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Thread: Avoidant Attachment Style

  1. #11
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    Does she believe she has issues, OP?

    Because if she doesn't, there really is very little you can do. She would have to want to change and you can't help her along if she doesn't agree with your assessment that she has a problem. If you know you're attracted to women who keep you at a distance, the best thing to do is ask yourself why you stay. You would be the common denominator here, and you can't change other people, so your only real option is to figure out why you're consistently going for women who are not compatible with you.

    I know you don't seem to feel this applies here, but you might simply be looking at a case of a woman who has indeed lost interest in the relationship for any number of reasons.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Does she believe she has issues, OP?

    Because if she doesn't, there really is very little you can do. She would have to want to change and you can't help her along if she doesn't agree with your assessment that she has a problem. If you know you're attracted to women who keep you at a distance, the best thing to do is ask yourself why you stay. You would be the common denominator here, and you can't change other people, so your only real option is to figure out why you're consistently going for women who are not compatible with you.

    I know you don't seem to feel this applies here, but you might simply be looking at a case of a woman who has indeed lost interest in the relationship for any number of reasons.
    I honestly don't know if she currently believes she has issues or not. I can confirm that she believes she did at one point in the past but it's not clear how far back that was. Her last romantic relationship was damaging as well, according to her own statements. That ended 2 years ago.

    Believe me, I am aware that I'm the common denominator in these types of relationships that I've been in and I keep asking myself why I put myself back in these situations. I'm sure it has something to do with the dysfunctional relationship my parents had when I was younger. We all have our own issues...

    I have considered she's lost interest yet when I backed away and implemented no contact with her it was she who initiated which seemed to confirm again that she may have an avoidant attachment style. I pulled back which allowed her to feel comfortable to come back in. So that along with her confirmation to move forward, agreeing to see me again and even asking for reassurance that she hadn't upset me one evening indicates there is some interest there.

    It's been my experience with women and online dating that if they aren't interested they simple won't talk to you, even if you've already met in person.

  3. #13
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    How long have you been dating her, exactly?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Whatever the case, pace yourselves. Do not crowd people and apply appropriate boundaries. Try not to pigeonhole everyone into one of two boxes. That is your biggest mistake. Therapy to understand yourself and the complexities of human nature would help you tremendously. It's not as simple as "protect yourself" with extreme black and white thinking.

    Learn to get to know someone slowly and that people are much more complex and interpersonal dynamics entail a lot more than one of two "styles". Once you drop these labels for yourself and others you'll be able to see clearly and make more intelligent individualized assessments about someone.
    Originally Posted by SanchezMac17
    I'm a 37 year old male with an attachment style that tends to flip flop between Secure and Anxious. I find I flip to an Anxious style when I date girls with an Avoidant style. I recently started dating a 38 year old female who I'm just discovering has this Avoidant style.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SanchezMac17
    I don't understand the need to deconstruct this into something else. Why not take my original post at face value? Assume someone out in this crazy world has stumbled across another human being with an avoidant attachment style and is asking for guidance on how to deal with that type? What's so difficult with that?
    I think this is excellent, face-value advice:

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Learn to get to know someone slowly and that people are much more complex and interpersonal dynamics entail a lot more than one of two "styles". Once you drop these labels for yourself and others you'll be able to see clearly and make more intelligent individualized assessments about someone.
    There are a wealth of how-to-date-avoidant and how-to-cope-with-an-avoidant guides on the internet. I personally can't join in on that chorus, because I don't believe it fosters a healthy attitude for sincere connection: not within, not with others. All in all, if you find yourself struggling to be curious about someone, if you quickly find yourself needing to "figure them out" in order to breathe easier, it's a good sign of incompatibility.

  7. #16
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    I think you're getting in your own way of finding a good match by all this focus on academic dissertations as bluecastle put it and really what devolves into psychobabble. Dating is hard enough without sabotaging it in this way.

