Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 44

Thread: Avoidant Attachment Style

  1. #21
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,223
    I think it's great to have new tools -to know yourself better -I work on being more aware of what triggers me in parenting for example. It's when the jargon overtakes the substance that it becomes an issue IMO - and I think the OP has swung too far in that direction.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,927
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I think it's great to have new tools -to know yourself better -I work on being more aware of what triggers me in parenting for example. It's when the jargon overtakes the substance that it becomes an issue IMO - and I think the OP has swung too far in that direction.
    Agreed.

    Or, put differently, I think that jargon (jargon I'm familiar with and value, for the record) is best used in our assessment of ourselves, not as a way of assessing others right off the back.

    Related story: I went on two dates with a compelling woman who, prior to the third, asked me to take an extensive quiz to determine my attachment style. I took the quiz, because these things interest me, and it wasn't from a pop website but an academic institution. I also canceled the date, because I wasn't interested in what I perceived as a highly sensitive and narrow lens of connecting with me. Guess you could say I get cramps from feeling like I'm in a Petri dish.

    It would be a bit like telling someone I'm a Libra and hearing them say, "Oh, dang, I'm a Piscesówe don't mix." Or, perhaps, someone telling me they're a Pisces and me wondering, "What do I need, as a Libra, to do to approach dating a Pisces?" In all that the sweetest nectaróof individual humansógets squeezed out, in my opinion.

    The more self-aware we are the more we become aware of what does, and does not, authentically work for us. As such, we move more fluidly toward what works, and away from what doesn't.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    36,946
    Gender
    Male
    How many dates have you been on? Did she simply ghost after a couple of dates? If that is the case, it may be par for the course. Other than that someone who tells you their life story before or within a couple dates is sort of a red flag. Take time getting to know someone in person. Avoid too much texting disclosure etc and let all that evolve in a natural fashion.
    Originally Posted by SanchezMac17
    She was clingy and did overshare - abandonment issues, anxiety and depression in the past, asked me questions about hypothetical scenarios involving us being married, living together, having kids.

    After our first date I even gave her an easy out. I told her if she didn't feel a spark no hard feelings. She doubled down but at the same time started to withdraw to the point where she's almost nonexistent.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,747
    The key word is "dysfunctional" so focus on that word itself. Then your emotional attachments will let go because logic will take over in your brain.

    I have an avoidant style with a lot of people in my life whom I do not admire. I do just that: avoid them. This is with certain relatives, in-laws and some friends. Avoiding is exactly what enforcing healthy boundaries is. We get together for perfunctory, obligatory holiday celebrations and a few birthdays and that's it. The rest of the time: Leave me alone! Don't bother me! I wish to live my own quiet, predictable, uninterrupted routine life! Now scat!

    With personal relationships such as a gf, bf or spouse, it's a different story. You need to be clear with your communication preferably in person so something won't get lost in translation electronically via text, emails, messages and voicemails.

    If you wish to be tactful, you need to always remain HUMBLE. Instead of blaming the other person, have the humility to explain how you are so the other person is not faulting themselves or feeling hurt when you part ways or avoid them. Be respectful, well mannered and polite. Then they'll think, "Oh, it's not me, it's you who has the problem and wants to let go." You'll soften the blow this way.

    You deal and protect yourself by being honest so the problem is all on you and not them. This is what being humble is. Then you leave, you got it over and done with and need to work on yourself. Say to her that you are indeed insecure. Don't be afraid to tell it like it is. Give her the courtesy to inform her that it's you and not her. She'll appreciate that.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    14
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I will be of the camp to defend the poster, somewhat.

    Having had a few years of therapy under my belt and some minimal understanding of attachment styles, I am considered an `ambivalent attachment style' (similar to his) This was part of my homework in therapy and the book `Attached' was recommended to me.

    It certainly isn't gospel, but an eye opening read that help me personally understand why I felt so anxious with one person, only to flip over to being avoidant with the next. I can be both ways with the same person. Prior to this understand it was one of my biggest frustrations in relationship and riddle I couldn't unwind.

    The book further explains how the environment you grew up in sets you up for your attachment style.
    I must say having read this, I did approach dating with a different self awareness. Not solely based on these theories, but just another tool in my toolbox, so to speak.

    The answer to my relationship dilemma - I am in a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style. I still swing back and forth, but to a smaller degree. I also understand and accept who I am. Not thrilled about that, but I do appreciate that I now recognize what I am doing and as the poster stated, I am the common denominator here. My secure attached guy doesn't trigger me one way or another and it's the most balanced relationship I've ever been in.

    There is something to be said in all the responses here. I wouldn't spend so much time trying to diagnose them when the time would be better spent working on my own issues/style

    Keeping it simple. . It's not always about finding the right person. It has a whole lot to do with being the right person.

