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Thread: I fell in love with a heroin addict. Will she ever wake up?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2014

    I fell in love with a heroin addict. Will she ever wake up?

    Story is long but I need to get it off my chest and put it somewhere (tried to write it like a screenplay)
    If you decide to read it I'm sure you won't be surprised but I promise you it's a doozy.
    If anything, I hope this inspires someone involved in a similar situation to cut the chord loose much earlier than I did.
    This was an 8 month relationship that ended two weeks ago.


    Date 1: Go back to her house. Sleep with her first night.

    Date 2:
    Her: I" need to be upfront with you. I'm trying to get off of Oxycontin."
    Me: "I appreciate your honesty. If you can get clean it's fine (mistake) but I can't be in a relationship with an addict."

    I notice track marks on her arm and self harm scars all over her left arm.

    I stay with her as she's going through Oxy withdrawals. (mistake)
    She starts taking Valium to try to ease withdrawel symptoms.
    Her father is addicted to pain medication. She admits to getting it from him sometimes and from a guy friend.

    A month later:
    Down to a quarter tab of Valium. No oxy.
    I fly out of state for work trip.
    I look on her public Instagram comments and she's inviting "an old friend of her deceased cousins" to come over and check out her new place - tells him she lives alone - and made plans to go to the museum (that I took her to on our first date).
    Me: "?"
    Her: "What's wrong?"
    I explain why it's wrong.
    Her: "I understand. I don't want to do anything or associate with anyone that would make you feel uncomfortable. It was just an old friend of my cousins."
    She blocks him online.

    Next day:
    Her: "Hey check out these old drawings I made. What do you think of them?"
    One was a drawing of her making out with an ex boyfriend.
    Me: "Why would you send me this?"
    Her: "It's just a drawing."
    Me: "So if I sent you a drawing of me making out with my ex you'd be cool with that?"
    Her: "I understand. Sorry. I love u (oops) sorry." (Hangs up the phone)
    I text her back: "I heard that."

    I come back from work trip.
    She tells me she loves me. I tell her I love her too. (mistake)
    She calls me one day: "I relapsed."
    Me: "Goodbye." (good move)

    Father calls us both on a three way call.
    Me: "I'm sorry but I can't be with your daughter."
    Father: "I understand. She needs rehab."
    Her: "Im so sorry (crying).
    Father: "You just need to focus on work right now. There'll be other guys."

    Two days later:
    She calls.
    Her: "Im sorry. I love you and want to fix this. I'm giving notice to my job that I'll be going to rehab."
    She quits job and puts herself on a waiting list for a private in-house faith based rehab.
    Me: "I need to know what else you lied about."
    Her: "The guy I stopped to get weed from one day when you were waiting in the car gave me valium. I never told you that."
    Me: "What else?"
    Her: "Nothing. I'll give you all my social media passwords."
    I go on her Facebook. Read chat of her inviting a guy over to her house.
    Me: "Who's Tom?"
    Her: "I don't know a Tom."
    I show her the chat.
    Her: "Ohhhh...It was a guy I was sort of seeing right before I met you. He moved around the time I met you. He was in town, reached out and wanted to come over and I said ok but with the intent to tell him in person that I met you. He came over, talked for a bit then he left."
    I contact the guy and his story matched hers (sort of):
    Him: "She was messed up when I came over. She told me about you. I was devastated. She was real sick like she was going through withdrawals. She asked me to rub her feet. I did. I tried to help her get to her bed. She said no. I left. Nothing more happened."

    I tell her you left out the part about him rubbing your feet and showed her the chat.
    Her: "Huh?"
    Me: "Why would he lie?"
    Her: (crying) I must have been so messed up. It makes me think of all the years on this stuff not knowing what I'm doing or what other people are doing to me. It's so scary. I'll never do it again."

    Me: "Anything else I should know about?"
    Her: "Here's screenshots of all my phone chats. Instagram chats etc."

    I see a screenshot of a guy asking her out for a drink.
    Me: "What's this? How'd this guy get your number?"
    Her: "It was one of my cousins friends (again) I ran into while I was out."
    Me: "Why would you give your number to a guy?"
    Her: "It was right after you broke it off with me. We weren't together."
    Me: "Moved on that fast huh?"

    She then goes on to tell me her doctor molested her and her sister when she was a small child.
    Her mother slept through her entire childhood and her dad worked all the time.
    She rebelled in school and got caught up into heroin at 19 from a roommate in college in which she dropped out of.

