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Thread: Help. Should I still wait or move on?

  1. #1
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    Help. Should I still wait or move on?

    This will be a long story so please take time to read it through. I just thought I need a brief summary of our relationship so I could have a tailored advice from all of you. I badly need help as i couldn’t seem to move on. I got dumped after more than a year of dating.

    Here it goes.

    Our relationship started differently as we lived together during the first six months of our relationship, he was jobless that time and i supported him in all ways possible. Then he found a job and his company provided an accommodation for him with some colleagues. So we had to live separately but only few blocks away from each other. Just like any other relationships, ours was not perfect, had some issues, we had fights that almost led into breakup. Saw some red flags that I chose to ignore. I trust him 100% until one day I caught him on a dating app and I left him, but after a week I came back and asked for explanation, we rekindled the relationship. Everything was great and again I accidentally saw a message popped up on his phone, again a dating app, I was upset and angry, which made me nag him that time. I didn’t break up with him, I just said I will give him space to let him see if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. The next day he apologized. Forgiven. Gave me an access to his phone though I’m not the type of woman who checks on his personal stuff. We were happy. Happier I must say. Until last week of September 2019 he got so preoccupied which led me into being needy. I didn’t realize I was giving him more pressure. I yelled at him. He broke up with me on the phone. It was few days before our anniversary. I cried so much and I asked if his decision was final. He said we will talk soon. He still sends me Good morning texts, but that’s just it. Until the day of our anniversary, I didn't get a response from him. I gave up. After a week I got a message from him asking me if I want to go see our friends. Our friends whom we were living with during our first six months. (We see them every week, no fail.) I said “yes” without hesitation. We talked and both decided to give it another try. After few weeks of not seeing each other, we missed us and made love. After few more of great sex, I realized I missed my period. I got pregnant. I got scared. I told him about it and just like any bachelor and unready-to-settle man, he asked me to abort the baby. I didn’t agree. I told him I will keep the baby even without him. He never left my side even if he can just disappear. He eventually accepted the fact that he will now have a child. He started taking care of me more, providing my needs, my cravings. Until something horrible happened, I started bleeding. There was a problem with the baby, I had to undergo an abortion. I was broken. I had to leave for a while but he couldn’t be with me due to some work issues. We were apart for the first time. He’s calling me everyday, and even facetime everyday. I came back after Christmas last year. Our relationship was more stronger. My family got to know him but they were not aware what we went through. December 31st, he was on facetime with his family and he let me wish them a happy new year. (Yes, they still didn't know about me, only his brother and some of his cousins). January 1st 2020, i woke up homesick, bleeding again. I needed him. He woke up, called me on facetime for more than an hour, and said he will call some people and he’d call me back. After 2 hours, I was already upset. My thoughts were “it’s new year and he didn’t even have plans for us”, “he didn’t even ask if I had eaten”. I knew he slept. So yes, I called him when I was angry. I Said some things. I yelled at him until he yelled at me and ended the call. Called few times but rejected. The next day, Jan 2, no text. Nothing. He usually picks me up every Thursday to meet our friends, but that day, he didn’t. I sent him a message “are we over?”. His reply, “I need time to think”. I told him he doesn't care for me anymore now that the baby is gone, that he’s back to the old him. Jan-3, I reread my message, and yes I was too harsh. I let my emotions got into me. I apologized. Explained my side. No response.
    Jan-4 I told him about my situation, that I was bleeding still since 1st of January. He got angry and asked why I didn’t tell him. He said I need to see a doctor, but I didn’t. Jan-5 I didn’t disturb him. I got a message from him asking me how I was. I didn't reply. It felt like it was the hardest question to give an answer to. That night we had a company party that I needed to go to, I had to be there (Even if I didnt want to) due to my position in the company. I sent him a message around 10pm, “Hi.” Nothing else. No response from him. Posted some pics on Instagram which he had seen. I woke up the next day and I replied to his “How are you” quoted it and I said “I miss you so much” And I never got a message from him since then.
    Jan-10, first Friday without communication, I went to our previous house because I knew he would be there. I tried to talk to him as he drove me home, but he was refusing to talk about it and said he’s not ready and that we’ll talk about it the next day. But I couldn’t help it, I still pushed it after few minutes of silence. When we reached my place, I didn’t stop asking. I told him to just leave me if that’s what he’s already thinking so that at least I will deal with 2 losses at once. I told him I’m not ready to end it and I would never want to end it but I wouldn’t stop him if that’s what he really wants even when it would hurt me like hell. I asked why, no answer. So I asked what’s stopping him. Pity? Scared that he will hurt me? Then my nightmare began, he ended it. He said he doesnt want to be in any relationship ever. 10 minute of silence. First thing that I said was ”I need my favorite top back, and the two bags.” it was with him. And his work bag was with me. He said he will bring them the next day but I refused, i told him I didnt want to see him. He said he will have someone to send them and i could give his stuff back. I deleted him on my social media accounts, changed my profile name on our netflix account, deleted his number. I asked him to delete my number too but he didnt want, but I forced him to. He also wanted me to keep the netflix. After few more talks, We hugged, and he told me to call him if I need anything. I said no i will never. And he again said he hopes that if ever I will be needing anything, he will be the first person that I will call. I accepted the break up. After a week i told him that I’m using netflix again and he said it’s okay. I went NC since then. Jan-29 I deleted my netflix profile without a word. He no longer sees my name. Until now I haven’t heard from him. I never talked to any of my friends who could give an information about him. I controlled myself. None of them came by to give my stuff back. It’s somehow giving me false hope that he chose to keep it so he have reasons or to still have chance of talking to me. But I also tell myself he would’ve talked to me if he really wanted to. I’m depressed. I still think about him everyday. I’ve kept myself busy at work. Changed my work timings so I will skip the time he normally calls me. I also go out with friends but he never slipped my mind. I’m still hurting. Waiting. Help. What should I do?

