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Unsure how to deal with a girl who isnt ready?


lenovo

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A few months ago i decided to dip my toe into dating again and signed up on some dating sites. I dated a few people once or twice, some liked me others the same as me never really felt a connection. Then met 1 particular girl, i didnt expect the date to go as well as it did but the time flew past as we talked, she asked to see me again at the end of our first date. 2nd date was the same, she said she felt a connection, asked me for a 3rd date doing dinner and kissed me at the end.

 

She then went quiet, taking days to reply to messages like i was being breadcrumbed. Anyway i called her out on it, she said some personal stuff happened and her ex got in touch around the same time, was being nasty which made her realise she wasnt ready.....although she does like me but shes scared.

 

Obviously i said i understood, i liked her and wanted to see her again but would rather she was ready and sure about dating and left it at that. No point putting any pressure on the situation.

 

I've not spoken to her since but i literally cant stop thinking about her this was a week ago!

 

Now im thinking was she just politely trying to let me down? If she did like me surely she would have got over being scared? Was she just dating to try and paper over the cracks from her last relationship? or maybe with the things that happened that week and her ex getting in touch maybe she just thinks she isnt ready, like a tempory mind and she might be ok again in a couple of weeks?

 

Should i just leave this and delete her number or try to reach out again at some point?

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We can't really begin to guess if the reason she gave you was honest, as we have no idea what the history is between her and ex.

 

What matters is that she essentially told you she won't be going on more dates with you any time soon, in so many words. Don't bother reaching out to her. She will be in touch with you if she has a change of heart.

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She's not interested as things stand. It may because her ex reappearing has confused her and reignited her feelings for him or she may not be that attracted to you and is trying to let you down gently.

 

Either way this isn't a good situation for you. I'd wish her well and move on and say if she changes her mind down the line then she can reach out then if you havernt met someone else by then.

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Sorry to hear this. Some people are on dating apps a nanosecond after a breakup/argument. Also people are meeting a lot of people in the beginning, so it could be an excuse. Next time ask for dates and follow up regularly. All you can do is move forward and if she contacts you great if not that's ok too.

she asked to see me again at the end of our first date.

2nd date was the same, she said she felt a connection,

asked me for a 3rd date doing dinner and kissed me at the end.

 

her ex got in touch around the same time, was being nasty which made her realise she wasnt ready.

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Sorry about this. It is, alas, a thing that happens when dating. I’ve been her, I’ve been you. Since I’ve been her, I tend to have a pretty generous view when I’ve been you. Sucks, in short, but is what it is.

 

Odds are that when you were swiping right on women you weren’t looking for one who was “scared” and “not ready” and still tangled up in an ex. Remember that, so you don’t let all that spike your interest in her, but it put it perspective, let it fizzle out rather than flame up.

 

Dust off, keep swiping. If she has a change of heart, she knows where to find you. But there’s no point in reaching out.

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I don't have alot of info on the past relationship either.

 

I doubt i'll hear from her again, when people are ready they dont just wake up and think oooo im ready, normally they meet someone and realise they want to move forward! Bad timing on this one i guess.....gutted but.........next!

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Yes, she is politely letting you down because she wants to see where it goes with her ex. Don't get so invested in someone you only went on three dates with. Only think about the next date and always be open to coffee dates with new women until someone strikes your fancy and you find someone who wants the same things/is ready to date

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Take the hint, get her message and delete her. She already explained to you that she wasn't ready, she's scared, however she likes you. She's telling you it's nothing personal. She hasn't recovered from her ex yet, she still has contact with her ex so consider yourself history.

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I get it. And I actually applaud OP for making himself vulnerable to some disappointment by opening himself to the possibility of creating something meaningful with someone he clicked right away with.

 

In the time of swipe culture when people are super jaded, guarded and always looking for a “better” person/fall back option it takes heart and guts to genuinely “go for it” with a person you feel chemistry with.

 

This time the risk didn’t pay out for OP and he got a let down - but in my experience the most desirable women can only be moved by a bold and decisive man...so I hope he doesn’t let this one trip him up on his dating path....

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If you're "gutted" after two dates, I suggest asking yourself why.

 

Because i've been a loads of decent dates over the years but its rare to click with someone that i want to see them more than twice. So when you find someone you click with and they like you too but have issues still in their mind from a previous relationship that is a bit gutting. Don't take gutted too literally, im not crying about it...anyway i've deleted her number now no point keeping it.

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One of the first questions to work in on a first date is how long since her last breakup? If it's recent, I'd tell her at the end of the date that you really like her and can picture the two of you dating in the future. That's why you're stepping away while you both still think highly of one another. She gets to work out her old ghosts, and if she finds herself completely healed and ready to pursue dating for a new relationship in a few months, she can contact you. If you're still available then, you can meet to catch up. Otherwise, you wish her the best.

 

Dating anyone prematurely is rebound territory. It sets you up to play an emotional band aid to be discarded once the rebounder is healed and whole, "and you're such a great guy, but I really should have taken the time to find myself after my breakup..."

 

Skip that, and screen new dates to opt out of the rebound mess. You'll thank yourself later.

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