    3 weeks later: I show up to her house unannounced with an extensive drug test.
    She takes it in front of me. Passes all of it. No oxy, valium, weed etc.
    Her: "I also plan on getting a vape to ween myself off cigarettes. I'm going to NA meetings, church, got a sponsor and I also got a number for a therapist I heard is really good. As long as I stick to the plan and go to therapy consistently I can face these things inside of me that led me to turn to drugs in the first place."

    I'm impressed. I move in with her. (mistake)
    She stays clean. She starts going to therapy.
    She has insomnia now. Can't sleep.
    She moves around in bed all night, gets up and down, restless leg syndrome etc.
    (Almost as if she's going through withdrawals still constantly.)
    After the third night of not sleeping, I get agitated.
    Me: "Why don't you go in the other room? I'm never going to sleep like this."
    She gets upset.
    I apologize for being insensitive and rude.
    Me: "I dont mind sleeping in the other room if you can't sleep. If I find myself not being able to sleep I'll move. It's ok."

    The next week it continues. I get up to go to the other room. She gets upset.
    Next night I wake up from her fidgeting. She huffs and puffs, aggressively grabs her pillow and goes to the other room.
    Me: "Why are you mad at me?"
    Her: (ignores and walks out)

    This pattern continues for a week. She just continues to get mad at me if I wake up. All it takes is for her to see im awake and she flips out.

    Therapy session (I go with her this time):
    Therapist says she's operating defensively in the relationship and I'm impatient with her at times.

    We go home feeling good about being able to pinpoint our problems.

    I get a two month job offer out of state. I fly out.
    She tells me she's staying straight, is so in love with me and misses me dearly.
    She said she finally got a vape, is quitting cigarettes today and smoking the last one right now. Will never have a single one ever again.

    Her (10:30pm): "I'm going over to my dads to pick up some bacon."
    Video chat (11pm - she's laying on her bed)
    Me: "Turn camera around to your nightstand."
    Her: "Why?"
    Me: "Just do it real quick."
    She turns camera around. Pack of cigarettes sitting on nightstand.
    Me: "Why do you lie?"
    Her: "I didn't. I said today was the last day."
    Me: "You said you were smoking your last one earlier."
    Her: "Im sorry. I just figured it was the last day."
    Me: "Where'd you get the cigarettes?"
    Her: "My father."
    Me: "You said you were getting bacon. You lied."
    Her: "Now you're making me feel bad."
    Me: "How do you think I feel? I can't trust you. And why is your father enabling your habits?"
    Me: "What else is he giving you?"
    Her: "He gave me a bag of weed brownies to sleep."
    Me: "Does he understand he's getting in the way of his own daughters recovery?"
    Her: "...."

    She eventually apologizes.

    Next day:
    Her: "I think I ate too much of the brownie."
    Me: "How much did you eat?"
    Her: "A whole one."

    I contact father.
    Me: "She's telling me you gave her weed brownies."
    Father: "Yes to help her sleep. I told her to take a quarter of it. They are strong."
    Me: "She ate a whole one."
    Father: "What? s*** I shouldn't have given her any in the first place."
    Me: "She shouldn't be having any weed brownies in the first place."

    He calls me.
    Father: "You're right I shouldn't be giving her anything. I used to be an addict myself (He's still addicted to Valium) It's very difficult to go cold turkey with everything, I figure weed isn't as bad and can help her with her insomnia but she doesn't have enough self control to take the proper dose so I'll stop giving her anything."

    Two days later:
    I fall asleep early.
    She can't get a hold of me.
    I wake up next morning.
    A string of texts.
    She drank a bottle of wine and tried to contact my friends asking where I was.
    Me: "Why did you drink a bottle of wine and go off the rails like that?"
    Her: "My dad got it for me a while ago. I was worried about you and couldn't cope."
    Me: "Ugh. Stop drinking the whole bottle. Just have a glass or two here and there, jeez."

    I tell her she should come out and visit and get away from her environment.
    Her: I'd love to but I should really be looking for a job."
    Me: "Take a vacation and you can search for a job when you get back."
    I buy her a plane ticket.

    [In the meantime, she writes me some of the most beautiful words anyone has ever wrote me about how in love she is with me, wants marriage, kids, will never let me down, never lie, etc.]

    She flies out.

    My boss keeps handing us drinks one night.
    I don't want to be controlling so I don't tell her to stop (mistake) but well aware I'm going to have to babysit. My boss starts telling a story.
    She sits on the arm of the couch next to her with her feet on the couch.
    I tell her in front of everyone to get your feet off their couch.
    She swiftly sits down.

    My boss texts me:
    "She's lovely but I think you should take her home now."

    We leave.

