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Thread: How to move forward?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2019

    How to move forward?


    Recently I just got out of a relationship. I will be out of college for a year come May. My friend who is still in college introduced me to one of her very good friends "Jan". The catch was last September she and her boyfriend of 6 years broke up (first boyfriend). So recently Jan was seeing a guy and they gave been "talking". According to my friend Jan no longer expressed interest for him after a few weeks of knowing waxg other. That is why my friend introduced us to each other. A side note is I know this individual. I would not consider him a friend, but I have had classes with him in the past and have talked to him before.

    My friend has told me that Jan has expressed to her multiple times that she doesn't care for the guy. Jan gave him a chance to get to know each other and she was not interested. They never went on a date or anything close to that alone, from what my friend told me. It's just kind of been talking and seeing each other out with the similar friend group so I've been told.

    A couple of nights ago after talking to Jan for about a week we got together and spent the evening together. I made sure to ask my friend the status of Jan and the indvidual she was "talking" too. My friend said Jan wanted nothing to do with him romantically. Everything went really well when me and Jan met, and we found out we are shockingly similar. We both had a great time. I brought up getting together again sometime in the future and Jan said she would like too.

    So here's my dilemma. My friend has told me that Jan has yet to tell this other gentleman that she is not interested in him due to him being extremely into Jan, she was afraid to do so. But Jan is clear she doesn't want any sort of relationship to develop with him. Jan has expressed interest in me to my friend also. My friend and I are really close, and she is a very honest person. Her and Jan are basically best friends at the university they go too so I feel my friend is being honest with me.

    Basically I am not sure how I should pursue this. I kind of feel bad in a way for this other gentleman if Jan isn't telling him that she doesn't have interest. I know this sounds dumb, because now days guys will talk to a married woman romantically without feeling bad about it. I am a little bit more conservative when it comes to this sort of thing though. I thought about asking her to get together for a date this weekend, but I'm too the point where I am not sure if I should let her cut ties with this other individual before I pursue getting together again? Or if i should not worry about it. One thing I know though is after talking a little over a week, and seeing her only once priorly it is none of my business to talk to her about this. I just want to make sure I'm not walking into any drama.

    Thanks for any advice!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    There are way too many third parties involved. Ask her out for a low key coffee and get to know her. Otherwise it's just hearsay and gossip with a high likelihood of multiple wires getting crossed. Be direct. Either you're interested...or you're not.
    Originally Posted by Trimper
    I just got out of a relationship.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    I commend you for behaving like a gentleman.

    You can't control what other people do. All you can do is exercise discernment and question your own judgment whether or not to pursue Jan beyond friendship. This decision is all on you, Trimper and your choices are on your conscience, not on Jan. It's your decision whether or not you wish to remain an acquaintance, friend or Jan's boyfriend someday.

    Another thing to consider is to ask yourself why you would wish to associate with Jan on any level if she has character flaws and defects which you disagree with. Keep in mind that whenever you observe character weakness which is a moral dilemma, engaging in a relationship with that type of person will eventually impact you regarding distrust issues later on down the line. You need to ask yourself if you're willing to risk wasting your time, energy, emotions and resources on a person of questionable, doubtful character. Then you can make a decision whether or not you can either pay attention or ignore these red flags about Jan.

    If you wish to err on the side of caution, don't get involved with Jan because ultimately you will get entangled with her drama, the other guy will get hurt and Jan will end up playing games because she doesn't explain anything quickly to anybody. People like Jan are complicated and messy which is looked upon with disdain.

    I commend you for being empathetic towards the guy. Jan's inability to be forthright with the guy should be alarming to you because as you associate with Jan, she will not be completely honest with you nor care about other people's feelings including yours. I hate those types of people! All they think about is themselves which is incredibly selfish.

    I always judge people with how they treat others. If they treat others with indifference, they'll treat you the same way. It's only a matter of time.

    Beware, Trimper. I think it's better to be with a person who is sincere, trustworthy, uncomplicated and predictable IMHO. Everyone else is too high maintenance, risky and doesn't deserve to be in your life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2007
    You are already having trepidation about her motives, but itís all hearsay. At this point if you have enough interest to explore it further, do so. But what youíre going on now is second hand information. The only way to get to know more about her is to get to know her better. Then you can make a more accurate assessment whether you see a chance of developing more of a relationship with her or not. But if the information you have now is enough to make you feel uneasy, then follow your gut and donít pursue her.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    central Florida
    I'm assuming Jan is about 22, which means she was probably in that relationship since about age 16. She needs a good year to figure out who she is as a solo human being before being a good partner to anyone. Seems like she might be into a lot of male attention, and could be enjoying her freedom without settling down so soon with someone serious again.

    So what if she got with you? How could you be sure she was really into you and not just sticking it out because she felt so sorry she would hurt your feelings if she didn't feel the same? Either it's an excuse because she wants there to be a reasonable explanation why she's flirting with more than one man, and accepting their romantic advances, or she really is a people pleaser, which ends up hurting people in the long run, including herself and people she pushes away, because of being spineless.

    You just got out of a relationship, yourself. Give yourself some freedom into jumping into couple hood again.

    If she's free and clear by next autumn, maybe you can give it another shot, then. In the meantime, you should be growing into being a more mature adult, so stop discussing your interests in depth with your friends--finding out what your crush is doing and why from others. That's kids' stuff. Find out what you need to know with women as you gradually date them, because yes, it's good to have standards, but find out what you need to know from the woman herself. Take care.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    London, UK
    If you were just 'talking' to another girl, would you consider stopping before you asked Jan out for a coffee?

    So what if she is talking to someone else right now, if she's not in an exclusive relationship with him, then all should be fine to go on a date right?

    In this day and age of swiping left and right, it is easy to get a hoard of people interested in you. And sure, she may have gone out with him, or any number of them, once or more, but who cares. As her out and give up the gossip.

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