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Need help with my super complicated and long sitaution


JohnJ786

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This will end up being kinda long but I will try shorten as much as I can

 

My ex [21F] met this guy [24M] back in February 2017, lets call him Guy 1. He was in a relationship at the time and it was nothing but casual friends who had mutuals and that's all. A month later in March, she met me and it was love at first sight for both of us. My father passed a month before so I was still wanting to take things slow and she understood. Everything was very sweet and cute with us, it was really nice.

 

She had this BFF at the time, who would always gossip, start rumours and drama about everyone. She was in a toxic relationship herself so she was jealous of how happy we were, and she was jealous of my girl that she got to 'have' me if that makes sense. We were all good friends but the BFF started talking more to me, and telling me all these lies she made up about my girl at the time, to deter me from her. I was very vulnerable and impressionable at the time, I had no idea who to trust as my life had been a mess after my father passed, and I stupidly ended up trusting the BFF.

 

In maybe May/June 2017, the BFF riled me up one night, all night, and made me very angry and told me to confront the girl as it was the right thing to do to preserve my dignity. I was very mean to this girl and hurt her emotionally when I ended things. We didn't talk for a couple of months and then we saw each other again in college and became casual friends. This girl was still very much into me and not over me whatsoever.

 

In maybe November 2017, she started dating Guy 1 but she was still very much not over me.. We started talking again around that time more as friends and she was still dating him a month later. She would complain that he doesn't text her for weeks and would randomly ask her out, to which she would agree. As we talked more, their thing started to fade out and we both developed crushes on each other start of 2018.

 

For the next couple of months, we would flirt a lot and talk all the time, go on study dates, etc. but it never escalated past that as we were both unsure of each other's feelings.

 

Come summer time, we barely talked anymore. I sent her a message explaining how hurt I was by 2017 events, and that it disrupted my grieving process after my father passed. It was a strong worded message as I still kind-of believed the lies of the BFF, she was hurt by it and decided to give up on me and move on.

 

In July 2018, I realised I had feelings for her that I had ignored for a long time. I told her how i felt and she said she felt the same but the next morning, went back on her words. A few days later (August), she told me she had been dating someone since June of that year and she was ready to leave our "mess" behind. I was very hurt and accepted her request to stay friends.

 

After 3 weeks, the guy messed things up with her and she had been losing interest in him anyway, and gaining interest in me. After things ended between them, we went out and had a really nice day and we were in a relationship and very much in love a couple of days later. She said she did like that other guy, but she was more happy to be moving on from me, and mistaked that happiness for being happy to be with this new guy.

 

Our relationship started at the start of September and she broke up with me April 2019. It was a very sweet RS and we loved each other very much, we were sure of having a future with each other. In March 2019, it dawned on her that she is finishing college and she was unsure what she was going to do afterwards. Also, her family was moving country and pretty much forcing her to move with them. She became very depressed and found it hard to express her feelings to me often times, and in April, she told me she just can't be in a relationship right now, with anyone, not just me.

 

After this, we stayed friends but we clearly had feelings for each other still as we would flirt a lot and meet up and started kissing a lot later on as well. In September 2019, we spent a night together and she told me she loved me, and that she always has and doesn't know why she doesn't say it. She would also tell me that it was the happiest night/morning of her life waking up to me, its as if she was in heaven. She would say she knew then and there I'm the love of her life. Then she moved away after a few days

 

We would talk all day every day after she moved away in October 2019. She hates the place she's in and her job as well, she is miserable there and can't wait to come back this August.

 

Things stayed fine and loving with us, she would always tell me how much she loved me, I would always wake up to cute loving morning texts etc and she would say how I'm the love of her life, and how she can't wait for a life with me, wants my babies etc etc. But, at the end of December, she decided to end things...

