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Thread: Bf slept with someone else before we were exclusive

  1. #11
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    Thank you everyone for all your help. This is such a great and supportive community with honest and straightforward advice. Next time, I will date for a while and talk about exclusivity before getting intimate.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Eh I'd show him the door and never look back. He is that kind of a guy and he showed it you conclusively through his actions. The tears are nothing more than crocodile tears. When you are talking about getting tested and agreeing to be sexually exclusive and not using condoms....I mean come on..... to tell you that he just didn't know where he stands is absurd and insulting to your intelligence. He put your health at risk because he wanted to hump another chic. Plain and simple. Whatever his good qualities, this level of bad outweighs it all. It's not a character you can ever trust.

    He pretty much spelled it out for you - he was horny, she was willing and to heck with your agreement, he went for whatever he wanted in that moment. That's what cheaters look like and agreements, exclusivity don't stop them. If you were to stick around, there will be a next time, he'll just hide it better.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ouidanslecie
    Next time, I will date for a while and talk about exclusivity before getting intimate.
    Sounds like a great plan, an important lesson learned in the trenches of romance.

    It can be a tricky thing, all this, because for many people (men and women) it's hard to imagine exclusively committing to someone before knowing if they're compatible sexually. I can't imagine doing so, being frank. But nor do I think anything genuinely productive comes out of semi-exclusive and quasi-exclusive talks of the sort you two had, since it's kind of trying to give serious meaning to casual hooking up after the fact.

    How I navigated all that, when I was dating? It was to be clear with what I wanted in the more general sense: an exclusive, committed relationship. That was a personal truth that existed independent of any woman, not something I needed to excavate in myself by hooking up with a dozen people simultaneously and choosing the one with the best chemistry. Wasn't a heavy conversation, just a few seconds in which I put that out there and observed how someone responded.

    You can learn a lot like that, I found: some people got vague or antsy, while others offered a genuine "Yeah, me too." That provided a level of security to explore the connection, and to see how true that "Yeah, me too" was, without trying to create quasi-comforting blacks and whites inside the discomfort of the gray zone. It also removed sex as being the one the thing that defined the magnitude of the connection: weak if you're not in some way exclusive, strong if you are.

    I think you've made the right call, for yourself, and it's really great to have that level of self-understanding. Means you'll find it easy to connect with men who see you as you want to be seen, and let go of those who are incapable. This guy, for whatever his good qualities, is not on your level, not capable of seeing you as you want to be seen, or treating you as you want to be treated. Something tells me you were probably the one instigating a lot of those pre-exclusive conversations, which is to say that he was a-okay with things being casual, undefined. His actions, of course, showed that that was his most sincere truth all along.

    Best to listen to another person, and give time for them to show you who they are, rather than trying to extract information, or steer things into how you want them to look and feel. So, yeah, holding off on sex before you're confident in someone's intentions is a great model. Not fool-proof, as nothing is in romance, but it sets the plane for a much more potent connection, one where sex becomes a celebration of what you're building rather than the bricks and mortar.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Eh I'd show him the door and never look back. He is that kind of a guy and he showed it you conclusively through his actions. The tears are nothing more than crocodile tears. When you are talking about getting tested and agreeing to be sexually exclusive and not using condoms....I mean come on..... to tell you that he just didn't know where he stands is absurd and insulting to your intelligence. He put your health at risk because he wanted to hump another chic. Plain and simple. Whatever his good qualities, this level of bad outweighs it all. It's not a character you can ever trust.

    He pretty much spelled it out for you - he was horny, she was willing and to heck with your agreement, he went for whatever he wanted in that moment. That's what cheaters look like and agreements, exclusivity don't stop them. If you were to stick around, there will be a next time, he'll just hide it better.
    Thank you so much for your support! I can cry tears of relief. I was really conflicted for a long time and itís really nice to know that Iím not alone in how Iím feeling. Especially because people close to me said I should give him a free pass.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Ouidanslecie
    Thank you so much for your support! I can cry tears of relief. I was really conflicted for a long time and itís really nice to know that Iím not alone in how Iím feeling. Especially because people close to me said I should give him a free pass.
    I would be done no questions asked and trying to "label" it makes no sense -he put your health at serious risk and he betrayed your trust. I don't care if you were exclusive or not -you had a conversation where you made certain promises about sexual monogamy and he broke the promise. Really fast, too.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ouidanslecie
    Thank you so much for your support! I can cry tears of relief. I was really conflicted for a long time and itís really nice to know that Iím not alone in how Iím feeling. Especially because people close to me said I should give him a free pass.
    I think your instincts, intuition, judgement are spot on in this situation. A free pass is something you can give for some random spat you had. This is not a small thing, this is his lack of character on full display and you better believe what you are seeing and lucky you saw it early on. Some don't find out until they have marriage, kids, house, and so on.

    As for your friends, sometimes people closest to you can inadvertently give you the worst advice because it's biased. Like they see that you like him, want you to be happy and so....yeah....give him a free pass.... Please don't. Not for what he did.

    Always trust your gut.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Best to listen to another person, and give time for them to show you who they are, rather than trying to extract information, or steer things into how you want them to look and feel. So, yeah, holding off on sex before you're confident in someone's intentions is a great model. Not fool-proof, as nothing is in romance, but it sets the plane for a much more potent connection, one where sex becomes a celebration of what you're building rather than the bricks and mortar.
    I see that I may have had some miscommunication issues too and wasnít clear myself. If I like someone in the future, I will definitely have a discussion with them prior to getting intimate to see if they feel the same way. Thank you so much your helpful advice!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    My friends often gave me terrible romantic advice. One time they encouraged me to continue dating a man I couldn't stand just because he's extremely good looking. Before that, some of them recommended I stay married and just have affairs so I could have all my bills paid by my husband. Major eye roll.

    If your friends want to be in relationships with men who deceive them and who put their health at risk, let them! You value yourself more.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I think your instincts, intuition, judgement are spot on in this situation. A free pass is something you can give for some random spat you had. This is not a small thing, this is his lack of character on full display and you better believe what you are seeing and lucky you saw it early on. Some don't find out until they have marriage, kids, house, and so on.

    As for your friends, sometimes people closest to you can inadvertently give you the worst advice because it's biased. Like they see that you like him, want you to be happy and so....yeah....give him a free pass.... Please don't. Not for what he did.

    Always trust your gut.
    I felt so guilty for not being able to trust him because he has such great qualities (family oriented, hard working, very kind, generous, patient, understanding), everything that Iím looking for in a partner. But deep down, something felt off. I thought it was my insecurities at first but his indiscretion confirmed my gut instincts. What a scary yet fascinating thing.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I think your instincts, intuition, judgement are spot on in this situation. A free pass is something you can give for some random spat you had. This is not a small thing, this is his lack of character on full display and you better believe what you are seeing and lucky you saw it early on. Some don't find out until they have marriage, kids, house, and so on.

    As for your friends, sometimes people closest to you can inadvertently give you the worst advice because it's biased. Like they see that you like him, want you to be happy and so....yeah....give him a free pass.... Please don't. Not for what he did.

    Always trust your gut.
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    My friends often gave me terrible romantic advice. One time they encouraged me to continue dating a man I couldn't stand just because he's extremely good looking. Before that, some of them recommended I stay married and just have affairs so I could have all my bills paid by my husband. Major eye roll.

    If your friends want to be in relationships with men who deceive them and who put their health at risk, let them! You value yourself more.
    Yes! Thank you! I emphasized to them that my health was put at risk and they didnít think it was a big deal. Makes me worry about them!

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