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Thread: Getting back on the horse

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    If you want to start "as friends" I don't think it's fair to be on a dating site. What does that mean? How about going on dates in person and getting to know the person overall with the goal of a potential relationship. If you feel like getting romantic/sexual and she does too and it feels ok then you do it - I know I declined to meet anyone who said "friends first" because to me that meant he had some kind of hang up about sex -meaning he assumed that people who date presumably get sexual right away and hamper getting to know each other in the ways that count. I didn't have casual sex, didn't jump into bed and enjoyed dating as a way to get to know a person I had attraction to -I didn't try to hide or trivialize that attraction of course -it's healthy and fun and fun to flirt and hold hands, kiss, etc. So if you are looking to get to know people platonically I'd do that either through meetup.com if online or through in person activities.
    Yes. I am aware of all this. I am looking to date. When I say "friends", I mean just taking it slow, not rushing into anything. That's all.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    Yes. I am aware of all this. I am looking to date. When I say "friends", I mean just taking it slow, not rushing into anything. That's all.
    Right so I wouldn't use the friends term for taking it slowly. I took it slowly and there is no way I meant "let's just be friends" because I don't flirt with my friends or hold hands or kiss or compliment on their looks in the same way I would a date, or talk about what kinds of dates we can go on, etc. I also wouldn't do "let's take it slow" - just "be" - go with the flow -you'll know within one or two dates if she's looking for insta-relationship and insta-sex.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Right so I wouldn't use the friends term for taking it slowly. I took it slowly and there is no way I meant "let's just be friends" because I don't flirt with my friends or hold hands or kiss or compliment on their looks in the same way I would a date, or talk about what kinds of dates we can go on, etc. I also wouldn't do "let's take it slow" - just "be" - go with the flow -you'll know within one or two dates if she's looking for insta-relationship and insta-sex.
    Yes, you're right. I agree 100%. I think we're getting hung up on semantics here, honestly.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Just my two cents, but: I don't think what Batya is saying is getting hung up on semantics.

    In my experience—meaning in my own skin and colliding, sometimes more than metaphorically, with the skin of others—both the ideas of "friends first" and "take things slowly" are often euphemisms for skittishness, hypersensitivity, and emotional/physical thirst. Often some kind of combination of the above.

    Heck, at one point—a "not ready" point—I think I said something in my dating app bio about being interested in "making new friends with the possibly of more." I didn't mean it insincerely, but were I to take a stab at a no-frills translation? It would go: "I'm all over the map emotionally and just putting in a little toe in the swamp. Down for a nice hang, down to get naked if the circumstances are right, maybe down for a relationship, but not down to get bitten, not even a wee little bit!"

    Most women, of course, seemed to grasp my headspace, at least on some level. I found myself on dates with women who were skittish, hypersensitive, and thirsty. Women, you know, who mirrored my state. Like attacking like. Led to taking a break from it all, as I suspected I'd rendered myself a leftward swipe to the women I'd like to consider me a rightward swipe, and catnip to those I didn't actually want to be involved in. A few months later I was dating again, without all the caveats. I was ready to swim in the swamp, confident that I could handle whatever was biting in those waters.

    Just stuff to think about. You'll figure it all out, are figuring it out. Darting is an odd thing, but there is much, much odder out there than a last minute switch from Monday to Tuesday. Accept that your registering that as odd, or disrespectful, is probably 100 percent a reflection of your own sensitive state (hugs!) and zero to do with this woman, whoever she is. Then go out and see what's what, being honest with yourself during and afterward about how clear the windshield is.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    Yes, you're right. I agree 100%. I think we're getting hung up on semantics here, honestly.
    I don't at all. Not in how I explained it and think of it and have heard the term "friends first" used -and the reasons for it. It never worked for me when someone separated "friendship" from dating in a dating context -as if physical affection, romance, flirting detract from getting to know each other. Usually means the person jumped into bed too fast too many times and regretted it. That's fine and if that's the issue I'd want to know - I preferred to be with men who didn't have casual sex -not out of judgment -out of common values (yes I could be friends/friendly with a man who chose to have casual sex but strongly preferred not to get serious with such a person or a person who viewed being sexual as somehow detracting from or distracting from "friendship".

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Just my two cents, but: I don't think what Batya is saying is getting hung up on semantics.

    In my experience—meaning in my own skin and colliding, sometimes more than metaphorically, with the skin of others—both the ideas of "friends first" and "take things slowly" are often euphemisms for skittishness, hypersensitivity, and emotional/physical thirst. Often some kind of combination of the above.

    Heck, at one point—a "not ready" point—I think I said something in my dating app bio about being interested in "making new friends with the possibly of more." I didn't mean it insincerely, but were I to take a stab at a no-frills translation? It would go: "I'm all over the map emotionally and just putting in a little toe in the swamp. Down for a nice hang, down to get naked if the circumstances are right, maybe down for a relationship, but not down to get bitten, not even a wee little bit!"