 

She told me that the reason was, that she would go through a cycle of love/being upset with me due to her overthinking about how I hurt her back in 2017 and that it still affects her to this day. She would feel love for me, but it would be "short-lived" as it would be followed by being upset by overthinking our past (Which I had more than made up for, apologised for over and over and treated her amazingly ever since we got together). But yeah, she decided she could not keep going on in this toxic cycle and decided to stay just friends. I was hurt but we're long distance so there's not much I could do or say to change her mind

 

2 weeks ago, I find out that Guy 1 and her stayed friends, and had started talking more (as friends) in 2019. She always saw him as just a friend, although she knew he liked her. She would always joke and say that dating him was a joke, what they had was nothing and that it was the worst time dating him, etc. etc. She would think he was annoying when he would ask her out when we were in a relationship (he pissed me off so much back then, he would just not leave her alone and kept being a "friend")

 

But, 2 weeks ago, she told me that last summer 2019, there was a day or two where she thought she may have feelings for him but she brushed it off as nostalgia. She also felt guilty because last summer, me and her were casually dating, talking all the time, flirting all the time and had strong feelings for each other. I remember she would often tell me she's "obsessed" with me, which was very cute. But that was our dynamic back then

 

She said she brushed it off and felt guilty about it and buried it deep in her mind as something stupid and continued loving me. She realised it was a problem when those feelings would "keep coming back" while she's been away, but she never acted on them or addressed them as she was "with" me end of last year (or rather in love with me, we weren't committed or official but it was a mutual understanding that we're exclusive/dating each other)

 

She said at the end of December, he expressed his feelings to her (he had done so before a few times too) but it was then when she realised how unstable she felt while being in love with me (due to her overthinking) and asked for some space back then to think about what she was doing. She decided to end things with me and "start" things with him, as she expressed her feelings to him too.

 

This seems so odd to me, as they only met up once all of last summer, and she was genuinely in love with me. Sometimes I feel she saw our situation as very unstable and so unstable that a situation with Guy 1, who she always joked about as being "nothing", seemed more stable so she decided to "jump" into things with him

 

But, she has kept telling me that they are honestly nothing. They've said they like each other but that's all they've said and they are still "just friends". But they do text a bit and call often too. She said it doesn't make sense to be things with him rn as she is still abroad for the next 6-7 months so there is no point. She says that she doesn't think they will be anything for a while, "if not ever". She also says she's giving herself time to process her feelings and thoughts about him as she is kind of questioning if her feelings for him are genuine. But she also says that she's as "sure as [she] CAN be rn that they're genuine". She says that he's voiced he wants a relationship, but she still doesn't want one right now and just wants to go with the flow. But she says she doesn't know if down the line she might, or might not, so she can't say with certainty that she wants to be with him as a couple, if that makes sense. They've just acknowledged their feelings and that's all right now.

 

She also says that she thinks I think they're more than they actually are.

 

I took a few days off without talking to her but now we are texting much much more now. She actually even said happy valentine's day to me yesterday and got kind of jealous when I joked about sending a girl she had always seen as a "threat" while we were together, flowers for valentine's 2 years ago. She kept asking if I was serious and kept saying stuff like stop messing with me etc. So it kinda looked like she was a little jealous

 

In my eyes, and this may sound condescending, she saw our situation as such an unstable situation which caused her a lot of overthinking and bother, that she wanted to remove herself from it as much as she could. At that time, Guy 1 expressed his feelings and since he is a nice guy and a good friend, she may have saw him as a "safer" option to jump to after ending things with me, so she could be emotionally fulfilled. Or, so she could have something stable in her life for once in a long time, and since she knew how he felt, it seemed easier to do that. She said she wasn't going to tell him how she felt until he said something. And this guy is so annoying that he would often express his feelings for her, even when we were together. One time he randomly texted her middle of the night saying "I love you" since he thought he was dying.. As well as this fact, her life got turned upside down in March 2019 and it hasn't gotten better since, she has stayed very emotionally unstable ever since and that was the main reason we broke up too, she was too emotionally unstable for a relationship and just couldn't handle it anymore, even though she still did have strong feelings for me (that she would deny back then, but admit months on)

 

She says she doesn't have feelings for me, and I will take her word for it right now. She says she doesn't see us being together again as a possibilty right now, but that she is "a fool if [she] can tell what will happen in the future"... She has said many times that who knows what will happen in the future, etc. I told her that since we've loved each other before, it's been proven it is possible thus it is possible to happen again and she said she has the same viewpoint and life can be funny etc etc.

