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Thread: is just post partum depression or I really don't love my husband

  1. #1

    is just post partum depression or I really don't love my husband

    First, Thank you Enotalone because you accepted me here.

    I will be very honest and try to be unbiased about my story here as much as I can.

    I am a married woman, I have two lovely and super adorable kids, a toddler an a baby. I have a career as a Virtual Assistant and I am earning a good amount of money.
    I decided to go back to being homebased a few years before I got married and decided to have kids. I met my husband at work, I wasn't really in love with him. I was in love with someone else.
    Our relationship blossomed from a one-night stand. And after a few months, we decided to be official. I soon moved in with him and then that's when I get to know him really well.

    He's not a bad person, tbh, he is a good person. But he is addicted to online gaming. When we we're not together yet, he makes time for me - call me, talk to me, ask me how I am..
    When I moved in, he didn't even bother. Everyday after work, he would want to go home ASAP to play online games and that would occupy his entire day before retiring to sleep. I hated it and I told him all about it.
    He soon got another job and I fell pregnant.

    Then it started again.

    He would come home, play games, and go to bed.

    Of course he is there for my regular OB visits but he would often just sit beside me playing games on his phone or scrolling endlessly on Facebook. I am not much into gadgets, I only use them for work. But I felt like I'm fighting a losing battle and so I ignored him as well, and literally drowned myself with work and more work and more work.

    He didn't bother saying anything about it.

    To me, that was my way of not feeling bad about the situation.

    Then our second child came.
    He gave up playing online games on the desktop and switch playing even more on mobile device.

    This time, he never talks to me anymore.
    We're like in a long distance relationship.

    I would take care of the kids and he would help but he still has his phone with him.
    He would be sending messages to his peers in the gaming community and having all the fun the world while I, lack of sleep, deadlines piling up, breastfeeding, has to take care of the kids.

    And it came to the point that I don't take care of myself anymore.

    Sex became rare and bland and I wold feel bad about it because he wouldn't even bother pleasuring me.
    He will just roll back to sleep.

    and I would pretend that it's okay and that I felt good. But in fact, I felt sick of it.

    Now, I don't want to talk to him.
    I hate seeing his face and I hate to see him with us. because obviously his mind and presence is elsewhere. It's like a shell.

    Someone empty.

    I feel sad that I choose this life, I know it could have been better and may be it's me.
    I don't know.

    I love my kids so much and I would die for them. But I feel like I hate their dad.

    I sometimes feel like a shell myself, devoid of feelings, but there are times when I feel so angry that I will just burst out crying.

    I hope someone help me.
    I hope it's just something in my head and that I am just exaggerating. I wish I am. I wish I am.

    But all I see is a man who doesn't care..


  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Have you ever told him any of this? Have you ever told him to put the $@$#@! phone down and be present?

    It comes across like you've put up with it in complete silence without ever speaking up or telling him what you need from him. Problem is that when you don't speak up, the other person assumes that you are fine with what they are doing. People can't read your mind. Don't be a silent martyr because every relationship will get poisoned by that as your resentment builds up over time over various unspoken issues.

  3. #3
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    I absolutely agree with DancingFool, have you TOLD your husband your issues? Have you considered marriage counseling to help your communication with him?

    But I don't understand your title -- you know you don't love your husband, you said you married him knowing that, so why you would expect to love him now makes no sense. Of course, that is not the best way to get married -- intentionally settling -- but now that you have two small children you really ought to try to make it work, but it can't until you tell him what you want and get some help. If after that the marriage is still miserable then figure out how you can be divorced. He has a serious addiction, you married him knowing you weren't that interested (which is a disservice to both of you) and you both have HUGE communication problems. These things can be worked through, but you need to do the work. Otherwise, just leave.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. What happened to the guy you were in love with when you decided to marry your husband.Is it an arranged marriage, just for the purpose of procreation/children? It seems the disconnect was there from the start. Is divorce allowed in your culture?

    Is he having affairs and talking to his mistresses? Get to your doctor and discuss what is happening. Get a referral to a therapist alone and privately. Discuss what is happening.

    Decide privately and confidentially if you wish to exit the relationship or not. If not, ask your husband to go to marriage therapy, but don't expect much change or any results. He'll just be more discreet, hiding things better, tagging alone with lip service. Clearly he already knows he's completely checked out (as you are) but doesn't care. This is and always was a complete disconnect/loveless marriage of convenience.
    Originally Posted by jstanthrmom
    I decided to go back to being homebased a few years before I got married and decided to have kids. I met my husband at work, I wasn't really in love with him. I was in love with someone else.

