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My Strange Break Up and Dealing with the Loss


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Hi enotalone family, this is going to be a long one so strap in tight.

 

Me and my ex met 6 years ago. We were in our early 20s back then and we had a 4 year relationship before she decided to end it. I tried convincing her to stay with me for over a month and one day she texted me letting me know that she was moving on.

 

Although we were compatible with each other in terms of ambition and interests, we used to have constant arguments because of our dysfunctional communication style. Also she had self esteem issues that caused her to always complain that she wasn't good looking enough for me. She also had no income source as she struggled to find one so felt like she was holding me back. These are some of the things she said to me in the last text.

 

I accepted and I moved on. Fast forward to 7 months, I receive a text from her right before new year's eve, almost as long as a letter, telling me that she misses me and that she wishes that she could have been everything I wanted her to be, and that she wishes that she could have made a lot of money so that it wouldn't come between us and we could finally be together again.

 

By this point I had worked on myself immensely, I had started a business and was making 10 times a month of what I was making at my job, my quality of life had significantly improved, I also had learned to communicate better, I was overall a much much better person because I was no longer dealing with a stressful 9-5.

 

After hesitating for hours I decide to respond to her. We get talking about our lives and decide to meet.

 

We have a lovely, emotional date. We are back together.

 

However she had changed within these months too. We were both skeptics / atheists in our previous relationship and this time around she seemed "spiritual". She tells me that she looks up to two "gurus" and I do some research and they seem extremely like cults, one of them based in India. The leader of one is literally on the run as I write this because the authorities are chasing him for rape allegations. She followed him online and the other less worse, was a cult like church she attended weekly.

 

At the time she wasn't heavily into them, and because I believed that I should respect her beliefs, I decided not to question it.

 

It is also worth noting that it seemed like her sister pulled her into it, because she was always into new age stuff, and Tarot readings specially.

 

Months go by and it gets worse. She tells me that her sister can communicate with spirits, angels and gods. A few months later she tells me that she now has developed these abilities herself and both of them now can hear voices and communicate with the dead etc. They feed off of each other.

 

I get worried but I keep my silence because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

 

By this point it had been 19 months, we had a lot of fun, and had only 2 minor arguments. It was overall a very happy and healthy relationship. It is also worth noting that she still had no source of income and I had to pay everytime we went on dates, which I didn't mind doing because I could afford to.

 

So one day she starts acting strange and when I pester her about it she tells me that I need to move on. I'm completely shocked as you can imagine because it was a fun ride.

 

She tells me that,

 

She has opened her third eye and she can see the future because of it, and she can't see me in it.

 

That she can't share her spiritual experiences with me because I don't believe them, and that I'm not the right person for her because of this.

 

She came back hoping to support me but she still had no source of income and had become a burden to me. and that I can find someone better.

 

And that she feels like we are not going anywhere with this relationship and whenever we date we stay stagnant doing routined things, holding each other back from progressing.

 

I try so hard convincing her to say, and I eventually give up.

 

 

 

 

4 months later one of my pets I had loved so much passes away, and in that moment of weakness I send her a message telling her that I want to talk to her, which she didn't respond to at all. In fact she hadn't even bothered to look at the message on Messenger, so that means she just swiped the notification away.

 

It's been 3 months since the text and I'm now starting to realize she's not coming back.

 

This whole thing angers me so much,

 

1. I feel like these cults played a huge role in destroying our second relationship, and her sister was pretty much an enabler and I didn't do anything about it.

 

2. Our second relationship was a fun ride, again except for the fact that she had developed different beliefs that were ridiculous.

 

3. Even after the second relationship she still felt like she was a downgrade for me.

 

Because of all of these reasons I'm having confused emotions. I'm not sad to the point I can't function, but I do miss her, the relationship and I do feel angry at these groups and even herself for falling for them.

 

I'm ready to move on. I just needed to vent. Your thoughts on the situation would be much much appreciated as it will help me with the healing process. Also ask me questions if you have any. Love you all.

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Nothing really changed except she is looking to outside sources to relieve her stress and anxiety and to find answers. This did nothing to bring you two closer together.

 

I don't understand why she is still unemployed. No restaurants or retail establishments are hiring? She can't find a temporary gig at a fast food place?

 

She doesn't want to be together, which is really all the answer you need. Delete her number from your phone and then disable any means for you two to contact one another. Delete any social media connections.

 

Then when you're ready, look into meeting women who are self-sufficient and who have more in common with you.

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Nothing really changed except she is looking to outside sources to relieve her stress and anxiety and to find answers. This did nothing to bring you two closer together.

 

I don't understand why she is still unemployed. No restaurants or retail establishments are hiring? She can't find a temporary gig at a fast food place?

 

She doesn't want to be together, which is really all the answer you need. Delete her number from your phone and then disable any means for you two to contact one another. Delete any social media connections.

 

Then when you're ready, look into meeting women who are self-sufficient and who have more in common with you.

 

Thanks.

 

Well she never wanted to have a job, she always wanted start her own venture or do some freelancing work. Which she did try doing, but she gave up after a couple of attempts and couldn't find any clients. She's had trouble staying committed to a goal in the past.

 

Speaking of social media she barely uses them unless she has to interact with some of these new age pages. I mean her profile picture hasn't been changed since 2014.

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Thanks.

 

Well she never wanted to have a job, she always wanted start her own venture or do some freelancing work. Which she did try doing, but she gave up after a couple of attempts and couldn't find any clients. She's had trouble staying committed to a goal in the past.