    Her: "I want to go to the bar."
    Me: "You had like 5 drinks already. Let's stay in and listen to music."
    Her: "Ugh."
    Me: "Youre mad now?"

    We're staying at my friends apartment. He's not there. She walks to the freezer and tries to open a bottle of his Tequila. I take it out of her hand.

    Me: "Come on. Stop it."
    She walks over to the window and spits onto the public street below. We are downtown in a major city.

    At this point I tell her why we left my boss's (Mistake.)
    Now it gets ugly.
    Her: "f*** him."
    She threatens to leave and go to the bar herself.
    I tell her to stop, I walk in front of her and she slaps me across the face.
    I tell her I should dump your purse onto the street right now.
    Instead I dump it all into the garbage.
    Her: "I want to go home."
    I apologize.
    Me: "We're both getting out of hand. Let's just sleep it off and talk this out tomorrow."
    Her: "No. I want to leave."
    She pretends to book her flight.
    I go to bed.
    We wake up and I talk it out with her. She apologizes for how she acted.

    Two days later:
    I have to sit with boss to work all day. She decides to go grocery shopping and go to the library.
    She wears a very short black skirt. She never wears anything like that. She always dresses conservative.
    Me: "You sure you want to walk downtown like that?"
    Her: "It's not short."
    Me: "It's an inch from your ass."
    Her: "Ugh ok I'll change."

    Later on that night.

    Me: "What was up with the whole dress thing?"
    Her: "I was trying to make you jealous."

    Work is done. We fly home.

    She starts looking for a job.
    Sister (who has Borderline Personality Disorder) offers to help her with a computer program she's trying to learn related to her career.
    She wants her to go and stay out of town with her at a hotel while she goes to a work conference. In her off time she'll help her with the program.
    Me: "Are you sure she's actually going to help you? She doesn't seem to do anything she says she's going to do."
    Her (upset): She will. I'm going. Why do you need to be negative?"
    Me: "I'm looking out for you so you don't waste your time."

    She goes.
    Calls me next day.
    Her: "She lied. She's not helping me with anything. She just lays in bed when she's done or goes out."
    Me: "Told you."
    Her: "You're right. She just didn't want to be alone."
    Me: "I'm coming to get you."

    I drive out, pick her up (she had a few drinks at the bar that she told me about. I didn't care.) and show her a nice time. Went out dancing etc. I have a few drinks but start drinking water.
    She keeps ordering beer. 4 more.
    Me: "Why do you always need to keep drinking?"
    Her: "You always have a problem with me."

    I take her beer put it down, take her hand and pull her to the dance floor. She's happy now.
    Me: "See you don't need drinks to have fun all the time?"

    Driving home in my dad's van. She starts to climb into the back.
    Me: "What are you doing?"
    Her: "I have to pee"
    She has a bottle in her hand and she starts unbuttoning her pants.
    Me: "What? No! Come back up here. Why would you just take liberty to do that? Especially in my dads van."
    Her: "I have to pee!"
    Me: "Why wouldn't you ask to pull off at the rest stop first?"
    Her: "You don't have to make me feel bad about it. You act like it's that abnormal."
    Me: "Yes it is. What girl just does that out of the blue? It's not even my car!"
    Her: "We always did that if we were on a long ride"
    Me: "I could see if it was an emergency. But you didn't ask or anything?"

    I pull off to gas station. She's pissed. Doesn't talk to me whole ride home.
    I try to mend things and talk it out but stonewalling, silent treatment, resistance to resolution or admitting to or talking about any fault/mistake of her own was like pulling teeth.
    Sweeping things under the rug was her forte.

    The only thing on my mind is "she's off heroin, that's the main thing. As long as she keeps off the drugs, with time she'll slowly mature. Be patient, you love this girl."

    A week later at dinner:
    Vape juice falls out of her purse on the table.
    Me: "I thought you were lowering your dose. It's higher."
    Her: "They didn't have the lower dose."
    Me: "So why'd you buy it? Go somewhere else."
    Her: "I had my dad go get it for me. He just ended up buying the higher dose. What was I supposed to do?"
    Me: "Why is he buying this stuff for you anyway?"
    Her: ...
    Me: "Why do you let me find things out this way instead of being upfront with me and telling me? What else are you holding back from me?"
    Her: "I ran into my friend Mark."
    Me: "The guy who you sold you Valium while I waited in the car?"
    Her: "Yea."
    Me: "And...?"
    Her: "He's happy I'm clean."
    Me: "Let me guess, you got his number..."
    Her: "Yes"
    Me: "Goodbye."
    Her: "What!? I did nothing wrong!"
    Me: "Goodbye."

