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Thread: I probably know the answer, but...

  1. #1
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    I probably know the answer, but...

    This is a follow up to an earlier post, end of last year.

    I've been with someone for three years+, we were very close , went on holidays, looked at moving in together. It seemed to be cooling a bit because we both had new jobs, then at Christmas it ended - not finally and obviously, she just said she didn't know what she wanted any more and broke contact except for a few texts. It hurt me really badly.

    We talked a little after Christmas because of practical things (I still have a lot to of stuff round at her house.) the long and the short of it is that she says she's dealing with changes at work, and with the fact that her youngest daughter has moved out to go to university. So it's not that she doesn't want to be with me, just that she wants to be on her own for a while.

    Part of me is thinking 'OK, I get that.' But another part of me is saying 'so the what? Being alone is one thing - it's understandable and I would have been supportive. But just ghosting someone after three years is really selfish and callous.'

    Obviously, I've not moved on, and I'm still trying to get my head around what's happened. But - do people here think that her way and of dealing with the changes in her situation are - well - odd? I get a bit quiet when I'm going through a bad time but I'd never say 'let's just be friends until I figure this out' to a truly significant other.

    For the record- I've sort of given up on the relationship anyway and started looking to date other women. It wasn't what I wanted but I think at least talking to other ladies might make me feel a bit more human again.

    Just trying to get some perspective here.

  2. #2
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    I remember your original thread. You were given lots of good advice but i think it's fallen on deaf ears.

    What is it you would like to hear?

    Your situation has panned out exactly the way we thought it would and i am sorry to hear that.

    She should be blocked and deleted by now. There is no future with her for you because she doesn't want one with you.

    She's either letting you down gently or stringing you along. Neither mean she wants to be with you.

    The simple fact that she ghosted you after 3 years should have sent you running for the hills and praising the almighty for you being removed from that relationship.

    Have you sought therapy for issues surrounding the end of the relationship? Being ghosted has caused you some issues i believe,which i can totally understand. To be discarded like rubbish is awful and i sympathise.

  3. #3
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    Yes, the advice was good and it's been tough to take it, but I have. I'm also in therapy about the whole thing because I responded to the situation so badly. I guess I'm just trying to remind myself that getting back into a relationship with her is a very dumb idea.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this.

    The way I look at people is that what we get from them is the very best they have to offer, at any given moment, so ultimately it's up to us to decide if their best is worth our time, patience, energy, heart, and so on. Keeps me pretty optimistic about humanity, while being realistic about the limitations of humans.

    How that pertains to this? I'm not really sure what good comes from a chorus of internet strangers telling you that her behavior is odd, or not odd, since neither of that changes how it's making you feel: confused, unmoored, unappreciated. That's no way to feel in romance, at least not for extended periods.

    From what you're writing, it sounds like she's checked out, hit the skids emotionally, and is in an emotional purgatory of sorts. This happens. Easy to sympathize with in the abstract—us humans do lose the plot from time time to time, and are not always able to articulate it in the present—but devastating to encounter in your shoes. The clarity you want from her, the certainty, the something—it's simply not in her to give you. Probably she herself does not know the answers to your questions, and in that she's being straightforward, communicating directly and explicitly with silence.

    Can you start to just accept all that as facts, rather than things to keep turning over in your head? I know myself well enough to know that "I don't know what I want" isn't enough for me to hang onto for long. Love, hope, history: none of that is enough traction with someone who is in the wind emotionally, and eventually I'll seek the comfort I need by closing the door, sad as that is. Seems you're at that threshold now, while half looking for a reason to keep the door open.

    You'll close it when you're ready, and for your spirit I hope that's sooner than later.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I can somewhat relate even though my story is not the same exact story as yours.