 

I should also include, that Guy 1 has a chronic illness which reduces his quality of life and it's a progressive illness, meaning his condition will deteriorate over time and his life is shortened to just 35-40 years old. 45 Maximum. I know she has always felt bad for him, and that's why she has never cut contact with him as she would feel so depressed if she did, then something happened to him. I feel this also tugs at her heart strings a bit which causes her to "have feelings" for him. I feel that she is just more happy to be moving on from me than actually liking him, the same way she was with that other guy in 2018, when we ended up together.

 

I know a lot can change in 6-7 months by the time she comes back, but I am planning to just be my funny, caring self around her (by text) until then and moving on with my life in the meantime. I do love her a lot and I do want to be with her, and for some reason I have this intuition that somewhere deep inside she may feel the same, not right now, but that it is in there somewhere. But, I will let HER say this and come to me, rather than pushing it on her. I feel her emotional stability, and inability to "love" herself or be happy with her life right now with the big life-changing things she has gone through in the past year, she has become confused about her feelings.

 

Like honestly, if you have to question whether your feelings are genuine for a person, or if you aren't fully thinking about a future with them when you both confess your feelings to each other?, and instead having "no idea and no expectations" about the outcome of your thing with him.... are you truly genuinely actually into that person/have feelings for that person...

 

Thank you for reading if you have made it this far, I would really love your opinion on if this thing with this new guy is a rebound, or what is it and what she may be thinking right now... Thanks again.

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Apologies for only reading half way through.

 

My thoughts are in response to the events from 2017 anyway. My two cents, when you believed the friend and not your partner and abandoned her, this event cracked the foundations of the relationship. All you build on top of it now will be unstable as you have shown her you have the capacity to leave once, it could happen again at any time. There is no fault here on either side, that is just how it happened but the fact that is still plays on her mind suggests the damage is done.

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I would really love your opinion on if this thing with this new guy is a rebound, or what is it and what she may be thinking right now... Thanks again.

 

It sounds like she is not particularly interested in settling down. She hasn't made up her mind yet about what she wants. Pretty normal for a 20-something these days. Her future may not involve either of you.

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Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about and how long ago was it? Never be this jealous or try to police and dictate to people who their friends can be or who they can talk to. If you need to patrol and police someone's friends or interactions, you're not compatible.

My ex [21F] met this guy

2 weeks ago, I find out that Guy 1 and her stayed friends, and had started talking more (as friends) in 2019. She always saw him as just a friend, although she knew he liked her.

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I hate to tell you this, but she's not the girl you are going to settle down with. And probably not the girl Guy 1 is going to settle down with, either. She is too immature and inexperienced, and will probably cycle through a couple more boyfriends as she grows into an adult who is actually ready for a lifetime commitment. She is years away from that now.

 

Your own history with her is so full of drama and back-forth that it won't likely ever work out, even if Guy 1 drops out of the picture. These relationships are training wheels for the more serious ones to come.

 

Unless you want to repeat the same absurd cycle and continue to believe her half-truths about this other guy, you would be wise to move on. A girl who really wants to be with you isn't going to be this undecided about you, and certainly not for a guy who is "just friends." You're her back-up entertainment until she meets someone she is happy to exclude all others for. Sorry, dude.

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First off so sorry for your loss. Tough thing to be dealing with. Next this girl has been playing the both of you...in fact she is just as bad as her BFF. As they say you are the company you keep. Manipulating, playing head games..what is the pay off? who knows, but she's getting off on it. Maybe she feels empowered by having you two pining after her...she's been bread crumbing the both of you. Pulling in one, while pushing out the other, wash, rinse, repeat. She had you believing you were special, but that she is confused, doesn't know what she wants, blah blah blah. You have been duped.

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Hi, thanks for the reply

 

I don't think that's specifically the issue ie trust issues on her behalf.. at the very start we were best friends and then all that stuff happened (I wont go into detail, but it wasn't a direct fault of either of us and she recognises this) and then a year later, we built a new foundation and "started over" of being best friends again!

