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Thread: Need help with my super complicated and long sitaution

  1. #1
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    Need help with my super complicated and long sitaution

    This will end up being kinda long but I will try shorten as much as I can

    My ex [21F] met this guy [24M] back in February 2017, lets call him Guy 1. He was in a relationship at the time and it was nothing but casual friends who had mutuals and that's all. A month later in March, she met me and it was love at first sight for both of us. My father passed a month before so I was still wanting to take things slow and she understood. Everything was very sweet and cute with us, it was really nice.

    She had this BFF at the time, who would always gossip, start rumours and drama about everyone. She was in a toxic relationship herself so she was jealous of how happy we were, and she was jealous of my girl that she got to 'have' me if that makes sense. We were all good friends but the BFF started talking more to me, and telling me all these lies she made up about my girl at the time, to deter me from her. I was very vulnerable and impressionable at the time, I had no idea who to trust as my life had been a mess after my father passed, and I stupidly ended up trusting the BFF.

    In maybe May/June 2017, the BFF riled me up one night, all night, and made me very angry and told me to confront the girl as it was the right thing to do to preserve my dignity. I was very mean to this girl and hurt her emotionally when I ended things. We didn't talk for a couple of months and then we saw each other again in college and became casual friends. This girl was still very much into me and not over me whatsoever.

    In maybe November 2017, she started dating Guy 1 but she was still very much not over me.. We started talking again around that time more as friends and she was still dating him a month later. She would complain that he doesn't text her for weeks and would randomly ask her out, to which she would agree. As we talked more, their thing started to fade out and we both developed crushes on each other start of 2018.

    For the next couple of months, we would flirt a lot and talk all the time, go on study dates, etc. but it never escalated past that as we were both unsure of each other's feelings.

    Come summer time, we barely talked anymore. I sent her a message explaining how hurt I was by 2017 events, and that it disrupted my grieving process after my father passed. It was a strong worded message as I still kind-of believed the lies of the BFF, she was hurt by it and decided to give up on me and move on.

    In July 2018, I realised I had feelings for her that I had ignored for a long time. I told her how i felt and she said she felt the same but the next morning, went back on her words. A few days later (August), she told me she had been dating someone since June of that year and she was ready to leave our "mess" behind. I was very hurt and accepted her request to stay friends.

    After 3 weeks, the guy messed things up with her and she had been losing interest in him anyway, and gaining interest in me. After things ended between them, we went out and had a really nice day and we were in a relationship and very much in love a couple of days later. She said she did like that other guy, but she was more happy to be moving on from me, and mistaked that happiness for being happy to be with this new guy.

    Our relationship started at the start of September and she broke up with me April 2019. It was a very sweet RS and we loved each other very much, we were sure of having a future with each other. In March 2019, it dawned on her that she is finishing college and she was unsure what she was going to do afterwards. Also, her family was moving country and pretty much forcing her to move with them. She became very depressed and found it hard to express her feelings to me often times, and in April, she told me she just can't be in a relationship right now, with anyone, not just me.

    After this, we stayed friends but we clearly had feelings for each other still as we would flirt a lot and meet up and started kissing a lot later on as well. In September 2019, we spent a night together and she told me she loved me, and that she always has and doesn't know why she doesn't say it. She would also tell me that it was the happiest night/morning of her life waking up to me, its as if she was in heaven. She would say she knew then and there I'm the love of her life. Then she moved away after a few days

    We would talk all day every day after she moved away in October 2019. She hates the place she's in and her job as well, she is miserable there and can't wait to come back this August.

    Things stayed fine and loving with us, she would always tell me how much she loved me, I would always wake up to cute loving morning texts etc and she would say how I'm the love of her life, and how she can't wait for a life with me, wants my babies etc etc. But, at the end of December, she decided to end things...

    She told me that the reason was, that she would go through a cycle of love/being upset with me due to her overthinking about how I hurt her back in 2017 and that it still affects her to this day. She would feel love for me, but it would be "short-lived" as it would be followed by being upset by overthinking our past (Which I had more than made up for, apologised for over and over and treated her amazingly ever since we got together). But yeah, she decided she could not keep going on in this toxic cycle and decided to stay just friends. I was hurt but we're long distance so there's not much I could do or say to change her mind

    2 weeks ago, I find out that Guy 1 and her stayed friends, and had started talking more (as friends) in 2019. She always saw him as just a friend, although she knew he liked her. She would always joke and say that dating him was a joke, what they had was nothing and that it was the worst time dating him, etc. etc. She would think he was annoying when he would ask her out when we were in a relationship (he pissed me off so much back then, he would just not leave her alone and kept being a "friend")

