Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 44

Thread: Avoidant Attachment Style

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    14

    Avoidant Attachment Style

    I'm a 37 year old male with an attachment style that tends to flip flop between Secure and Anxious. I find I flip to an Anxious style when I date girls with an Avoidant style. I recently started dating a 38 year old female who I'm just discovering has this Avoidant style.

    I guess I'm conflicted because one part of me wants to just cut her lose and move on to something else because I've never had much success with women possessing this type of attachment. I find they end up wearing down my emotional state and it takes me a little longer to recover once the dysfunctional relationship ends. However, I really like her, we have a lot of things in common, I find her very attractive and we share similar goals and dreams.

    Does anyone familiar with Avoidant styles have any advice on how best to approach and deal with them? Any tips on how to protect yourself?

    Thank you!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Location
    Somewhere Out There
    Age
    37
    Posts
    1,821
    Gender
    Female
    It’s probably best to find someone who isn’t the avoidant type as someone who’s attached. I’m the attached type and I know it would be a toxic dynamic for me if I dated someone avoidant.

    There has to be a balance.

    You need someone who can be nurturing, and show affection but not overly clingy and have their own interests.

    If this woman is avoidant and you’re feeling insecure right away that’s not a good sign.

    You’re right to worry.

    I suggest you listen to what you’re own needs are. I’m sure she’s nice enough but ultimately it’s up to you and what you want for long term.

    Never settle just because someone is nice enough.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,542
    Gender
    Female
    If you "just started dating someone", maybe their style is not "avoidant." Its too early to know what their style is. But because they barely know you, maybe you are interpreting the lack of them wanting to overshare and cling as "avoidant" when really, they are very secure and loving women that are just not into you or have an appropriate dating style of slowly getting to know someone or going on multiple coffee dates before pairing off. Maybe they are not "avoidant" - they are just not clicking wth you/don't feel a strong attraction.

    Maybe its a good idea to not psychologically label women, go on a second date with a woman who reciprocates interest and don't chase or label women who don't want to

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,957
    Gender
    Male
    Personally, I’d chill with diagnosing people you hardly know. Leave that to the professionals, you know? If you’re dating someone who makes you anxious and insecure in your own skin—well, that’s a fine reason to call it a bad match. What good comes from turning it into an academic dissertation?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,542
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Personally, I’d chill with diagnosing people you hardly know. Leave that to the professionals, you know? If you’re dating someone who makes you anxious and insecure in your own skin—well, that’s a fine reason to call it a bad match. What good comes from turning it into an academic dissertation?
    If you are afraid of commitment, it eases the mind for it to always be someone else's fault/someone else's baggage, when its actually you. So labeling women as avoidant, etc, vs "eh, she's not interested, so what? next" or "maybe i myself am a bit too clingy" bolsters the inner narrative

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    14
    Originally Posted by limichelle
    It’s probably best to find someone who isn’t the avoidant type as someone who’s attached. I’m the attached type and I know it would be a toxic dynamic for me if I dated someone avoidant.

    There has to be a balance.

    You need someone who can be nurturing, and show affection but not overly clingy and have their own interests.

    If this woman is avoidant and you’re feeling insecure right away that’s not a good sign.

    You’re right to worry.

    I suggest you listen to what you’re own needs are. I’m sure she’s nice enough but ultimately it’s up to you and what you want for long term.

    Never settle just because someone is nice enough.
    Thanks for the reply!

    I felt insecure for a few days because the behavior change was such a surprise after how aggressive she pursued, but after backing off and reasserting myself that insecurity has turned in to annoyance.

    We're supposed to get together later this weekend so I think I'll attempt to discuss my concerns with her then. If it leads to a negative outcome so be it. At this point I don't feel like I'll lose anything.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    14
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    If you "just started dating someone", maybe their style is not "avoidant." Its too early to know what their style is. But because they barely know you, maybe you are interpreting the lack of them wanting to overshare and cling as "avoidant" when really, they are very secure and loving women that are just not into you or have an appropriate dating style of slowly getting to know someone or going on multiple coffee dates before pairing off. Maybe they are not "avoidant" - they are just not clicking wth you/don't feel a strong attraction.

    Maybe its a good idea to not psychologically label women, go on a second date with a woman who reciprocates interest and don't chase or label women who don't want to
    I fail to see how I've labelled women at all. I'm talking about a single person in a specific sequence of events. I'm not talking about women in general.

    For the sake of simplicity I kept my original post short. I do not have the time to write out long posts detailing everything that's led me to this conclusion. I will share a few for the sake of painting a more accurate picture. She was clingy and did overshare - abandonment issues, anxiety and depression in the past, asked me questions about hypothetical scenarios involving us being married, living together, having kids. This stuff and more came out on or prior to date one!

    After our first date I even gave her an easy out. I told her if she didn't feel a spark no hard feelings. She doubled down but at the same time started to withdraw to the point where she's almost nonexistent.

    That's a very short version of events that led me to assume she has an avoidant attachment style. She was all guns blazing until it became real, then slowly withdrew without taking opportunities I've provided to back right out.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,957
    Gender
    Male
    Why are you gauging someone by how they respond to your “easy outs”? Do you not trust her to be able to reach her own conclusions?

    “No spark, no hard feelings” at the end of a first date is a trap, no? It’s also a pretty solid way to snuff out a spark (i.e. cause someone to back away slowly) or turn it into something strange. Just something to consider. I get being anxious about whether or not someone is feeling you—dating 101, right there—but tossing out the eggshells that early doesn’t really do anyone any favors.

    Seems you’re choosing to make insecurity a bonding point, then getting annoyed when you end up feeling insecure. My armchair diagnosis—to be fused with your own or discarded as you see fit.

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    14
    That's not how I'm gauging her. Like I said there is plenty to the story but I was looking for a simple answer to a simple question - how does one approach or deal with someone who has an avoidant attachment style.

    I don't understand the need to deconstruct this into something else. Why not take my original post at face value? Assume someone out in this crazy world has stumbled across another human being with an avoidant attachment style and is asking for guidance on how to deal with that type? What's so difficult with that?

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    14
    I feel like perhaps I've implied somehow that I am anxious if she decides to reject me. This is simply not the case. I'm on here seeking guidance because I feel like she IS interested but is withdrawing due to what I ASSUME is an avoidant attachment style brought on by abandonment issues from her childhood. The goal being that I might gain some valuable advice that may further this relationship.

    Yes, I am no expert in psychology but that doesn't mean I'm clueless on the subject either or have zero experience. I also realize I am making an assumption about her based on little information (in the greater scope of things) much like some of you have made assumptions about me.

    I have chosen to try these forums as a means of exploring this assumption rather than acting immature and just accusing her. At some point I'll either have to decide to break it off because the relationship dynamic doesn't work for me, or attempt to communicate this to her if the status quo remains.

Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •