Jump to content

I feel alone, I live in a strange new town and everyone hates me


Libi

Recommended Posts

About a year and a half ago, I got into a higher education graduate school program in a neighboring state. So, I moved from the one place I called home my entire life ( a big city), to an unfamiliar place (a very small city, but where I'm from people just call a small town). Ever since I got here I've been feeling a sense of exclusion and isolation. Honestly, I don't think I've ever felt more alone (which is crazy to me considering I moved from a large city to a smaller town). My class has about 30-40 people (98% girls), but even a year and a half later into this program, I get the pretty strong impression that I am not liked by the majortiy of them. I felt it pretty much right off the bat, so, since my hometown is decently close to where I moved, I've been visiting home every weekend.

 

I'm going to explain why I feel so alone but there's some background information needed:

 

In the beginning, I moved in with one of my classmates who I hardly knew. I had unrealistic expecations that we'd become great friends and that my class would feel like a family. I was very wrong about both. With my roommate, things were not working out and it was clear. She had a competitive nature and would often say things like "Oh, you haven't finished that assignment yet? You should seriously get on it "girl..". I felt a lot of anxiety living with her because I felt as if she was watching my every move and taking note because of these comments she would regularly make. She was also passive aggressive at times and instead of communicating with me face to face she'd often just text me about the issues we were having while we were in separate rooms. I felt super uncomfortable and I vocalized that. I also felt like we would consistently avoid each other both at home and school. Things never got better so I decided to move out and I was honest with her about it. I guess for some reason she didn't appreciate my honesty, or maybe I was too brutal in delivering the message, but ever since then things pretty much went downhill with the dynamics of my class. (As of right now, I moved in with a different classmate and I am more comfortable)

 

I feel as if people in the class took sides. A little over half of the class sided with my ex-roommate and they never really interact with me unless it's necessary and then a little under half of the class sided with me. Not saying any of these people actually said outloud "I'm siding with this or that person" but somehow the class separated into 2 big cliques. When I do have interactions with the "other half" of the class (such as during group projects or class discussion), my ideas are unimportatnt to them. They are disinterested in listening to me, everything I have to say or offer is stupid/incorrect. I've literally had one girl several times look me in the face while I'm giving my input, then completely look away and continue the conversation with others about whatever discussion we're having for the class, as if I didn't say a word.

 

I'm just having enough of this program. I feel that everyone's constantly trying to one-up each other. There is so much competition. There is a heirarchy in the class that is very obvious that the people who feel they are better than others essentially created. My class is full of legal adults, but most of them don't really act like adults. I honestly thought I was completely paranoid until my suspicions were proven right over this past summer when I saw text messages of people saying unkind things about me in a group chat (one of my friends in the class happens to be in it).

 

I'm not really sure how to deal with any of this so I've simply kept mostly to myself. I've been seeing a therapist every other week but It doesn't seem enough (but I can't afford more). I regret my decision leaving home. I feel more alone than I ever have. I don't have too many friends and the ones I do just feel temporary. I never thought that moving to a small town would be like going back to middle school. I'm tired of it. It's made me really question eveyrhting about myself. I often think that perhaps I'm the problem. Maybe there's something wrong with me since the majority of people seem to really dislike me. Maybe I say the wrong things all the time or do the wrong things. Maybe my city thoughts are too abraisive for this small town and I should just shut up. I'm halfway through but still have another 2 years in this program and I've just had enough. I can't stop blaming myself for being so isolated.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...