    I pack my stuff and leave. I get a hotel.
    I get a message from her father saying that she drove two hours to my parents house and is waiting outside because she thinks that's where I went.
    Me: "Tell her to leave"
    He does.
    I end up driving down to parents.
    She ends up seeing me on the highway, turns around and follows me to my parents.
    I walk in the house, my parents stop her.
    I go out to talk to her.
    Her: "I've been so selfish, what I did was wrong, I know what I need to do. I can be a good woman for you. I need to stop being so damn selfish."
    Me: "We need some time apart."
    She leaves.

    Next day:
    She pleads more on the phone.
    Me: "Do your parents realize you have these issues? Nobody seems to care about your recovery."
    Her: "I plan to have a talk with my parents."

    Next day:
    Her: "Told my parents how much I love you and how much you are helping me stay straight. Told my mother she never even seemed happy or acknowledge when I got clean and asked why?"
    Me: "What'd she say?"
    Her: "She said 'You never should of done any of those drugs to begin with.' She didn't even care. Dad seemed a bit more receptive to your efforts."
    Me: "I want someone whose values match their actions. You're always preaching the gospel to me but you never go to church or follow what you say."
    Her: "I can be that woman for you. Let's start going to church."

    I go back. (mistake)

    We start going to church every Sunday.
    She gets a job waitressing.
    Stops going to therapy.
    Day 2 someone steals her tips. Manager does nothing. She quits.
    It's the only place that plays music so she keeps wanting to go there even after quitting.
    Me: "Why would you want to give money to a place that robbed you?"
    Her: "I don't even care about that I just want to watch some live music"

    We go. (mistake)

    Bartenders see her and take forever to serve us.
    She starts to get pissed.
    I get her away from the bar and we sit at a table and watch the show.
    She has 3 drinks, I have two then a water.
    Band takes a break.
    Me: "Let's get some beer and go back to the house."
    Her: "I want to stay and watch the rest."
    Me: "Ok but you know the bartenders are going to give you a hard time"
    Her: "I dont care about them"
    Me: "I don't get it."
    Her: "Fine lets go."

    Now she's mad, walks all fast out of the bar.

    I try to explain to her they are going to be rude to us and the more you drink the more upset about it you will get.

    Her: "I just want one more drink. I wont cause a scene I promise"
    Me: "Ok lets go back in. I promise you they won't serve us and we look like idiots"

    We go back in.
    They ignore us.
    She starts yelling at the bartenders.
    Climbs up the bar and opens the beer taps so they flow out.
    I get her out of there.
    I calm her down and tell her to not let them ruin our night.
    Me: "When we get back to the house, I dont want to hear you even mention them or that place tonight. Lets just hang out and chill."
    She agrees, apologizes, cools off and we have a nice night.

    A week later (she's out of work):
    She's acting like she woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
    Very snippy and distant all of a sudden.
    Me (all day): "What is up with you today?"
    Her: "Nothing's wrong."

    8 hours later:
    Her (out of the blue; in a real nasty tone) "You think you'd offer to pay more for the rent and groceries since I'm not working. I cook for you and clean and you just want to do everything down the middle. ?"
    Me: "So instead of making an attempt to sit down and talk with me about what's on your mind like an adult, you pout all day and pretend nothings wrong like a child? If you actually talked to me about it you'd find out I was going to offer to contribute more if not all to rent and groceries until you got a job but instead you just want to be an a**h*** about it. Why don't you apologize?"
    Her: "No."

    I got so fed up I had a bowl of food in my hand and threw it right onto the table. Smashed into a million pieces and severed my hand. (instant regret)

    She helped me clean it and I went to the hospital to get stitches.

    Her: "Im using this as an opportunity to tell you you need to go to therapy."
    (In my head I'm like... "says the girl who stopped going to therapy who needs it more than anyone.")
    Me: "Yea I need to find a way to control my anger. I shouldn't lash out like that."

    I get stitched up.

    Next morning:
    Her: "I had a dream we were in a bathtub and we were face down under the water. My little neice came in and said 'That's dangerous'. I think it means our relationship is dangerous and toxic."
    Me: "We just need to communicate better. We can solve this. Let's start going to therapy again."

    We get ready for church.
    Me: "I think I'm getting the flu. I feel it in my head and throat."
    Her: "Hm."

    We go to church.
    I'm coughing.
    We go to lunch after with her grandparents.
    (The grandmother is the only one who constantly tells me to keep an eye on her and that I need to not let her get away with anything. She seems to be the only one in the family who acknowledges how troubled she is.)
    Grandmother: "You sound terrible."
    Me: "Im definitely getting sick."
    I start noticing my girlfriend isn't acknowledging it weirdly.

