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Thread: Getting back on the horse

  1. #1
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    Getting back on the horse

    Hello. I recently ended a two year relationship about a month ago. It wasn't healthy for me and I moved on. Instead of wallowing in pain, I've decided that I'd put myself back out there and start dating again. I've got a meeting set up tomorrow to meet someone for a drink.

    Already, I'm encountering oddness. We texted back and forth for a couple days and made a plan to meet for a drink on Monday evening. We chatted on the phone last night and had a nice chat. This morning I get a text from her asking if we could change the date to tomorrow night because she thinks it would fit better with both of our schedules. This seems flighty to me and maybe a bit disrespectful of my time. Is it? I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking that part. I suppose it's kind of minor, so I'm not going to overthink it and just go with it.

    The other thing I'm wondering is when I go out to meet new people, should I tell them I'm freshly out of a relationship? It seems to me like the fair thing to do, but not sure if it's too much info. I'm still raw, but I'm open to getting to know someone. Your constructive and considerate thoughts are appreciated. Thank you.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    This seems flighty to me and maybe a bit disrespectful of my time. Is it? I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking that part. I suppose it's kind of minor, so I'm not going to overthink it and just go with it.

    The other thing I'm wondering is when I go out to meet new people, should I tell them I'm freshly out of a relationship? It seems to me like the fair thing to do, but not sure if it's too much info.
    Changing a casual meeting may or may not be flighty. I suppose if she does it again then yes, it's a pattern. But I would let this one go.

    As for myself, I would want to know if you are one month out of a 2 year relationship. I would wait until you two get to a point that you are discussing relationship history. Don't offer too much information unless she asks for it. It's important to some and then not so important to others. Let her decide.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you're really interested be flexible. While talking about a very recent ex/relationship is forthcoming, be prepared for many to ghost after hearing this, so it's a tough call. Keep things relaxed and consider it 'meeting people' without any pressure.
    Originally Posted by jul-els
    This morning I get a text from her asking if we could change the date to tomorrow night because she thinks it would fit better with both of our schedules. This seems flighty to me and maybe a bit disrespectful of my time. when I go out to meet new people, should I tell them I'm freshly out of a relationship?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Just my two cents, but why jump into something right now? A month out of a 2 year relationship seems awfully hasty. A person does need time to heal and time to somewhat mourn the relationship they've ended.

    I personally don't see it as wallowing. But monkey branching isn't good either. It honestly doesn't sound like you're ready.

    I actually do think it's fair to tell someone you've recently ended a relationship. But if it were me, I'd run a mile. It's too soon and I wouldn't date someone who had ended something that recent.

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  6. #5
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    I think you allow her to change the plan once. Not her business when you ended a relationship as long as you did end it.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don't see changing plans as being flighty or disrespectful. I see it as changing plans, a thing people do, or at least a thing I, a respectful and non-flighty person, have done a lot: with friends, with colleagues, with dates. For whatever it's worth, it took my girlfriend and I something like 3 weeks to meet after our first chat—work, kids, holidays, life. I'm very grateful that I was in a flexible frame of mind rather than a hyper-analytical one. Never crossed my mind that she was anything save a human being with a big, interesting life.

    When we're fresh out of something odds are we're in a pretty analytical mindset, a headspace sometimes referred to as "not ready," since we're thinking a lot about ourselves, and where we've just been, in a way that makes it hard to absorb the mystery of another person with an open mind and heart. Being honest, whenever I hear the phrase "I moved on" I can't help but hear something else, something along the lines of: "I am very focused on convincing myself that I have moved on." This is stolen wisdom, I admit, connected to something a friend of mine said to me a few years back when I was reeling hard from a breakup.

    Her: How you doing?
    Me: Great! I think I've really turned a corner over the past few days!
    Her BC? You'll have turned a corner when you stop thinking about turning corners.
    Me: (sigh)

    Maybe you're ready, may you're not. I knew I was ready when I stopped wondering if I was ready, or worried about whether or not the thumbnail sketch of my life would raise an eyebrow. There's no science, of course, and you know yourself better than us. But per your question about telling someone when you were last in a relationship? Well, put yourself in the shoes of the woman seated across the table. Do you want to date someone who is still "raw but open" a few weeks after she got out of a two year relationship? Would you be frustrated to explore for a few nights, or a few weeks, and then learn that?

    Alas, there's the Catch-22. Yeah, of course the decent thing to do is be honest, so people can know who they're sitting across from. Don't need to announce it from the get go, but these things generally come up. Yet you are already aware that your truth is a tough pill for another to swallow, if and when it comes up. So even if you have "moved on," you may be limiting those who will take the notion (and by extension you) seriously. You may also, of course, find that those willing to swallow that pill are not the sort of people you want to connect with or invest in—people who, you know, may themselves be pretty focused on moving on from something or someone that is not you but prevents them from absorbing you.

    Why not take a bit more time? If it feels loaded—if you're analyzing changed plans and wondering about how to present yourself—it might be because it's still a loaded time in your life. No shame in that, no wallowing, just the hand you're still playing at the table.

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    I don't see it as honesty -it's a choice to share or not. I think it's oversharing at this point. If she asks you can tell her the truth. Simply "I ended a relationship a month ago. I am ready to date." When a man I recently met asked me if I was going on a date when he asked me out again and I said I was busy that day but could another day I often would lie - and say it was with a friend -because at that point he shouldn't be asking personal stuff like that -he should assume I was pursuing others and/or going on dates. Sometimes I would deflect and say "I don't kiss and tell" or something like that. Honesty? Sure it's the best practice. So is not intruding on someone's privacy when you barely know them. Two wrongs don't make a right, fine as well. If I'd been asked when I ended a relationship I would always tell the truth.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I don't see it as honesty -it's a choice to share or not. I think it's oversharing at this point. If she asks you can tell her the truth.
    Agreed. That's why I said there's no need to announce it, unprovoked, though it's not uncommon that people ask some questions along these lines on a first or second date. So, yeah, no need to editorialize with things like "I'm fresh out of a relationship" or "I'm still raw but open to getting to know someone," but being straight forward is the only path.

    I like the way you phrased it as a solid model for how to handle it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    First of all, changing the date is perfectly acceptable since people are very busy with their schedules. If they're willing to work with you, you should be understanding and yield. Be accommodating within reason.

    If changing schedules and plans becomes habitual, then it is discourteous, disrespectful and taking advantage of your kindness. I don't approve of flakes anymore than anyone else. I release unreliable people because they're full of disappointments.

    When you instantly reveal that you're fresh out of relationship, you will tell new people that you're on the rebound. No one wants to feel like a temporary passing fancy in your life. Put your previous relationship in the past and start anew. No sense dredging up old dirt. Start fresh. Leave your past behind you.

    After you get acquainted and go towards developing friendship first and if she asks questions about your past, you have every right to remain vague and private. People don't have the right to pry. Be a gentleman about it and keep quiet. THAT is called remaining respectful to your ex-girlfriend, too.

  11. #10
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    Thanks all. Very helpful. Just to be clear, when I used the phrase, "I moved on", I just mean that I ended the relationship, not that I'm over it. I'm just going out and meeting people and not giving the impression that I want something serious. Just meeting with no pressure or expectation. If the topic comes up that someone asks me, or if I ask someone what they're looking for that's when I'll let them know where my head and heart is at. And as some of you had said, many will take a pass on that, which is fine.

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