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Thread: husband talking to trans woman secretly

  1. #1

    husband talking to trans woman secretly

    I found out my husband was texting a woman who lives out of state for the past couple of months. He had deleted old messages so I only saw the most recent one from a week ago. General stuff but my husband was flirting, and even mentioned hooking up and that he was jealous of guys who could see her in person. I confronted him and he said it was just a friend and they barely talked.

    I told him I was going to look at phone records and he then admitted they had talked on the phone while he was driving long days for work. He then admitted this person was a trans woman. To be clear I in no way care that this person is trans, I am very open to & respect everyones way of life. Love is love and people are people. They met on Reddit on a lonely forum and became friends. She was transitioning at the time. I busted him on reddit months back for DMing women and apparently when he removed reddit he gave this person his number incase they "needed to reach out". They did reach out and he said they talked about politics and life on the phone. Nothing inappropriate. He swears the texts were a fantasy, not real. I asked if he was gay or unsure of his sexuality and he said he is not. He is straight. I asked if he is bi - which is ok! He said no. I asked why if just a friend he was flirting and mentioning hooking up. He said to boost this persons ego as her life change was difficult. He said he liked the attention. He said they never exchanged photos or videos and never sexted or had phone sex. No plans to ever meet. He was very open with me and answered all my questions. I did check phone records and they talked a lot on the phone for a two week period, about once or twice a week, a couple times a day.

    I can not wrap my head around this. Im in a lot of shock. What concerns me is 1. that this was a secret and 2. that he knew this was a man who was transitioning and then this person was a woman and THEN it was sexual? I dont understand. Im concerned that he is not being honest with himself about who he is. Or am I reading too much into this?

    Im just trying to understand how to go about understanding/processing this situation and being sensitive to it with my husband. It seems like he was being very honest with the information. Our relationship/sex life has been very poor in the past six months but Im not validating his behavior. I do not want to judge but I have to protect myself too. Any advice/insight would be appreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Why is he on "lonely" forums? The more you police him the craftier he'll get about cheating. It sounds like you are focusing way to much on political correctness and overlooking the marital problems and cheating.

    Stop rationalizing this. Get to a doctor for a checkup including STD testing and make an appointment with a therapist privately and confidentially to sort this out and decide what you wish to do.
    Originally Posted by volatiledays
    They met on Reddit on a lonely forum and became friends. I busted him on reddit months back for DMing women and apparently when he removed reddit he gave this person his number incase they "needed to reach out". Our relationship/sex life has been very poor in the past six months

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how long you’ve been married? And if, during the entire time you’ve known your husband, you’ve ever questioned him sexuality?

    All in all—and depending on your answer to the second question—I don’t see the trans component of this to be the thing to focus on. He was on a “lonely” forum on Reddit, DMing people until you “busted” him? That, along with your own description of the relationship as “poor,” seems to be the big problem, with this being a particularly unfortunate symptom—one that, of course, just compounds the problem and makes resolution more challenging.

    So what’s going on in the marriage? Can you—you two—see this as a moment to address that head on, perhaps with the help of a therapist? Assuming, of course, that staying in the marriage, and seeing if it can be repaired, is something you both want. Is that something you want?

    You strike me as warm-hearted and compassionate in nature. But also? Angry and frustrated, and my gut sense is that was the case before this episode. Something, of course, is also up with him if he’s finding support in the shadows of the internet in a way he feels he needs to keep secret.

    All that is the weeds, but what are the roots?

  4. #4
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Can I ask how long you’ve been married? And if, during the entire time you’ve known your husband, you’ve ever questioned him sexuality?

    All in all—and depending on your answer to the second question—I don’t see the trans component of this to be the thing to focus on. He was on a “lonely” forum on Reddit, DMing people until you “busted” him? That, along with your own description of the relationship as “poor,” seems to be the big problem, with this being a particularly unfortunate symptom—one that, of course, just compounds the problem and makes resolution more challenging.

    So what’s going on in the marriage? Can you—you two—see this as a moment to address that head on, perhaps with the help of a therapist? Assuming, of course, that staying in the marriage, and seeing if it can be repaired, is something you both want. Is that something you want?

    You strike me as warm-hearted and compassionate in nature. But also? Angry and frustrated, and my gut sense is that was the case before this episode. Something, of course, is also up with him if he’s finding support in the shadows of the internet in a way he feels he needs to keep secret.

    All that is the weeds, but what are the roots?

    You are absolutely right. I understand there are larger issues. & I am angry and frustrated. He has been distant for a long time and seeking comfort in people online. Instead of talking to me. And that bothers me. I know we have our issues. We do have an appt for a therapist and have went in the past with great outcomes. We need to get back on track. I love him and want to save our marriage.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It's sometimes said that an affair is the best thing that happens to some marriages.
    It makes the couple get off the side lines and get into the game.
    Marriage counseling . . asap.

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Why is he on "lonely" forums? The more you police him the craftier he'll get about cheating. It sounds like you are focusing way to much on political correctness and overlooking the marital problems and cheating.

    Stop rationalizing this. Get to a doctor for a checkup including STD testing and make an appointment with a therapist privately and confidentially to sort this out and decide what you wish to do.

    I admit we have problems in our marriage that we have been working on.

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    It's sometimes said that an affair is the best thing that happens to some marriages.
    It makes the couple get off the side lines and get into the game.
    Marriage counseling . . asap.
    We have an appt set up. Thank you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sorry but it is time to judge. Your marriage for the past 6 months has been tanking. You've caught your husband before chatting up women online and you've caught him again doing the same (trans is the least of your problems here). You seem to be ignoring the fact that your husband is physically checked out of the marriage, mentally checked out of the marriage and actively looking to cheat/is cheating at least emotionally by chatting up and flirting and developing these online relationships with other women....that you know of. There is a lot more you might not know about. Sorry but cheaters lie and the most dangerous lies are ones laced with nuggets of truth.

    Stop questioning his sexuality and start asking the right and the hard questions about the state of your marriage.

    As for the excuse that he gave you when caught.....he is flirting with her sexually to boost her self esteem....geee...how noble of him....what about you, his wife, and your self esteem and the respect toward his marriage? Not important? Doesn't matter? You can fend yourself while he heals other women with sex chat? Come on OP, if you are willing to buy this bs I've got a bridge to sell you.....

    I know it's a shock to you, but this situation is only confusing because you aren't able to face what is staring you in the face - a straying spouse.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Great.

    If you are both on the same page in wanting to address this—the big stuff, along with where this sharp and uncomfortable stuff fits in—you’re in a good place. A hard one, but a good one.

    You know your deeper concerns about sexuality more than us, and whether they existed before this moment or not, but what I see is two people feeling very lonely and isolated from each other.

  11. #10
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Great.

    If you are both on the same page in wanting to address this—the big stuff, along with where this sharp and uncomfortable stuff fits in—you’re in a good place. A hard one, but a good one.

    You know your deeper concerns about sexuality more than us, and whether they existed before this moment or not, but what I see is two people feeling very lonely and isolated from each other.

    You are right. The sexuality has never been questioned. It just threw me for a loop. I feel silly now for focusing on that amongst the bigger issues.


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