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Thread: Need help with my super complicated and long sitaution

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about and how long ago was it? Never be this jealous or try to police and dictate to people who their friends can be or who they can talk to. If you need to patrol and police someone's friends or interactions, you're not compatible.
    We were dating in 2017 from March to May/June ish but since May it was long-distance as I went home from college. We had only texted since then and we had no problems when we were in person together.

    Then for the next year nearly, we would kinda always have a crush on each other even though we dated other people. At that point, I was done with things I even told her "not now, not ever"... but it did end up happening again. We dated officially as bf/gf since September 2018 to April 2019

    She broke up bc around February/March, she started feeling emotionally unstable and trapped, bc she was finishing college (something she loved so much) and she was so sad about that, didn't know where her life was going to go after college and her dad got a job in a different country and their whole family was moving away and forcing her pretty much to come with them to some boring small town. She hated this and got very anxious, depressed and started overthinking loads. she broke up bc she couldn't be in a relationship anymore, not just w me but w anyone. We would always talk about the future and she would be very happy doing so, but when her life changed, she would get anxious about it and the future scared her, so she couldn't be in a serious committed relationship anymore. She claimed she lost feelings for me but she was feeling "emotionless" at the time in general, and how she acted w me after the breakup I could tell she didn't lose feelings, just "turned them off" temporarily

    Also, I never policed who she was talking to or anything, I was always secure that they were just friends. But its when I noticed he liked her, he would tell her and ask her out when we were together it bugged me and it bugged her too.. was just annoying and if it was me, I would've slowly just faded out contact w him as I had done w other girls who were intersted in me when we staretd dating

    They're "talking" now and have just acknowledged they like each other, and she says thats as far as its gone and they havent really said more on it since mid-January ish. Probably not my place to say, but since she is taking things so chill with him, maybe she likes it bc its not something serious and extreme like it was with me, but he voiced he wants a relationship w her. She has told me she still doesn't want one atm but she can't say if she ever will or not bc her mind might change down the line as she believes there may be a chance they "might get serious" but rn, she doesn't have any idea or expectations of where its going with him, she says she thinks I think they jumped into something directly after us but she says they're "still not there yet and doesn't think they will be for a while, if not ever"

    IMO, when I'm "talking" to someone, I do see a future with the person at some point and my goal is to be working toward building something with them as we get to know each other more... not being unsure about things like she is with him. And the fact they wont see each other for another 6-7 months is why I think this wont really go anywhere. A lot can change in that time and feelings can also change a lot in that time.

    6 months ago, she would be calling me baby, sweetheart etc. saying she's obsessed and in love with me but we were broken up. 6 months before that she was saying she lost feelings for me, 6 months before that we were in a committed relationship and a little while before that she was dating someone else... so feelings are something that aren't permanent and do change over time

    She has also said that rn, she doesn't see a posssibility of us ever happening but that she "is a fool if she can tell the future" and she said a few times that she has the same standpoint as me when I said that since we've proven we can love each other, it is possible to happen again.. She also said life is unpredictable and who knows what will happen in a few months or a year or even tomorrow, maybe we do end up together andher feelings change back for me, but right NOW she doesn't see it as a possibility as its how she feels at this particular moment

    The thing is, she does still think about me.. on valentines day she got a little jealous when I told her that I sent flowers to this girl 2 years ago, a girl she was always iffy about when we were together and she kept asking me to stop joking and stop messing with her etc.. yesterday she sent me a pic of a girl from her show and said it looks like a girl I used to date, thats okay but then later on, she randomly asked me "remember when you used to like Rachel"... Rachel was a girl who had a crush on me when everyhting happened w us in 2017 and when she was still hung up on me. And then later last night, we had a long convo about how she's decided she does value herself. She was saying she was just thinking yesterday about the time she told me she was talking to this new guy now (2 weeks ago) and remembered how broken she felt that night, and said she never wants to feel that way again. She said she did some reflecting and decided she did value herself (she has always had issues w her self image, self respect and self love/value, would stay up a lot of nights crying and hating on herself)

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    Wow :(.
    Sorry, but this gal seems quite unstable IMO.
    She's been here & there.. bouncing back & forth from one man to another.. into your arms. then backing off.

    I feel she NEEDS some serious down time to figure herself out here... If anyone does that push- pull action in a relationship- shows they are not clear on things. They are confused.



    She is young.. at 21 to be acting out in such manner, shows much an unsettled mind & heart.

    She told me that the reason was, that she would go through a cycle of love/being upset with me due to her overthinking about how I hurt her back in 2017 and that it still affects her to this day. She would feel love for me, but it would be "short-lived" as it would be followed by being upset by overthinking our past (Which I had more than made up for, apologised for over and over and treated her amazingly ever since we got together)
    - Sadly, the damage had been done :/. She could no longer trust you.