 

The issues only came up for her when her life got flipped upside down, she would tell me she loved me, but she had/has a major overthinking issue where right after she would love me, she would think about the events of 2017 and be upset - and associate those bad feelings with me. She would then snap out of it and forget it and love me again and it was very "up and down" for her, as she described

 

Now, it doesn't really play on her mind. She said she doesn't think about it or is affected by it when we're just friends... it wasn't a problem until around 6 months into our relationship, which was also the time her life got flipped upside down like I said and she started having anxiety, depression and overthinking issues

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First off so sorry for your loss. Tough thing to be dealing with. Next this girl has been playing the both of you...in fact she is just as bad as her BFF. As they say you are the company you keep. Manipulating, playing head games..what is the pay off? who knows, but she's getting off on it. Maybe she feels empowered by having you two pining after her...she's been bread crumbing the both of you. Pulling in one, while pushing out the other, wash, rinse, repeat. She had you believing you were special, but that she is confused, doesn't know what she wants, blah blah blah. You have been duped.

 

She actually cut off this BFF right after all of this. And we both cut her off fully then later in 2017 as I realised the bff was a POS as well.

I don't think she has this huge plan to "play" both of us etc as you suggested, right now, things have been very nice between us and we talk regularly and its all light, fun, laughing convos we used to have when we were together... with her new man, of course I don't know what the dynamic is but she does say they are close. But that she can't talk to him about everything bc they "aren't there yet" ...

 

I know it's probably not the best thing, but it's my decision to do so and I do want to give it a shot and try see if we can get back to that point again, as we did before twice... since we are long distance it makes it kinda hard and also the fact she likes another guy now makes it harder, but I do think feelings change all the time and they may change for me, they may change for her but I do know I want to give it a solid chance.. I am thinking I go NC for about 1-2 weeks and work on myself, then keep contact with her here and there and keep those convos light and funny as always, I'm thinking she might fall back into me? As this happened before, I don't believe it is just a "delusion" I'm having or anything

 

Let me know what you think :)

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I hate to tell you this, but she's not the girl you are going to settle down with. And probably not the girl Guy 1 is going to settle down with, either. She is too immature and inexperienced, and will probably cycle through a couple more boyfriends as she grows into an adult who is actually ready for a lifetime commitment. She is years away from that now.

 

Your own history with her is so full of drama and back-forth that it won't likely ever work out, even if Guy 1 drops out of the picture. These relationships are training wheels for the more serious ones to come.

 

Unless you want to repeat the same absurd cycle and continue to believe her half-truths about this other guy, you would be wise to move on. A girl who really wants to be with you isn't going to be this undecided about you, and certainly not for a guy who is "just friends." You're her back-up entertainment until she meets someone she is happy to exclude all others for. Sorry, dude.

 

Yes I understand what you mean, I also feel she is not ready for a serious relationship right now.. she even said she won't be for a good while. Even with this new guy, she says she is just going w the flow of things and that she has no idea or expectations of where it's going. She says they're "not anything yet and won't be for a while, if not ever"

 

The thing is that, it wasn't just some half-assed relationship that I may have made it sound it was. She was completely obsessed with me and so head over heels for me for so long -- even after she broke up with me last April. She would be depressed bc she was letting go of this amazing guy but she stuck by her decision to not go back back then bc she didn't want to be in a serious relationship, even now she still doesn't with him

 

Their dynamic is "just friends" atm who like each other and that's all. They aren't in a relationship or anythign and are very far out from it from what she's said. I think the main reason is bc she is abroad right now and will be for the next 6-7 months. A lot can change in that time and feelings can also change I feel.