    Reminds me of a great Sex and the City episode -Carrie decides to go to therapy. She meets a cute guy in the waiting room. They date then have sex. After sex she asks "so why are you in therapy?" He replies "because whenever I'm really interested in a woman then sleep with her I lose interest right after" (not verbatim but that was the point). Last date of course.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SanchezMac17

    I have considered she's lost interest yet when I backed away and implemented no contact with her it was she who initiated which seemed to confirm again that she may have an avoidant attachment style. I pulled back which allowed her to feel comfortable to come back in. So that along with her confirmation to move forward, agreeing to see me again and even asking for reassurance that she hadn't upset me one evening indicates there is some interest there.

    It really comes down to something very simple - is this ^ the kind of games and the kind of toxic dynamic that you want to engage in when it comes to relationships? If yes, carry on. If not, stop.

    If you grew up with parents demonstrating dysfunction, then it's on you to heal and change your ways for the better. The day you became an adult, you became responsible for your life and the choices that you personally make, so you can't keep blaming your parents for your own life and choices. One choice that you have is fixing your issues and the damage from the past so you can move forward and enjoy healthy fulfilling relationships with the right partner, including learning how to choose the right partner and avoid toxic ones. You have an option to unlearn toxic and learn what healthy is and live that.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    It really comes down to something very simple - is this ^ the kind of games and the kind of toxic dynamic that you want to engage in when it comes to relationships? If yes, carry on. If not, stop.

    If you grew up with parents demonstrating dysfunction, then it's on you to heal and change your ways for the better. The day you became an adult, you became responsible for your life and the choices that you personally make, so you can't keep blaming your parents for your own life and choices. One choice that you have is fixing your issues and the damage from the past so you can move forward and enjoy healthy fulfilling relationships with the right partner, including learning how to choose the right partner and avoid toxic ones. You have an option to unlearn toxic and learn what healthy is and live that.
    Yes, totally this. I grew up in an often stressful situation because of one parents' mental illness and then got to witness my sister marrying young to the love of her life/crazy love/over the moon love- here comes the bride -while I the younger one struggled to find a good match, compared myself unfavorably. Turns out her marriage apparently was dysfunctional from day one although the outer faces/trappings sure didn't suggest that. So she happily divorced right before I happily married. But I had to become the right person to find the right person. And nope didn't blame my parents (if anything I was more irritated at the years my sister held herself out as smug married and my parents' ringing endorsement of this). But yes, adult. Yes as an adult I often have to take responsibility for my flaws and less than stellar choices when it comes to navigating marriage. I really try to as much as possible and give myself a talking to if I don't.

    I avoid labels/pyschobabble -I speak directly and simply with I statements. I am more extroverted than my husband -he is reserved, tends to be introverted. But first and foremost he is an individual, so am I. I was frustrated with my son the other day about his behavior/whining, etc. and he said "but mom I'm just a kid". Yes, he gets a pass- sometimes -because he's just a kid and learning self-regulation, how not to drive us all insane, that kind of stuff. That's the difference.

    Good luck.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I wouldn't get hung up on jargon. What, specifically, does she do or not do that you don't like?

  11. #20
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    I will be of the camp to defend the poster, somewhat.

    Having had a few years of therapy under my belt and some minimal understanding of attachment styles, I am considered an `ambivalent attachment style' (similar to his) This was part of my homework in therapy and the book `Attached' was recommended to me.

    It certainly isn't gospel, but an eye opening read that help me personally understand why I felt so anxious with one person, only to flip over to being avoidant with the next. I can be both ways with the same person. Prior to this understand it was one of my biggest frustrations in relationship and riddle I couldn't unwind.

    The book further explains how the environment you grew up in sets you up for your attachment style.
    I must say having read this, I did approach dating with a different self awareness. Not solely based on these theories, but just another tool in my toolbox, so to speak.

    The answer to my relationship dilemma - I am in a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style. I still swing back and forth, but to a smaller degree. I also understand and accept who I am. Not thrilled about that, but I do appreciate that I now recognize what I am doing and as the poster stated, I am the common denominator here. My secure attached guy doesn't trigger me one way or another and it's the most balanced relationship I've ever been in.

    There is something to be said in all the responses here. I wouldn't spend so much time trying to diagnose them when the time would be better spent working on my own issues/style

    Keeping it simple. . It's not always about finding the right person. It has a whole lot to do with being the right person.

    Self awareness is a good thing.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 02-14-2020 at 01:15 PM.

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