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Thread: She used me but I want closure

  1. #1

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    She used me but I want closure

    Finding this site has been a godsend... Like seriously. So much great advice in here. Anyway, I couldn't really find a forum that matches my issue, but "Breaking Up Advice" seemed to be the closest.

    I'm 43, been married 24 years and separated almost 2 years, trying to work the divorce but my wife refuses to acknowledge my existence. We had plans to move from NC to MO for a new job I was offered, but when it came time to move she decided to move onto her mother's 36-acre farm. She has no living expenses and she's where she doesn't need me so she's decided we're done. Meanwhile I started my new job in a new state. She blocked me from social media and changed her phone number, etc. so she doesn't have to talk to me. I'd really like to know why she abruptly decided to leave, but I guess after so many years she saw a chance for her own life independent of me. Working the divorce is difficult to say the least.

    Last year I met a 39 year old woman, also divorcing, and we really hit it off. Like we're opposite-sex replicas of each other. I've never opened up to someone like her in my entire life. Then she had 3 friends die in a month and she relapsed on heroin. She pushed me away, later I found out because she was trying to kill herself by overdose. I say later because I reached back out to her after a couple months. I spent the next 5 months "helping" her to find a way to get clean (she lost her job, no health insurance, and denied state help). She tried for 2 months to get into the Methadone clinic but each time was denied due to doctor shortage. They only would take in 1 out of 10 patients seeking help each week. She finally gave up and bought her own Methadone from a friend and started her own detox. 2 weeks later she blew up on me, blocked me from her social media and asked I don't text or call her. That was Dec 30th, 2019. 45 days ago.

    I actually was relieved at first since I knew she was dragging me down mentally and emotionally. I sort of cut my losses and made the most of my life. I had a great 3 weeks of going out with friends, self care, etc. But I've just hit a wall last couple weeks where I keep thinking back at how well her and I connected. I shared so much with her. We'd talk on the phone for 3-5 hours a day (before and after her relapse). We'd text everyday. She was an awesome FB friend. I legitimately miss the hell out of her. She would tell me often how much she wanted to be with me and wanted to move up here and how special I was to her. But I always told her we couldn't have a relationship until she was clean, even if that took months or years. Then in her last text she accused me of being obsessed over her and that she could not be my friend because I wasn't capable of a friendship. Now I just feel anger that I was only used by her. I really just want some sort of closure. It's bad enough I'm embarrassed at myself for letting her get to me in the first place. I know getting so close to her was a bad idea, but for her to lie to me and block me out of all contact with her just hurts.

    Some points of interest:
    * We live 6-hours apart
    * We never slept together
    * We never dated, but did have a couple evenings out and shared one kiss, which was possibly the best kiss of my life
    * We have 2 mutual FB friends that are her friends, but they never ask me about her or what happened, despite the fact we've chatted often since then

    I haven't texted or called since that day on December 30th. I used to mail her cards and packages all the time, but haven't since that day. I know you can't be in a relationship with someone going through a detox. I really tried my best to be a good friend to her. I know I need to concentrate on getting my divorce behind me, but right now I have no one to confide in or vent to. That part really sucks.

    She also has a stuffed animal of mine from when I was 8 years old. I let her borrow it to help her sleep. She hasn't sent it back to me. I really would like to ask for it back but haven't. I want to reach out to her but haven't.

    Thanks for your time in reading this. Sorry it's such a long post.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You are most definitely right, you cannot be in any kind of a relationship with someone who has this serious of issues going on and hasn't done proper detox yet.
    As for "friends", you're fooling yourself there. You're not wanting a friend with this woman, you are too attracted to her for you not to stop hoping that it will turn into something more.
    She has stepped away and has even accused you of being obsessed. You need to listen to that so that you don't get harassment charges put against you. When people tell you they want to be left alone or feel you are going over the top, they mean it. Please don't make her prove it by getting the police involved.

    But yes, you need to focus on the divorce and to heal from that more so than anything else. You should consider seeing a therapist who will help you work through your emotions in dealing with not only the divorce but with this friend who has severe addiction problems. At the very least, you'll be venting to someone who can help you more on a one to one basis.

    I really am sorry you're going through this. It does sound difficult. But it won't last forever and your life is not over. You need to heal and move forward from both these women.
    They did not treat you right and they do not love you. Accept that. BUT that does not mean there isn't love for you down the road. It will come in time with the time is right.
    But I am sure you know, the time right now, is not right.

    I hope you do consider therapy. It will help. You're not alone. Many have gone through the same thing you're going through and have survived. It's tough but try to remember, this is only a chapter in your life and not the whole book. You can and will have better days down the road.