    She decided to end things with me and "start" things with him, as she expressed her feelings to him too.
    I took a few days off without talking to her but now we are texting much much more now.


    Honestly.. I feel you two need to STOP all this interaction- stop being her soundboard or emotional pillow and back off now - totally.. for your own good.
    She made her choice and showed you so many times, you are not for her.
    She needs time on her own to figure herself out. ( Involvement with no one).

    her life got turned upside down in March 2019 and it hasn't gotten better since, she has stayed very emotionally unstable ever since and that was the main reason we broke up too, she was too emotionally unstable for a relationship and just couldn't handle it anymore, even though she still did have strong feelings for me (that she would deny back then, but admit months on)
    - See.. Fact... She is not okay... YOU need to accept this and that she can NOT Give to you.

    but that she is "a fool if [she] can tell what will happen in the future"... She has said many times that who knows what will happen in the future, etc. I told her that since we've loved each other before, it's been proven it is possible thus it is possible to happen again and she said she has the same viewpoint and life can be funny

    - I think, in reality- neither one of you guys will end up happily with her.
    By time she can back away & deal with herself, she may realize it wouldn't work out with either.. and just move on.

    Can you see what all of this is doing to YOU? When one is not mentally or emotionally stable?
    you are just digging a big hole.. getting nowhere.
    I think you should back away, for good - as mentioned and let her go.

    and no, we cannot be ;friends' until we know we are no longer emotionally invested in them.
    Is new guys a rebound.. in ways you all were, I feel.
    She has been bouncing all over, back & forth.. sit back & look at it all... ( been there) it ruins you :(.

    Leave her be.. No more expectations and yes, move on.
    Work on your own mentality.. your own healing & accepting and leave her be.. to work on healing herself - RESPECT.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by SooSad33
    Wow :(.
    Sorry, but this gal seems quite unstable IMO.
    She's been here & there.. bouncing back & forth from one man to another.. into your arms. then backing off.

    I feel she NEEDS some serious down time to figure herself out here... If anyone does that push- pull action in a relationship- shows they are not clear on things. They are confused.



    She is young.. at 21 to be acting out in such manner, shows much an unsettled mind & heart.

    She told me that the reason was, that she would go through a cycle of love/being upset with me due to her overthinking about how I hurt her back in 2017 and that it still affects her to this day. She would feel love for me, but it would be "short-lived" as it would be followed by being upset by overthinking our past (Which I had more than made up for, apologised for over and over and treated her amazingly ever since we got together)
    - Sadly, the damage had been done :/. She could no longer trust you.


    She decided to end things with me and "start" things with him, as she expressed her feelings to him too.
    I took a few days off without talking to her but now we are texting much much more now.


    Honestly.. I feel you two need to STOP all this interaction- stop being her soundboard or emotional pillow and back off now - totally.. for your own good.
    She made her choice and showed you so many times, you are not for her.
    She needs time on her own to figure herself out. ( Involvement with no one).

    her life got turned upside down in March 2019 and it hasn't gotten better since, she has stayed very emotionally unstable ever since and that was the main reason we broke up too, she was too emotionally unstable for a relationship and just couldn't handle it anymore, even though she still did have strong feelings for me (that she would deny back then, but admit months on)
    - See.. Fact... She is not okay... YOU need to accept this and that she can NOT Give to you.

    but that she is "a fool if [she] can tell what will happen in the future"... She has said many times that who knows what will happen in the future, etc. I told her that since we've loved each other before, it's been proven it is possible thus it is possible to happen again and she said she has the same viewpoint and life can be funny

    - I think, in reality- neither one of you guys will end up happily with her.
    By time she can back away & deal with herself, she may realize it wouldn't work out with either.. and just move on.

    Can you see what all of this is doing to YOU? When one is not mentally or emotionally stable?
    you are just digging a big hole.. getting nowhere.
    I think you should back away, for good - as mentioned and let her go.

    and no, we cannot be ;friends' until we know we are no longer emotionally invested in them.
    Is new guys a rebound.. in ways you all were, I feel.
    She has been bouncing all over, back & forth.. sit back & look at it all... ( been there) it ruins you :(.

    Leave her be.. No more expectations and yes, move on.
    Work on your own mentality.. your own healing & accepting and leave her be.. to work on healing herself - RESPECT.
    I'll respond to your questions in order so:

    1. It wasn't a trust thing I dont think, she always trusted me and knows I'm a great guy and great to and for her too.. but it was when she would feel love for me, her mind would go off like a trigger and she would remember how she felt back in 2017 due to the events that took place, and she would get very down and upset with herself, and me. Then she would snap out of it and focus on who I am today and fall in love with me. It was a stressful cycle that was slowly driving her crazy. In the midst of all of that, she had feelings for that guy, lets call him James, who she dated later in 2017 when she was clearly still not over me. They kept contact here and there as friends but it got more over last summer and after she left. She only ever saw James as a friend and always told me how what they had was "nothing" and she laughed at the idea of dating him again and said she would never go back to him. These 2 things together, I feel, she saw a way out of an unstable situation and into a stable one so she took that jump. She said she didn't jump from me to him, as these are feelings she had for him since last summer. Even though she was in love with me at the time and after she left too.

