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Thread: Confused Friend

  1. #1
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    Confused Friend

    Okay, So its a long story. I am in my second year of college and a lot has happened since I entered college. As a context, I must inform you that there were some pretty traumatizing incidents that happened in school, as a result of which I kind of ended up being isolated from my friends, being unable to trust them anymore. But, I was quite determined to start afresh and make friends in college. So, first year of college. In the first few months, I make great friends since I am naturally outgoing. Amongst them, happens to be a guy, say X, who I have a mild crush on. But I was determined to keep a friends-only attitude, as I wanted to focus on my career. Until everything started becoming A MESS. A few years ago, my elder sister got married. Up until then, she was my confidante. She still is, but being a doctor and a wife doesn't allow her much time, and I understand. Next, last March, my mother who happens to my 'comeback-confidante', after sis got married, had to go abroad for work. That's when it all started going down. I was afraid to be alone. To have no-one to talk to. So I befriended a bunch of guy friends, who seemed open and genuine, albeit with pretty weird interests and quite bad language, unadhering to my taste. But I decided to adapt to them, and hang out with them after class. It was fun. While it lasted. Amongst them was a guy, say Y, with whom I used to chat regularly via text. He didnt open up much, but he still talked. And I liked talking. Meanwhile, I am also chatting with X via text. X is open, very chatty, fun. Y is sarcastic, a bit distant. And before it appears as though I was weighing out my options, I must say I was still genuinely focussed on my career. Then one day, Y said he liked a girl in our class. I poked. And yeah, Curiosity killed the Cat. It turned out to be me. We talked. Flirted. Made jokes. He made more of them. I became vulnerable. Became sensitive to his sarcasm. Felt as though he didn't respect me. He acted immature on several occasions. Seemed caring sometimes. Then he criticised my points of view. Thats okay, upto a certain limit. His interests didnt match mine. I acted distant. We fought. He abused mostly. Because as I mentioned before, bad language. And everything I said got twisted. Then one day, I thought better of it and stopped everything. That should have been good. Except my overthinking flared up. In the following months, I became a depressed mess, unable to act maturely. I felt so bad that I even told Y but he ended up blocking me because exams were near. I messed up all my exams. Including the first year final exam. And here, all my friends were doing good. Made me sad that I could not keep my word. All this while though, X supported me. Noone knew about this 'escapade' that we had, except X. I told him, because he asked. It looked like he cared. As a friend. Even he told me later that he liked a girl from our class, who was very shy and quiet, but sweet. Y used to be jealous of my friendship with X, so I told him about this crush of his. Even though X had asked me not to tell anybody. In my defence, I was just proving my point that X and I were just friends. After I decided to end things with Y, I shared my thoughts with X, told him whenever I would feel bad. It felt so good to have someone who would listen and actually have nothing but good wishes for me. For almost two months this happened. People even used to tease us that we were together and stuff. We just laughed it off. Sometime in between, I let Y know that I was giving up. He had unblocked me some time earlier but acted weird and sarcastic. Communication ensued and he wanted to get back together. Then college fest came. He asked me to be thee with him on the last day of fest. I lied to my family, told them I would not stay late. But did. I regret it to this day and will regret it forever. It wasnt worth it. He wasnt worth it. Otherwise it was fun. My friends and I danced until 2.30 am. I even held Y's hand in there. X was also there. However, something came over me from all the adrenaline, and one of my friends and I started acting all drunk and stuff. I dont even know what happened. Our friends helped us get back to the hostel. Y helped me walk. I even said embarrassing things to him. I dont know what had happened. I hadnt drunk even a little bit. X left before with a bunch of other girls, including his crush, and few guys. Apparently as I heard from a friend later, his crush was embarrassed by us and wanted to leave. SO he left with her. That made me feel bad. What if I had actually been drunk" The following days, X trid to say that I had been drunk. Y seemes sweeter. I got alienated and angry at X for him leaving. But I accepted it was natural since he liked the girl. However after that, he started talking less and less and less and less with me. Texting reduced to a minimum. He started talking to his crush's group of friends(which consists mostly of girls), and less with his own friends. I get it. Maybe he wants to try to impress her. But he talks more with people he didnt talk to than he talks with me. For example he didnt like Y and his friends. Now he talks more with him than with me. Yes, I do feel bad that I lost a friend, and I pointed it out several times to him, but he just acted as though nothing had changed. But where I used to sit beside him in classes, a common girl friend of his and his crush's sits now. Where we used to chat daily for hours on end, my inbox stays silent, except Y's messages. And I am not the type of person who just wants to talk romance and all that all the time. Problem is, Y never really became my friend, even though he says he wants to. Most of our talks are about romance and stuff, fighting the rest of the time and maybe 10% friendship. An X and I used to talk about studies which was very important, conversations in which Y totally does not participate(and trust me I have tried), which puts me off. Also, I tried investing so much into this, that I almost lost contact with my own friends, because I stayed preoccupied with it. In fact it took me a while to realise how distant X and I had become. I do want to be friends with X, but I guess he has other, more important priorities now. I would try to be friends with his new friends, but his crush's girlfriend seems irritated with me behind him for some reason. She is only laughing with me, in front of everybody (since after the fest). Earlier, X would ping me when we woke up and when I would go home and when we went to sleep. He would scold me for not taking care of myself. Whenever X, Y, me and other friends would stand and chat earlier, X would stand right in between Y and me (after he got to know, of course). Like a barrier, which irritated me, but I find it funny. He was like an overprotective brother. In fact, his birthday was on the second-last day of fest and I put up this status late, mainly because I fell asleep. I captioned it 'Thank you for becoming a brother from a friend'. I think that is the last time that I actually had him as a friend. I do not want to work with the 'relationship' I have with Y, mostly because I think I deserve better, and he just doesnt understand me. I honestly want to focus on my studies right now. But this matter with X has been troubling me for the last five months. Not only I have made a bad decision in a relationship, I also lost a dear friend. I did not tell him about my crush on him in order to save the friendship since I treasured, but it ended up this way anyhow. It just feels like I am not really made out for genuine friendship. What should I do? Should I try again to make him realise or should I give up? Please HELP!!!!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sarameldrin
    Okay, So its a long story. I am in my second year of college and a lot has happened since I entered college. As a context, I must inform you that there were some pretty traumatizing incidents that happened in school, as a result of which I kind of ended up being isolated from my friends, being unable to trust them anymore but I was quite determined to start afresh and make friends in college.

