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Thread: Nothing ever works out for me

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    First let's change the narrative - you are not alone. You have your children, you have your family. What you are losing is a cheating lying disordered psychopath. It's like cutting out a malignant tumor that's slowly killing you inside.

    Unfortunately, divorcing these people is like being at war. He will say horrible things, he will play games, he will mess with you every way he can just because he is that kind of an evil low life. So people are giving you good advice - get your head in the game, get a pitbull lawyer, get a good therapist to talk to and help you through. Start making concrete plans about work, getting your own place and so on. The more you focus on these pragmatic things and getting them done, the less you'll feel like you are helpless and alone and just want to be rescued. Become your own powerful rescue party.

    There is also an online blog for those dealing with what you are going through with a lot of resources to deal with this called chumplady.com Look it up. You might find it useful in terms of understanding that you are not responsible for his cheating.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    So people are giving you good advice - get your head in the game, get a pitbull lawyer, get a good therapist to talk to and help you through. Start making concrete plans about work, getting your own place and so on. The more you focus on these pragmatic things and getting them done, the less you'll feel like you are helpless and alone and just want to be rescued. Become your own powerful rescue party.
    Yep. things don't just work out, for anyone. We need to work them. Leapfrogging from an abusive ex to a stranger you haven't known for 13 years isn't a crime, but it's not likely to just 'work out,' either.

    Putting your own life on solid ground, first and foremost, is something we all need to do before we can adopt good judgment in selecting a partner. Getting sidetracked by a flake isn't part of that agenda. It's also nothing to beat yourself up over.

    Head high.

  3. #13
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    Why be mad? He was your placeholder. The fact that you had to detail about how much you were hurt by your ex, and he had to listen to all that, and then you telling him to pump the brakes, you are telling him 100%, you're my rebound, and you will not have my full attention.

    I would have said anything to not get involved in the sticky situation. You aren't ready to date someone you could really see yourself with. You are ready to have fun and date people - just not someone that would be your lost love.

    Go have fun, and get your head on straight.

  4. #14
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    Thanks, everyone.

    I think that when I contacted him, maybe I wasn't expecting anything, but I was hoping for something, deep down. And that was my fault. I wish i hadn't contacted him, though, lol. It was just weird. I know I shouldn't have even thought about it, but I think I clung to him because he was the first person in years that even pretended to care. He would call me and ask how things were going. He would make the first move on whatever. But I don't know, I probably scared him away because he doesn't even want to talk anymore. I texted him (I know I shouldn't have) and asked him if we should just talk again in another 13 years and he just said "no, just intermittently". Lol, so I just said, I've got it, and goodbye. So, yeah, I guess that was good while it lasted.

    This morning, while driving to work, I just couldn't stop crying. It wasn't just because of him. It's because I'm just not ok. I do have my family, but I can't talk to them about any of this because 1. They don't know how bad everything with my husband is/was. I don't want to tell them because it just won't be good. And 2. Everybody thinks, all my friends and family, that I'm so strong and happy all the time. And my kids, I have to keep moving on for them. But I'm not ok. I honestly, most days, just want to close myself off from everyone and be alone. But I can't. And he made me feel good for the few weeks I had him again, but I was just using him.

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  6. #15
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    Stop blaming yourself; I think this is why you won't talk to anyone. You think he cheated because of something you did. BIG FAT NOPE. He cheated because he's a scumbag.

    Repeat after me - He's a scumbag.

    And the person who is the strongest is the person who can be vulnerable. The person who can say when enough is enough. The person who is not afraid to speak up. Your love ones want to be there for you. They don't want the perfect picture of some fake instagrammer. They want real; not a robot. And if you keep it all in, you're just gonna explode. Lean on family because I'm sure they can lean on you. Be real with yourself and others.

    I find it you believe someone is totally normal, or perfect, you just don't know that person very well.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JandJMom
    Thanks, everyone.

    I think that when I contacted him, maybe I wasn't expecting anything, but I was hoping for something, deep down. And that was my fault. I wish i hadn't contacted him, though, lol. It was just weird. I know I shouldn't have even thought about it, but I think I clung to him because he was the first person in years that even pretended to care. He would call me and ask how things were going. He would make the first move on whatever. But I don't know, I probably scared him away because he doesn't even want to talk anymore. I texted him (I know I shouldn't have) and asked him if we should just talk again in another 13 years and he just said "no, just intermittently". Lol, so I just said, I've got it, and goodbye. So, yeah, I guess that was good while it lasted.

    This morning, while driving to work, I just couldn't stop crying. It wasn't just because of him. It's because I'm just not ok. I do have my family, but I can't talk to them about any of this because 1. They don't know how bad everything with my husband is/was. I don't want to tell them because it just won't be good. And 2. Everybody thinks, all my friends and family, that I'm so strong and happy all the time. And my kids, I have to keep moving on for them. But I'm not ok. I honestly, most days, just want to close myself off from everyone and be alone. But I can't. And he made me feel good for the few weeks I had him again, but I was just using him.
    Stop pretending and start being honest with the people in your life who actually care about you - your family and your friends. To get the help that you crave, you need to open up and tell the truth.

