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Thread: Bf slept with someone else before we were exclusive

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ouidanslecie
    What a scary yet fascinating thing.
    Why scary? Means your gut is finely-tuned, there and ready to protect you as needed.

    Was the ďoffĒ part a low-simmering sense that, deep down, he did not actually want to be in a serious relationship?

  2. #22
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ouidanslecie
    I felt so guilty for not being able to trust him because he has such great qualities (family oriented, hard working, very kind, generous, patient, understanding), everything that Iím looking for in a partner. But deep down, something felt off. I thought it was my insecurities at first but his indiscretion confirmed my gut instincts. What a scary yet fascinating thing.
    It's funny that you brought that up because as I was typing that response I was thinking that "something made her ask, some gut feeling, some intuition that something is off". Bottom line is that all those great qualities he presented weren't really true, more just a facade. His actions speak otherwise and show that he is seriously selfish and compulsive. Not good traits to say the least. Scary for sure, but yeah - you have good instincts, just trust them more and faster. Never ever feel guilty about that again. You dodged a bullet.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Why scary? Means your gut is finely-tuned, there and ready to protect you as needed.

    Was the ďoffĒ part a low-simmering sense that, deep down, he did not actually want to be in a serious relationship?
    I had this weird feeling that he wasnít quite sincere. I was anxious around him and I even tried to end things before we became exclusive but he begged me to stay. So I decided to stick it out a bit and see how I felt. I thought it was my insecurities coming out but I donít know. He didnít make me feel at ease subconsciously. I felt like he was a player. But in the beginning of a relationship, when youíre just dating, is it ok to be doing those things? I donít know. Maybe I was just too insecure with myself.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    It's funny that you brought that up because as I was typing that response I was thinking that "something made her ask, some gut feeling, some intuition that something is off". Bottom line is that all those great qualities he presented weren't really true, more just a facade. His actions speak otherwise and show that he is seriously selfish and compulsive. Not good traits to say the least. Scary for sure, but yeah - you have good instincts, just trust them more and faster. Never ever feel guilty about that again. You dodged a bullet.
    Yeah! Something did make me ask in the first place and I was right. I was afraid it was my insecurities at first but I think maybe we arenít fundamentally compatible? In the sense of dating/sleeping with multiple people at once and exposing your sexual partner to STDs and not letting them know!

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ouidanslecie
    I had this weird feeling that he wasnít quite sincere. I was anxious around him and I even tried to end things before we became exclusive but he begged me to stay. So I decided to stick it out a bit and see how I felt. I thought it was my insecurities coming out but I donít know. He didnít make me feel at ease subconsciously. I felt like he was a player. But in the beginning of a relationship, when youíre just dating, is it ok to be doing those things? I donít know. Maybe I was just too insecure with myself.
    Nope, do not start tying yourself into knots. If you had just randomly or totally casually slept with him, then yeah you can both do whatever with whoever. HOWEVER, you had a pretty serious agreement about sexual exclusivity, including both getting tested so you wouldn't be using condoms - this is not a small or ambiguous thing and yeah, he went and humped someone else because he felt like it despite that agreement and he put your health at risk knowingly and intentionally.

    Your instinct that he is insincere was spot on and really your only mistake was to question it and ignore it for longer than you needed to. Next time you get that icky feeling in your gut, don't question it just run. It will save you from a great deal of trouble.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Nope, do not start tying yourself into knots. If you had just randomly or totally casually slept with him, then yeah you can both do whatever with whoever. HOWEVER, you had a pretty serious agreement about sexual exclusivity, including both getting tested so you wouldn't be using condoms - this is not a small or ambiguous thing and yeah, he went and humped someone else because he felt like it despite that agreement and he put your health at risk knowingly and intentionally.

    Your instinct that he is insincere was spot on and really your only mistake was to question it and ignore it for longer than you needed to. Next time you get that icky feeling in your gut, don't question it just run. It will save you from a great deal of trouble.
    You are an absolute angel. I can go down the rabbit hole of what ifís but I saved your response into my phone so I can keep looking at it to remind myself haha! I will stick to the fact that we had a discussion and he strayed from that agreement. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out. *hugs*

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ouidanslecie
    I had this weird feeling that he wasnít quite sincere. I was anxious around him and I even tried to end things before we became exclusive but he begged me to stay. So I decided to stick it out a bit and see how I felt. I thought it was my insecurities coming out but I donít know. He didnít make me feel at ease subconsciously. I felt like he was a player. But in the beginning of a relationship, when youíre just dating, is it ok to be doing those things? I donít know. Maybe I was just too insecure with myself.
    What you're describing, all in all, sounds like a very healthy mentality for dating, connecting. It's inherently a bit nerve-racking, so, yeah, part of it is allowing for some space to observe whether any edginess you're feeling is the inevitable insecurity of opening up to someone new or if it's something coming from opening up to that specific new person, something out of the ordinary that they're stirring up in you. The same mentality is important inside relationships as well, as even deeper feelings and deeper history will invariably cause jolts to the emotional equilibrium.

    All in all, I think the important gauge is whether your find yourself becoming more at ease over timeómore who you naturally are in your own skinórather than less, so you don't mistake those nervy signals from your gut as extensions of deep feelings, deep connections, but rather impediments to depth, to being able to be your authentic self alongside another. Which, hey, is exactly what you did here, more or less. Subtract his actions here, and you still have a feeling inside you that doesn't line up with how you want to feel in a relationship. So bravo in owning your truth.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    My friends often gave me terrible romantic advice. One time they encouraged me to continue dating a man I couldn't stand just because he's extremely good looking. Before that, some of them recommended I stay married and just have affairs so I could have all my bills paid by my husband. Major eye roll.

    If your friends want to be in relationships with men who deceive them and who put their health at risk, let them! You value yourself more.
    One of my friends told me about a man I had doubts about but who wanted to marry me "oh just marry him so you can have a baby then divorce him" Ironically when she said this she was over the moon about her future husband. They married and had two kids and got divorced about 5 years ago -they both cheated.

  10. #29
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    I was seeing someone a few months back, who one night stood me up to have a ***** call with someone else. I assumed we were only seeing each other. He later regretted it (or so he said), and apologized, but it felt so horrible to me and it always made me think of him differently. Unfortunately you never get that trust back.

    I love this quote, "When a man shows you his true colors, stop trying to paint a different picture of him."

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    I was seeing someone a few months back, who one night stood me up to have a ***** call with someone else. I assumed we were only seeing each other. He later regretted it (or so he said), and apologized, but it felt so horrible to me and it always made me think of him differently. Unfortunately you never get that trust back.

    I love this quote, "When a man shows you his true colors, stop trying to paint a different picture of him."
    Thatís heart wrenching. Iím sorry that happened to you. It really hurts. I just couldnít get over it and was afraid I was weak for not having the capacity to forgive. He really took care of me and is the nicest guy Iíve ever met. But youíre right, the trust...no matter what he does now, I will always question his intent.

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