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Thread: Toxic relationship. I want out

  1. #1

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    Feb 2020
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    Toxic relationship. I want out

    Hi, all,

    I am looking for some advice on the below

    I have been with my partner since November 2016. We met on a dating site. At the time of meeting her, she was living just over 2 hours away from me in London working as a live-in Au pair. Wed meet most weekends when she was off work.

    After a year of being with here she was pregnant.


    During her pregnancy shed tell me things like I didnt care about her or our baby and that all I cared about was myself even though spoke to her most nights and spent every weekend that I could being with her travelling to London taking her out, buying her flowers etc and making sure that I went to every pregnancy appointment that she had.

    Towards the end of her pregnancy she tried to stop me from going to the scan were wed be told the sex of our baby. Having taken the day off work and taking the train to London spending a few hours travelling to the hospital she texted me to tell me that she had cancelled the scan. It was only when I phoned the hospital to ask them if the scan had been cancelled they told me no it hadnt so I went there and waited for her to arrive ( not sure if that was a right thing to do or not). Anyway, after a few words exchanged I went into the scan room with her where we were then told that we are having a boy.

    Prior to leading up to the scan and with everything that she was putting me through and the mental abuse that she was giving me I felt like ending my life there and then sat there waiting for the next underground train to approach contemplating on jumping.

    A few days after that scan she apologised with everything that she had said and tried to do and told me that she wil sort herself out.

    Fast forward till now we are both 32 and both live together, have a mortgage on a flat and have a beautiful son who is about to turn 2.

    The relationship with me and her is as toxic as ever. She constantly tells me to change hes name referring to our sons surname whenever we have an argument ie if I am coming home from work late ( around 7-8 pm and she hasnt bothered to start dinner shed turn it round on me and call me the lazy one and tell me to cook dinner myself. This would result in an argument and end with change hes name and Im gone.

    Whenever she is angry over something shed tell me to leave him alone referring to our son so if I wanted to read our son a book or play a game with him shed try and stop me even though I hadn't done anything to deserve being stopped from playing games or reading a book to our son. This could be because she is stressed from our son throwing a tantrum.

    Whenever my family invite us over she tries to start an argument so she doesnt have to go and refuses me to take our son with me on my own.

    I want out of this relationship but dont know how to get out. She is originally from Romania and doesnt have anyone here other than her sister who she hardly sees or talks to and she lives with house mates so its not like she can move in with her.

    I know a lot of people will say take a DNA test and thats the route Im thinking of going down first but if he is 100% my son then what can I do to get out of the relationship?

  2. #2
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    Get a DNA test done. If he's yours then you need to be a good dad and arrange fair financial agreements.

    Aa for the relationship you end that whenever you want and it does sound bad.

    Is she medically OK? Did she only become poison afte she got pregnant or was she always like this?

    If so why the hell did you get her pregnant instead of running miles away!?!!

  3. #3
    You have decided you want out, so that's what you have to do. You've made the decision to leave already, so the next step is simply to work out how you will do that.

    I'm not from the UK so I don't know how child custody arrangements work there, but so long as your son is safe and happy with her, I would say just leave and worry about that once you have yourself sorted. Sort yourself out and then take incremental steps towards making arrangements to see/have custody of your son. It sounds like by staying any longer it is only going to get worse.

    Try not to look at it as this big huge situation/obstacle to overcome. Break it down into smaller easy to manage steps. First tell her you're leaving. Have your bags packed and ready to go. Have alternative accommodation arranged prior. Don't tell her where though - you need a period of no contact. A couple of weeks at least. Once you're established somewhere else, make arrangements with her to see your son and sort out any loose ends. Will she engage with you in good faith to allow you to see your son? If not, then you might need to seek legal support. Do you have money for that? If not, do you know a lawyer or can you get legal aid? But worry about that later, after you've left. Look after yourself first. You will figure the rest out as you go.

    At least you already know you want to leave. That is the first step. Best of luck my friend, tough situation, but the day you take action is the day your situation starts to improve! :)

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Do you have another thread about the same relationship under a different name?
    I recall a scenario of a troubled relationship and cancelled scan previously posted some time ago.

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  6. #5

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    Its not as easy as just walking out. We have a mortgage I am the bill payer for everything. If bills arent paid Id be the one to pick up the dept.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    A man your age, also with a Romanian girlfriend living in London, was going through a similar situation a few months ago. You might find his thread useful:

    [Register to see the link]

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Do you have another thread about the same relationship under a different name?
    I recall a scenario of a troubled relationship and cancelled scan previously posted some time ago.
    Yes I posted on here some time ago but set up another profile as I cant find the login details!

  9. #8
    Administrator kamurj's Avatar
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