    Self awareness is a good thing.
    It's funny you mentioned that book. I read it a couple years back after going through a strikingly similar experience. It really opened my eyes to how I interpret and respond to the actions of my partner. I've approached relationships differently as well. That experience years ago, I reacted to this same type of behavior by pursuing harder out of desperation when she withdrew, and when I didn't get the desired response immediately I quickly ended it. This time around I've simply backed off, I've tried to mirror her communication, I've allowed myself time to breath and I'm waiting to see how things unfold rather then pushing for an outcome. The anxiety is still there, but it feels more like a fear of not being able to handle this process then it is a fear of rejection.

    I'm amazed how I can go from being secure and confident in the majority of aspects in my life yet, occasionally, when I meet someone who displays certain behavior patterns I become anxious. This is the third time I've gone through this. I've dated plenty of women over the years without feeling anxious, and I've been in a couple long term (5+ years) relationships, so this feels more like an anomaly to me.

    While I'm definitely the constant in all three of those cases, so to were a lot of traits of all three of these ladies. They all had abandonment issues stemming from their early childhood, they all battled with various degrees of anxiety and depression, they all had very little romantic relationship experience and they all valued their self-sufficiency and independence above all else.

    I think I need to ask myself why I knowingly put myself through situations that have been so disastrous in the past.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,223
    I think it's typical to be anxious about dating despite being confident in other social situations. I think you choose to interact with people who aren't good for you because it's easier - you don't risk having to put in the effort of a long term serious relationship -you can enjoy the ride, the excitement and exit early before there is a commitment and chalk it up to your attachment style. I'm glad in part knowing yourself in this way has helped you . I just think you take it way too far in a way that is self-sabotaging.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,694
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by SanchezMac17

    They all had abandonment issues stemming from their early childhood, they all battled with various degrees of anxiety and depression, they all had very little romantic relationship experience and they all valued their self-sufficiency and independence above all else.

    I think I need to ask myself why I knowingly put myself through situations that have been so disastrous in the past.
    You want to know to what degree you are `relationship healthy' ?
    Look at the company you keep. Who are you attracting?

    You can list these ladies short comings but serves as mirror in which to judge yourself.
    Happy well adjusted people don't attract/or aren't attracted to people with issues.

    You get right with yourself first, the landscape you are surrounded by will change as well.
    Use that energy on yourself.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,747
    I agree with reinventmyself.

    Here's an old proverb: "When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends." Same with the women whom you are attracting. YOU are the company you keep. Birds of a feather flock together. They're all on shaky ground and just as insecure as you are. Try seeking professional psychological help, therapy and counseling.

    You need to heal yourself first BEFORE even thinking about dating and relationships. Do things in logical order; not backwards!

  10. #29
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    139
    Originally Posted by SanchezMac17
    I feel like perhaps I've implied somehow that I am anxious if she decides to reject me. This is simply not the case. I'm on here seeking guidance because I feel like she IS interested but is withdrawing due to what I ASSUME is an avoidant attachment style brought on by abandonment issues from her childhood. The goal being that I might gain some valuable advice that may further this relationship.

    Yes, I am no expert in psychology but that doesn't mean I'm clueless on the subject either or have zero experience. I also realize I am making an assumption about her based on little information (in the greater scope of things) much like some of you have made assumptions about me.

    I have chosen to try these forums as a means of exploring this assumption rather than acting immature and just accusing her. At some point I'll either have to decide to break it off because the relationship dynamic doesn't work for me, or attempt to communicate this to her if the status quo remains.
    Don't go in to abandonment issues. But what I will say is trust your gut. Don't play games. Instead of giving her an "easy out", realize that what you're getting naturally from her is not what you want. I've dated avoidant types and it's stress you don't need. You never know where you stand with them. Because they'll love bomb you one day and then the next day be standoffish or pretend that the previous day never happened.

    If it were me I would save myself the agony and just walk away from it. Because you aren't going to win the "Just give me an answer, I'm ok either way" game.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    22,595
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Blank State
    ... Don't play games. Instead of giving her an "easy out", realize that what you're getting naturally from her is not what you want.
    This boils it all down. The reason I suggest stripping away the jargon is not because theories and analysis are, of themselves, 'bad,' but rather because, as Batya suggested, they're often used by people to get in their own way.

    Instead of a go-to method that supposes complexities and gets distracted by those, consider mastering the most helpful skill that I know: simplification.

    Start with "What do I want?" and work backwards from there. From this foundation you can more readily identify "What I DON'T want" whenever you see it.

    If you want to pile on analysis to name all of the aspects of what you don't want, you can, but it's not likely to change the bottom line: I want certain things, and either this person wants the same things, or not. OR, this person claims to want the same things but behaves in ways that will never allow ME to attain them.

    A good match is a good match. That's not complex, it's just difficult to find. You can opt to make seeking a good match even more difficult by distracting yourself with analysis of bad matches. It's not against the law, it just won't bring you any closer to WHAT YOU WANT.

Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •