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Thread: Bf hasn't planned anything for Valentines.

  1. #21
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    I have a number of thoughts on this. I always saw V-day as a day when couples bought each other small or large gifts - (confession -we really haven't celebrated much in years -not for any bad reason -for practical reasons but we did for several years). I often made my from scratch chocolate chip cookies and probably wrapped them in red paper, definitely a card and often something like a sweater maybe a book, like that. Something personal and romantic. Typically my SO planned dinner - I remember some that we cooked at home, some we went out (I preferred at home or a restaurant that wasn't all V-day because I hate the trumped up prices).

    Best v-day - I was in my 9th month of pregnancy and my husband took me to a show I'd been wanting to see. It was hard to stand during intermission cause I was waddling/so big. But I loved it. I gave birth a few weeks later. He planned that. And yes I'm glad he did -I was huge and exhausted and not yet on maternity leave. I deserved it that year. But I am positive I got him something/did something/got him a card. Yes, if you are a fan of V-day and you've spent this kind of time together ask him what he'd like to do to celebrate. Come up with some ideas.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    The wife and I go to the butcher shop and buy a couple nice steaks for me to cook up. We'll buy some candy on clearance the following weekend. That's about the extent of it. Frankly, I don't blame couples who don't even put that amount of effort into it. Valentine's Day is pretty much as Hallmark of a holiday as it gets, which isn't to say I think anyone's particularly silly for enjoying it, but that I do think it's goofy to expect someone to care enough to celebrate it, much less hold it against them if they don't (assuming this guy indeed isn't going to). There's no event or milestone. There are literally 364 other days of the year you could celebrate what V-Day is meant to encapsulate without having lost anything.

    So I'd say if you do particularly care particularly about it, that's again fair enough. I'd just be the one to plan the occasion.

    As for the rest, it's really up to you to gauge. If you're looking at what you've got with him and can't notice any effort of his you can find appreciable, then I'd just cut the cord. But while your previous boyfriend treated you like a "princess" and apparently you've gained some kind of knowledge that this guy treated his girlfriends a bit more, the common denominator here is that they're all exes. People adapt their efforts and their attitudes, and it's generally unfair to compare.

  3. #23
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    I will add this. Two times men I'd only recently started dating sent me a dozen gorgeous roses for V-day. Both times -once in my teens, once in my 20s, I lived with my parents. I mean I gushed, I was so excited so over the moon -and honestly -I think my reaction overwhelmed the guys -yes they loved how I appreciated what they did but you know I was over the top about it. So there's that too. (I dated one guy for over a year, one for 6 months).

  4. #24
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    It's not entitlement, and it's not sexist or outdated at all. Yes, I believe that a woman should not be buying a guy several gifts at the beginning of a relationship. If you give give give to a guy at the beginning and are not getting anything in return, then the guy will get used to receiving gifts from her, and perhaps not give anything in return. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
    I donít believe a woman is owed expensive gifts in the beginning either.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    This ridiculous made up "holiday" has to be responsible for more fights and disappointments and unnecessary breakups than any other day.

    What have you gotten him? What do you have planned for him?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    It's not entitlement, and it's not sexist or outdated at all. Yes, I believe that a woman should not be buying a guy several gifts at the beginning of a relationship. If you give give give to a guy at the beginning and are not getting anything in return, then the guy will get used to receiving gifts from her, and perhaps not give anything in return. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
    I thought you were saying he should be buying her everything and she shouldnt be buying him anything.

    I don't see why the need for all this gift giving regardless when it's this early. They should just be focusing on each others company and enjoying that rather than showing off their purchasing power.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Why are you assuming the worst?
    What's really going on between you that you are doing that?

    You also mention how he would take his ex out to restaurants and seems like you resent that. Does that mean that he doesn't take you out on dates? What's causing this resentment when it's barely been 3 months....... The underlying tone of your post is that you don't like and resent how he treats you. If that's the case, then maybe time to rethink this relationship. It sounds like you are spending quantity time rather than quality time together.

    I'm also a bit surprised that you haven't talked about holidays, how you both feel about it and your respective expectations. These things can be a big compatibility sticking point for many people. I can't think of any relationship where we didn't discuss Vday precisely to avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandings on either side.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I usually cook a nice dinner, and buy him beer. This year it's going to be an expensive bottle of Scotch. I go more all out than he does. Grocery store flowers is what I usually get. I'm ok with that. He makes up for it in other ways. I do it because I want to.

    I know lots of couples that do nothing. He might be one of those people that doesn't give a flim flam about this day. So it's lookin like some incompatibility here.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree with many others that this holiday does nothing but force women, in particular, to compare and have huge expectations. It also brings about entitlement and how materialistic things "prove" love.

    I also agree that you should be focusing on what you're going to do for HIM.

    But lastly, if tomorrow comes and it's not all you expected it to be and it means that much to you or feel that he treats you worse than his ex's, then end things.
    No one is forcing you to stay with him, and you will end up being miserable trying to force him to care or always comparing how he treats you and how he treated his ex's.
    If it's not enough, leave.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I remember dating a guy for almost a year and on my birthday he had nothing planned. Mind you, I am pretty low maintenance and wasn't in need of any`thing'. It wasn't the lack of the actual gift that bothered me. It was the lack of any minimal effort. I shared with him my disappointment and he could have just put a bow on a coffee cup. At least that would have been an effort.

    It wasn't this moment that ended the relationship for me. It was an accumulation of a lot of things that pointed towards the fact that we were not compatible. His birthday was a few weeks after mine and I won't lie, I did feel like I ought to pay him back for how he handled my birthday. But after some consideration I decided to acknowledge his birthday based on my set of values and not instead be passive aggressive to pay him back.

    That day, after I mentioned the coffee cup, he got his keys to leave to go the store. I asked him not to leave explaining that I didn't need the gift and what I wanted was the effort and that moment had passed. He came back with a necklace, yet set the box on the table and didn't say a word to me. His daughter did offer to bake a cake with me. That part made my day. But after the cake I left. The unopened box was left on the table like the proverbial elephant.

    I don't remember how I actually ended up with the necklace, but needless to say we aren't together anymore.

    So, if he doesn't acknowledge Valentines, is that a single one-off episode you can overlook or an accumulation of other things that might indicate incompatibility.

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