    We go to her parents after. I'm struggling. She's helping her mom and I'm watching TV with her dad. It's getting close to dinner time.
    Her: "We better head back soon if we're going to make it to night church."
    Me: "Night church?"
    Her: "Yea."
    Me: "I didn't know we were going to that."
    Her: "I talked to my grandmother earlier about it."
    Me: "Oh ok I didn't know anything about it."

    We leave. I'm confused.
    We get back to the house.

    Me: "How come you never asked me if I was feeling up to going tonight or even talking to me about it?"
    Her: "You were standing next to us when we were talking about after church?"
    Me: "Ok I didn't hear you guys and why wouldn't you ask me if I'm feeling up to going tonight when you knew I was sick"
    Her: "You don't seem sick right now."
    Me: "..."
    Her: "Oh now you're mad again. I've been wanting to go to night church for a while now. It's something I want to do."
    Me: "Ok you could be nice about it though."

    She leaves.

    I check my temperature I'm at 104.
    The next week I'm pretty much bed ridden. She takes care of me.
    She stays with me all week, only leaves to visit parents and go to night church.
    I dont get any sleep. I'm coughing all night.
    She's really patient with me and I tell her I appreciate the hell out of her.
    My uncle passes.

    She has a job interview.
    She misses it because she got the time wrong.
    She reschedules it for the day before the funeral.
    We plan to stay at my parents night before the funeral so the plan was to take her to her interview on the way to my parents.

    Day of interview:
    I'm coughing up a lung still and feel terrible.
    I tell her to make sure she has everything she needs.
    I'm spacing out while driving and nearly rear end a guy.
    Me: "Sorry I feel awful."
    Her: "He kept breaking. It's not your fault."
    Me: "Yea but I probably shouldn't be driving."
    She says nothing.

    We get to interview, she forgets her SS card.
    Her: "We might as well just leave now and forget it."
    Me: "You might be ok, I wouldn't sweat it."
    She's quiet now and agitated.
    Her: "Well I better go and see what happens."
    Me: "Good luck babe."
    She says nothing and sort of slams the door hard.

    Her interview goes on for 3 hours.
    Her (via text): "Hey sorry its taking so long they are showing us around the property and giving us a lecture."
    Me: "It's ok. I'm just napping."
    Her: "I totally owe you for this. Thanks for being patient babe."
    She gets out. Feels good about it.
    Never asks how I'm feeling but whatever.

    We stop at convenient store.
    Her: "Can you buy me this water and chips?"
    Me: "What happened to you owe me one (being playful)"
    Her: "Lol. Ok I got these babe"
    Me: "I wish I could get candy but I don't think any of this stuff would be good on my throat."
    Her: "Why don't you get sour patch kids?"
    Me: "I'm sick babe. I just said I can't have any candy like this."
    Her: "Ok well don't act like I don't know you're sick. Why don't you stop acting like a ?"
    Me: "What? Don't ever call me that. We're in public!"

    She storms to the register and pays. Walks to the car. It's locked.

    Me: "You know that was uncalled for. You should apologize for calling me that."
    Her: "Open the door."
    Me: "No."

    She then proceeds to walk onto the highway and leave.
    I just let her go.
    She comes back.
    I'm in the car, she gets in.

    Me: "Why can't you apologize for that?"
    Her: "You were being a you apologize."
    Me: "You called me a in front of everyone. Come on!"
    Her: "Well maybe I shouldn't have said that."
    Me: "So apologize."
    Her: "..."

    Her dad calls.

    Her (to her dad): "Im not taking anymore of this abuse. Dad can you come pick me up?"
    Me: "Wow..."

    I get all her stuff out of the car, put it in front of the store and drive off. 5 minutes up the road I turn around. I can't leave her in front of a store an hour away in some strange town.

    I go back.

    Me: "Im sorry I over reacted. Let's just go to my parents."
    Her: "I dont know what I want to do. You should just go. My dads already coming"
    Me: "Tell him to go back. Lets work it out."

    I grab her stuff and put it back in the car. She gets in.
    Her mother calls. She wants to talk to me.

    Her mother: "Don't you ever leave my daughter in some strange town again. And if you ever put your hands on her I'll come after you."

    Me (to my girlfriend): "Well your mom hates me and thinks I might be hitting you now. Jesus I can't win."
    Her: "Don't worry about her."

    She's quiet most of the ride.