    So, first year of college. In the first few months, I make great friends since I am naturally outgoing. Amongst them, happens to be a guy, say X, who I have a mild crush on. But I was determined to keep a friends-only attitude, as I wanted to focus on my career. Until everything started becoming A MESS.

    A few years ago, my elder sister got married. Up until then, she was my confidante. She still is, but being a doctor and a wife doesn't allow her much time, and I understand. Next, last March, my mother who happens to my 'comeback-confidante', after sis got married, had to go abroad for work. That's when it all started going down. I was afraid to be alone. To have no-one to talk to. So I befriended a bunch of guy friends, who seemed open and genuine, albeit with pretty weird interests and quite bad language, unadhering to my taste. But I decided to adapt to them, and hang out with them after class. It was fun. While it lasted.

    Amongst them was a guy, say Y, with whom I used to chat regularly via text. He didnt open up much, but he still talked. And I liked talking. Meanwhile, I am also chatting with X via text. X is open, very chatty, fun. Y is sarcastic, a bit distant. And before it appears as though I was weighing out my options, I must say I was still genuinely focussed on my career. Then one day, Y said he liked a girl in our class. I poked. And yeah, Curiosity killed the Cat. It turned out to be me. We talked. Flirted. Made jokes. He made more of them. I became vulnerable. Became sensitive to his sarcasm. Felt as though he didn't respect me. He acted immature on several occasions. Seemed caring sometimes. Then he criticised my points of view. Thats okay, upto a certain limit. His interests didnt match mine. I acted distant. We fought. He abused mostly. Because as I mentioned before, bad language. And everything I said got twisted.

    Then one day, I thought better of it and stopped everything. That should have been good. Except my overthinking flared up. In the following months, I became a depressed mess, unable to act maturely. I felt so bad that I even told Y but he ended up blocking me because exams were near. I messed up all my exams. Including the first year final exam. And here, all my friends were doing good. Made me sad that I could not keep my word. All this while though, X supported me. Noone knew about this 'escapade' that we had, except X. I told him, because he asked. It looked like he cared. As a friend. Even he told me later that he liked a girl from our class, who was very shy and quiet, but sweet. Y used to be jealous of my friendship with X, so I told him about this crush of his. Even though X had asked me not to tell anybody. In my defence, I was just proving my point that X and I were just friends. After I decided to end things with Y, I shared my thoughts with X, told him whenever I would feel bad. It felt so good to have someone who would listen and actually have nothing but good wishes for me. For almost two months this happened. People even used to tease us that we were together and stuff. We just laughed it off.

    Sometime in between, I let Y know that I was giving up. He had unblocked me some time earlier but acted weird and sarcastic. Communication ensued and he wanted to get back together. Then college fest came. He asked me to be thee with him on the last day of fest. I lied to my family, told them I would not stay late. But did. I regret it to this day and will regret it forever. It wasnt worth it. He wasnt worth it. Otherwise it was fun. My friends and I danced until 2.30 am. I even held Y's hand in there. X was also there. However, something came over me from all the adrenaline, and one of my friends and I started acting all drunk and stuff. I dont even know what happened. Our friends helped us get back to the hostel. Y helped me walk. I even said embarrassing things to him. I dont know what had happened. I hadnt drunk even a little bit. X left before with a bunch of other girls, including his crush, and few guys. Apparently as I heard from a friend later, his crush was embarrassed by us and wanted to leave. SO he left with her. That made me feel bad. What if I had actually been drunk" The following days, X trid to say that I had been drunk. Y seemes sweeter. I got alienated and angry at X for him leaving. But I accepted it was natural since he liked the girl. However after that, he started talking less and less and less and less with me. Texting reduced to a minimum.