 

6 months ago, she was obsessed with me but broken up, 6 months before that we were in a loving relationship, 6 months before that she was dating this other guy and 6 months before that she had a crush on me

 

As I said in another reply, I recognise it is probably not the best thing to do, and I hope I do realise it for myself as well down the line, but I do want to give this a solid chance as we did love each other for so long and were huge parts of each other for so long. She tells me now that I was the best thing to happen to her for the past 2.5 years (when we met) as I taught her so much and pushed her to be better all the time, and the reason she's pursuing the career she wants later this year when she comes back

 

My plan is to go NC 1-2weeks and work on myself, then slowly come back into her life and keep the convos regular, fun and light and I'm thinking with time, she will slowly fall back into me. She actually said a good while back that she doesn't want to get too close to me as she gets too used to me and we end up talking all the time and she doesn't want to go back to that "toxic cycle of me and you" (toxic in the sense that her mind won't let her rest when we were together)

 

Let me know what you think

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It sounds like she is not particularly interested in settling down. She hasn't made up her mind yet about what she wants. Pretty normal for a 20-something these days. Her future may not involve either of you.

 

Yes I agree with that. It might sound stupid but I am willing to give it a chance and try to make something work anyway. If it doesn't by the end of this year at most, then I guess I will leave it for good, or i'll leave it when I lose feelings for her, but in my eyes she is very much worth it. I am not too fussed about getting serious with her ASAP either, as after we broke up we casually dated and I was always fine with that. We were just enjoying being in love with each other

 

And in terms of the other guy... Probably not my place to say but I don't really see it working out. She is abroad rn and won't see him again in person until this August. Also, she is just taking it chill and "going with the flow" atm and I guess so is he, but he has told her he wants a relationship. She said she still doesn't want to be in one with anyone atm but she might think different down the line but she can't say for sure rn that she will or won't want a RS with him...

 

I think the "talking casually" thing for a period of 6 more months is what might make this things not work out, as feelings change all the time. She told me when she broke up last April that she won't ever get back with me and that she's lost feelings and can't bring them back. However, when things settled down and we started talking normally again, they did in fact come back. I asked her recently why this happened and she said she always just felt comfortable, safe and secure around me. She actually told me back in 2018 when we got into the relationship that the reason she loves me so much is that I bring her a sense of familiarity, comfort and security that she has never found in anyone else so far, even though she and this current guy dated earlier that year (granted, she did have a minor crush on me back then)

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Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about and how long ago was it? Never be this jealous or try to police and dictate to people who their friends can be or who they can talk to. If you need to patrol and police someone's friends or interactions, you're not compatible.

 

We were dating in 2017 from March to May/June ish but since May it was long-distance as I went home from college. We had only texted since then and we had no problems when we were in person together.

 

Then for the next year nearly, we would kinda always have a crush on each other even though we dated other people. At that point, I was done with things I even told her "not now, not ever"... but it did end up happening again. We dated officially as bf/gf since September 2018 to April 2019

 

She broke up bc around February/March, she started feeling emotionally unstable and trapped, bc she was finishing college (something she loved so much) and she was so sad about that, didn't know where her life was going to go after college and her dad got a job in a different country and their whole family was moving away and forcing her pretty much to come with them to some boring small town. She hated this and got very anxious, depressed and started overthinking loads. she broke up bc she couldn't be in a relationship anymore, not just w me but w anyone. We would always talk about the future and she would be very happy doing so, but when her life changed, she would get anxious about it and the future scared her, so she couldn't be in a serious committed relationship anymore. She claimed she lost feelings for me but she was feeling "emotionless" at the time in general, and how she acted w me after the breakup I could tell she didn't lose feelings, just "turned them off" temporarily

 

Also, I never policed who she was talking to or anything, I was always secure that they were just friends. But its when I noticed he liked her, he would tell her and ask her out when we were together it bugged me and it bugged her too.. was just annoying and if it was me, I would've slowly just faded out contact w him as I had done w other girls who were intersted in me when we staretd dating

 

They're "talking" now and have just acknowledged they like each other, and she says thats as far as its gone and they havent really said more on it since mid-January ish. Probably not my place to say, but since she is taking things so chill with him, maybe she likes it bc its not something serious and extreme like it was with me, but he voiced he wants a relationship w her. She has told me she still doesn't want one atm but she can't say if she ever will or not bc her mind might change down the line as she believes there may be a chance they "might get serious" but rn, she doesn't have any idea or expectations of where its going with him, she says she thinks I think they jumped into something directly after us but she says they're "still not there yet and doesn't think they will be for a while, if not ever"

 

IMO, when I'm "talking" to someone, I do see a future with the person at some point and my goal is to be working toward building something with them as we get to know each other more... not being unsure about things like she is with him. And the fact they wont see each other for another 6-7 months is why I think this wont really go anywhere. A lot can change in that time and feelings can also change a lot in that time.

