies about them that they never live up to.

    I'd explore women's groups so that you can continue to socialize your spirituality but compartmentalize it away from romanticism. Then use dating apps to set up quick meets over coffee instead of investing in full dates. This allows you to meet a bunch of prospects on your way home from work, which compartmentalizes dating away from spiritual projections. Agree to keep the meets to 20 to 30 minutes, neither can corner the other for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. You can just keep meeting people until you find simpatico.

    This allows you to meet men 'cleanly' without projecting stuff onto them. Sure, natural odds are that there will be far more bad matches than good ones, but that's a level playing field for everyone and it doesn't disadvantage you the way that your private fantasies do.
    Hi catfeeder. That is a good idea about the women's groups. I think it would help me to take men my age who are single out of the equation so I could continue to get the aspects of the spiritual groups that are good for me. I also like your idea about the quick coffee dates. Those are a good way to see right away if there is any potential or not rather than things going on and on, and as you say it's not this ongoing thing that I would obsess over like in the spiritual group. And it removes all this projection and fantasizing about something that doesn't exist which I know is not healthy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

  4. #14
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    When you live in your own head this much it is difficult for anyone to have a place in your life. When you are the author of a romance novel that you write all the parts and dialogues for, no real person fits. When you re-proportion this and the "spiritual" thing to accommodate real live men with real live imperfections, real live minds and hearts, ironically you'll find the love you are now blocking out living in this idealized fantasy world..
    Originally Posted by Laluna14
    I'm also a hopeless romantic.

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  6. #15
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