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Thread: My abusive ex-boyfriend has cancer and asked to see me. Help

  1. #1
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    My abusive ex-boyfriend has cancer and asked to see me. Help

    I have a long time to post here.. I find this forum really helpful from time to time. Thank you all for you time and kindness.

    One decade ago when I was 17 I had my first relationship. I dont want to go into details about how this worked out, but it broke me to a thousand pieces. He was mentally and physically abusive and made me suffer for a long time.
    you can read my story here if you want

    [Register to see the link]

    It took me nearly 3 years to get over punishing and blaming myself for what happened to me. I forgave him for what he did so I can forgive myself and find peace and be ok in my new relationship and life. I have not seen him since we broke up. I dont have feeling for him anymore.
    He calls me or messages me like twice a year, either late at night drunk saying he still loves me and he is sorry, or at day saying he would like to see me some time for a coffee. He says he just wants to check if I am ok. He tells me he is sorry every time. He also said that he went to a therapist after we broke up. Fast forward to a while back (I think september) I moved back in my hometown where he lives too. I met one of our mutual "friends" and he said that my ex had a small health problem and had to stay in the hospital for a while.
    So he called me yesterday (his twice a year phonecall) and asked me to go for a coffee (I turn him down everytime). I said no and he said I had to try, and asked how I was and when I asked him I remembered about what that friend told me and I asked him. He did not want to tell me at first but eventually he did. He has thyroid cancer and it has spread to other places too. He says that doctors believe there is hope. He sounded cool about it. I freaked out. He said that he called me because he wants to talk to me before he is submitted for his operation in a week from now. I freaked out told him that I have a bussiness call on the other line and I will think about it closed the phone and cried my heart out.
    Whatever he did to me he does not deserve this. He is only 27.
    I have wished him death so many times when angry. I cannot describe how I feel.
    Should I go? Give him the chance to say he is sorry but risk my emotional well being?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    You donít even know he has this. At the risk of sounding callous preserve yourself and block him on everything. I am sorry he is laying all this on you.

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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    You donít even know he has this. At the risk of sounding callous preserve yourself and block him on everything. I am sorry he is laying all this on you.
    I am sure he says the truth. I checked with mutual friends today. He has it...

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    You can scream to the heavens youíre healed and over him but your quoted post Ďneed to get this off my chestí and this post scream the opposite.

    The fact that you not only allow your abuser to call you twice a year but answer the phone...

    Letís not pretend.

    I was in an abusive relationship as well so I completely get what a mindf*ck it is and how emotionally damaging it is, I share a child with this man so I forgave him, recognized my own dysfunction and have moved forward. Want to know how I know Iíve moved forward? If he told me he was dying of cancer, beyond feeling grief for my child and figuring out that journey, Iíd have no reason to be involved.

    Thatís not me being callous or cold, itís just reality, imagine going for coffee with every ex anytime anything bad happened to them. Of course you wouldnít.

    I realize death changes the playing field a bit but it still doesnít justify allowing him not only to call you but to contemplate meeting up with him.

    I think itís time for you to move forward, admit you arenít healed yet and begin that journey.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Notmi
    I am sure he says the truth. I checked with mutual friends today. He has it...
    At the same time I think you should preserve your own mental health and give condolences from afar.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Why isn't he blocked on all messaging and social media platforms? Unfortunately everything you are describing is typical ongoing abuser behavior that for some odd reason you continue to allow into your life. Don't believe a word he says and block him.

    Even though you seem attached to his antics, My advice remains the same: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Notmi
    He calls me or messages me like twice a year, either late at night drunk saying he still loves me
    So he called me yesterday.

  8. #7
    Member proseyxi's Avatar
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    The best answer is here: [Register to see the link]

    I don`t care he has cancer. I don`t care if he doesn`t have cancer. I also don`t care about your feelings or his right now. I care for the simple truth of how good he is at what he is doing. After all he did, he still got you thinking about him, caring about him, answering his calls, crying about him. I don`t judge you, believe me. But you have to wake up girl. I mean right now please. I said that I don`t care about your feelings because your feelings and your security and well being are completely opposite and you should really do a reality check. Shake your head, this man was a monster to you! Chin up beautiful! You have a new life in front of you!!! Bad for him, it`s not nice , it is sad but you DONT HAVE TO FEEL SAD OR ACT ON IT!

    Block him asap, focus on your loved ones and cut off any mutual "friends" and all communication with them. They are so concerned about him being ill, where were they when the saw how he treated you? I`ll pray for you, to find peace inside you. Don`t feel guilty about it honey. <3

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I would not only never see him again, I would not take his phone calls. That's me. You get to do whatever you want, but it makes no sense to claim that it will traumatize you if you opt to willingly participate.

    Only children are dependent on appeasing their abusers. Adults make their own choices.

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    I can't understand why you did not block and delete this guy years ago. What did you get from it?

    It is time to move on. Block him!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Have you dated anyone else in the years since you broke up?

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