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Thread: Getting back on the horse

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Personally, I don't believe that there is any one formula for when you are ready to date. Can the the next day after you formally ended your relationship, can be a year down the road. It's all about your personal emotional state.

    On that note, when you use terms like instead of wallowing in pain, I'm still raw, should I disclose the elephant in the room of my recent breakup that is clearly on my mind.... When a simple request to reschedule to a better time leaves you quivering, wondering if this is flaky bad news or not..... You might not be in any kind of emotional shape to actually date. So don't use people as a bandage for your raw emotions, fears, and damage from your previous relationship you haven't actually processed yet.

    If you were ready to date, a date asking to reschedule wouldn't even hit your radar because you are emotionally stable and have your own life and things to do, other people to talk to, friends to hang with, etc. Dating is more of an aside and hey, if you meet someone who is really fab and knocks your socks off, then it becomes a welcome new addition to your already fulfilling life.

    Right now....you sound like a drowning man looking for a life raft....and that usually ends with more bad decisions, bad relationships, bad experiences..... Being single is really not that terrifying and if it is....you need to work hard on building up a better quality of life for yourself.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    Thanks all. Very helpful. Just to be clear, when I used the phrase, "I moved on", I just mean that I ended the relationship, not that I'm over it. I'm just going out and meeting people and not giving the impression that I want something serious. Just meeting with no pressure or expectation. If the topic comes up that someone asks me, or if I ask someone what they're looking for that's when I'll let them know where my head and heart is at. And as some of you had said, many will take a pass on that, which is fine.
    If ALL you are really doing is socializing, then do everyone a favor and don't waste their time on a date that isn't really a date. Go on meetup.com, join some groups and get out and socialize and make friends and enjoy yourself in what is an appropriately noncommittal kind of an environment. People on dating sites aren't looking to be your entertainment for the evening.

  3. #13
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    Changing from one night to the next isn't flighty in my opinion. If she canceled completely and made excuses it would be! Though even then I'd let it slide unless it became a pattern.
    I'd opt out of bringing up the conversation about your recent relationship. If she brings it up, say something simple that it didn't work out and you're comfortable moving on just so it's clear there's a chance at a relationship and not a rebound. Good luck to you!

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    If ALL you are really doing is socializing, then do everyone a favor and don't waste their time on a date that isn't really a date. Go on meetup.com, join some groups and get out and socialize and make friends and enjoy yourself in what is an appropriately noncommittal kind of an environment. People on dating sites aren't looking to be your entertainment for the evening.
    No, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm open to getting to know someone, just starting as friends and seeing if or where it goes. You have a good point about me questioning her need to reschedule, because it's our first meeting. If she did that repeatedly, that would be a reason for me to question it. It just seemed odd to me because she at first told me her week was crazy and Monday was the only night she had available, which worked for me. I reconfirmed with her last night that Monday night was still good and she said yes. Then this morning, she said she thought Tuesday would work better with both of our schedules. Just seemed odd to me. Not a huge deal.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    When a simple request to reschedule to a better time leaves you quivering, wondering if this is flaky bad news or not..... You might not be in any kind of emotional shape to actually date.
    That's what I was thinking.

  7. #16
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    Who's quivering? C'mon folks. Let's not jump on the assumption bandwagon, shall we? Lol.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    deleted. sorry

  9. #18
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Okay, so maybe not "quivering" but if you were concerned at all, enough to make this post, perhaps you're not in the best place for dating right now.

    I mean, it's something to consider before hurting someone else, right?

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Okay, so maybe not "quivering" but if you were concerned at all, enough to make this post, perhaps you're not in the best place for dating right now.

    I mean, it's something to consider before hurting someone else, right?
    Of course. I'm putting myself out there in the hopes of meeting someone new and I'm not the type of person to bite off more than I can chew. Like I said, it just seemed a bit odd to me. But yeah, now I'm sorry I asked, lol. I am still hurting from my last relationship, but that doesn't mean I've lost my cognizance of how to be respectful of myself or others. I'm looking for someone to get to know and see where it goes. That's all. No expectations. But I'm the one who knows that, not anyone else.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    No, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm open to getting to know someone, just starting as friends and seeing if or where it goes. You have a good point about me questioning her need to reschedule, because it's our first meeting. If she did that repeatedly, that would be a reason for me to question it. It just seemed odd to me because she at first told me her week was crazy and Monday was the only night she had available, which worked for me. I reconfirmed with her last night that Monday night was still good and she said yes. Then this morning, she said she thought Tuesday would work better with both of our schedules. Just seemed odd to me. Not a huge deal.
    If you want to start "as friends" I don't think it's fair to be on a dating site. What does that mean? How about going on dates in person and getting to know the person overall with the goal of a potential relationship. If you feel like getting romantic/sexual and she does too and it feels ok then you do it - I know I declined to meet anyone who said "friends first" because to me that meant he had some kind of hang up about sex -meaning he assumed that people who date presumably get sexual right away and hamper getting to know each other in the ways that count. I didn't have casual sex, didn't jump into bed and enjoyed dating as a way to get to know a person I had attraction to -I didn't try to hide or trivialize that attraction of course -it's healthy and fun and fun to flirt and hold hands, kiss, etc. So if you are looking to get to know people platonically I'd do that either through meetup.com if online or through in person activities.

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