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Thread: Work Colleague

  1. #11
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    Thanks for all the feedback. I agree that my own personal life and relationship with my gf needs a lot of attention. I feel her behaviour had pushed me away to a certain extent and this new friendship with more work colleague was a distraction that I didn't expect to take the turn it did.

    The friendship has tethered on if not become an emotional affair. I am annoyed at myself for this. Should I have left my gf when all these problems started arising 4 months ago? I always felt oh it's just a period shes going through, it's work, it's the extra studies which she commenced then...

    I'm afraid I to an extent am holding a grudge about how I was treated up to the last few weeks when things have improved with my gf. Befriending this work colleague was not a retaliation but somewhat a release from the aggression and darkness that arrived in the relationship with my gf. I contemplated breaking up with my gf twice over these incidents. My appetite for the relationship was seriously damaged. It is repairing slowly....... befriending my work colleague is anchoring it at times.

    Would it be a good thing to perhaps take a break from my gf to assess our relationship? Reading what I have just wrote I feel quite muddled. I shouldn't be holding a grudge against my current gf if things are to work out in the future

  2. #12
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    Taking a break is likely to do little but further damage the relationship, really.

    I can understand why you want to clear your mind; I just don't think asking for a break from your relationship is going to bring you that clarity. It will definitely hurt your girlfriend and likely provoke even more hostility from her. It will rupture whatever foundation you two have rebuilt. And if you try to come back together, it's probably going to be even more difficult to reconcile your feelings for each other than it was before. If you decide to take a break, understand that you are taking a huge risk from which there might be no returning. Ask yourself if the risk is worth it, or if it is better to break up altogether.

    What you really do need to take a break from? This emotional affair that is brewing with your colleague. That is complicating matters more than you realized and making it difficult for you to focus on the more pertinent question of whether or not your relationship is still viable.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I doubt your girlfriend would agree that your emotional affair with your work colleague is "anchoring" your relationship with her. Quite the opposite.

    You can't have them both and be a good, upstanding and moral human being. So, what do you choose? Continue to deceive or be honest?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rolf12
    Thanks for all the feedback. I agree that my own personal life and relationship with my gf needs a lot of attention. I feel her behaviour had pushed me away to a certain extent and this new friendship with more work colleague was a distraction that I didn't expect to take the turn it did.

    The friendship has tethered on if not become an emotional affair. I am annoyed at myself for this. Should I have left my gf when all these problems started arising 4 months ago? I always felt oh it's just a period shes going through, it's work, it's the extra studies which she commenced then...

    I'm afraid I to an extent am holding a grudge about how I was treated up to the last few weeks when things have improved with my gf. Befriending this work colleague was not a retaliation but somewhat a release from the aggression and darkness that arrived in the relationship with my gf. I contemplated breaking up with my gf twice over these incidents. My appetite for the relationship was seriously damaged. It is repairing slowly....... befriending my work colleague is anchoring it at times.

    Would it be a good thing to perhaps take a break from my gf to assess our relationship? Reading what I have just wrote I feel quite muddled. I shouldn't be holding a grudge against my current gf if things are to work out in the future
    If you're unhappy and have since lost your desire to be with your girlfriend, then breakup instead of taking another break. Or, know that your current relationship is good with your girlfriend because she has ceased arguing with you and both of you are on good terms. Why not continue working on your current relationship with your girlfriend since your current situation is positive with her?

    Don't hold grudges otherwise you'll never heal from how your girlfriend treated you in the past. The only time I hold grudges if the following happens: No conscientious effort by the perpetrator to improve and make amends. If the perpetrator never apologizes to me, I'm ok with that as long as the perpetrator improves and makes a sincere effort to be compatible with me. There are times when actions speak louder than words so I'm ok without apologies as long as perpetrators behave graciously from now on.

    Learn to forgive. Forgive does not mean condone nor forget. Forgive means to move on including moving on with relationships which went sour in the past. Don't live in the past. You keep moving forward, heal, mend fences, start fresh and anew. Don't continue to stew backwards (hold grudges).

    As for the colleague, you need to remind yourself that you need to remain loyal and devoted to your girlfriend who is trying to treat you with respect. You need to remind yourself that your colleague is currently in a long term relationship and respect her significant other by controlling YOUR behavior. Enforce healthy boundaries with your colleague. Both of you need to stop being deceitful and betraying your significant others. Behave graciously and honorably even when no one is looking over your shoulder. Be a trustworthy, decent human being.

    Remain professional and polite toward your colleague. No more no less. If your colleague remains clueless then tell her that from now on, there will be good manners, professionalism, common courtesy, respect and politeness between you two and that's it. Work hard, earn your paycheck and focus on your girlfriend. There's no muddling here. Do what makes logical sense.
    Last edited by Cherylyn; 02-12-2020 at 06:39 PM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You sound, being completely honest, like someone who does not want to be in the relationship you're in. You want "take a break" to "assess" the relationship: what does that mean, really? I read that as: you want out, to assess your life and live it without her, and without the constant assessing of the relationship.

    Breaking up is hard, and probably, on some level, you are still looking for some kind of reward from her for putting up with her during a hard time. That's the grudge, the edge of resentment, and a mentality that doesn't serve either of you positively. Creates a system where no amount of present or future improvement can make up for the past, because subconsciously one person has chosen to find comfort in anger. Throwing in a "break" to "fix things" is unlikely going to be a path toward together forever, happily.

    I'd say you have to have a very hard and honest conversation with yourself right now. If you believe there is a chance for things to rebound, for this dark period together to be just that—a dark blip in an otherwise light story—then live that truth, and live it generously, not resentfully with a foot out the door. You could give yourself a time line—another 3 months, or 6, or whatever—and tell yourself that if this sour taste has not dissipated by then it means it's time to close the door. Or you can close it right now.

    Thing is? You can't seek sweetness elsewhere, which is what you're doing with this friend. Forbidden fruit. Always sweet, but never healthy. Given that your resentment is connected to unhealthy habits in her own, and how that affected you, it's best to dig deep and not do the same to the other. Sometimes that means recognizing that you're incapable of behaving how you want, in treating another person, even someone who has mistreated you, in the way humans deserve.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Interesting... It's your gf's fault she "pushed you away" and it's the coworkers fault "she distracted you". It sounds like you are simply a cheater who looks for the easy way.

    String the gf along because you are afraid of being alone and harass the coworker because you need a crush. Interesting that most cheaters tell themselves it's the partners fault. And there you go. Again the problem is this coworker has a BF. You are wasting your time with both of them. One is taken and the other you simply disrespect and hang on to.
    Originally Posted by rolf12
    I feel her behaviour had pushed me away to a certain extent and this new friendship with more work colleague was a distraction that I didn't expect to take the turn it did. I'm afraid I to an extent am holding a grudge about how I was treated up to the last few weeks when things have improved with my gf. Befriending this work colleague was not a retaliation but somewhat a release from the aggression and darkness that arrived in the relationship with my gf.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Interesting... It's your gf's fault she "pushed you away" and it's the coworkers fault "she distracted you".
    Yep. Beyond a surprise assault, nothing occurs in our interactions with others without our participation or consent. Figure out your own behavior, and the answers will follow.

  9. #18
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    You CAN'T just be friends with this colleague because you are both attracted to each other. But you are both not single. I would suggest don't stay with your girlfriend just because you can't have the other girl. If you're not happy, then leave. Can I also point out that her being attracted to you doesn't mean she would date you or you'd be a great match. I'm attracted to my male friend who was/is my FWB but I have no feelings for him at all beyond friendship. I just find him physically attractive only. There's a difference between having a crush and actually feeling seriously about someone.

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