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Thread: Bf slept with someone else before we were exclusive

  1. #1
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    Bf slept with someone else before we were exclusive

    We are both in our mid-twenties. A few weeks into sleeping with each other, we had a discussion that if we slept with anyone else, we would tell each other. And we also both said we wouldn’t sleep with anyone else. I brought it up because I knew we weren’t exclusive yet but I was worried about STDs and I wanted to make it clear.

    He asks me to be his girlfriend a month later and a week into being exclusive, I find out he slept with someone else a few weeks after we had that sexual exclusivity discussion. I was very upset and I told him I wanted to break up. He cried and begged me to stay, said he’s not like that at all and that she didn’t mean anything to him. He said he was just horny and he didn’t know where our relationship was going and he also said he didn’t really know me. I still don’t think that’s an excuse. Otherwise, he’s a really great guy and we clicked immediately with instant chemistry and I was really hopeful about him and our future.

    I felt like it was a breach of trust. Technically not cheating, I get it because we weren’t exclusive but we did have a discussion and he hid it from me. Did I do the right thing by breaking things off? Would you feel betrayed too? A part of me feels guilty because it was just so natural and easy between us until that incident. Also, once we were official, he turned down her advances as I saw thru his text messages to her when he showed me.

  2. #2
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    How did you find out? Did he volunteer or it or did you ask? Or?

    Get tested for STDs and do not have sex with him. Make him get tested too and to show you the official results.

    I'm thinking that this is not a solid start for a relationship. I suspect that you two want different things out of life.

  3. #3

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    This might be an oversimplified answer but it always works for me. I have a few questions I ask myself (when I have doubts about my relationship) and if most of the answers are in the affirmative, I keep on without looking back.

    (I've been married 9 years now by the way and I have 3 kids... And yes, those doubts still creep in once in a while)

    1. Do you love him?
    2. Can you live with his inadequacies? (These faults are like bed bugs, where there's one, there's more)
    3. Is he putting enough efforts into making the relationship work? (Does he give excuses for your genuine concerns or does he try to improve?)

    Now spin the question around and ask yourself:
    1. Do you thinks he loves you? (From his actions not his words)
    2. Can he live with your inadequacies?
    3. Are you putting enough efforts into making the relationship work? (Do you give excuses for his genuine concerns or does you try to improve?)

    No, there aren't anyone out there that's perfect for anyone, there's only those you care enough about to put in the effort required to work through whatever nuances (of varying degrees) s/he has got. And God help us, "nuances" is such an understatement but that's how you've gotta see it if lasting relationship is your goal.

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    I asked him and he told me the truth. He said he didn't want to start off our relationship with lies. If I hadn't asked him, he would have never told me but he also could've lied and he didn't.

    Oh another thing, when we had the sexual exclusivity talk, I had us both get tested so that we could be intimate without a condom. So when he went off and slept with someone else after we had that discussion and after getting tested, it was a double whammy. He told me he used a condom with her...

    Yeah, I'm sad that that happened because it seemed like there was so much potential for us.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by isamwise
    This might be an oversimplified answer but it always works for me. I have a few questions I ask myself (when I have doubts about my relationship) and if most of the answers are in the affirmative, I keep on without looking back.

    (I've been married 9 years now by the way and I have 3 kids... And yes, those doubts still creep in once in a while)

    1. Do you love him?
    2. Can you live with his inadequacies? (These faults are like bed bugs, where there's one, there's more)
    3. Is he putting enough efforts into making the relationship work? (Does he give excuses for your genuine concerns or does he try to improve?)

    Now spin the question around and ask yourself:
    1. Do you thinks he loves you? (From his actions not his words)
    2. Can he live with your inadequacies?
    3. Are you putting enough efforts into making the relationship work? (Do you give excuses for his genuine concerns or does you try to improve?)

    No, there aren't anyone out there that's perfect for anyone, there's only those you care enough about to put in the effort required to work through whatever nuances (of varying degrees) s/he has got. And God help us, "nuances" is such an understatement but that's how you've gotta see it if lasting relationship is your goal.
    He was really trying. He was very open with me, gave me all his passwords, etc. But I just can't get over it. It hurts too much but then I feel guilty because is it a weakness that I can't forgive and forget? He's otherwise a great person but I just don't have the capacity to forgive ):

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    he turned down her advances as I saw thru his text messages to her when he showed me. So when you say "advances," then he continued to receive texts from her, and even though he turned her down, he didn't block her the first time she flirted? That's a red flag on top of him putting you at risk for STDs, because condoms aren't full-proof against them.

