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Thread: New relationship- donít know what to do! Help!

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Feb 2020

    New relationship- donít know what to do! Help!

    BEFORE I START, apologies to any english errors I make - I am the worst when it comes to writing so sorry for that. Also, I think I am relatively young hence I would probably sound stupid so feel free to critisise. This is also my first relationship hence I would be grateful for any helpful advice. Letís cut the chase. Iím currently dating a guy for almost a year now,. Heís a year younger than me and he just finished his senior year of highschool entering college. We started out as friends, we are both shy, antisocial people who connected on common interests/experiences. He was my first guy friend- during my teen years I did not really like being friends with guys because I was scared of falling in love sort of situation so I never went any deeper than aquaintance- level with guys. But guess what it happened anywayy :(. He is a kind guy and by kind I mean kind to everyone, sweet, sincere yet a little insecure, a little shy and sheltered. I fell in love with him because I felt a sense of connection with him during our friendship and his kind heart. Knowing he also liked me, I eventually asked him out and hence now im dating him- itís been almost a year. I love him still. Happy with his company. However, I canít help but feel doubt on whether I can see a future with him. I donít know if itís too early for me to think that being 19. I donít intend to date unless it is on a long term basis, where I can see a future- otherwise waste of time right? I canít imagine him being able to contribute if we were to have a family or just ias the relationship develops. Not to be rude but he is indecisive, seems to not have a mind of his own, does not have much ambition, very rarely shows initiative and most of the time I feel like I have to show him how to do things/ do things for him. He is very sheltered growing up in the family being a single child and a male at that. I find myself also to be sheltered with still needing parents permission to go out and etc. however I think he is a lot more sheltered than I am. Im not sure if this is something that will eventually dissolve overtime through maturity hence I donít know if I should gamble on that. Should I take a break? Would a break resolve anything? Should I wait it out? Should I help him grow? Give him advice? Or as much as I donít want it to happen- break up? I do love him still but honestly he loves me so much that I donít have the heart to tell him any of this. I want to make it work. I have tried to help him mature a little by telling him to make his decision and to stop putting thins off. What should I do? What should I be thinking? What would you do? Please help :(.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Ok it's fine to date and enjoy someone. Relax. You are thinking too far in advance. Is he going away to college? Are you in college? Why not develop yourself by focusing on your education, career, sports, clubs, groups, interests and learning financial independence. It's not your job to make an 18 y/o boy into a future husband or re-raise him. Learn right now that fixing, changing, pushing guys, etc is very wrong and not your place.

    Start by getting part time work and paying for your own things, car, phone etc. Then focus on saving for an apt or house share with others. All these things need to be in place before you consider trying to tie down an 18 y/o boy just out of high school and remake him into your future husband. If you have a lot of anxiety about this, talk to your parents and ask them to take you to a therapist.
    Originally Posted by elise222
    Heís a year younger than me and he just finished his senior year of highschool entering college. I eventually asked him out and hence now im dating him- itís been almost a year. I donít know if itís too early for me to think that being 19. I canít imagine him being able to contribute if we were to have a family or just ias the relationship develops.Should I help him grow? Give him advice?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    One of my dear friend's daughters married at 17, first baby at 19, second at 21 or so. Anyway her husband is only two years older and he works very hard at his own business and is extremely ambitious -always was. It's not really about age and it's not your job to help him grow -nor is it relevant that he's an only child -my husband is and my son is (son is only 10) - husband was always ambitious and hard working and driven despite having a lot of attention from his parents. If he needs help growing he will choose to get that help. It's not up to you and it's a real turn off if you become his therapist/mom.

    Think about it -you had to ask him out. He knew you forever and you had to ask him out. A clue to his personality -he is indecisive and unmotivated right? He rarely shows initiative, right? Well you asking him out is kind of consistent with those traits right? So here goes -what you see is what you get right now. Yes he might mature, change, grow over the next 10 years or so but I wouldn't wait around for that.
    I would end things now because you are looking for forever right now. So waiting for years on the remote possibility he will want to help himself doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I think his traits will wear on you more and more and be a real turn off. I'm sorry!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Well I'm thinking a few things here...One is you guys are still very young so maybe it's actually OK for your boyfriend not to know 100% what he wants to do with himself yet and he is still figuring himself out. I mean, he is not completely without ambition because he's actually going to college. I think it's probably too early for you to see if he's going to be ambitious because he hasn't finished school yet or got his college degree.

    But on the other hand I still think that it's possible to find someone incompatible and be questioning your future even at a young age. You are right in saying that if you don't see a future, it is a waste of time. By future it doesn't actually mean marriage but just means you see yourself with that person in future. Like two years down the track you hope you are still together. If you don't see that then I think it means you have doubts.

    Keep in mind too that on average women mentally mature faster than men (sorry men! lol) So him being a year younger than you might mean you are actually at fairly different stages mentally and experience wise. I mean, he is still at school, you are in college. If you're looking for things like maturity and ambition, and even maybe future marriage, you may need to be with guys a bit older than you even. Like 19-22 year old guys.

    The other thing is that I think personality overall doesn't change so if there are aspects of his personality that don't suit you then ultimately he'll always be the same person. I dated a guy when we were both 18 and he was very introverted, shy and had no ambition. I reconnected with him in our mid 20's and he was actually still exactly the same at that age too! I think ultimately people don't change in their core personality.


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