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Thread: Casual sex and strong feelings

  1. #1

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    Casual sex and strong feelings

    I am 32 years old and met this 26 year old female on tinder 1.5 years ago. She had just broken up from a 5 year relationship and just wanted to fool around with guys, which was perfect for me because I was not looking for anything serious either.
    Sex was amazing for both of us, but communication was problematic right from the start. She would answer my texts after 6 hours or the next day. She always seemed aloof and uninterested. Even though she treated me like she didn’t want to see me anymore, she would always get back to me and meet me once every 1 or 2 weeks just for sex (which as I said was awesome).
    The problem is I started to develop feelings for her, and at some point I realized that I had never loved someone so much. I know it sounds ridiculous but she was the only thing on my mind 24/7 and I was crying all day long. I had been in long term relationships in the past but I never knew what it actually meant to be in love until I met this special lady.
    At some point after one year of knowing each other, I took her out for a drink and told her how much in love with her I was all this time. She said “you should be really lonely, I feel sorry/pity for you”, and she disappeared.
    It was her choice to let me go so I did not contact her again, until 6 weeks after that, she sent me a text at 5am (probably drunk and horny) telling me that she’s thinking about me a lot and she wants to see me again etc.
    So now we’re seeing each other again once every month or so and just for sex. I still have the same feelings for her and I feel terrible/miserable every moment I am not with her. In other words, seeing her is not good for me!
    Any suggestions? Should I humiliate myself again by telling her how much in love with her I am? Should I pretend I’m cool and say nothing and wait to see what happens? Should I just leave her? But I can’t just leave her!!!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When you have a FWB, you can't have the same expectation on regular communication like you would with a gf. That was your first mistake. Both people have to enjoy what's meant to be a temporary situation, and clearly you were upset "right from the start." How about realizing FWBs aren't for you?

    The fact that you think you love a woman that ignores you and has you crying all day, spells that your self worth is extremely low. Subconsciously, we choose who we think we deserve in life. You chose a woman who pities you, so this feels very right for you, in the psychological mess you're in.

    My advice? Block her number. Raise your self esteem by seeking therapy, or at the very least, reading books and articles on ways to do this. When you attain self-love, you will only accept people in your life who will treat you like the special person you are. Take care.

  3. #3

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    Thank you very much for your honest answer!
    By the way FWB was always OK with me. I have had casual relationships with lots of girls over the past few years without feeling anything, just enjoying the good moments.
    As I said it's the first time that something like that happens to me. I was never aware that human beings were capable of such feelings and thought that it's only possible in the movies!
    Cheers!

  4. #4
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    I don’t think she is a friend with benefits. You took the risk that you might get attached through casual sex. I agree with Andrina and definitely would stop meeting with her. Sorry you are disappointed.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Was she clear that it would just be hookups/sex? Is she involved with someone? All you can do is have sex but not expect a relationship because that's all she's offering. Is she an escort?
    Originally Posted by alex2020
    I am 32 years old and met this 26 year old female on tinder 1.5 years ago.
    She said “you should be really lonely, I feel sorry/pity for you”, and she disappeared. So now we’re seeing each other again once every month or so and just for sex.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Although FWB is a very common form of a relationship, it is not a relationship. And there in lies the problem.

    One person always develops feelings. Which is not surprising, when we really think about what sex actually is- intimate, sharing, pleasing, exciting... but it is puzzling that we expect no feelings to come from this repeated act.

    Further puzzling, to me, anyway, we then blame the one that caught feelings for doing so. When in reality, the one that doesn't is the more messed up person (for lack of a better term) IMO.

    I think its completely normal you would fall for this person. But, as others said, you seem to lack self-love, confidence, worth (however you want to phrase it.) to walk away, realizing you desrve better

    From what you have said, she has given you nothing but sex. She was cruel to you when you expressed your feelings for her.

    Why do you love this woman?

    Is it just the thrill of the chase and the whole psychological mind #_%& that usually gets our ego all up in our feelings? And makes us mistake our own void of love for love of another?

