Getting back on the horse

Hello. I recently ended a two year relationship about a month ago. It wasn't healthy for me and I moved on. Instead of wallowing in pain, I've decided that I'd put myself back out there and start dating again. I've got a meeting set up tomorrow to meet someone for a drink.

Already, I'm encountering oddness. We texted back and forth for a couple days and made a plan to meet for a drink on Monday evening. We chatted on the phone last night and had a nice chat. This morning I get a text from her asking if we could change the date to tomorrow night because she thinks it would fit better with both of our schedules. This seems flighty to me and maybe a bit disrespectful of my time. Is it? I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking that part. I suppose it's kind of minor, so I'm not going to overthink it and just go with it.

The other thing I'm wondering is when I go out to meet new people, should I tell them I'm freshly out of a relationship? It seems to me like the fair thing to do, but not sure if it's too much info. I'm still raw, but I'm open to getting to know someone. Your constructive and considerate thoughts are appreciated. Thank you.

This seems flighty to me and maybe a bit disrespectful of my time. Is it? I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking that part. I suppose it's kind of minor, so I'm not going to overthink it and just go with it.

 

The other thing I'm wondering is when I go out to meet new people, should I tell them I'm freshly out of a relationship? It seems to me like the fair thing to do, but not sure if it's too much info.

Changing a casual meeting may or may not be flighty. I suppose if she does it again then yes, it's a pattern. But I would let this one go.

As for myself, I would want to know if you are one month out of a 2 year relationship. I would wait until you two get to a point that you are discussing relationship history. Don't offer too much information unless she asks for it. It's important to some and then not so important to others. Let her decide.

If you're really interested be flexible. While talking about a very recent ex/relationship is forthcoming, be prepared for many to ghost after hearing this, so it's a tough call. Keep things relaxed and consider it 'meeting people' without any pressure.

This morning I get a text from her asking if we could change the date to tomorrow night because she thinks it would fit better with both of our schedules. This seems flighty to me and maybe a bit disrespectful of my time. when I go out to meet new people, should I tell them I'm freshly out of a relationship?

Just my two cents, but why jump into something right now? A month out of a 2 year relationship seems awfully hasty. A person does need time to heal and time to somewhat mourn the relationship they've ended.

I personally don't see it as wallowing. But monkey branching isn't good either. It honestly doesn't sound like you're ready.

I actually do think it's fair to tell someone you've recently ended a relationship. But if it were me, I'd run a mile. It's too soon and I wouldn't date someone who had ended something that recent.

I think you allow her to change the plan once. Not her business when you ended a relationship as long as you did end it.

I don't see changing plans as being flighty or disrespectful. I see it as changing plans, a thing people do, or at least a thing I, a respectful and non-flighty person, have done a lot: with friends, with colleagues, with dates. For whatever it's worth, it took my girlfriend and I something like 3 weeks to meet after our first chat—work, kids, holidays, life. I'm very grateful that I was in a flexible frame of mind rather than a hyper-analytical one. Never crossed my mind that she was anything save a human being with a big, interesting life.

When we're fresh out of something odds are we're in a pretty analytical mindset, a headspace sometimes referred to as "not ready," since we're thinking a lot about ourselves, and where we've just been, in a way that makes it hard to absorb the mystery of another person with an open mind and heart. Being honest, whenever I hear the phrase "I moved on" I can't help but hear something else, something along the lines of: "I am very focused on convincing myself that I have moved on." This is stolen wisdom, I admit, connected to something a friend of mine said to me a few years back when I was reeling hard from a breakup.

Her: How you doing?

Me: Great! I think I've really turned a corner over the past few days!

Her BC? You'll have turned a corner when you stop thinking about turning corners.

Me: (sigh)

Maybe you're ready, may you're not. I knew I was ready when I stopped wondering if I was ready, or worried about whether or not the thumbnail sketch of my life would raise an eyebrow. There's no science, of course, and you know yourself better than us. But per your question about telling someone when you were last in a relationship? Well, put yourself in the shoes of the woman seated across the table. Do you want to date someone who is still "raw but open" a few weeks after she got out of a two year relationship? Would you be frustrated to explore for a few nights, or a few weeks, and then learn that?