    Me: "Do you really want to be with me?"
    Her: "..."
    Me: "Well that says everything."
    Me: "Do you love me."
    She nods her head yes.

    We chat a bit but things are kind of distant until we get to my parents.
    We both act like nothing is wrong until we get alone and she gives me a frowny face comes up to me and hugs me.
    Me: "We both need to calm down"
    Her: "What did I do?"
    Me: "You shouldn't have walked into traffic like that."
    Her: "You want me to apologize when you didn't let me in the car?"
    Me: "See? Now we're going to argue again. We both acted out wrong. Let's just admit it."
    Her: "You're right."

    We mend things. (for now)

    I'm still coughing up a lung.
    My hands still messed up so I rewrap my hand.
    Me: "How's it look?
    Her: "Looks pretty good!"
    She then for some reason I'll never know smacks my hand pretty hard.
    I'm in pain.
    Me: "Why would you do that?"
    She laughs - "Oh s***, sorry lol"
    Me: "Why is that funny I dont know why you'd do that?"

    I go into the bathroom and one of my stitches came out. I shower.
    I come back to the room and she's all chipper about making the bed.
    Her: "How's it look?"
    Me: "Nice but my hand is killing me and my stitch came out. I still don't know why you did that?"
    Her (upset): "You f***ing hate me. You always have a problem with me."
    Me: "..and your problem with me is my reactions to your oddball behavior."

    We go to bed. She's crying. I'm coughing up a lung.

    Next morning:
    She sits next to me in the bed with a cup of coffee.
    Her: "Here want some coffee?"
    Me: "Sure. Thank you."
    Her: "So I wanted to come in to let you know that I'm going home. I decided to have my father pick me up."
    Me: "? Why?"
    Her: "You didn't even console me last night while I was crying. You have major issues with me and I think we need time apart. You should stay here and get better."
    Me (pissed): "You dont even make an attempt to talk to me to work anything out. Why don't you ever do that? You're just gonna leave?"

    My parents overhear.
    She walks outside to wait for her dad.

    Me (to my parents): "Can you believe this? She's just gonna leave."

    I get so mad I start going in on her and her family.

    Me: "They're so effin backwards. It's like upside down land down there. Her parents give her pills. Everyone's all pilled up. No guidance. No solutions. No one cares. Just run away, escape, numb etc. They're all hillbillies out there."

    She overhears this and leaves.

    She calls me the next day.
    Her: "I don't think this is going to work. You insulted my family. We're too different. We're not good for each other etc."
    Me: "You want to break up with me now? After all I've put up with and all the second chances I've given you?"
    Her: "You get way too upset with me. It's toxic"
    Me: "Ok then."

    She hangs up.
    I text her that night.
    Me: "Why can't we just work this out, continue therapy and learn how to communicate better?"

    She calls me at 4am (she had drank an entire bottle of wine)
    Her: "Why are you so mean?"
    Me: "I get so frustrated with you. You don't realize the things you do."

    We work it out. I convince her to let's try again. She was reluctant but agreed.
    I spend two more days with my family and then drive out.
    During my drive I send her a song about how we both scarred each other but it's all worth it to keep working on each other.
    She responds with a song that says 'the storm is coming. it's not here yet but it's inevitable.'

    It's as if she's already anticipating problems.

    I stop at the store get her chocolates and a card.
    I get to the house and she greets me with half a hug.
    She sits down in the living room and doesn't seem too happy.
    I give her the card and chocolate. She puts it down.
    Her: "I don't want to hurt you."
    Me: "Look I don't expect you to jump in my arms and be all warm and happy with me. But I think this relationship deserves another chance and to give each other time to warm up."
    Her: "I just don't know if I can get over what you said about my family."
    Me: "I don't mean it. I was angry with you leaving. Im sorry. Plus, you've done some awful things too that I gave you a second chance for. It wasn't easy but I never give up. Let's just grab some food, chill and let things play out naturally."

    She agrees.

    Over the next few days she warms up and everything seems to be going good. Two weeks, no arguing. No weird behavior on her part. We started getting along great. It started to feel like she was becoming more aware of her behaviors and was really trying to make a good run at this.

    2 hour drive to my parents. 30 minutes into the drive...
    Her: "I forgot the food!"
    Me: "What? How? Ugh."

    She gets upset with me.

    Me: "Sorry. It's not a big deal. We both forgot about it really."

    She shuts down. 15 minutes of silence. She starts crying.

    Me: "Why are you crying?"
    Her: "It's not you. It's me."
    Me: "It's not a big deal we are half way there."


    We get to the house.

    Her: "Maybe if I wasn't such a burnout I'd actually remember things."

