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Thread: My GF hired a stripper - Impartial advice please

  1. #1

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    My GF hired a stripper - Impartial advice please

    Hi everyone. I am new to this group and would love some impartial advise as im not sure if i am being a and over the top. I recently broke up with my GF. I loved her very much and we got on very well for a year but during that year she has been going through a messy divorce and her x still calls the house every day and is incredible controlling and constantly calling her kids and asking questions about me and what she has been doing. It felt like there were three of us in the relationship and I could only visit after the kids were in bed as he was still paying some of the mortgage so there have been a few issues. She also swapped the weekends she had her kids so we could hardly ever spend any one on one time together.

    She recently had a divorce settlement and got 80% of their house and half his pension. This upset me tbh although i dont like the guy this seems totally unfair and i was shocked that she could do this to someone she spend 18 years with although he did treat her very badly. I told her the truth about how i felt about it and it didnt go down well. We did get over the argument but last weekend she had been away with friends for what she said was a relaxing weekend away with the girls and after she was showing me picks of the weekend and accidentally flicked past a pick of a naked guy. I made her show me the pick and it turns out they had ordered a stripper to the house when they were having a party. Most people i know seem to be ok about it and think its fine but i couldn't handle it and finished it. I think if it was in a club it wouldn't have bothered me as much but in a private house with a load if drunk women i feel like anything could happen and i wouldn't have a clue. I have to admit i do have trust issues as i have been cheated on before and i always think the worst so this is a massive deal to me that she didn't tell me. My GF has been trying to persuade me to chill out about it saying im over the top for getting upset about it

    I would love to know peoples opinions on this. Am i being a jealous and going over the top or are my negative feelings about this justified. Should i chill out about it?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jbone

    She recently had a divorce settlement and got 80% of their house and half his pension. This upset me tbh although i dont like the guy this seems totally unfair and i was shocked that she could do this to someone she spend 18 years with although he did treat her very badly.
    I won't comment on the stripper. It's a subjective value only you can decide.

    As far as the finances. She could do this? Have you been through a divorce and do you know their entire financial picture? Because she didn't `do it'. .The courts decide and finances are community property. One person doesn't get more than the other. Whatever their circumstances, the court will see the entire sum gets divided equally.

    Your wording suggests though she was treated poorly somehow equates to her taking him for more?

    I wouldn't appreciate your opinion on it either. It seems you might be uninformed.

    You can be disappointed about the stripper. It's your prerogative. And you shouldn't feel you are part of a triangle. That's why it's advised to not date people going through a divorce.

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating?

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    In my opinion it is unfair for a court to award her with 80% of the equity and have half his pension and he only gets 20%. Yes i have been through a divorce and my x wife was very fair and we split everything 50/50. Just because a judge thinks someone should have 80% it doesn't mean its right. She has said that she pushed for more money because of the way he treated her. Its none of my business really but it would stop me wanting to get a mortgage with her.

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    About a year. We were talking about moving in together.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jbone
    In my opinion it is unfair for a court to award her with 80% of the equity and have half his pension and he only gets 20%. Yes i have been through a divorce and my x wife was very fair and we split everything 50/50. Just because a judge thinks someone should have 80% it doesn't mean its right. She has said that she pushed for more money because of the way he treated her. Its none of my business really but it would stop me wanting to get a mortgage with her.
    what state allows this, if I may ask?

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    I live in the UK, I happens allot.

  9. #8

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    It the stripper thing that really bothers me. Not sure why but it drives me nuts that she lied about it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Dating someone in the throes of divorce can lead to this type of confusion and drama. Were you going through a divorce breakup as well that you felt was "unfair"? Whatever their settlement is, it's based on laws and facts, not your feelings or anyone's behavior. She didn't "do this" to anyone. Her divorce settlement is her and her kid's father's business.

    The courts decide based on a number of factors, mostly financial, children's' best interest etc. Sadly it sounds like you are dealing with some baggage of your own that you've transferred to her.

    Unfortunately you seem quite controlling not to mention incompatible. Many women hire strippers at hen parties, showers etc. Not unusual at all. You need to stay away from her and consider some therapy to get over your judgmental mindset and jealousies.
    Originally Posted by jbone
    . I recently broke up with my GF. I loved her very much and we got on very well for a year but during that year she has been going through a messy divorce.
    She recently had a divorce settlement and got 80% of their house and half his pension. this seems totally unfair. I told her the truth about how i felt about it and it didnt go down well.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Everyone has different ideals and traits they want in a partner. There are also some behaviors they are okay with and some they are not.

    I think asking the question you did, opens up a discussion for lots of different opinions. Some won't think it's a big deal, others will.
    It really does depend on what you're okay with. What you want in a partner and what you don't. What makes you feel secure and what doesn't.

    For someone who would be okay with a stripper, to tell you that you're insecure and it's not okay...I don't think is fair. They are giving you their viewpoint on it, but it doesn't mean what works for them, will work for you.
    You are two different people.

    That being said, it really is up to you to decide what kind of partner you want. Are you okay dating a woman who wants to look at a naked man like this? Who enjoys this kind of entertainment? Because no, not all women do. I am one of them. I find it crass and not something that impresses me.
    Are you okay with her being dishonest and potentially hiding things from you when she feels you won't like it or have the same opinion on it as you do?
    I don't feel anyone should ever lie, especially to their partner. But not everyone is the same.

    At the end of the day, it does matter about all of these things and what you choose. Because all of it does affect your security, your anxiety, your happiness, you fulfillment in the relationship, etc.
    I don't feel you're wrong for feeling the way you do on these topics.
    There is no right or wrong...it's what works best for you.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 02-12-2020 at 04:37 PM.

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