    It's like you're trying to have someone else try to convince you to stay with him because of his good traits.

    That's a decision you'll have to make. Whether it was a dealbreaker or not.

    As for me, I'm the type of person that when I'm excited about a particular guy, even when I first start dating him, I have no desire to multi date. My husband felt the same way when we first started dating, and it was very comforting to know we were on the same page.

    You say you don't have the capacity to forgive, so its no great issue if you want to let a guy go who you've only known a few months. Most people do have some good traits. It's not like you'll never find another man with good traits again. It will free you to be with someone who maybe matches your dating needs better. In the future, maybe you'll want to date a little longer and hold off on having sex until you know more about a guy and how he operates.

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    he turned down her advances as I saw thru his text messages to her when he showed me. So when you say "advances," then he continued to receive texts from her, and even though he turned her down, he didn't block her the first time she flirted? That's a red flag on top of him putting you at risk for STDs, because condoms aren't full-proof against them.

    It's like you're trying to have someone else try to convince you to stay with him because of his good traits.

    That's a decision you'll have to make. Whether it was a dealbreaker or not.

    As for me, I'm the type of person that when I'm excited about a particular guy, even when I first start dating him, I have no desire to multi date. My husband felt the same way when we first started dating, and it was very comforting to know we were on the same page.

    You say you don't have the capacity to forgive, so its no great issue if you want to let a guy go who you've only known a few months. Most people do have some good traits. It's not like you'll never find another man with good traits again. It will free you to be with someone who maybe matches your dating needs better. In the future, maybe you'll want to date a little longer and hold off on having sex until you know more about a guy and how he operates.
    Thank you for this. I was feeling so guilty for wanting to let him go because of his qualities but I know myself, I can't trust him anymore. Also, my friends say it was before we were exclusive so basically, it was ok in their eyes, which made me feel even more conflicted. But you're right. I felt that I only wanted to be with him even while we were dating and I want someone to feel that way about me, too, just like you and your husband. Thank you!

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Ouidanslecie
    Also, my friends say it was before we were exclusive so basically, it was ok in their eyes, which made me feel even more conflicted.
    Eh, it was after your conversation about sexual exclusivity, though. That's an important point, because it involves putting your trust in someone not to gamble with your health, either.

    In the end, it's not a decision for your friends to make. They can weigh in, of course, but if you're feeling this upset about it, it's your prerogative to end it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ouidanslecie
    . I felt that I only wanted to be with him even while we were dating and I want someone to feel that way about me, too,
    It still amuses me about how things have changed in the dating world.

    These days, people tend to hump a bunch of people until they like one of them enough to suggest being together, they throw out a semi-exclusivity suggestion, followed by actual exclusivity statement some time later. At which time, it all caves in because of something that happened before the actual exclusive line, when everyone was sleeping with a bunch of people, during the time of maybe sort of but not actual exclusivity.

    To make a guy feel like the above about you... Don't sleep with him too soon.

    For a girl, sex creates oxytocin, which is a hormone that connects you to the person you are sleeping with, begins growing a bond and a feeling of closeness.
    For a guy sex creates an orgasm, a sense of relief and a willingness to agree to whatever to increase the changes of having a future orgasm.

    So, date the guy, seek exclusivity, then hump him madly.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You did the right thing. Talk is cheap and in this guys case the exclusive discussion was to hookup and his admission about sleeping around was to precipitate a breakup. The good part is now you know what the anatomy of a jerk looks like .

    Get to a doctor/clinic for STD texting. Do not have sex until you know the results, use protection. Have the exclusive conversation and make sure you are dating a while before sex and don't bother with kiss-and-tell stories.
    Originally Posted by Ouidanslecie
    A few weeks into sleeping with each other, we had a discussion that if we slept with anyone else, we would tell each other. I brought it up because I knew we weren’t exclusive yet but I was worried about STDs and I wanted to make it clear. I find out he slept with someone else a few weeks after we had that sexual exclusivity discussion.

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