 

6 months ago, she would be calling me baby, sweetheart etc. saying she's obsessed and in love with me but we were broken up. 6 months before that she was saying she lost feelings for me, 6 months before that we were in a committed relationship and a little while before that she was dating someone else... so feelings are something that aren't permanent and do change over time

 

She has also said that rn, she doesn't see a posssibility of us ever happening but that she "is a fool if she can tell the future" and she said a few times that she has the same standpoint as me when I said that since we've proven we can love each other, it is possible to happen again.. She also said life is unpredictable and who knows what will happen in a few months or a year or even tomorrow, maybe we do end up together andher feelings change back for me, but right NOW she doesn't see it as a possibility as its how she feels at this particular moment

 

The thing is, she does still think about me.. on valentines day she got a little jealous when I told her that I sent flowers to this girl 2 years ago, a girl she was always iffy about when we were together and she kept asking me to stop joking and stop messing with her etc.. yesterday she sent me a pic of a girl from her show and said it looks like a girl I used to date, thats okay but then later on, she randomly asked me "remember when you used to like Rachel"... Rachel was a girl who had a crush on me when everyhting happened w us in 2017 and when she was still hung up on me. And then later last night, we had a long convo about how she's decided she does value herself. She was saying she was just thinking yesterday about the time she told me she was talking to this new guy now (2 weeks ago) and remembered how broken she felt that night, and said she never wants to feel that way again. She said she did some reflecting and decided she did value herself (she has always had issues w her self image, self respect and self love/value, would stay up a lot of nights crying and hating on herself)

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Wow :(.

Sorry, but this gal seems quite unstable IMO.

She's been here & there.. bouncing back & forth from one man to another.. into your arms. then backing off.

 

I feel she NEEDS some serious down time to figure herself out here... If anyone does that push- pull action in a relationship- shows they are not clear on things. They are confused.

 

 

 

She is young.. at 21 to be acting out in such manner, shows much an unsettled mind & heart.

 

She told me that the reason was, that she would go through a cycle of love/being upset with me due to her overthinking about how I hurt her back in 2017 and that it still affects her to this day. She would feel love for me, but it would be "short-lived" as it would be followed by being upset by overthinking our past (Which I had more than made up for, apologised for over and over and treated her amazingly ever since we got together)

- Sadly, the damage had been done :/. She could no longer trust you.

 

 

She decided to end things with me and "start" things with him, as she expressed her feelings to him too.

I took a few days off without talking to her but now we are texting much much more now.

 

Honestly.. I feel you two need to STOP all this interaction- stop being her soundboard or emotional pillow and back off now - totally.. for your own good.

She made her choice and showed you so many times, you are not for her.

She needs time on her own to figure herself out. ( Involvement with no one).

 

her life got turned upside down in March 2019 and it hasn't gotten better since, she has stayed very emotionally unstable ever since and that was the main reason we broke up too, she was too emotionally unstable for a relationship and just couldn't handle it anymore, even though she still did have strong feelings for me (that she would deny back then, but admit months on)

- See.. Fact... She is not okay... YOU need to accept this and that she can NOT Give to you.

 

but that she is "a fool if [she] can tell what will happen in the future"... She has said many times that who knows what will happen in the future, etc. I told her that since we've loved each other before, it's been proven it is possible thus it is possible to happen again and she said she has the same viewpoint and life can be funny

- I think, in reality- neither one of you guys will end up happily with her.

By time she can back away & deal with herself, she may realize it wouldn't work out with either.. and just move on.

 

Can you see what all of this is doing to YOU? When one is not mentally or emotionally stable?

you are just digging a big hole.. getting nowhere.

I think you should back away, for good - as mentioned and let her go.