    XO Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
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    Good for you for everything you have been doing to try to move on through this difficult time. I'm sorry most of all about the problems you had with childbirth. That probably affected your relationship - but it sounds like you were the one who really wanted this relationship to work and were always trying to convince him to come along with you. He stayed when he did because he cares about you but not because he was in love with you. That's just not something that can work over the long haul. You both have to want it.

    Keep staying away and doing things to avoid contact.

    How is the bleeding? It's been a few months. Have you managed to get to a doctor to be checked out yet?

  3. #3
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    Thank you for your quick response. And yes I went to see a doctor after the BU because it became severe. Doctor said I was stressed. Gave me meds to stop the bleeding.

    I thought its becoming serious since both our family know about our relationship. I was the first woman that he had ever introduced to his family. He used to be an avoidant as well. But he changed and eventually showed neediness sometimes. He learned to apologize as well cause he said he never apologize to any of his exes.

    Should I reach out for my stuff? Im scared breaking NC.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    If your "stuff" is things you cannot possibly live without, then send him a message asking him to leave them outside the front door.

    But if it's just a "favorite top", you can buy another one.

    He just doesn't seem as invested as you were. I wouldn't read too much into the meeting his family thing. My exes all introduced me to their families, it's normally done. However, I'm confused because you wrote this: "December 31st, he was on facetime with his family and he let me wish them a happy new year. (Yes, they still didn't know about me, only his brother and some of his cousins)".

    I wouldn't wait for him to change his mind. There's been enough breakups.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    If your "stuff" is things you cannot possibly live without, then send him a message asking him to leave them outside the front door.

    But if it's just a "favorite top", you can buy another one.

    He just doesn't seem as invested as you were. I wouldn't read too much into the meeting his family thing. My exes all introduced me to their families, it's normally done. However, I'm confused because you wrote this: "December 31st, he was on facetime with his family and he let me wish them a happy new year. (Yes, they still didn't know about me, only his brother and some of his cousins)".