    2. I'm not being her emotional soundboard or a shoulder to cry on, we're talking as friends and having very chill, relaxed and positive conversations where I'm making her laugh a whole lot. It's not just consoling her if she feels down or anything, she has been feeling fine lately.

    3. Yes, I always believed she broke up bc her life got flipped so upside down back then, and she recognises this too, she just could not be in a relationship with anyone anymore for a long time (her words). I saw she was going through a terrible time so I left my feelings aside and decided to support her through that whole time. She ended up catching feelings for me again as she saw how much I cared for her and how supportive I was of her. She also caught feelings and fell in love bc there was no one else she felt so safe and comfortable around, but me. She told me 2 weeks before she ended things w me at the end of 2019 that I get her and she gets me and she's never been this way with anyone before, and no one gives her the familiarity, comfort, security and safe feeling she gets when she's with and around me. That's why I feel, by staying friends, it will allow her to slowly erase those past bad memories and instead replace them with current, positive memories of me supporting her, making her laugh and being the sweet guy I have always been to her. When she becomes less emotionally stable and find a routine in her life again (something she craves) then she will feel happier and more open to being in a relationship. Not with me specifically, but with anyone and that is why right now, is the best time to "invest" for when that time comes. I haven't been weak or needy, desperate toward her at all.We had a few days of long long talks start of this month but it died down and we've kept it chill ever since.

    4. So, this may just be my ego speaking, but I don't see her and James (the new guy - not his real name) working out... reason being is that they dated in 2017 and it didn't work out and I remember her telling me that she knows it didn't/won't work with them so it's not something she would even ever consider again. She even says they're not dating rn, bc she is abroad and will be for the next 6 months, but also bc she doesn't want to "jump into anything" so quickly and that they've only told they like each other and that's it.

    5. I think that ever since she ended things with me end of 2019, things have actually gotten better. She is more responsive, she laughs a lot with me, we text late night sometimes and she's open to calling me as well, which we haven't done yet but we will when I get free.

    Sometimes I do feel I was a rebound but she assures me I wasn't. She always had deep rooted feelings for me and was trying to ignore them and get past them by dating other guys. She was scared that she would end up hurt again if she went back to me (this was summer of 2018) but when things ended with her and the guy at the time, she said she always had intense feelings for me and she loved me all the time and it took her a year and a half to say it (ever since we met) but she did love me more than anyone ever has, even always thought about a future with me, having a family, house, etc. Even recently, she would be researching our graduate salaries and saying we will be rich and live in a huge house etc. This was in December, the month she ended things with me in

    I know that feelings fade, but love is something that is instilled in you. I know if I left tomorrow and never spoke to her again for the rest of my life, it would impact her in such ways that she would cry a lot and constantly feel pain as I am someone she values so much.

    I know this James guy is just a temporary thing, and I know since it is long distance, it probably won't last. My friends have all been in long distance relationships and only 1 of them has lasted, and that was bc they had been together since teenage years. The rest, were casual dating and new relationships which faced LDR and they ended up ending after a few months. Right now, at the very MOST, her and James are casually dating and over the next 6 months, I don't see her committing to something serious over text... Or committing to something without seeing him in person, which she wont until she's back in August. So I don't think it will last. Our relationship lasted 7 months and she was head over heels for me, so how will this last longer when she only likes him a little bit and doesn't even see him as her "Valentine" this year, and is unsure if she would want a relationship with him down the line.

    This girl has been very unpredictable. If I were to ask anyone in August 2018 when she friendzoned me bc she was seeing someone else, they would've told me to give up and move on and I've lost my chance. But after 3 weeks, the guy messed up, she felt trapped with him bc she had feelings for me, and jumped at the chance of ending things with that guy (he said he didn't want anything serious -- at that point in her life, she did)... Then she felt so free and happy to finally admit she loves me and be with me.

    It might be the wrong thing to say, but I used being "friends" as an advantage back then as I could see her and meet up with her - as a friend. I could talk to her a lot - as a friend. And I mainly joked and sent positive vibes her way, stopped talking about feelings completely and this made all the difference.

    This actually worked last year as well, I stopped talking about the breakup and feelings etc and just focused on making her laugh and having her feel happy, supporting her through rough times, and she eventually admitted she was deeply in love with me

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