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Thread: Is this girl messing with my head, or in denial?

  1. #1

    Is this girl messing with my head, or in denial?

    A girl and I met this year. We hung out and hooked up pretty frequently. We agreed to be 'friends with benefits'. We never established any boundaries, but i assumed we were both on the same page. her and I ended up talking all day, every day. Getting to know each other pretty fast, and neither of us realized. I started to like this girl, and still do to this day. She was showing every sign in the book that she wanted to date me. She was calling me her man to her friends, bragging about me, and calling me late at night to talk. We would hangout and not hookup too, we pretty much did everything.

    I started to become confused, because it did not feel like strictly friends with benefits at all. So, i talked to her. I told her why i was confused, and that i was unsure of what we were. She told me that we should not hookup anymore, because there were feelings and emotions between us, those are her words that she told me. I agreed. The very next weekend, and 3 more weekends after that, her and i hooked up. We kept hooking up with her initiating it every time. I was even more confused at this point. I asked her what was going on between us, and she said she feels comfortable around me in that way, sexually. However, she keeps telling me how much she loves my company and our friendship. She doesn't want to get involved in a relationship with anybody right now, and neither do i. I personally am NOT ready for anything, but yet i still like and am attracted to her. She acts the same way.

    She recently went to japan for 3 weeks for a class she is taking. We talked everyday while she was gone. She told me 'you talking to anyone trying to make me jealous?'. She also is reactive when i try to back off and respect boundaries since we are not together. This has been going on for almost 6 months now. She also tells me to not get swooped up by people, yet still tells me we are still only friends.

    She talks about me a lot, apparently. She is dealing with as lot personally, and opens up to me about a lot of personal matters. I am currently trying to be what she needs, which is a friend. I am also working on myself personally, trying to become more secure and improve my overall physical and mental health. However, if these mixed signals keep happening, i don't know how long i can deal with it. I don't want to lose her, at all. But I've told her countless times about boundaries, yet she continues to cross them at times. It messes with my head. What do you guys think?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    What do you want from her? Do you want a FWB situation or do you want a romantic relationship? If the latter, I think you should stop seeing her because she has told you she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. And consequently, she has no business asking you if you're talking to anyone else. Just tell her it's none of her business.

  3. #3
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    If you know youíre not ready for anything, then you know you are currently more invested than youíre ready to be. Itís time to back away gracefully and spend some more time on you.

  4. #4
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    You're going to get your heart crushed here, OP. You can tell her about boundaries all you want, but unless you enforce them, those are empty words from you.

    She doesn't want to be your girlfriend, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you while she is still single. What's likely going to happen here is that you will continue to be her pseudo-boyfriend until she meets a guy she does want to date, and you will be left in the dust.

    It's up to you whether you're willing to stick around for that gong-show.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree it's confusing to use labels like fwb when you are dating. Were you exclusive? It went from fwb to friendzone because it was too nebulous. Use this opportunity of her being away to end things.

    It sounds like she wants her freedom for this trip, and has demoted you to male-girlfriend. If/when she comes back, you can meet up for coffee and decide if you want to date her or not.
    Originally Posted by ajanderson32
    A girl and I met this year. We agreed to be 'friends with benefits'. We never established any boundaries, but i assumed we were both on the same page. She told me that we should not hookup anymore, because there were feelings and emotions between us. This has been going on for almost 6 months now.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    True friends want what's best for you. She warns you that you shouldn't be talking to other women. That's controlling, manipulate, and atrocious when you're not exclusive. A true friend doesn't want you to suffer. She knows you're into her and even though she doesn't feel the same, she doesn't care that you're in pain. She cares more about herself, that she gets an ego boost from your abundant attention.

    A loving girlfriend wants you all to herself, and wants an exclusive bond with you, to build a beautiful life with you.

    She is neither a friend or a girlfriend. She is somebody you f&*%. Isn't that what the you both agreed to at the beginning?

    That arrangement no longer works for you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here, posting your angst. Free yourself from this toxic barnacle. She's not healthy for yourself, and your relationship with her will prevent you from bonding with a future love. No potential gf will stick around when she finds out you still communicate and get together with a former or current FWB.

    Stop interpreting what you see as her wanting more than FWB from you. It's your hopeful wishes, not reality. Why is it that you say you're not ready for a relationship with anyone? Is that how you really feel, or are you lying to yourself and trying to sound cool and nonchalant, mirroring her? What's your life like besides her? Do you hang out with guy friends? Do you have hobbies?

    It will take you a good 3 or 4 months of no contact to start feeling better, but it will happen. Good luck in moving forward, that is, if you're smart enough to do so.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    The boundaries of FWB have been crossed. I agree the arrangement no long works for you and you should cut her loose.

  9. 02-16-2020, 08:15 PM

  10. #8
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    She told me that we should not hookup anymore, because there were feelings and emotions between us, those are her words that she told me. I agreed. The very next weekend, and 3 more weekends after that, her and i hooked up. We kept hooking up with her initiating it every time. I was even more confused at this point-
    - With what she had said.. YOU should have not agreed on getting intimate again,.

    This is what's messing you up more... like you said, I was even more confused at this point.


    She doesn't want to get involved in a relationship with anybody right now, and neither do i.
    - Well then, what the heck are you two doing?

    Of course it's going to mess you both up at this rate :/. Stop it.. all of it and work on some self respect & Boundaries.
    No more of this.. and some real distance is maybe a good thing,,, yes?

    I am currently trying to be what she needs, which is a friend.
    - No, you've gone beyond that... but to go back to just friends.. is harder :/.. I had to remove myself from my ex's
    life totally in order to find myself again and could NOT be his 'friend'.

    [B]I am also working on myself personally, trying to become more secure and improve my overall physical and mental health. However, if these mixed signals keep happening,[/B
    - Then stop it all.

    But I've told her countless times about boundaries, yet she continues to cross them at times. It messes with my head.
    - Because YOU keep allowing it.
    IF you are all at all serious, for yourself, then you will stop allowing this.
    This always takes TWO.

    You do have choices.. And boundaries are NOT sleeping together, backing off.. No need for contious contact or interactions.. as well No more Expectations.

    Get in there with some serious communications.. get things worked out and stop giving in to it.

    She should NOT be acting out in jealousy at all, if you two are not involved...
    A lot to work thru for sure.. :/

  11. #9
    Member proseyxi's Avatar
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    This is the reality: she wants you all to herself but doesn`t want herself all to yourself. She wants her freedom and your loyalty. This is (as others also said) manipulative and she gains more than she gives. Even if it`s just the sexual gratification. Since you want something personal and committed and she doesn`t want the same, part ways. The way she keeps you close is by messing with your head as you said in the title. All the boundaries are super blurry and she gives you mixed signals. Maybe SHE doesnt even know what she wants. Either way, let yourself free. Move on. It`s for the best.

  12. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Whenever FWB is a thing, whatever mess that follows is really no surprise. Decide what YOU want, and then go pursue that with someone who is willing to give it to you.

  13. 02-18-2020, 08:36 PM



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