    I give her a big hug and look her in the eyes.
    Me: "Stop it. We both forgot the food. Plus, we left the cat outside. He needs to go in. It's a blessing."

    She feels better now.

    Thanksgiving was great. She had a few drinks at dinner but was fine.
    We head home 2 hours back.
    I play Phil Collins - "Against All Odds" for her.
    A love song that basically says 'You know me better than anyone. How could I be with anyone else?'

    Her: "Here's my response to your song..."
    She plays Genesis (Phil Collins) - "In Too Deep"
    Lyrics: "I love you but I can't take anymore."

    Me: "Well that was sad..."
    Her: "It's only a song."
    Then she pats me on the shoulder.
    Me: "I don't know. Seems to be some truth to that. Why would you choose that one?"

    Now she gets defensive.

    Her: "It's just a song. You're so sensitive."

    Silent treatment for 15 minutes.
    Then she puts a different song on that talks about how "I'm the one and only and I love you more than anything."
    She puts her head on my shoulder and we make it home.
    I'm more confused then ever.

    And now the finale...

    She had training for her new job two hours away on Monday morning.
    She decided to stay in a hotel close by Sunday night so she could just wake up and go.
    Before she leaves she makes me dinner and is all chipper and nice.

    Me: "Why are you so nice to me right now (joking)"
    Her: "Because you're always so nice to me. I love you."
    Her: "Do you want to stay at the hotel with me tomorrow?"
    Me: "If I can finish up my work tonight yea!"
    Her: "Oh yay!"

    The day comes and I can't go.

    Her: "Oh its ok babe. I'll call you when I get there."

    She gets to town safe. She calls me a few times saying she misses me and she's going to grab food.
    I don't hear from her for a while after that.

    I text her: "Whatcha up to babe?"
    (no response)
    I call her.
    (no response)
    10 minutes later...
    Her (text): I went down to the bar to have a drink. Call you in a minute.
    30 minutes pass.
    Me (text): You free to chat?
    (no response)
    I call her. She picks up.
    Her (slurring): "Hey Im chatting to the bartender. I'll call you in a few."
    Me: "The bartender?"
    Her: "Is that a problem?"
    Me: "Not really. I don't know. Is it a guy? I just don't know why you wouldn't pick up the phone."
    Her: "It's a girl! And I texted you."
    Me: "Yea and you never called back."
    Her: "Oh just move out and forget the relationship. You can't live without controlling me."
    Me: "What? Everything has been so good since I got back."
    Her: "Yea because I submit to you and bend for you."
    Me: "What do I even ask you to do?"
    Her: "...."
    Me: "You can't even say one thing."
    Me: "Ive been with you through your darkest time, helped you get clean, supported you and believed in you when no one else did. Now you want to throw it all away because I bothered you while you're at the bar?"
    Her: "It's all me right? I'm always the problem."

    I pleaded she was over reacting. Then I just said fine I'll do as you please. I packed up and left.

    A full week goes by and radio silence.

    She texts my mother: "He broke up with me."
    Mom (to her): "You guys need to talk it out. I thought you both said you smoothed things out. You're just done with him now?"
    Her: "We don't need a mediator, we need a therapist to figure this out. I'm not going to solve this talking to you."
    Mom (to her): "You told him to move out and forget the relationship. That was you right?"
    Her: "I shouldn't have said that."
    Mom: "If you shouldn't have said that then you should take responsibility for your words and convey this to him."

    She calls me the next day.
    Her: "This is never going to work out. You're too controlling and you have a bad temper. I'm sorry. I need to focus on myself."
    Me: "What happened to 'I'll never leave you, we can work through anything" and all the bible verses you quote about staying together and working things out?
    Her: "Sorry. Maybe one day I'll become a better Christian."

    That was it. Never heard from her again. Until her dad texts me out of the blue.
    Her Dad: "Did you call me and my family inbred hicks?"
    Me: "No. But I saved your daughters life, helped her get clean, believed in her when no one else did, and pointed her in the direction for her to become the best version of her self she can be all while being more loyal and forgiving than any man could possibly be in this situation."
    Her Dad: "Well maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved. Time tends to heal and calm things down. That's my advice. Thanks for setting my daughter straight. Everything after that is between both of you."

    That was it. Two weeks have passed. Never heard from her again.

    I get a text from her Dad out of the blue two days after.
    Her Dad: "Did you call me and my family inbred white trash?"
    Me: "No. But I did save your daughters life, believed in her when no one else did, helped her believe in her self, and treated her better than any man ever has or ever will.
    Her Dad: "Well I appreciate you for setting her straight. Everything beyond that is between you two. I shouldn't have gotten involved."

