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Thread: Typical reaction to stress?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    When someone loses someone that they relied on and seen as a support, or at least someone very familiar and someone they thought would be there for a long while yet, their world is rocked.
    They feel far less stable, they do have a lot more fear and they are now much more observant of threats that may force them to either lose someone else they care about or count on for support.

    That's typically a normal reaction to going through loss.
    Once you're already dealing with a significant amount of stress due to loss, you don't want to endure more, therefore you get anxiety over anything that might seem like a threat to cause you more stress.

    You're obviously very important to this woman. She sees you as someone stable in her life and now worries about you.
    I would try to have patience with it. She really is adjusting to her new reality and she's still fearful and has not found her footing.
    I feel for her, although she is an adult, it is quite daunting to feel more alone now, even if her partner was not the best.
    Oh yes, I can see that, I get it . I promise you I am being supportive -she's been calling me a lot to share with me her meetings with various lawyers, etc. Like I said it's a mess. I can see where even though he was awful to her they had some good years and have their wonderful son who is only 9. :-(. I mean she has people coming in saying they're going to remove everything not locked down like bookshelves, etc. I cannot imagine. You are right.

    What I am thankful for -she hasn't mentioned the former mistress bothering her anymore. I haven't asked. That was awful too. And even more awful after he passed away I saw some facebook posts and by crazy coincidence it's possible that I know her. I never wanted her to show me the letters this woman sent her -didn't want to be involved, never asked her name but I believe I know who it might be. But since he has passed and she hasn't surfaced in my friend's life, gonna let sleeping dogs lie.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yeah, right now her head is not in the best place. Poor lady. I can't imagine having that many stressful things going on all at once.

    I'm sure once her life calms down again, so will her mind and her worries.

    You sound like a great friend, she's lucky to have you.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Yeah, right now her head is not in the best place. Poor lady. I can't imagine having that many stressful things going on all at once.

    I'm sure once her life calms down again, so will her mind and her worries.

    You sound like a great friend, she's lucky to have you.
    Thanks Sherry - she is highly intelligent and high strung -I know, a typical combo!! So this plus sleep deprivation I'm sure plus a demanding full time job that is not that stable, I mean, wow. I'm doing my best. We hope for the best for her. It's crazy. Ex boyfriend/"baby daddy" died of natural causes but now it looks like he was taking drugs, too. And he was overweight plus poor health. She is middle aged and in great health and shape.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Batya33, I see parallels between your friend and my cousin. My cousin had loads of dire personal troubles galore. Since we were close as children, I felt it was my moral duty to be a big sister to her. I did everything for her, gave her endless moral support both written and verbal, we traveled 800 miles to see one another several times a year, I gave her a lot of money, handmade gifts, online gifts and showered her endlessly with my time, energy and wallet.

    I tried so hard to do everything within my power to love her dearly and I did. She had insurmountable problems as the sole breadwinner for two kids and a disabled, pervert husband. Her personality changed. She became harsh, tense, extremely belligerent, feared liability, used people including me, neighbors, friends and I finally caught onto her scheming, plotting ways. She told me that she only invested in all relationships based upon her needs and benefits and nothing else. My mother forewarned me that my cousin was dangerous. I had to exit the relationship / friendship even at the expense of the second generation (second cousins) and ceasing all contact, too. It ended ugly. It's a shame since we had good times for decades. People change due to their miserable circumstances. That's life.

    Years ago, our relationship was innocent when life was good. Now that her life is rotten, she became bitter and toxic. I have since fled. It's survival. I need to save my sanity and focus on my husband and sons.

    Like you, I feel badly and awful for her. However, I agree with your husband would even take it even further. In order to save your mental health, you need to learn to let go of your friend. Even though you feel sorry for her life, it's her life, not yours. You are not responsible for her life. You have your own life to live so concentrate on your son and husband. Focus on your nuclear family because at the end of the day, nothing else matters. Learn to distance yourself from your friend. If your friend persists and doesn't take the hint, you need to let her know both of you have incompatible personalities and it's best to go your separate ways. You are not required to give her long winded explanations. Remain gentle yet FIRM, steadfast, unwavering and absolute. You need to cut it off with her. Your friendship with her is unhealthy, disrespectful and abnormal.

    I have a local, very close friend. We get together once or twice a month throughout the year for shopping, lunch and walks. It's absolutely wonderful. However, we have healthy boundaries. We help each other, we're there for each other for moral support, our husbands are good friends and we're very considerate and respectful of one another. When she was in the midst of planning her late father's funeral, post-funeral and when her son had recent major surgery, I raced to her doorstep with home cooked dinners in tow, gave her an extremely generous Visa gift card in an encouragement-comfort greeting card and left. I did not linger. She brought home cooked meals to my house after I brought my newborn sons home from the hospital. She was my maid-of-honor, hosted my bridal shower and she and her family gave me a lot of money on my wedding day. Her family gave me great childhood memories while my broken, destitute family life was in shambles. She's been my BFF ever since we were 9 years old. We go way back. I've since reciprocated her and her family thousandfold (including her widowed mother and her late father when he was alive). We also give each other space and never bombard each other with relentless texts, emails, messages and voice mails. We follow the respect code. This type of normal, treasured friendship is the gold standard IMHO. We all know how to behave respectfully, graciously and honorably.

    You need to leave your friend alone. She's a grown adult and she needs to take care of her life while you go your own way, Batya33. I admire your empathy and compassion. At the same time, you need to realize from my examples which types of friendships endure due to mutual respect and common sense conduct. Any other type of relationship / friendship is unacceptable. Avoid energy vampires.