    But he is addicted to online gaming. He would come home, play games, and go to bed. he never talks to me anymore.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If you didn't have children, I'd just recommend divorcing, but for their sake, I'd give it one last try before throwing in the towel. I'd say: I want to be happy in our marriage, but changes need to happen for that to be possible.

    And then give concrete directions on what you need from him. Such as time periods during the day where the phones and gadgets are put away. What responsibilities you want him to cover. If he does this, reward him by praising him and being affectionate (I'm not talking about sex), even if you're not feeling it at the moment.

    If he doesn't come through, tell him you can't live like that anymore, and want him to go to marital counseling with you. If he refuses, show him the seriousness of your intent and tell him how you are attending personal counseling.

    If he still isn't being a good husband and father, get all your ducks in a row financially. If he's added on any of your bank accounts and credit cards, remove him. See a divorce lawyer.

    It's good that you have a good paying job, so that's helpful. Hopefully you've learned for the future not to make any major decisions like moving in with someone until you've known them a minimum of a year or two. If you do divorce, don't date for a good year as well. Your children need your total attention in transitioning them into a new way of life. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Have you ever stopped and thought, maybe he's going through something and all you are worried about is what is going on with you? His behavior is a symptom of something that is troubling him. You need to shift your focus on his feelings and help him through whatever he is going through...talk. Communication and not with complaints, will get this sorted out. Obviously there has been an emotional disconnect with the two of you and you are responding to it in your own way. It's very possible you are spending all your energy on the kids, and very little attention on him. Many many men go through this, get confused and upset how the woman of their children have changed the dynamic of the relationship in a negative way. So instead of complaining about his gaming, take him by the hand and ask him what's happening to him on his end and be supportive. That's all men really want...someone that supports them.

  8. #7
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    Dated a gamer and my dad's a compulsive stock market gambler. That gamer is my ex, and my dad has lost several millions and is flat broke.

    All the chances, the threats, the bail-outs, the love, the yelling, the ignoring, the enabling - they don't change, ever. They're addicts. Heck, if you get divorced, you get alimony and child support, and don't have to clean up after them ever again.

    Honey, you don't have post-partum; you have a giant lazy, good for nothing tumor.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    As you've noticed, just complaining about husband doesn't accomplish anything. In order for us to be helpful, we need to know what you want for yourself. Do you envision a life on your own without him?

  10. #9
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    You know you don't have postpartum -you settled for a guy you weren't in love with and chose to make babies with him. I mean maybe you do have it -not a professional -but you also don't love your husband and never did and so there's no za za zoom even to remember because it was never there - and now that you have to do most of the child care because he's off on his phone now you're grasping at straws of labels that don't really apply.
    I would do the counseling for the sake of the children to see if he is willing to decrease the time on his phone. I think people can help with child care while being on the phone - the cleaning part of child care -I listen to podcasts and the radio while I do the cleaning part, I'm on my phone or reading a magazine if my child is off playing with his friends and doesn't need me/supervision (I just have to be "there" in case). But if we're doing something as a family sometimes my son is on his phone (like at a restaurant- playing a game on silent)- but I try to severely limit time on my phone and I am transparent about it "oh I need to respond to this text - sorry" He needs to be present with his kids. He needs to show them that unless he is working he puts that darn phone down for time to interact with them.

  11. #10
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    Look I might only be saying this because I don't actually have kids...But I believe that if you're unhappy with your partner and you don't love them, you shouldn't force yourself to stay together. It doesn't even really sound like your husband helps you around the house or with the kids so the only help you really get from him is financial? If you leave him, he can still have the kids some of the week and pay child support.

    I think the video gaming problem sounds bad and yes like an addiction. I speak as someone who had to leave my fiance of 2.5 years because he developed a drug addiction and the only thing he cared about was the drugs. This is the nature of addiction, it consumes the person and they don't care about other things.

    It does sound from everything you've said like your husband is very pre occupied with online gaming. He has two children now and this should have been the point at which the gaming should have become secondary to his family. He's chatting to some random people on online gaming while he's in appointments with you and your kids? Why are those strangers more important? When someone has a family, that should be their number one thing. It sounds like the gaming is his number one, not you or the kids. And that's not right.

    Also you are not just a housewife, you have a job too. So because both you and your husband work, you should also share home duties 50/50. That means he doesn't just get to game all the time while you do all the work.

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