    I've noticed whether myself or universally among many people, that relationships tend to ebb and flow depending on one's circumstances. Relationships go swimmingly well until one's personal life is abnormal meaning life altering changes which are either shocking, mind numbing or both, unfortunately. In other words, when life isn't as smooth as gravy, there's lack of brain space and energy to be otherwise kind in a relationship. Causes could be from empty nest syndrome, money woes, miserable job situation, lack of employment, death, sickness, other relationship problems you don't know of and even birth even though it's a happy event. People become preoccupied with what comes first in their lives even if it's at the expense of relationships with you. This is human nature.

    You don't have to make rhyme nor reason out of it. It is what it is. Whenever overall moods are fantastic, naturally, people are lighthearted and can devote energy, time and resources into relationships or friendships. Then when life throws a person curve balls, their troubles are their priority focus. Priorities have since shifted 180 degrees much to your chagrin. It happens.

    I'm just as guilty of it. I've dropped various people including relatives, in-laws and friends whenever I was consumed with troubling priorities. In my case, I drifted apart despite seeing them once in a while. My previous enthusiasm got up and left because I have more pressing concerns in mind. Then whenever life is on the upswing, I can revert to my former lighthearted self once more, become more engaging, initiate socializing with more frequency and life feels wonderful.

    Someday, when you're in crisis mode of any kind, it is then when you'll finally understand and fully grasp this indifferent mindset towards others. Your personal concerns come first above everyone else. I agree, it is an affront. However, this is how people are in general. Not everyone will be consistently nicey-nice during stressful times.

    Certain people will get the ax.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good you are in therapy. It seems she's been trying to tell you that she is busy and no longer wants to date. So that isn't ghosting. She may also be more ok being alone.

    It sounds like you never recovered from your divorce/last long term relationship and the sadness and loneliness got the best of you and added a bad factor into this relationship. You were in different places. She was eager to enjoy freedom, independence, working more etc and you were too eager to play house to avoid being alone.

    My advice remains the same: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Stdavid
    We talked a little after Christmas because of practical things (I still have a lot to of stuff round at her house.) the long and the short of it is that she says she's dealing with changes at work, and with the fact that her youngest daughter has moved out to go to university. So it's not that she doesn't want to be with me, just that she wants to be on her own for a while.

  8. #7
    Member proseyxi's Avatar
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    I`ll tell you something my grandma said to me when i was in a similar situation not long ago: however hard you try to squeeze a lemon, it would only give off that much juice. Most times people have so much to give and that`s fine. But since you need more, you need to find "juicier"lemons ;)

    In all seriousness, you really need to start listening to your needs and wants. They are not being met with this lady, reads to me that whole I need space, I`m busy, life is hectic etc is a bs excuse to remove yourself peacfully from a situation you don`t want to be in anymore. That is proven also by her following ghosting tactic. If she was truly interested in you or had feelings but is also truly busy she could:

    a. talk with you to arrange a schedule to spend quality time together
    b. meet with you and give you an honest answer about the two of you and break up with you in a respectful, adult- like manner.

    So, you`re single and it`s ok. Live life. Focus on you and do not rush to date or hook up so quickly because it will only dig you deeper in pain and mess up your moving on progress.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    oh StDavid... I'm sorry.

    I know how you feel. Blaming yourself, when this is truly her loss. You just can't see it right now, but life (God, the universe, or whatever you think of it as) is on your side.

    Life will work out for you. We must endure the bad times, the disappointments and heart aches of today and look to the future.

    Bad times don't last. You've spent some time and waited patently for this woman to figure her stuff out. You owe nothing and you can't wait anymore for what she owed you. When you really think about it, the dynamic of the relationship has changed. You are the one that deserves better and you need to remember that.

    Its time to put any of her stuff in a box and bury it in the garage (or wherever). Focus on yourself. Find happiness in your own interests. Dating isn't a bad idea, but you stay focused on you.

    hoping, praying, visualizing your future, letting this go, to make room for better is a better use of your energy.

    no ill will, letting go with peace, that your path goes on without her. And thats ok! You have your own future to create....
    Last edited by Lambert; 02-14-2020 at 05:51 PM. Reason: typos!


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