Alas, there's the Catch-22. Yeah, of course the decent thing to do is be honest, so people can know who they're sitting across from. Don't need to announce it from the get go, but these things generally come up. Yet you are already aware that your truth is a tough pill for another to swallow, if and when it comes up. So even if you have "moved on," you may be limiting those who will take the notion (and by extension you) seriously. You may also, of course, find that those willing to swallow that pill are not the sort of people you want to connect with or invest in—people who, you know, may themselves be pretty focused on moving on from something or someone that is not you but prevents them from absorbing you.

Why not take a bit more time? If it feels loaded—if you're analyzing changed plans and wondering about how to present yourself—it might be because it's still a loaded time in your life. No shame in that, no wallowing, just the hand you're still playing at the table.

I don't see it as honesty -it's a choice to share or not. I think it's oversharing at this point. If she asks you can tell her the truth. Simply "I ended a relationship a month ago. I am ready to date." When a man I recently met asked me if I was going on a date when he asked me out again and I said I was busy that day but could another day I often would lie - and say it was with a friend -because at that point he shouldn't be asking personal stuff like that -he should assume I was pursuing others and/or going on dates. Sometimes I would deflect and say "I don't kiss and tell" or something like that. Honesty? Sure it's the best practice. So is not intruding on someone's privacy when you barely know them. Two wrongs don't make a right, fine as well. If I'd been asked when I ended a relationship I would always tell the truth.

I don't see it as honesty -it's a choice to share or not. I think it's oversharing at this point. If she asks you can tell her the truth.

Agreed. That's why I said there's no need to announce it, unprovoked, though it's not uncommon that people ask some questions along these lines on a first or second date. So, yeah, no need to editorialize with things like "I'm fresh out of a relationship" or "I'm still raw but open to getting to know someone," but being straight forward is the only path.

I like the way you phrased it as a solid model for how to handle it.

First of all, changing the date is perfectly acceptable since people are very busy with their schedules. If they're willing to work with you, you should be understanding and yield. Be accommodating within reason.

If changing schedules and plans becomes habitual, then it is discourteous, disrespectful and taking advantage of your kindness. I don't approve of flakes anymore than anyone else. I release unreliable people because they're full of disappointments.

When you instantly reveal that you're fresh out of relationship, you will tell new people that you're on the rebound. No one wants to feel like a temporary passing fancy in your life. Put your previous relationship in the past and start anew. No sense dredging up old dirt. Start fresh. Leave your past behind you.

After you get acquainted and go towards developing friendship first and if she asks questions about your past, you have every right to remain vague and private. People don't have the right to pry. Be a gentleman about it and keep quiet. THAT is called remaining respectful to your ex-girlfriend, too.

Thanks all. Very helpful. Just to be clear, when I used the phrase, "I moved on", I just mean that I ended the relationship, not that I'm over it. I'm just going out and meeting people and not giving the impression that I want something serious. Just meeting with no pressure or expectation. If the topic comes up that someone asks me, or if I ask someone what they're looking for that's when I'll let them know where my head and heart is at. And as some of you had said, many will take a pass on that, which is fine.

Personally, I don't believe that there is any one formula for when you are ready to date. Can the the next day after you formally ended your relationship, can be a year down the road. It's all about your personal emotional state.

On that note, when you use terms like instead of wallowing in pain, I'm still raw, should I disclose the elephant in the room of my recent breakup that is clearly on my mind.... When a simple request to reschedule to a better time leaves you quivering, wondering if this is flaky bad news or not..... You might not be in any kind of emotional shape to actually date. So don't use people as a bandage for your raw emotions, fears, and damage from your previous relationship you haven't actually processed yet.

If you were ready to date, a date asking to reschedule wouldn't even hit your radar because you are emotionally stable and have your own life and things to do, other people to talk to, friends to hang with, etc. Dating is more of an aside and hey, if you meet someone who is really fab and knocks your socks off, then it becomes a welcome new addition to your already fulfilling life.

Right now....you sound like a drowning man looking for a life raft....and that usually ends with more bad decisions, bad relationships, bad experiences..... Being single is really not that terrifying and if it is....you need to work hard on building up a better quality of life for yourself.

