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Thread: Do you believe in rebuilding relationship

  1. #1
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    Do you believe in rebuilding relationship

    Do you believe in rebuilding rs?

    Well, I know that a lot of advices here about breakups are almost the same: "You should move on", "You need need to forget about him/her" etc.
    But I also know from experience that you cant "throw everything in one barrel" because most of relationships and situations are different and there's no solution that fits them all.
    So now I'm going through a break in relationship that was initiated by my gf because she saw my feelings for her and felt like she's forced to reply the same way, and she didn't wanna lie, so she took a break.(I've never put pressure on her about expressing her feelings to me, I was just expressing mine and In her head she might have felt like she needs to do the same) I respect her and her decision to take a break. I don't wanna bother her during this period so I've never texted her but she texted me a few times asking how am I. We have met accidentally few times during a break and I saw that she still has warm feelings for me. (I'm sorry but you really have to believe me that I'm not not overthinking this or making that up just to feel better, I'm very rational and cold-minded person)
    So I wanna ask you to be as cold-minded as I am and think about it before replying things that I described at the beginning if you want to answer like this.
    So the question is should I ask her to try and start this relationship from the clear page, from the very beginning like we did before, and this time I won't express my feelings until I know for sure that she feels the same way and she's ready for it. And I know that she could not have the same feelings for me this time, but I wanna give it a try.
    Last edited by BestTAacc; 02-10-2020 at 11:28 AM.

  2. #2
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    This very much depends on what exactly led to the break-up.

    I am getting the impression it was too much too soon, for her? Or had you been together a while and she no longer felt the same way?

    It is very difficult to start over completely in a relationship, as it's not possible to forget the past and treat it like a totally new beginning. There will be a pre-existing dynamic between you, shared memories (both good and bad) and a history that can't be undone. That doesn't mean that some couples can't work through those issues, but it's not realistic to take a "wipe the slate clean" approach. You and she both would have to be willing to address and work on the problems that broke you up, or they will likely to lead to a second break-up.

    More context about your relationship and breakup would be helpful in answering your questions more accurately, in any event.

  3. #3
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    Sorry I forgot to mention that we're together for 1.5y. So she no longer felt the same way and as I looked back I understood that I've really didn't put enough effort into relationship, and last few months been treating it more like friendship but with sex. Also I'm well aware that its not possible to start from complete beginning. But now I know where I failed and I'm willing to work on myself.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by BestTAacc
    So now I'm going through a break in relationship that was initiated by my gf because she saw my feelings for her and felt like she's forced to reply the same way, and she didn't wanna lie, so she took a break.
    I'm a little confused about why the above was an issue if you were the one who was apparently less invested in the relationship and treated it like a friendship.

    What feelings were you expressing that she couldn't reciprocate, and how does that correspond to you not putting effort into the relationship? These two points seem contradictory.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How long has it been bad? What was the breakup about? Usually a break is a step away from the relationship, not a regroup. Breaks are more often after a period of thinking it won't work and more or less a step to a breakup. Do not use no contact as a tool to get her back. It seems she's thought about things for a while and has decided she's done trying. The fact that she is being nice if you run into each other or texts indicates the friendzone, which is a common offering after a breakup.
    Originally Posted by BestTAacc
    we're together for 1.5y. So she no longer felt the same way and as I looked back I understood that I've really didn't put enough effort into relationship, and last few months been treating it more like friendship but with sex. Also I'm well aware that its not possible to start from complete beginning. But now I know where I failed and I'm willing to work on myself.

  7. #6
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    A couple of things -don't put everything in one category - the general advice about breakups is sound - there are always exceptions in life. But that doesn't mean you dismiss general guidelines and what's generally true just because "every relationship is different". I don't think a person has to "believe in rebuilding relationship" - the person just has to desire to rebuild his and if there is a mutual desire to do so then there is of course a chance in many cases.
    Having warm feelings still is normal and doesn't mean you want to be in a relationship with that person. About a month after we broke up I wanted to try again with my ex fiancee. He said no. He said that he didn't want to go through the inevitable break up again -that it would be romantic for a little while then we'd have the same issues. 7 years and 8 months later we got back together. That was almost 15 years ago -married now for 11 years. Early 30s when we broke up, late 30s when we got back together. The reason it worked for us -enough time had passed that we'd each changed and in ways that worked for us as a couple. Also we hadn't cheated on each other or betrayed trust the first time around. Third is because simply -when we got together again after all those years, there was undeniable chemistry and sparks which we didn't act on for a month -we were cautious and careful. I know for sure had we tried earlier on -like when I wanted to -it was too new and wouldn't have worked, and then we likely would have not wanted to try ever again.

    I wish you luck and i would leave things be for now.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    It takes two to want the same thing and work equally as hard to get it. If the desire is only on one side there is no chance.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I would not ask her to get back together. I would let her go and have faith that things that are meant to work out will. Either with her or someone better.

    I know that's hard to do. And I'm super sorry. But after a year and a half, she knows how she feels. If you ask her to get back when she has not come to you on her own, you will push her away.

    There comes a point in life, when you have to see you're own self worth and walk away from people who do not see it.

    Of course, given time things can change. But it has to come from the person that broke it off.

    She knows how you feel. She stepped away bc she was not on the same page. It sucks, but you asking is not a change in any way.

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    Sorry, I've explained badly and maybe friendship is a wrong description. She always was putting effort into us seeing eachother and inviting me to spend time together etc. But as I understand now that after some time I subconsciously thought that if she is putting effort into us seeing eachother, then I dont have to do this work, and just took her efforts for granted. It doesn't change the fact that I still loved her and was expressing my love to her. I just wasn't noticing her efforts and as I said I took it for granted. I think that this may be the thing that drained her.

  11. #10
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    Well there's more to this situation.
    We've always tried to find problems in our relationship and fix them, we were always open about our feelings and things that bother us. And that's why in the middle of december she told me that her feelings become dimmer because we are not seeing eachother so often like it used to be because of exam periods in college (We live apart), and that she want fo work on it. That's when i realised that i need to do more for this relationship, but on christmas (less than a week after she told me about problem) she went out of our college town across a country to see her family for a month. For that week between her telling me about problem and her going to her hometown, due to some bad circumstances from my side which I don't really want to share here (but she knows about them), we've seen only a couple of times which obviously wasn't enough to fix something. And during that month when she was out of town I've come up with a lot of ideas for how we can spend time together and bond more. Actually I don't know why but I've never told her about these ideas through texts\calls which we did a lot. And because when she got back from 'vacation', she told me that she wants to take a break, I haven't had the opportunity to tell her about these plans or bring them to life. I feel like that time before christmas she had a feeling that I'm giving up on her because we were not seeing each other anymore, and when she went home that idea just grew bigger in her head because we were still apart. But that whole idea is wrong because I've never gave up on her.
    I want to talk to her and ask if she really thinks that our relationship has gone beyond the point of no return, and we can't fix it anymore.

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