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Thread: Nothing ever works out for me

  1. #1
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    Nothing ever works out for me

    Backstory, I've been married for 13 years now, but we are separated. I'm 35 and have two kids.

    So, a few weeks ago, I reconnected with an ex, who was also one of my best friends. I found him on Facebook and messaged him. I hadn't talked to him in 13 years, basically when my husband and I moved in with eachother and got married. My husband wasn't comfortable with me being friends with him, so I cut off all contact with him.

    Well, I looked him up on Facebook and messaged him and we had literally been texting and talking on the phone for hours at a time. Like I said, I have two kids and they're busy, I don't usually take time out for myself. I had no intentions on even talking to him like that. I honestly thought, when I messaged him, that we would chat for a few minutes, friend eachother, and that basically be it. But we texted for a few hours and then he wanted to call, so he called and we were on the phone all night. If felt good to have a friend to talk to. I talked to him about what was happening with my husband, about all the cheating, about my kids. Things that I haven't told anyone. We would talk about anything and everything. It literally felt like the last 13 years hadn't even happened, felt like we were 20 years old again in the prime of our relationship and friendship. It felt so nice.

    He started talking to me about us. He asked if I thought things happened for a reason. Asked why I thought to look him up then and then confessed that he tried to look me up a couple of times through the years and couldn't find me. He told me that he thought about me all the time and that he saved so many things. He lives 3 hours away now and unfortunately, between kids stuff, work and myself having to go out of town, we haven't been able to meet up yet. But next weekend we were going to meet up, have dinner and everything. He told me that he hoped that I still like him and wish that we could fall asleep with eachother, all that. This is the part that makes me a little mad, I told him that I needed to take things slow and that I start to fall for people fast. I told him that if he was saying these things to please be serious because I'm not one for casual relationships. At that point, he told me he was sorry and that he would back off and we would just see how things panned out. I was fine with that. Like I said, I had no intentions of starting anything up when I looked him up. Well, a few days later, he started up again. Hard. And so I thought, maybe this is it. Maybe, we went through all of this hard stuff, even together, to get to this point. Where we were both older, put together, knew what we wanted, all that. Literally made plans last night for next weekend, when I'm finally off and have a babysitter.

    Then, this same guy, calls me at 630 this morning and tells me that we need to talk. That he was kind of talking to someone before we started talking and that he's sorry for leading me on. That he should have pumped the brakes, especially when I explained to him how I wanted to just take it slow. I was so heartbroken :-(...Like, almost as heartbroken as when my husband told me he was cheating on me. I just don't understand why he wouldn't have told me that in the first place, especially since I gave him an out, a couple of times. And I feel stupid for letting myself get excited. And I don't know what to do, because that wasn't the reason that I was contacting him. But this is what happened when we were younger, we were really close, he was my first everything, but then it was like, I was a placeholder all the time. But when we were together, it was the best friendship/relationship I ever had. Until it wasn't. But I want to be friends with him, but I already feel like I can't because I don't want to hear about him dating some other girl. But I would have been fine with it a couple of weeks ago. 😭. My life is such a freaking mess.

    Should I just leave the whole friendship alone, again? Should I stick around and see what happens? Should I tell him exactly how I feel? He asked me to please call him today, but I didnt. I sent one little text, but that was it. But he hasn't contacted me today, but he told me he was going to be busy today. I don't know. Sorry this is so long. I thought 35 was too old for this.

  2. #2
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    He said he was sorry for leading you on. That is what would stick out in my mind. I would had one last talk with him, and that would be to tell him that since he has someone, you are also free to seek someone. You will both need to see where this leads to...maybe nothing. Did you ever see the movie, " When Harry me Sally?" chi

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You reconnected with him and the same pattern of using you as a placeholder emerged. That's not how what "best friends" act. Imo, you should leave the whole friendship alone.