    It is not easy to walk away from feelings and you may carry them with you, until you fall for someone else....

    I know for fact, when we are lonely and have no one else, we all revert back to the catalog of past loves and see if there is any hope... that's why there are so many on and off relationships. We think it will be different. Its usually not.

    Thats exactly why she contacted you. she was feeling lonely and knew she could. she thinks she has the upper hand... she can and will drain you to feed her own emptiness, if you let her...

    the good news is, you are capable of feeling love. You just need to step back from yourself and see this situation and woman for what they are and move forward, choosing to love yourself more and put your hope on finding better. You certainly can... and do deserve better.

    That is one of the hardest things, letting go to make room for better. Its a leap of faith and hope you must take to get out of this situation. In the long run, its better to be alone than with someone selfish and cruel...

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    The fact that you think you love a woman that ignores you and has you crying all day, spells that your self worth is extremely low. Subconsciously, we choose who we think we deserve in life. You chose a woman who pities you, so this feels very right for you, in the psychological mess you're in.
    Very much agree with this.

    Try, if you can, to think about this logically. If you and I were hanging out 1.5 years ago, before you swiped right on her on Tinder, would you define love as something triggered by someone who is aloof and not particularly into you, who doesn't respond to your messages, who delivers constant agony, who only wants sexual collisions a few times a month, and who views you as a lonely sap? I suspect not.

    That's not to negate your feelings—love is whatever we want to call it—but for many people love is a feeling built by two people, not a movie scripted and directed by our brains, with another person serving as the projection screen. It is also the opposite of painful, but more of a soothing, sparkly calm that expands with time. If it feels like psychological punishment—well, I'd say that's not love, and that it is a dangerous thing to condition ourselves to equate feeling punished with feeling love.

    To protect your heart, and honor your truth, I would see this for what it is: a connection that worked for a brief moment, when you were both genuinely on the same page about it being casual, devoid of meaning. These unions tend to have a shelf-life, either fizzling out or flaming out, when one person develops feelings that are not shared by the other. I've been her. I've been you. Neither are criminal states, but they are not states that can coexist harmoniously.

    Admitting that, and letting this go, would be an act of self-love that, in time, will open you up to a version of love that is much richer than this because it will be shared with another human being.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You've heard the term `close one door in order to open another'

    This is clearly a case of you needing to get unstuck from this fwb situation in order to free yourself up for a healthy, equitable relationship. IF that is indeed what you want.

    As long as you keep doing this, it will continue to wear on your self esteem and you'll be too preoccupied to consider meeting other women.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by alex2020
    Thank you very much for your honest answer!
    By the way FWB was always OK with me. I have had casual relationships with lots of girls over the past few years without feeling anything, just enjoying the good moments.
    As I said it's the first time that something like that happens to me. I was never aware that human beings were capable of such feelings and thought that it's only possible in the movies!
    Cheers!
    As long as you know in advance that your strong feelings of love will NOT be reciprocated, then continue your casual sex with her. Since she is promiscuous, you should get checked for STD.

    No, don't humiliate yourself by telling her how much in love with her you are. You already know the answer. She's not serious about you and only using you for sex. This is the agreement between you two. Instead of "pretending" to be cool, not say anything and wait to see what happens, just be naturally cool and remain silent.

    Leave her only if you have expectations from her. If you don't have any expectations whatsoever from her and know that casual sex with her is all there is, then continue using each other for sex.

  11. #10

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Was she clear that it would just be hookups/sex? Is she involved with someone? All you can do is have sex but not expect a relationship because that's all she's offering. Is she an escort?
    An escort? Noooo! hahaha!
    I don't know if she's meeting other guys but I know for sure that she has daily contact with her ex boyfriend whom she refers to as "a good friend of hers". I know they spend a lot of time together and they do stuff together. She says they have been through a lot and they broke up mostly because sex with him was so bad and now they are just friends. But with all this contact that they have, I really believe that this is not a "good friend relationship" but rather a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

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