    But, 2 weeks ago, she told me that last summer 2019, there was a day or two where she thought she may have feelings for him but she brushed it off as nostalgia. She also felt guilty because last summer, me and her were casually dating, talking all the time, flirting all the time and had strong feelings for each other. I remember she would often tell me she's "obsessed" with me, which was very cute. But that was our dynamic back then

    She said she brushed it off and felt guilty about it and buried it deep in her mind as something stupid and continued loving me. She realised it was a problem when those feelings would "keep coming back" while she's been away, but she never acted on them or addressed them as she was "with" me end of last year (or rather in love with me, we weren't committed or official but it was a mutual understanding that we're exclusive/dating each other)

    She said at the end of December, he expressed his feelings to her (he had done so before a few times too) but it was then when she realised how unstable she felt while being in love with me (due to her overthinking) and asked for some space back then to think about what she was doing. She decided to end things with me and "start" things with him, as she expressed her feelings to him too.

    This seems so odd to me, as they only met up once all of last summer, and she was genuinely in love with me. Sometimes I feel she saw our situation as very unstable and so unstable that a situation with Guy 1, who she always joked about as being "nothing", seemed more stable so she decided to "jump" into things with him

    But, she has kept telling me that they are honestly nothing. They've said they like each other but that's all they've said and they are still "just friends". But they do text a bit and call often too. She said it doesn't make sense to be things with him rn as she is still abroad for the next 6-7 months so there is no point. She says that she doesn't think they will be anything for a while, "if not ever". She also says she's giving herself time to process her feelings and thoughts about him as she is kind of questioning if her feelings for him are genuine. But she also says that she's as "sure as [she] CAN be rn that they're genuine". She says that he's voiced he wants a relationship, but she still doesn't want one right now and just wants to go with the flow. But she says she doesn't know if down the line she might, or might not, so she can't say with certainty that she wants to be with him as a couple, if that makes sense. They've just acknowledged their feelings and that's all right now.

    She also says that she thinks I think they're more than they actually are.

    I took a few days off without talking to her but now we are texting much much more now. She actually even said happy valentine's day to me yesterday and got kind of jealous when I joked about sending a girl she had always seen as a "threat" while we were together, flowers for valentine's 2 years ago. She kept asking if I was serious and kept saying stuff like stop messing with me etc. So it kinda looked like she was a little jealous

    In my eyes, and this may sound condescending, she saw our situation as such an unstable situation which caused her a lot of overthinking and bother, that she wanted to remove herself from it as much as she could. At that time, Guy 1 expressed his feelings and since he is a nice guy and a good friend, she may have saw him as a "safer" option to jump to after ending things with me, so she could be emotionally fulfilled. Or, so she could have something stable in her life for once in a long time, and since she knew how he felt, it seemed easier to do that. She said she wasn't going to tell him how she felt until he said something. And this guy is so annoying that he would often express his feelings for her, even when we were together. One time he randomly texted her middle of the night saying "I love you" since he thought he was dying.. As well as this fact, her life got turned upside down in March 2019 and it hasn't gotten better since, she has stayed very emotionally unstable ever since and that was the main reason we broke up too, she was too emotionally unstable for a relationship and just couldn't handle it anymore, even though she still did have strong feelings for me (that she would deny back then, but admit months on)

    She says she doesn't have feelings for me, and I will take her word for it right now. She says she doesn't see us being together again as a possibilty right now, but that she is "a fool if [she] can tell what will happen in the future"... She has said many times that who knows what will happen in the future, etc. I told her that since we've loved each other before, it's been proven it is possible thus it is possible to happen again and she said she has the same viewpoint and life can be funny etc etc.

    I should also include, that Guy 1 has a chronic illness which reduces his quality of life and it's a progressive illness, meaning his condition will deteriorate over time and his life is shortened to just 35-40 years old. 45 Maximum. I know she has always felt bad for him, and that's why she has never cut contact with him as she would feel so depressed if she did, then something happened to him. I feel this also tugs at her heart strings a bit which causes her to "have feelings" for him. I feel that she is just more happy to be moving on from me than actually liking him, the same way she was with that other guy in 2018, when we ended up together.

    I know a lot can change in 6-7 months by the time she comes back, but I am planning to just be my funny, caring self around her (by text) until then and moving on with my life in the meantime. I do love her a lot and I do want to be with her, and for some reason I have this intuition that somewhere deep inside she may feel the same, not right now, but that it is in there somewhere. But, I will let HER say this and come to me, rather than pushing it on her. I feel her emotional stability, and inability to "love" herself or be happy with her life right now with the big life-changing things she has gone through in the past year, she has become confused about her feelings.

