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Thread: Dates and Confused

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by cdawn87
    Thank you so much for your insight! I think the most confusing thing about it all is that BOTH are acting more like I had wanted when we were together. I think the irrational fear of maybe losing out on the reaping of what I helped sow into their success as being Men and not boys. Its the thought of "what if this is real?" "what if they really have changed and I don't give them another chance?" I'm sure this is making me sound like a very dumb woman which makes me so mad at myself because I take pride in my intelligence and success as a woman and mother.
    The key word here is acting, as is in pretending. From the outside, sure they might look like they are suddenly upstanding men, BUT their fundamental character hasn't changed, it doesn't change and that's something you need to learn to understand and accept. Abusers (cheating is abuse, btw) can be successful, loved by their peers and yet behind closed doors they are monsters to their partners and children.

    If you choose to take either one back, you are making an informed decision to sign up for more lies and abuse because you already have experienced the truth of who they really are.

    Put down the hope for magical change pipe. It's not good for you and definitely not good for your children. Snakes do not turn into cuddly puppies. When you hope that an abuser will change, you are literally hoping for something that impossible. Stop.

    In fact, disengage from these men completely and keep any conversations strictly to children as ordered by courts and custody. Get parenting apps for that. Cut them out of your life otherwise and do take a long break from dating. Get on your feet and sort yourself out as a woman. Choosing such horrible men as mates makes you the common denominator. If you do not take a serious time out to address where you are going wrong and what's attracting you to them, you will just land in another mess over and over. Time to stop the pattern. Do some research online, peruse the self help section of your local bookstore or library, get some counseling, spend some serious time doing a whole lot of work on yourself and addressing brutally honestly what's leading you down this rabbit hole so you can finally stop.

  2. #12
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    cdawn, you seem to be caught in this 'either/or' mindset. Why do you limit yourself to two men who were clearly not right for you. Unfortunately, you're going to be tied to both of them for many years because of your children, but you don't have to be tied to them emotionally.

    There are many men out there who will be right for you, but you have to learn from your mistakes. My guess is that you acted hastily with both of them and didn't wait for the honeymoon period to be over before you made the commitment of living with them and having a child with them. Please, next time, don't be in a hurry. Take a lot of time to learn everything about them, how they behave about the things that are important to you, like finances, child rearing, respect, etc.

    Don't keep doing the same things and expecting different results. Good luck.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    We get divorced and quickly I start dating the "man of my dreams"

    And had you taken the time to get to really know him you might have saved yourself some heartache.

    You've had a pattern of making bad choices in men. Now you have the opportunity to do differently, why would you consider either one of these guys? These are not the only two men on the planet and they have shown you their character repeatedly.

    Someone who repeatedly cheats on you, treats you horribly does not get a second chance. Period. I don't care how much they feel they changed.

    Why would you risk taking 5 minutes of your precious life trying to find out.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    If you choose to take either one back, you are making an informed decision to sign up for more lies and abuse because you already have experienced the truth of who they really are.
    Yes, and without ever investing the time to learn how fabulous YOU can be solo.

    You can never learn the most important stuff from leapfrogging from man to man. I'd consider making this a time to explore my kids and explore my SELF. That's the best foundation for building confidence in your best possible judgment going forward. Investing your attention in the circus acts of your exes is not it.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You don't need either one of these clowns.

    Your ex husband treated you terribly chasing and running around with other women and getting someone pregnant. Why you would ever trust this man again, I don't know.
    He is completely irresponsible, no respect for you whatsoever and will lie and lie some more.
    He has nothing to offer you but heartache.

    As for your ex partner, drug and alcohol addiction is quite serious. He needs to be going into rehab and getting the proper help he needs, which could take many months. Even then, he won't be in any shape to be a proper partner for anyone. It can take years before an addicted person can get back on the right track.
    Your children don't like him, so why would you consider forcing them to live with a man they don't like? Think of them FIRST. You are their mother first and foremost. I realize that you want a partner, but not only does he have very bad issues but he is not fitting in with your children.

    You don't need anyone right now by the sounds of it. What would do you the best would be to see a therapist to help you sort out your past relationships and to heal you.
    Until that happens, you're not only going to be confused but you wont be healed and will continue on with a toxic cycle no matter who you try to date.

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