  3. #3
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    You are both right. You can't really be friends - you are obsessed with her in a way that she can't reciprocate. And, you can't really have the relationship you'd like to have with someone who is still an addict. For a time you were a balm to each other, a way to soothe during some painful moments in each others lives. As often happens, this soothing didn't last - and you will need to find a way to get deep into your own issues and find true healing. The best way to start doing that is to stop looking her up and stop contacting her. Her blocking you is a gift in disguise, though a painful one. Keep working and here's hoping you find a happier phase of your life after the divorce.

  4. #4

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    Yeah you are so right. I know I have a lot to work on and the entire time I was talking to that woman I couldn't help but think I was always happier with her out of my life. I guess I should have realized staying friendly with her after the many times she told me she wanted to be with me was not the correct choice. I should have seen that her obsession with me would turn into her accusing me of an obsession of her. When she told me I was obsessed with her I hadn't talked, messaged, or liked anything on her Facebook for the 5 days prior. Last I checked obsessive people usually at least try to make contact. But something set her off and when heroin is involved there really is no need for an explanation for acting a certain way.

    I just hate to be accused of something that clearly was the opposite. I'm better off in where I ended up with her, but not having that closure and not having an explanation is eating away at me.

    And thanks for the therapy advice! Been going regularly since August last year and it is a BIG help!

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  6. #5

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    Originally Posted by saluk
    You are both right. You can't really be friends - you are obsessed with her in a way that she can't reciprocate. And, you can't really have the relationship you'd like to have with someone who is still an addict. For a time you were a balm to each other, a way to soothe during some painful moments in each others lives. As often happens, this soothing didn't last - and you will need to find a way to get deep into your own issues and find true healing. The best way to start doing that is to stop looking her up and stop contacting her. Her blocking you is a gift in disguise, though a painful one. Keep working and here's hoping you find a happier phase of your life after the divorce.
    Yes, like I answered while you were posting I hadn't contacted her the 5 days prior to her telling me I was obsessed with her. I haven't texted or called since the day she asked me not to. I haven't even looked her up on social media. I just noticed the last thing she tagged me in disappeared and that was the clue that she blocked me.

    "Balm to each other" ... That's a powerful way to look at it. Thanks for that!

  7. #6

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    However dumb it was to let her borrow an important part of my childhood, I'd still like to ask for my stuffed animal back. But I'll let another month or so pass. I have to at least try to ask for it back. One day. But if it's a loss then it is what it is.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    when she says you are obsessed, it may not generally be your problem, it could be one way of them telling you to leave them. So basically its their issue.
    its good you have not contacted her again, sort yourself out of this divorce, focus on building a good life for yourself. Dont feel let down with what happened...keep moving forward.
    Good luck

  9. #8
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    I think this woman has triggered some serious pain over your ex-wife leaving you and dropping off the radar.

    I also think you got close to her because you were still dealing with emotional fallout from the end of your marriage and attached yourself to the first woman who came along and seemed to fill the void. That's likely also why it's so hard for you to let go - not because you were genuinely in love with her as a person, but because it felt great to not feel so alone. Scarcity and general loneliness can sometime really blur our vision and have us vastly over-valuing the sudden thrill of having someone in our lives. It's a risky venture. That's my armchair take on it, for what it's worth.

    If you would really like this childhood memento back, ask one of your mutual friends to retrieve it for you. Do not contact her directly.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    This situation makes it clear that you thought you were ready to date, but you're not. After my first marriage ended, I made dating mistakes as well, and now shake my head at my decisions at that time. Until you feel good about yourself, with a healthy self esteem, you will continue to choose inappropriate women.

    Continue with the therapy to get to that good place. Since you've moved to a new state, make a goal of making new guy friends and leave romance out of it for now. Try Meetup.com, to join activities where people are meeting up for hiking, or festivals, or kayaking, or book discussion groups. You'll just have to see what groups they have in your locale. You could also do volunteer work, since when you help others, it helps to not always be immersed in your own problems. And of course, finalize your divorce.

    Start making a must-have list and dealbreaker list and stick to it for when you're ready to date. I highly suggest having substance abuse as a dealbreaker, and to stick to dating within a 45 minute drive to your house. It's so much more enjoyable to get together with a companion several times a week than mostly being in a cyberspace relationship that is more fantasy than reality.

    Good luck while you move forward to chapter two of your life.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Just see where you went wrong, that's all you can do. Investing way too much, investing in the wrong person, white night syndrome, filling a void of loneliness, not stopping when you should have, neglecting the red flags, not taking your own mental health into consideration, giving giving and caring, not getting much back, etc.

    She may or may not have "used you", the thing is, an addicted person doesn't think the way we do. They can only see getting high, they have no coping skills so they rely on others. And sometimes when we think we are doing the right thing, we end up being enablers.

    Just close this chapter, and move on.


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