 

and no, we cannot be ;friends' until we know we are no longer emotionally invested in them.

Is new guys a rebound.. in ways you all were, I feel.

She has been bouncing all over, back & forth.. sit back & look at it all... ( been there) it ruins you :(.

 

Leave her be.. No more expectations and yes, move on.

Work on your own mentality.. your own healing & accepting and leave her be.. to work on healing herself - RESPECT.

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Wow :(.

Sorry, but this gal seems quite unstable IMO.

She's been here & there.. bouncing back & forth from one man to another.. into your arms. then backing off.

 

I feel she NEEDS some serious down time to figure herself out here... If anyone does that push- pull action in a relationship- shows they are not clear on things. They are confused.

 

 

 

She is young.. at 21 to be acting out in such manner, shows much an unsettled mind & heart.

 

She told me that the reason was, that she would go through a cycle of love/being upset with me due to her overthinking about how I hurt her back in 2017 and that it still affects her to this day. She would feel love for me, but it would be "short-lived" as it would be followed by being upset by overthinking our past (Which I had more than made up for, apologised for over and over and treated her amazingly ever since we got together)

- Sadly, the damage had been done :/. She could no longer trust you.

 

 

She decided to end things with me and "start" things with him, as she expressed her feelings to him too.

I took a few days off without talking to her but now we are texting much much more now.

 

Honestly.. I feel you two need to STOP all this interaction- stop being her soundboard or emotional pillow and back off now - totally.. for your own good.

She made her choice and showed you so many times, you are not for her.

She needs time on her own to figure herself out. ( Involvement with no one).

 

her life got turned upside down in March 2019 and it hasn't gotten better since, she has stayed very emotionally unstable ever since and that was the main reason we broke up too, she was too emotionally unstable for a relationship and just couldn't handle it anymore, even though she still did have strong feelings for me (that she would deny back then, but admit months on)

- See.. Fact... She is not okay... YOU need to accept this and that she can NOT Give to you.

 

but that she is "a fool if [she] can tell what will happen in the future"... She has said many times that who knows what will happen in the future, etc. I told her that since we've loved each other before, it's been proven it is possible thus it is possible to happen again and she said she has the same viewpoint and life can be funny

- I think, in reality- neither one of you guys will end up happily with her.

By time she can back away & deal with herself, she may realize it wouldn't work out with either.. and just move on.

 

Can you see what all of this is doing to YOU? When one is not mentally or emotionally stable?

you are just digging a big hole.. getting nowhere.

I think you should back away, for good - as mentioned and let her go.

 

and no, we cannot be ;friends' until we know we are no longer emotionally invested in them.

Is new guys a rebound.. in ways you all were, I feel.

She has been bouncing all over, back & forth.. sit back & look at it all... ( been there) it ruins you :(.

 

Leave her be.. No more expectations and yes, move on.

Work on your own mentality.. your own healing & accepting and leave her be.. to work on healing herself - RESPECT.

 

I'll respond to your questions in order so:

 

1. It wasn't a trust thing I dont think, she always trusted me and knows I'm a great guy and great to and for her too.. but it was when she would feel love for me, her mind would go off like a trigger and she would remember how she felt back in 2017 due to the events that took place, and she would get very down and upset with herself, and me. Then she would snap out of it and focus on who I am today and fall in love with me. It was a stressful cycle that was slowly driving her crazy. In the midst of all of that, she had feelings for that guy, lets call him James, who she dated later in 2017 when she was clearly still not over me. They kept contact here and there as friends but it got more over last summer and after she left. She only ever saw James as a friend and always told me how what they had was "nothing" and she laughed at the idea of dating him again and said she would never go back to him. These 2 things together, I feel, she saw a way out of an unstable situation and into a stable one so she took that jump. She said she didn't jump from me to him, as these are feelings she had for him since last summer. Even though she was in love with me at the time and after she left too.

 

2. I'm not being her emotional soundboard or a shoulder to cry on, we're talking as friends and having very chill, relaxed and positive conversations where I'm making her laugh a whole lot. It's not just consoling her if she feels down or anything, she has been feeling fine lately.