Thanks all. Very helpful. Just to be clear, when I used the phrase, "I moved on", I just mean that I ended the relationship, not that I'm over it. I'm just going out and meeting people and not giving the impression that I want something serious. Just meeting with no pressure or expectation. If the topic comes up that someone asks me, or if I ask someone what they're looking for that's when I'll let them know where my head and heart is at. And as some of you had said, many will take a pass on that, which is fine.

If ALL you are really doing is socializing, then do everyone a favor and don't waste their time on a date that isn't really a date. Go on meetup.com, join some groups and get out and socialize and make friends and enjoy yourself in what is an appropriately noncommittal kind of an environment. People on dating sites aren't looking to be your entertainment for the evening.

Changing from one night to the next isn't flighty in my opinion. If she canceled completely and made excuses it would be! Though even then I'd let it slide unless it became a pattern.

I'd opt out of bringing up the conversation about your recent relationship. If she brings it up, say something simple that it didn't work out and you're comfortable moving on just so it's clear there's a chance at a relationship and not a rebound. Good luck to you!

If ALL you are really doing is socializing, then do everyone a favor and don't waste their time on a date that isn't really a date. Go on meetup.com, join some groups and get out and socialize and make friends and enjoy yourself in what is an appropriately noncommittal kind of an environment. People on dating sites aren't looking to be your entertainment for the evening.

No, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm open to getting to know someone, just starting as friends and seeing if or where it goes. You have a good point about me questioning her need to reschedule, because it's our first meeting. If she did that repeatedly, that would be a reason for me to question it. It just seemed odd to me because she at first told me her week was crazy and Monday was the only night she had available, which worked for me. I reconfirmed with her last night that Monday night was still good and she said yes. Then this morning, she said she thought Tuesday would work better with both of our schedules. Just seemed odd to me. Not a huge deal.

When a simple request to reschedule to a better time leaves you quivering, wondering if this is flaky bad news or not..... You might not be in any kind of emotional shape to actually date.

That's what I was thinking.

Who's quivering? C'mon folks. Let's not jump on the assumption bandwagon, shall we? Lol.

deleted. sorry

Okay, so maybe not "quivering" but if you were concerned at all, enough to make this post, perhaps you're not in the best place for dating right now.

I mean, it's something to consider before hurting someone else, right?

Okay, so maybe not "quivering" but if you were concerned at all, enough to make this post, perhaps you're not in the best place for dating right now.

 

I mean, it's something to consider before hurting someone else, right?

Of course. I'm putting myself out there in the hopes of meeting someone new and I'm not the type of person to bite off more than I can chew. Like I said, it just seemed a bit odd to me. But yeah, now I'm sorry I asked, lol. I am still hurting from my last relationship, but that doesn't mean I've lost my cognizance of how to be respectful of myself or others. I'm looking for someone to get to know and see where it goes. That's all. No expectations. But I'm the one who knows that, not anyone else.

No, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm open to getting to know someone, just starting as friends and seeing if or where it goes. You have a good point about me questioning her need to reschedule, because it's our first meeting. If she did that repeatedly, that would be a reason for me to question it. It just seemed odd to me because she at first told me her week was crazy and Monday was the only night she had available, which worked for me. I reconfirmed with her last night that Monday night was still good and she said yes. Then this morning, she said she thought Tuesday would work better with both of our schedules. Just seemed odd to me. Not a huge deal.

If you want to start "as friends" I don't think it's fair to be on a dating site. What does that mean? How about going on dates in person and getting to know the person overall with the goal of a potential relationship. If you feel like getting romantic/sexual and she does too and it feels ok then you do it - I know I declined to meet anyone who said "friends first" because to me that meant he had some kind of hang up about sex -meaning he assumed that people who date presumably get sexual right away and hamper getting to know each other in the ways that count. I didn't have casual sex, didn't jump into bed and enjoyed dating as a way to get to know a person I had attraction to -I didn't try to hide or trivialize that attraction of course -it's healthy and fun and fun to flirt and hold hands, kiss, etc. So if you are looking to get to know people platonically I'd do that either through meetup.com if online or through in person activities.