    Leave your fiercely independent friend alone. Concentrate on your own life from now on. Choose friends who know what common sense and healthy boundaries are. Stay away from the rest. Hope you feel better soon, Batya33.

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  6. #25
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    Thanks Cherylyn! I'll keep a close eye on the situation. I will never ever forget how when my son was 4 and my husband was unexpectedly out of town to care for his ailing parents. It was 5 degrees out. Too cold for me to walk my son to school a mile away even bundled up in the stroller. I so needed a break. She came to my home in her car with her 4 year old son in the back and insisted on driving us to his school. She didn't live that close by. She insisted so I could have a couple of hours to breathe. I mean - that is true friendship including the whole "oh it's nothing" attitude.

    So for reasons like that - and others! -and because I like her! - I want to be there for her. Already when she has over-texted me I've been polite but firm when I'm too busy. She apologizes -she is struggling with feeling so needy right now I can tell. So I am not going to cut her off. But I see the warning signs. Thank you and I'm sorry about your cousin!!

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    She apologizes -she is struggling with feeling so needy right now I can tell.
    This is what I was thinking. She is just very vulnerable and needy right now. And some times when the big things happen (deaths), we latch on to the little things because we can handle them better.

    It'd try to make light of it next time she brings it up, like "friend, you know I'm fine and let's not talk about my flight. but I have been meaning to tell you (insert some common interest tidbit here)

    Maybe she just needs reassured and soothed a little. Its gotta be super hard for her and scary about the future.

    Besides you havent thrown up since the 70's. You're gonna be fine.

    I actually prefer to throw up, if i have to... as Shrek said, better out, than in. TMI?

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Thanks Cherylyn! I'll keep a close eye on the situation. I will never ever forget how when my son was 4 and my husband was unexpectedly out of town to care for his ailing parents. It was 5 degrees out. Too cold for me to walk my son to school a mile away even bundled up in the stroller. I so needed a break. She came to my home in her car with her 4 year old son in the back and insisted on driving us to his school. She didn't live that close by. She insisted so I could have a couple of hours to breathe. I mean - that is true friendship including the whole "oh it's nothing" attitude.

    So for reasons like that - and others! -and because I like her! - I want to be there for her. Already when she has over-texted me I've been polite but firm when I'm too busy. She apologizes -she is struggling with feeling so needy right now I can tell. So I am not going to cut her off. But I see the warning signs. Thank you and I'm sorry about your cousin!!
    You're welcome, Batya33! Like you, I cannot forget utmost kindness bestowed upon me. I'm eternally grateful as long as there is continued mutual respect.

    Remember that you either accept certain people as "package deals" warts and all or you need to decide how much you are willing to tolerate from others.

    I love a lot of people in my life such as some relatives and in-laws. I can't exactly cut them off either. However, in order to protect my feelings (since I'm not a robot), enforcing boundaries are in order otherwise mealy mouthed brats say and write whatever their entitled, spoiled hearts desire at my expense which is a huge deal breaker for me.

    Thank you about my cousin!! I hope you will enforce healthy boundaries with people who cross that line with you and commit repeated offenses no matter how many times they apologize to you. Apologies are meaningless as long as there aren't any permanently learned and corrected habitual behaviors. There's only so much one can take before "Enough already!" IMHO.

    With others in my life, I simply part ways permanently. If they refuse to treat me with common sense respect, they don't deserve the privilege of being in my life, period.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    This is what I was thinking. She is just very vulnerable and needy right now. And some times when the big things happen (deaths), we latch on to the little things because we can handle them better.

    It'd try to make light of it next time she brings it up, like "friend, you know I'm fine and let's not talk about my flight. but I have been meaning to tell you (insert some common interest tidbit here)

    Maybe she just needs reassured and soothed a little. Its gotta be super hard for her and scary about the future.

    Besides you havent thrown up since the 70's. You're gonna be fine.

    I actually prefer to throw up, if i have to... as Shrek said, better out, than in. TMI?
    I had emetophobia for many years. Didn't know it had that name till much later. So the better out that in didn't help at all. It's not a phobia at this point but still an issue for me from time to time. She doesn't know that -I don't share that fear with most people because most people don't relate to that fear.

    Thanks so much for the input! It is so hard for her.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I had emetophobia for many years. Didn't know it had that name till much later. So the better out that in didn't help at all. It's not a phobia at this point but still an issue for me from time to time. She doesn't know that -I don't share that fear with most people because most people don't relate to that fear.

    Thanks so much for the input! It is so hard for her.
    Batya,
    I'm sorry I made light of it. Please pardon my ignorance. Hope you get better and no longer have to deal with this problem.

    Sincerely,
    Lambert

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Batya,
    I'm sorry I made light of it. Please pardon my ignorance. Hope you get better and no longer have to deal with this problem.

    Sincerely,
    Lambert
    No it's totally fine!!! So many don't know about it and like I said I didn't even know many others had it -weirdly I met people who had it during high school and college (and my sister has it but my parents do not). It's one of those things where you're not going to discuss it because it's gross and also as far as help -I'm not sure if therapists want you to vomit to get it over with and see it's not so bad. I wasn't up for that if that was the case lol.

    I still do get triggered. So if someone has a cold I'll go to their house. But not if they have a stomach bug or have had one very recently. Won't let my kid go either. (But it's all a matter of degree- obviously we can pick up a bug anywhere I just monitor the risks). A new facebook friend who just moved to my neighborhood wanted to meet the other day in her lobby since I was going to be right on her block. She'd had a stomach bug the night before. No, I didn't meet her that day. And my friend who doesn't have the phobia at all said -of course you didn't -it would have been awkward if she wanted to shake your hand, etc. Sorry if I'm giving too many details. In the last 10 years the phobia subsided. It started in the early 1970s.

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