    It's not that "nothing ever works for you". It's that right now you are in the middle of a very difficult situation. Going through a divorce is not a good period to reconnect with an ex, even as a friend. Imo, you are in denial regarding what pushed you to seek him out. You were trying to escape your current life and that's not a good reason to reconnect with an ex even as a friend, if you think about it. Yet, you need to focus on sorting out your divorce and heal from the betrayal. Things WILL get better in time. Good luck.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Is your husband still living with you? Have you found a place to live? It would be better to talk to an attorney and a therapist about this rather than dredge up old acquaintances and looking for sympathy or rescuing. Focus on getting divorced, your children, getting the appropriate child support for them and making sure you are employed and financially stable.

    My advice remains the same about your situation: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by JandJMom
    I talked to him about what was happening with my husband, about all the cheating, about my kids. Things that I haven't told anyone.

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  6. #5
    Member proseyxi's Avatar
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    Don`t feel stupid. Or anxious. Relax here for me. Take a breath, maybe make yourself a margarita and get some time out in the sun. Or chill with pop corn and a movie on the couch, cuddling with your kids. In essence - stop YOURSELF.

    Now, old somethings never become new anythings in my opinion. [/COLOR]You have selected the good memories off of this ex and what you had together and in comparison to what your ex husband did to you, it looks like a fairytale. But it is not. I want you to focus on the bad memories with him. Then I want you to understand that since this is such a hard time for you, this enthusiasm of reconnecting with the past is just an emotional shield to protect you from your current emotional reality. Being cheated> divorce> sadness> loss> memory process> digging deeper to find happy memories>ex pops up> he reciprocates the interest>you get a pick me up. It`s completely normal and I think you should stop blaming yourself over this. Stop with the past, cut all cords and see this, right now, everyday life. You are blessed to have 2 children and to have escaped a life with a cheating a$$hole. YOU ARE FREEEEEEEE

    As far as why he pulled away, and forgive me if I`m being offensive but, have you 2 connected sexually? Because I find the "oh my God I completely forgot about this other girl I was talking to before you" a sh*tload of bullsh*t on his part.

  7. #6
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    You're probably right 😭. It's been a terrible time. My husband was the one who wanted to get a divorce, but he's dragging his feet with it and trying to make me feel like everything is my fault. I'm living with my parents, at the moment, and I just feel so alone because I don't want to talk to anyone about everything.

    Then I started talking to Justin again and it just felt so good to 1. Talk about everything. Because on top of all of this, my 5 year old son is having severe behavioral issues at school. And I have no one to talk to that actually listens. And it just felt so good to talk it out. He actually listens and actually cares. And it's been years since I've had a connection with anyone like that. And 2. It just felt so good to have contact with anyone and I honestly thought that maybe this was really it. I know it's stupid because it was only a few weeks, but it really felt really real. Luckily, we hadn't been able to meet up yet, because I'm sure it would have turned sexual and then I'd be in an even bigger mess. 😭😭

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by proseyxi
    Don`t feel stupid. Or anxious. Relax here for me. Take a breath, maybe make yourself a margarita and get some time out in the sun. Or chill with pop corn and a movie on the couch, cuddling with your kids. In essence - stop YOURSELF.

    Now, old somethings never become new anythings in my opinion. [/COLOR]You have selected the good memories off of this ex and what you had together and in comparison to what your ex husband did to you, it looks like a fairytale. But it is not. I want you to focus on the bad memories with him. Then I want you to understand that since this is such a hard time for you, this enthusiasm of reconnecting with the past is just an emotional shield to protect you from your current emotional reality. Being cheated> divorce> sadness> loss> memory process> digging deeper to find happy memories>ex pops up> he reciprocates the interest>you get a pick me up. It`s completely normal and I think you should stop blaming yourself over this. Stop with the past, cut all cords and see this, right now, everyday life. You are blessed to have 2 children and to have escaped a life with a cheating a$$hole. YOU ARE FREEEEEEEE

    As far as why he pulled away, and forgive me if I`m being offensive but, have you 2 connected sexually? Because I find the "oh my God I completely forgot about this other girl I was talking to before you" a sh*tload of bullsh*t on his part.
    I don't know, I don't even feel free. My husband is dragging his feet on finalizing any divorce, even though he's with his third woman (even got her pregnant, but she had a miscarriage). He tells me that I didn't care enough for him and that it's ally fault and his family's fault that he is the way he is. Justin was the first person who talked to me about it and made me feel like it wasn't my fault and that I just needed to leave my husband to be by himself and not to worry about him anymore.