 

3. Yes, I always believed she broke up bc her life got flipped so upside down back then, and she recognises this too, she just could not be in a relationship with anyone anymore for a long time (her words). I saw she was going through a terrible time so I left my feelings aside and decided to support her through that whole time. She ended up catching feelings for me again as she saw how much I cared for her and how supportive I was of her. She also caught feelings and fell in love bc there was no one else she felt so safe and comfortable around, but me. She told me 2 weeks before she ended things w me at the end of 2019 that I get her and she gets me and she's never been this way with anyone before, and no one gives her the familiarity, comfort, security and safe feeling she gets when she's with and around me. That's why I feel, by staying friends, it will allow her to slowly erase those past bad memories and instead replace them with current, positive memories of me supporting her, making her laugh and being the sweet guy I have always been to her. When she becomes less emotionally stable and find a routine in her life again (something she craves) then she will feel happier and more open to being in a relationship. Not with me specifically, but with anyone and that is why right now, is the best time to "invest" for when that time comes. I haven't been weak or needy, desperate toward her at all.We had a few days of long long talks start of this month but it died down and we've kept it chill ever since.

 

4. So, this may just be my ego speaking, but I don't see her and James (the new guy - not his real name) working out... reason being is that they dated in 2017 and it didn't work out and I remember her telling me that she knows it didn't/won't work with them so it's not something she would even ever consider again. She even says they're not dating rn, bc she is abroad and will be for the next 6 months, but also bc she doesn't want to "jump into anything" so quickly and that they've only told they like each other and that's it.

 

5. I think that ever since she ended things with me end of 2019, things have actually gotten better. She is more responsive, she laughs a lot with me, we text late night sometimes and she's open to calling me as well, which we haven't done yet but we will when I get free.

 

Sometimes I do feel I was a rebound but she assures me I wasn't. She always had deep rooted feelings for me and was trying to ignore them and get past them by dating other guys. She was scared that she would end up hurt again if she went back to me (this was summer of 2018) but when things ended with her and the guy at the time, she said she always had intense feelings for me and she loved me all the time and it took her a year and a half to say it (ever since we met) but she did love me more than anyone ever has, even always thought about a future with me, having a family, house, etc. Even recently, she would be researching our graduate salaries and saying we will be rich and live in a huge house etc. This was in December, the month she ended things with me in

 

I know that feelings fade, but love is something that is instilled in you. I know if I left tomorrow and never spoke to her again for the rest of my life, it would impact her in such ways that she would cry a lot and constantly feel pain as I am someone she values so much.

 

I know this James guy is just a temporary thing, and I know since it is long distance, it probably won't last. My friends have all been in long distance relationships and only 1 of them has lasted, and that was bc they had been together since teenage years. The rest, were casual dating and new relationships which faced LDR and they ended up ending after a few months. Right now, at the very MOST, her and James are casually dating and over the next 6 months, I don't see her committing to something serious over text... Or committing to something without seeing him in person, which she wont until she's back in August. So I don't think it will last. Our relationship lasted 7 months and she was head over heels for me, so how will this last longer when she only likes him a little bit and doesn't even see him as her "Valentine" this year, and is unsure if she would want a relationship with him down the line.

 

This girl has been very unpredictable. If I were to ask anyone in August 2018 when she friendzoned me bc she was seeing someone else, they would've told me to give up and move on and I've lost my chance. But after 3 weeks, the guy messed up, she felt trapped with him bc she had feelings for me, and jumped at the chance of ending things with that guy (he said he didn't want anything serious -- at that point in her life, she did)... Then she felt so free and happy to finally admit she loves me and be with me.

 

It might be the wrong thing to say, but I used being "friends" as an advantage back then as I could see her and meet up with her - as a friend. I could talk to her a lot - as a friend. And I mainly joked and sent positive vibes her way, stopped talking about feelings completely and this made all the difference.

 

This actually worked last year as well, I stopped talking about the breakup and feelings etc and just focused on making her laugh and having her feel happy, supporting her through rough times, and she eventually admitted she was deeply in love with me

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