    He started talking to his crush's group of friends(which consists mostly of girls), and less with his own friends. I get it. Maybe he wants to try to impress her. But he talks more with people he didnt talk to than he talks with me. For example he didnt like Y and his friends. Now he talks more with him than with me. Yes, I do feel bad that I lost a friend, and I pointed it out several times to him, but he just acted as though nothing had changed. But where I used to sit beside him in classes, a common girl friend of his and his crush's sits now. Where we used to chat daily for hours on end, my inbox stays silent, except Y's messages.

    And I am not the type of person who just wants to talk romance and all that all the time. Problem is, Y never really became my friend, even though he says he wants to. Most of our talks are about romance and stuff, fighting the rest of the time and maybe 10% friendship. An X and I used to talk about studies which was very important, conversations in which Y totally does not participate(and trust me I have tried), which puts me off. Also, I tried investing so much into this, that I almost lost contact with my own friends, because I stayed preoccupied with it. In fact it took me a while to realise how distant X and I had become. I do want to be friends with X, but I guess he has other, more important priorities now. I would try to be friends with his new friends, but his crush's girlfriend seems irritated with me behind him for some reason. She is only laughing with me, in front of everybody (since after the fest). Earlier, X would ping me when we woke up and when I would go home and when we went to sleep. He would scold me for not taking care of myself. Whenever X, Y, me and other friends would stand and chat earlier, X would stand right in between Y and me (after he got to know, of course). Like a barrier, which irritated me, but I find it funny. He was like an overprotective brother. In fact, his birthday was on the second-last day of fest and I put up this status late, mainly because I fell asleep. I captioned it 'Thank you for becoming a brother from a friend'. I think that is the last time that I actually had him as a friend.

    I do not want to work with the 'relationship' I have with Y, mostly because I think I deserve better, and he just doesnt understand me. I honestly want to focus on my studies right now. But this matter with X has been troubling me for the last five months. Not only I have made a bad decision in a relationship, I also lost a dear friend. I did not tell him about my crush on him in order to save the friendship since I treasured, but it ended up this way anyhow. It just feels like I am not really made out for genuine friendship. What should I do? Should I try again to make him realise or should I give up? Please HELP!!!!
    I broke that up into readable (somewhat O.O) paragraphs. The bottom line is you are wondering if you should keep trying to regain a friendship with X who now has a girlfriend and other friends he's focusing his attention on. My advice is no, you should stop trying to impose yourself on him, you should dump Y because he's just a turd worth flushing and then concentrate on your schooling and your studies since you are failing everything and wasting your tuition money on flakey boys.

    Good luck getting your grades back up to snuff. When you stop trying to make school your live action social media site, you'll do really well and actually be able to one day start that career you mention very briefly in your opening post.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The best thing you can do is join some clubs and groups and sports and get more involved in university activities. Focus on your grades. Make friends but do not expect them to be family. Do not play guys. Date one at a time and do not string anyone along so you "have someone to talk to".

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    Thing is, the "said crush" he had disappeeared in a few weeks after that.

    But I get your point. That's what I'll be up to then.

    Also, sorry for the wall up there😅. I just poured out what I felt.

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    I am currently not talking to either of them. I just wanted to make friends and it ended up into this huge soup.

    But yeah, thanks for the advice

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sarameldrin
    Thing is, the "said crush" he had disappeeared in a few weeks after that.

    But I get your point. That's what I'll be up to then.

    Also, sorry for the wall up there😅. I just poured out what I felt.
    Get your academic goals back in sight and go from there. Priorities Rule is your new motto

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    Okk. Understood. Thanks so much for your guidance. 😊

    I'm just confused about one more thing. I decided to stop voluntarily talking to him and interact only if he has something to say. Is that the correct attitude?
    Last edited by sarameldrin; 02-25-2020 at 07:06 PM. Reason: Need to add something

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sarameldrin
    Okk. Understood. Thanks so much for your guidance. 😊

    I'm just confused about one more thing. I decided to stop voluntarily talking to him and interact only if he has something to say. Is that the correct attitude?
    Yes, do that. Normally I would suggest you go no contact but if you're going to see him, be polite if he talks to you but keep it brief and do your best to stay no contact so that you get over any attachment you have for either of them.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sarameldrin
    Okk. Understood. Thanks so much for your guidance.

    I'm just confused about one more thing. I decided to stop voluntarily talking to him and interact only if he has something to say. Is that the correct attitude?
    I would speak to him if you run into him or it's something in person. If he calls or texts, let a lot of time pass before responding and be aloof.... eventually he'll stop.

  11. #10
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    To Thatwasthen,
    The problem is we see each other regularly, we have the same group of friends, except the new ones he made.

    It's just so hard for me(i dont want to sound pathetic and exuding self-pity) . Even though it's been months, I just can't seem to put off this matter. Mostly because it just further convinces me of how incapable I am at having genuine friends. I can't even play the blame game here and put it all on him, because he has maintained being polite and says that real friendship is helping a person when they need you.
    I agree with that, but does that mean isolating the person is also a form of friendship? He is such a good person. And I just dont know what I did wrong.

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