    I wouldn't wait for him to change his mind. There's been enough breakups.
    Perhaps the fave top I can ditch, but I need the bags. I know it sounds shallow.

    Both our families didnt know about our relationship until last December. My family found out Im dating someone but I never introduced him, Im not that type. My family actually found out about him because he was always calling me on facetime, I had no choice. For him its a little different, because he had never ever introduced a woman or a girlfriend to his family. I was the first. Hes always been a private person even at work, he keeps his relationships private. But Ive met most of his colleagues.

    Today I woke up and felt the same feeling after the break up. Everything came back to me. As if it was just yesterday.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you from different cultures or countries? Why is it taboo to date or introduce families? Are you or he scheduled for an arranged marriage in your countries/culture? Why is dating so secretive?

    Follow up with your doctors and make sure you get reliable birth control and STD information. Delete him and all his people from all your accounts and social media. Can you go home to your family if you are homesick?
    Originally Posted by Dumpee1
    My family found out Im dating someone but I never introduced him, Im not that type. My family actually found out about him because he was always calling me on facetime, I had no choice.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    Yes, we often live with 'hope', but in order for you to start working & accepting this, you need to stay away and expecting contact with him.
    We can't do that and heal at all. No more contact. No need.
    Time to focus on YOU.

    If it is done now. No more you can do.
    You both need to work on accepting this and working at moving forward.

    Sadly, often things do not work out. It will hurt for a good while.. but we can heal.

    Focus on your friends and avoid places you know he will be. Seeing him will not help you.
    Out of sight, out of mind.

    IF you feel this is hurting way too much & is affecting your sleep & eating for too long, maybe go see your doctor.
    Explain how you're hurting really bad.. they may give you something for anxiety - to sleep.
    Some people even need prof help - therapy to work through the damages.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Are you from different cultures or countries? Why is it taboo to date or introduce families? Are you or he scheduled for an arranged marriage in your countries/culture? Why is dating so secretive?

    Follow up with your doctors and make sure you get reliable birth control and STD information. Delete him and all his people from all your accounts and social media. Can you go home to your family if you are homesick?
    Yes we are from way too different cultures. He’s an arab and I came from a country in South East Asia. My family's not strict and very welcoming to the thought of me getting in a relationship. But since I am away from home, I never thought of introducing him to them. I just didn’t feel the need to. I always think I would only introduce a man when I am sure of the chance of us ending in marriage. While it’s different for him, although his family is not into arranged marriage, he just doesn’t introduce women as he never had serious relationship like what we had. The previous ones were just about FUN. (You know what I mean) More like FB. And it’s a fact that ARAB MEN will not introduce you to his family unless they see something worthy in you.

    I got medical tests and I am very much fine now. Thank you.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by SooSad33
    Yes, we often live with 'hope', but in order for you to start working & accepting this, you need to stay away and expecting contact with him.
    We can't do that and heal at all. No more contact. No need.
    Time to focus on YOU.

    If it is done now. No more you can do.
    You both need to work on accepting this and working at moving forward.

    Sadly, often things do not work out. It will hurt for a good while.. but we can heal.

    Focus on your friends and avoid places you know he will be. Seeing him will not help you.
    Out of sight, out of mind.

    IF you feel this is hurting way too much & is affecting your sleep & eating for too long, maybe go see your doctor.
    Explain how you're hurting really bad.. they may give you something for anxiety - to sleep.
    Some people even need prof help - therapy to work through the damages.
    I am doing everything that I think I needed to do in order for me to move on. But I think Im not making any progress. I went back to zero again. Thank you for your advice.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Dumpee1
    I am doing everything that I think I needed to do in order for me to move on. But I think Im not making any progress. I went back to zero again. Thank you for your advice.
    We can all falter.. I have as well :/.. But I got my strength back and fought it daily for months.
    You CAN do this.. Keep reminding yoruself of WHY he is no good.
    In time.. the pain will become less.

    I have become my own person and will No Longer tolerate bs from others. M or F.
    Tired of being used.. lied to, etc. No good for all I deserve.

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