    Like honestly, if you have to question whether your feelings are genuine for a person, or if you aren't fully thinking about a future with them when you both confess your feelings to each other?, and instead having "no idea and no expectations" about the outcome of your thing with him.... are you truly genuinely actually into that person/have feelings for that person...

    Thank you for reading if you have made it this far, I would really love your opinion on if this thing with this new guy is a rebound, or what is it and what she may be thinking right now... Thanks again.

  2. #2
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    Apologies for only reading half way through.

    My thoughts are in response to the events from 2017 anyway. My two cents, when you believed the friend and not your partner and abandoned her, this event cracked the foundations of the relationship. All you build on top of it now will be unstable as you have shown her you have the capacity to leave once, it could happen again at any time. There is no fault here on either side, that is just how it happened but the fact that is still plays on her mind suggests the damage is done.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JohnJ786
    I would really love your opinion on if this thing with this new guy is a rebound, or what is it and what she may be thinking right now... Thanks again.
    It sounds like she is not particularly interested in settling down. She hasn't made up her mind yet about what she wants. Pretty normal for a 20-something these days. Her future may not involve either of you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about and how long ago was it? Never be this jealous or try to police and dictate to people who their friends can be or who they can talk to. If you need to patrol and police someone's friends or interactions, you're not compatible.
    Originally Posted by JohnJ786
    My ex [21F] met this guy
    2 weeks ago, I find out that Guy 1 and her stayed friends, and had started talking more (as friends) in 2019. She always saw him as just a friend, although she knew he liked her.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 02-16-2020 at 06:22 AM.

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  6. #5
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    I hate to tell you this, but she's not the girl you are going to settle down with. And probably not the girl Guy 1 is going to settle down with, either. She is too immature and inexperienced, and will probably cycle through a couple more boyfriends as she grows into an adult who is actually ready for a lifetime commitment. She is years away from that now.

    Your own history with her is so full of drama and back-forth that it won't likely ever work out, even if Guy 1 drops out of the picture. These relationships are training wheels for the more serious ones to come.

    Unless you want to repeat the same absurd cycle and continue to believe her half-truths about this other guy, you would be wise to move on. A girl who really wants to be with you isn't going to be this undecided about you, and certainly not for a guy who is "just friends." You're her back-up entertainment until she meets someone she is happy to exclude all others for. Sorry, dude.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    First off so sorry for your loss. Tough thing to be dealing with. Next this girl has been playing the both of you...in fact she is just as bad as her BFF. As they say you are the company you keep. Manipulating, playing head games..what is the pay off? who knows, but she's getting off on it. Maybe she feels empowered by having you two pining after her...she's been bread crumbing the both of you. Pulling in one, while pushing out the other, wash, rinse, repeat. She had you believing you were special, but that she is confused, doesn't know what she wants, blah blah blah. You have been duped.

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    Hi, thanks for the reply

    I don't think that's specifically the issue ie trust issues on her behalf.. at the very start we were best friends and then all that stuff happened (I wont go into detail, but it wasn't a direct fault of either of us and she recognises this) and then a year later, we built a new foundation and "started over" of being best friends again!

    The issues only came up for her when her life got flipped upside down, she would tell me she loved me, but she had/has a major overthinking issue where right after she would love me, she would think about the events of 2017 and be upset - and associate those bad feelings with me. She would then snap out of it and forget it and love me again and it was very "up and down" for her, as she described

    Now, it doesn't really play on her mind. She said she doesn't think about it or is affected by it when we're just friends... it wasn't a problem until around 6 months into our relationship, which was also the time her life got flipped upside down like I said and she started having anxiety, depression and overthinking issues

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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    First off so sorry for your loss. Tough thing to be dealing with. Next this girl has been playing the both of you...in fact she is just as bad as her BFF. As they say you are the company you keep. Manipulating, playing head games..what is the pay off? who knows, but she's getting off on it. Maybe she feels empowered by having you two pining after her...she's been bread crumbing the both of you. Pulling in one, while pushing out the other, wash, rinse, repeat. She had you believing you were special, but that she is confused, doesn't know what she wants, blah blah blah. You have been duped.
    She actually cut off this BFF right after all of this. And we both cut her off fully then later in 2017 as I realised the bff was a POS as well.
    I don't think she has this huge plan to "play" both of us etc as you suggested, right now, things have been very nice between us and we talk regularly and its all light, fun, laughing convos we used to have when we were together... with her new man, of course I don't know what the dynamic is but she does say they are close. But that she can't talk to him about everything bc they "aren't there yet" ...