If you want to start "as friends" I don't think it's fair to be on a dating site. What does that mean? How about going on dates in person and getting to know the person overall with the goal of a potential relationship. If you feel like getting romantic/sexual and she does too and it feels ok then you do it - I know I declined to meet anyone who said "friends first" because to me that meant he had some kind of hang up about sex -meaning he assumed that people who date presumably get sexual right away and hamper getting to know each other in the ways that count. I didn't have casual sex, didn't jump into bed and enjoyed dating as a way to get to know a person I had attraction to -I didn't try to hide or trivialize that attraction of course -it's healthy and fun and fun to flirt and hold hands, kiss, etc. So if you are looking to get to know people platonically I'd do that either through meetup.com if online or through in person activities.

Yes. I am aware of all this. I am looking to date. When I say "friends", I mean just taking it slow, not rushing into anything. That's all.

Yes. I am aware of all this. I am looking to date. When I say "friends", I mean just taking it slow, not rushing into anything. That's all.

Right so I wouldn't use the friends term for taking it slowly. I took it slowly and there is no way I meant "let's just be friends" because I don't flirt with my friends or hold hands or kiss or compliment on their looks in the same way I would a date, or talk about what kinds of dates we can go on, etc. I also wouldn't do "let's take it slow" - just "be" - go with the flow -you'll know within one or two dates if she's looking for insta-relationship and insta-sex.

Right so I wouldn't use the friends term for taking it slowly. I took it slowly and there is no way I meant "let's just be friends" because I don't flirt with my friends or hold hands or kiss or compliment on their looks in the same way I would a date, or talk about what kinds of dates we can go on, etc. I also wouldn't do "let's take it slow" - just "be" - go with the flow -you'll know within one or two dates if she's looking for insta-relationship and insta-sex.

Yes, you're right. I agree 100%. I think we're getting hung up on semantics here, honestly.

Just my two cents, but: I don't think what Batya is saying is getting hung up on semantics.

In my experience—meaning in my own skin and colliding, sometimes more than metaphorically, with the skin of others—both the ideas of "friends first" and "take things slowly" are often euphemisms for skittishness, hypersensitivity, and emotional/physical thirst. Often some kind of combination of the above.

Heck, at one point—a "not ready" point—I think I said something in my dating app bio about being interested in "making new friends with the possibly of more." I didn't mean it insincerely, but were I to take a stab at a no-frills translation? It would go: "I'm all over the map emotionally and just putting in a little toe in the swamp. Down for a nice hang, down to get naked if the circumstances are right, maybe down for a relationship, but not down to get bitten, not even a wee little bit!"

Most women, of course, seemed to grasp my headspace, at least on some level. I found myself on dates with women who were skittish, hypersensitive, and thirsty. Women, you know, who mirrored my state. Like attacking like. Led to taking a break from it all, as I suspected I'd rendered myself a leftward swipe to the women I'd like to consider me a rightward swipe, and catnip to those I didn't actually want to be involved in. A few months later I was dating again, without all the caveats. I was ready to swim in the swamp, confident that I could handle whatever was biting in those waters.

Just stuff to think about. You'll figure it all out, are figuring it out. Darting is an odd thing, but there is much, much odder out there than a last minute switch from Monday to Tuesday. Accept that your registering that as odd, or disrespectful, is probably 100 percent a reflection of your own sensitive state (hugs!) and zero to do with this woman, whoever she is. Then go out and see what's what, being honest with yourself during and afterward about how clear the windshield is.

Yes, you're right. I agree 100%. I think we're getting hung up on semantics here, honestly.

I don't at all. Not in how I explained it and think of it and have heard the term "friends first" used -and the reasons for it. It never worked for me when someone separated "friendship" from dating in a dating context -as if physical affection, romance, flirting detract from getting to know each other. Usually means the person jumped into bed too fast too many times and regretted it. That's fine and if that's the issue I'd want to know - I preferred to be with men who didn't have casual sex -not out of judgment -out of common values (yes I could be friends/friendly with a man who chose to have casual sex but strongly preferred not to get serious with such a person or a person who viewed being sexual as somehow detracting from or distracting from "friendship".