    It seems she was telling everyone I broke up with her and that I was badmouthing her family as a way to take responsibility for breaking up with me off her plate.

    In the end, there's a part of me that worries she will slip right back down into the dark hole she was in when I met her. I know its not my problem anymore but man when you get that deeply involved with someone so troubled it's hard to not care about what might happen to them.

    What I learned about myself is that I latch onto wounded girls because of my relationship with my mother. My mother and father always had conflict. So I would always tend to my mom to comfort her. As I got older, I always grew a softspot for girls who conveyed to me they had issues they were dealing with. I know now I can't fix them, I now know I need to choose more wisely. But man, I had to learn that the hard way. At the end of the day, I'm glad I know better now.

    Part of me still wonders if she will ever wake up and realize what she had in me. I was her only true ally. Will she ever see that she was the actual problem the whole time?

    Thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    If you can shorten that buddy ..just quick outline of ages , how long together and the problem ..( well obviously heroin) ..

    You will get more replies .

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Have you considered therapy for your co dependency?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    I will tell you this...anyone working on their sobriety from drugs, alcohol, and mental health issues cannot be in a relaitonship. It interferes with their recovery because it's a distraction. If she is actually going through therapy, they would have told her this.
    Staying out of relationships helps them keep focused on themselves and not have to deal with outsider problems. She has a long tough road ahead of her, and being with you isn't helping her one bit. She ain't got the time or the energy to fulfill your needs.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Just pick better people next time for partners. You can't change everyone to your liking and there's something wrong about that too (morally wrong). You're not her social worker either. Pick yourself up off the ground and take a better look at yourself and why you find people like this alluring or enticing in relationships.

    You also need to work on your temper and anger management. Throwing a bowl and shattering it isn't going to help. Taking her things out of the car while you're in a strange or unfamiliar town and dumping her there while you drive off in a fit of rage also isn't going to help anyone think kindly of you. Sure, you went back but in the time it took for you to turn the car around she already called her parents and they were worried sick over her.

    Take a time out and don't force this thing anymore. It's over. Work on you and heal. If you're also doing drugs, check into rehab or find a program that helps you get out of that cycle. Don't repeat the same mistakes.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    I agree with, Smackie. She needs help to recover, being in a relationship is only going to complicate her life right now.

    She needs to remain single and to heal with proper help.

    Read up on enabling as well, it sounds as though you were possibly falling into those kinds of patterns.

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    I wish I had read up on dating someone in recovery. She did hint at me early on when she started to get clean that they recommend a year before getting in relationships and that she really shouldn't be in one but didn't want to lose me. I was so naive about everything. Even how hard it is to overcome opioid addiction. I knew nothing about it. She was actually surprised that I took the news that she was on it initially so well. This was a huge learning experience for me.

  9. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Just pick better people next time for partners. You can't change everyone to your liking and there's something wrong about that too (morally wrong). You're not her social worker either.
    You're right. I wish I had educated myself more of what getting involved in with an addict entailed. I'm not typically a hothead. I think it was the frustration built up over time of the constant dysfunctional behavior. My expectations of the relationship was unrealistic. I should have never got involved.

  10. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I agree with, Smackie. She needs help to recover, being in a relationship is only going to complicate her life right now.

    She needs to remain single and to heal with proper help.

    Read up on enabling as well, it sounds as though you were possibly falling into those kinds of patterns.

    What I don't understand is, in the end, why couldn't she just convey that to me instead of making me out to be everything that was wrong with the relationship? Her final words were:

    "This will never work. You're too controlling and have a temper. I need to focus on me."
    Then contradicted herself with "Who knows? Maybe in the future we can get back together."

    It's like she's hot, then cold, hot, then cold. It seems like she's mixed up and doesn't know what she wants or that she even has issues she needs to address.
    I can't figure her out for the life of me.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Originally Posted by aaforever
    What I don't understand is, in the end, why couldn't she just convey that to me instead of making me out to be everything that was wrong with the relationship? Her final words were:

    "This will never work. You're too controlling and have a temper. I need to focus on me."
    Then contradicted herself with "Who knows? Maybe in the future we can get back together."

    It's like she's hot, then cold, hot, then cold. It seems like she's mixed up and doesn't know what she wants or that she even has issues she needs to address.
    I can't figure her out for the life of me.
    I think you're better off going to an art gallery and musing at the oddball paintings with one round dot and a line for example. At least you'll get to learn about a few other things there. This person needs help. Don't make her your focal point.

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