    I know it's probably not the best thing, but it's my decision to do so and I do want to give it a shot and try see if we can get back to that point again, as we did before twice... since we are long distance it makes it kinda hard and also the fact she likes another guy now makes it harder, but I do think feelings change all the time and they may change for me, they may change for her but I do know I want to give it a solid chance.. I am thinking I go NC for about 1-2 weeks and work on myself, then keep contact with her here and there and keep those convos light and funny as always, I'm thinking she might fall back into me? As this happened before, I don't believe it is just a "delusion" I'm having or anything

    Let me know what you think :)

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I hate to tell you this, but she's not the girl you are going to settle down with. And probably not the girl Guy 1 is going to settle down with, either. She is too immature and inexperienced, and will probably cycle through a couple more boyfriends as she grows into an adult who is actually ready for a lifetime commitment. She is years away from that now.

    Your own history with her is so full of drama and back-forth that it won't likely ever work out, even if Guy 1 drops out of the picture. These relationships are training wheels for the more serious ones to come.

    Unless you want to repeat the same absurd cycle and continue to believe her half-truths about this other guy, you would be wise to move on. A girl who really wants to be with you isn't going to be this undecided about you, and certainly not for a guy who is "just friends." You're her back-up entertainment until she meets someone she is happy to exclude all others for. Sorry, dude.
    Yes I understand what you mean, I also feel she is not ready for a serious relationship right now.. she even said she won't be for a good while. Even with this new guy, she says she is just going w the flow of things and that she has no idea or expectations of where it's going. She says they're "not anything yet and won't be for a while, if not ever"

    The thing is that, it wasn't just some half-assed relationship that I may have made it sound it was. She was completely obsessed with me and so head over heels for me for so long -- even after she broke up with me last April. She would be depressed bc she was letting go of this amazing guy but she stuck by her decision to not go back back then bc she didn't want to be in a serious relationship, even now she still doesn't with him

    Their dynamic is "just friends" atm who like each other and that's all. They aren't in a relationship or anythign and are very far out from it from what she's said. I think the main reason is bc she is abroad right now and will be for the next 6-7 months. A lot can change in that time and feelings can also change I feel.

    6 months ago, she was obsessed with me but broken up, 6 months before that we were in a loving relationship, 6 months before that she was dating this other guy and 6 months before that she had a crush on me

    As I said in another reply, I recognise it is probably not the best thing to do, and I hope I do realise it for myself as well down the line, but I do want to give this a solid chance as we did love each other for so long and were huge parts of each other for so long. She tells me now that I was the best thing to happen to her for the past 2.5 years (when we met) as I taught her so much and pushed her to be better all the time, and the reason she's pursuing the career she wants later this year when she comes back

    My plan is to go NC 1-2weeks and work on myself, then slowly come back into her life and keep the convos regular, fun and light and I'm thinking with time, she will slowly fall back into me. She actually said a good while back that she doesn't want to get too close to me as she gets too used to me and we end up talking all the time and she doesn't want to go back to that "toxic cycle of me and you" (toxic in the sense that her mind won't let her rest when we were together)

    Let me know what you think

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    It sounds like she is not particularly interested in settling down. She hasn't made up her mind yet about what she wants. Pretty normal for a 20-something these days. Her future may not involve either of you.
    Yes I agree with that. It might sound stupid but I am willing to give it a chance and try to make something work anyway. If it doesn't by the end of this year at most, then I guess I will leave it for good, or i'll leave it when I lose feelings for her, but in my eyes she is very much worth it. I am not too fussed about getting serious with her ASAP either, as after we broke up we casually dated and I was always fine with that. We were just enjoying being in love with each other

    And in terms of the other guy... Probably not my place to say but I don't really see it working out. She is abroad rn and won't see him again in person until this August. Also, she is just taking it chill and "going with the flow" atm and I guess so is he, but he has told her he wants a relationship. She said she still doesn't want to be in one with anyone atm but she might think different down the line but she can't say for sure rn that she will or won't want a RS with him...

    I think the "talking casually" thing for a period of 6 more months is what might make this things not work out, as feelings change all the time. She told me when she broke up last April that she won't ever get back with me and that she's lost feelings and can't bring them back. However, when things settled down and we started talking normally again, they did in fact come back. I asked her recently why this happened and she said she always just felt comfortable, safe and secure around me. She actually told me back in 2018 when we got into the relationship that the reason she loves me so much is that I bring her a sense of familiarity, comfort and security that she has never found in anyone else so far, even though she and this current guy dated earlier that year (granted, she did have a minor crush on me back then)

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