    Most women, of course, seemed to grasp my headspace, at least on some level. I found myself on dates with women who were skittish, hypersensitive, and thirsty. Women, you know, who mirrored my state. Like attacking like. Led to taking a break from it all, as I suspected I'd rendered myself a leftward swipe to the women I'd like to consider me a rightward swipe, and catnip to those I didn't actually want to be involved in. A few months later I was dating again, without all the caveats. I was ready to swim in the swamp, confident that I could handle whatever was biting in those waters.

    Just stuff to think about. You'll figure it all out, are figuring it out. Darting is an odd thing, but there is much, much odder out there than a last minute switch from Monday to Tuesday. Accept that your registering that as odd, or disrespectful, is probably 100 percent a reflection of your own sensitive state (hugs!) and zero to do with this woman, whoever she is. Then go out and see what's what, being honest with yourself during and afterward about how clear the windshield is.
    Thanks bluecastle. I'm fully aware I could get bitten again. I'm also aware that in the dating process I will meet people I will not be interested in and vice versa. But that's life. In love, you take a chance and you might get some boo boos. I'm ready for that. Wouldn't be the first time. But as opposed to "taking it slow", what else is there? "Taking it fast"? That latter is a hard no for me. As far as waiting until, I'm "healed", that's not what I want at this point in my life. Love is always a chance, no matter who you are or where you are on the emotional scale. I'm not afraid of anyone, not afraid of my own feelings and not afraid to put myself out there. And I am ready to love someone. IF (that's a big if) that someone is right. This time I will be much more careful and discerning in my selection process than I have been before.

    As far as the rescheduling thing, which in the context of this thread has now snowballed into a ridiculous porportion imo, I just thought it was odd because she at first said Monday was the only night of the week she had available and I double checked with her the day before. I have a schedule that I have to fit things into as well. The last minute change wasn't a major inconvenience and if it was, I obviously would have said it didn't work for me, but it just struck me as a little odd when it was already confirmed. I honestly don't care about it that much, lol.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    But as opposed to "taking it slow", what else is there? "Taking it fast"? That latter is a hard no for me.
    I like your attitude.

    Per the above? How about just "taking it as it is?" You move at a pace that works for you and is true to you in search of someone else whose own pace dovetails with yours.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I don't at all. Not in how I explained it and think of it and have heard the term "friends first" used -and the reasons for it. It never worked for me when someone separated "friendship" from dating in a dating context -as if physical affection, romance, flirting detract from getting to know each other. Usually means the person jumped into bed too fast too many times and regretted it. That's fine and if that's the issue I'd want to know - I preferred to be with men who didn't have casual sex -not out of judgment -out of common values (yes I could be friends/friendly with a man who chose to have casual sex but strongly preferred not to get serious with such a person or a person who viewed being sexual as somehow detracting from or distracting from "friendship".
    I understand. Perhaps I used poor wording then. Friends and lovers are certainly not something I see as mutually exclusive. If one wishes to have a healthy and satisfying relationship both things should be present, imo. I'm just not going to put the cart in front of the horse in any of my future dating interactions, that's what I intended to convey. I'm going to be careful and methodical and maintain healthy boundaries. Yes, I've made mistakes in the past. I've learned from them. A mistake that happens more than once is a choice. I will use the lessons I've learned in the past to make better choices in the present.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I like your attitude.

    Per the above? How about just "taking it as it is?" You move at a pace that works for you and is true to you in search of someone else whose own pace dovetails with yours.
    Exactly. Which is precisely what I was trying to say. Clearly I'm not much of a wordsmith, lol.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    I understand. Perhaps I used poor wording then. Friends and lovers are certainly not something I see as mutually exclusive. If one wishes to have a healthy and satisfying relationship both things should be present, imo. I'm just not going to put the cart in front of the horse in any of my future dating interactions, that's what I intended to convey. I'm going to be careful and methodical and maintain healthy boundaries. Yes, I've made mistakes in the past. I've learned from them. A mistake that happens more than once is a choice. I will use the lessons I've learned in the past to make better choices in the present.
    Yes, those are well known sentiments I agree with of course. I think you can be careful and methodical and maintain healthy boundaries -including the boundary of not oversharing with a stranger/new person - no need to express "take it slow" just act it and act in ways that show your boundaries. Here's an example -I messaged with a potential female friend and we discovered so so much in common. We talked on the phone. Within about 20 minutes she gushed out "oh so how about we do a double date Friday night -there's a great band playing at [place]" - so I said carefully "oh sorry we really don't go out at night like that or use sitters much but I'd love to meet for lunch!" She focused on this - first time talking to me -her shock that we don't just get a sitter, that we don't really do the nightlife thing. To me this wasn't a healthy boundary -I expressed my boundary, gave an alternative which she ignored then judged me (we did end up meeting for lunch with our kids and had fun -and we're friendly still about 2 years later!). She's kind of disrespected certain other boundaries I have so I then react by keeping my distance a bit. But I didn't have a big talk about it -I just react to individual situations.

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