    I realize that being in a relationship with a cheater, you've already spent a lot of your time pretending and trying to make out like everything is just great. It was a life of lies. Time to start living more honestly. The support that you need is right there beside you, all you need to do is open your mouth and tell the truth and you'll have all the support in the world.

    Again, I urge you to check out chumplady.con because she is another woman like you, who went through cheating and called BS in all caps on the shaming, victim blaming, and other bs that those who have been cheated on face daily. I think you'll find the resources there very very helpful and it might help you not only come to terms and stop hiding the truth, but also make you realize that you are far from alone in what you are going through.

  8. #17
    Member proseyxi's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JandJMom
    This morning, while driving to work, I just couldn't stop crying. It wasn't just because of him. It's because I'm just not ok. I do have my family, but I can't talk to them about any of this because 1. They don't know how bad everything with my husband is/was. I don't want to tell them because it just won't be good. And 2. Everybody thinks, all my friends and family, that I'm so strong and happy all the time. And my kids, I have to keep moving on for them. But I'm not ok. I honestly, most days, just want to close myself off from everyone and be alone. But I can't. And he made me feel good for the few weeks I had him again, but I was just using him.
    In order to move on, for you, for your kids, you must take care of yourself. Your kids are going to get emotionally hurt if they see mom hurting, not fending for herself emotionally and drowning in misery. Worse even they could to mimic your behavior when they grow old. You have to teach them that no matter what happens, if the world beats you down 10 times, you`ll stand back up 11 times. They say you are strong - FIGHT FOR THAT TITLE, FIGHT FOR YOUR EXISTENCE. Expressing your needs, your feelings, your sadness, hurt, anger IS BEING STRONG. Leaving your needs unmet is what is coward. Open up to yourself, your people and seek happiness in simplicity. In time you will realize all you need- you have it already. I know women that are past their fertile years and they would KILL to have what you have even with a divorce. Hug yourself, you ARE STRONG. Play unstoppable by sia, it helps me, maybe it can help you as well.

  9. #18
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    I'm going to file for the divorce myself. I realize that I can't even be free of my husband until I do it. I told my friend that I never filed for it myself because I felt bad for my husband. A part of me feels like he can't even go on by himself and that I still need to take care of him. Justin told me that I had a lot going on and I do. And that I needed to get everything sorted out.

    Also, I'm going to start going to counseling. Maybe that will help me open up to other people. I love my family. But I just don't feel comfortable opening up to them about my marriage. I just don't. But I don't have any real close friends anymore. There are honestly a lot of people who know nothing about my situation. As far as they know, I'm still with my husband and everything is good.


    Justin said that he still wants to talk but he said we needed to slow down. Which is fine. I realize that I'm not even ready to get into anything right now. I think that I was just kind of thrown for a loop because it was so sudden. We'd gotten off the phone with eachother at midnight and everything was good. And then at 630, he calls and we need to take a break. :-/. And to make matters worse, I warned him and he was still the one that was pursuing. Yes, I was probably using him. But I think it did just hurt my feelings or pride even that one second, we were maybe trying something again then the next minute I'm getting friend zoned. Should I just not contact him or can I still talk to him?

    Ugh...I'm just a mess :-(. Sorry guys...I know I should just leave the situation alone, but I'm just like why would he say all of that stuff to me just to push me away.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It may have felt nice to confide in someone, but he is not being paid $200/hr to be your attorney or therapist. It seems like you are in denial if you are living a lie. What do your family think is going on if you and your kids are living with them?

    You do not have to announce to everyone about your marital problems, but surely a few close family and friends have noticed? Even seeking out someone who has nothing to do with anyone as your confidant is a way to deny things and live a lie. What about your children? What are you telling them? Especially regarding them, therapy to help yourself navigate this and how to talk to them is important.
    Originally Posted by JandJMom
    I'm going to file for the divorce myself. I'm going to start going to counseling.

    Justin told me that I had a lot going on and I do. And that I needed to get everything sorted out.

  11. #20
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    Go and apologize to at least one or two of your friends that things fell by the wayside, and just be upfront that you let the friendship slip away is because you felt embarrassed that you didn't have you're sh+t together. Honey, EVERYONE is going through something, whether personal, career, money. You can be happy, you can be fulfilled, but there are always two sides of every coin. And a real friend gets that. Reach out. You'll need it! Invite them out. I know that getting married, having kids, it's very hard to make you and friendships a priority, but try once a month. Call one you miss the most up. And then another. And go listen to Lizzo on repeat. You will be okay - I promise.

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