    I just feel like I'm a mess and I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't open up to anyone. I just pretend that everything is ok, but I was always able to open to Justin.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This FB guy is not a professional child psychologist, your son's teacher or a pediatrician. Stop hiding. He is not your surrogate husband or a surrogate father. He is a FB acquaintance. A therapist and attorney could actually help you. Why doesn't your family care? Obviously they know about your issues because you live there. Get support from more appropriate resources. Friends extended family support groups, etc. Trawling FB is lazy and won't help your son. Focus on your son not some fake FB romance.
    Originally Posted by JandJMom
    my 5 year old son is having severe behavioral issues at school. And I have no one to talk to that actually listens. And it just felt so good to talk it out.

  10. #9
    Member proseyxi's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JandJMom
    I don't know, I don't even feel free... He tells me that I didn't care enough for him and that it's ally fault and his family's fault that he is the way he is. Justin was the first person who talked to me about it and made me feel like it wasn't my fault...
    Hahahahaaha of course it`s your fault he cheated! How else could it be with a self loathing, abusive, clown of a man? You know what, him saying that is a good thing. A VERY good thing. Shows you what kind of a POS he is and how lucky you are to have him out of your door.

    It`s fine, you don`t have to rush feeling like anything at this moment. See, no clock is ticking, no one waits, nothing is pending. Since your divorce is on its way you needn`t worry. Have a talk with your lawyer to press on and let it be. I suggest you completely cut off communication with your ex hus-not-even-band. Details of his life should be of no interest to you. Think of it this way: you already had a wedding, already have kids, you have a job (I pressume) and you are still SO FREAKING YOUNG?!?! Come on now, you are better than most women I know! Yeah ok you divorced so what? You were saved, living with a dead beat clown is worse than being divorced. Thank the stars you live in a country that allows for that. Many women around the globe are forced to marry and stay married with monsters and have no way of escaping. The kids- you don`t have to bent your life anymore to satisfy your biological clock! And did I mention, you have 2 beautiful souls to forever love you and care for you? Justin who? You got a visit from the ghost of past christmas sorta speak. They contributed to something yes, now it`s time for them to go. Remember the days you thought that something was impossible? I`m sure you did at some point. And things DID work out!

  11. #10
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    Actually I seem to be thinking about this situation a bit differently. I don't really think this guy led you on. I mean you hadn't spoken to him in thirteen years and you contacted him totally out of the blue. He didn't really owe you anything. Also nothing happened between you except only talking. Talking online, not even in person. To be honest your behaviour is basically acting like you're on a massive rebound. Which you probably are!

    I understand you're really hurt from everything your husband did to you and this is a difficult time for you. But let's be honest, you most likely subconsciously wanted to look your ex up to get attention and validation because you're going through a bad time. You hadn't spoken to him at all for thirteen years! That's a really long time!

    As soon as you got back in touch with him, you basically started offloading your problems on him and using him as a rebound and emotional crutch. And for some reason he was buying into it and responding to you. It's not really fair to ignore someone for thirteen years and then out of the blue just expect them to listen to your issues and support you. And to suddenly start dating! Sorry but the whole thing just sounds implausible.

    I think eventually your ex realised that you're just on the rebound and probably not ready to date. It does seem like you were probably mostly projecting on him because you hadn't met any other new men yet. I mean how can you seriously still have feelings for him when you cut him off and had a family with another man for more than a decade?

    I personally don't really think he did anything wrong. You say you didn't look him up with any ulterior motives. Really? So why didn't you just turn to your family and friends for support? Why did you have to come to your ex?

    "I just feel like I'm a mess and I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't open up to anyone. I just pretend that everything is ok, but I was always able to open to Justin."

    I think you basically said yourself what I was trying to say. You don't want to be alone and he used to be a comfort.

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