 

Speaking of social media she barely uses them unless she has to interact with some of these new age pages. I mean her profile picture hasn't been changed since 2014.

 

So how does she presume to support herself?

 

How nice that she "doesn't want" a job, but most people support themselves with gainful employment.

 

That alone would turn me off. I work, so I expect an SO to work too.

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So how does she presume to support herself?

 

How nice that she "doesn't want" a job, but most people support themselves with gainful employment.

 

That alone would turn me off. I work, so I expect an SO to work too.

 

Both of us wanted to start our own things. I managed to. But she didn't. And yes when this failed she never considered getting a job an option.

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Dude nothing has changed. All she has done has found a vice to avoid her problems. That's why she's still unemployed, etc. Don't let the "emotional/spiritual" deal steer you away from the reality that nothing has really changed. You had real motivation to self improve and done well...all she has done is read some bs books, and got sucked into a higgery jigery belief to band-aid her issues. It wouldn't surprise me that she starts wearing a bed sheet and go out into the street with a tambourine to beg for money for this guru.

 

You my friend have it all together which means you will find yourself a nice lady that has her life together...and you will live happily successfully ever after.

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Both of us wanted to start our own things. I managed to. But she didn't. And yes when this failed she never considered getting a job an option.

 

So how does she get money to pay for her phone, food, shelter and other basic necessities?

 

One thing I do agree with her...she is in no place to be in a relationship.

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Dude nothing has changed. All she has done has found a vice to avoid her problems. That's why she's still unemployed, etc. Don't let the "emotional/spiritual" deal steer you away from the reality that nothing has really changed. You had real motivation to self improve and done well...all she has done is read some bs books, and got sucked into a higgery jigery belief to band-aid her issues. It wouldn't surprise me that she starts wearing a bed sheet and go out into the street with a tambourine to beg for money for this guru.

 

You my friend have it all together which means you will find yourself a nice lady that has her life together...and you will live happily successfully ever after.

 

Thanks.

 

Yes she almost got into debt once trying to do something for him. I always knew the situation was beyond help because her sister was enabling her too.

 

Thank you so much. But it hurts so much you know when I think about the good times. :(

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Sorry about this.

 

All in all, it just sounds like you two have grown into people who don't fit. What I can't help but pick up on is an instinct in you to rescue her, to support her into becoming...well, the kind of stable, self-sufficient, and self-motivated woman you'd actually like to be with and, once upon a time, believed her to be.

 

Alas, she's taking a different path, one she's actually been on the whole time, not something that was done to her by some spiritual huckster. Hard to accept, but it's time to accept it.

 

Imagine a woman who lives life as you do, with whom you have more in common, and who, in your bones, you believe can manage the basic business of living without you holding her hand and nudging her to the light: that's who you will have a better time with, it seems, once you can both let this go and let go of a dynamic in which "supporting" another person veers into enabling the very qualities that make a relationship untenable for the long run and frustrating in the short term.

 

My few cents.

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I think you need to look at what's glaringly obvious here, this woman is incredibly irresponsible.

 

She's not interested in being an adult and finding proper work to support herself. She wants someone else to do the work and to get everything free.

That alone is reason enough to dump her and never look back.

Secondly, she is willing to follow ideas that are so far out there that it almost sounds like a mental illness. She willingly follows her sister and sounds easily manipulated.

She doesn't think things through and would rather follow fantasies than reality.

 

Why you feel bad about losing this woman, I don't know. She sounds immature and no where near adult enough to be able to be responsible for herself, let alone to be a decent partner or god forbid a mother.

 

These are very bad traits you should stop ignoring.

 

What she is doing now is not her sisters fault. This woman could have a million different things set in front of her and if she has any sense at all, she will know that they are crazy or a waste of time. If she doesn't know the difference, then she has a serious problem.

If it wasn't her sister that gave her these crazy ideas, someone or something else would have because she has this kind of mind.

 

You truly dodged a bullet.

Focus on letting go.

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Thanks.

 

Yes she almost got into debt once trying to do something for him. I always knew the situation was beyond help because her sister was enabling her too.

 

Thank you so much. But it hurts so much you know when I think about the good times. :(

 

Sad but true.....she is no longer the person that you knew. I feel once you have had time to step away, and forget, you will look back without the emotional attachment.....and say to yourself, what was I thinking??

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Sorry to hear this but unfortunately she seems very entrenched in this cult. Sadly you'll have to let go. At some point she may defect, but she may get involved with someone in this cult.

 

Hopefully you've done some research/reading. My advice about her remains the same regarding her new lifestyle: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560986&p=7149819&viewfull=1#post7149819

However she had changed within these months too. She tells me that she looks up to two "gurus" and I do some research and they seem extremely like cults, one of them based in India. The leader of one is literally on the run as I write this because the authorities are chasing him for rape allegations. She followed him online and the other less worse, was a cult like church she attended weekly. That she can't share her spiritual experiences with me because I don't believe them, and that I'm not the right person for her because of this

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I think you need to look at what's glaringly obvious here, this woman is incredibly irresponsible.

 

She's not interested in being an adult and finding proper work to support herself. She wants someone else to do the work and to get everything free.

That alone is reason enough to dump her and never look back.

Secondly, she is willing to follow ideas that are so far out there that it almost sounds like a mental illness. She willingly follows her sister and sounds easily manipulated.

She doesn't think things through and would rather follow fantasies than reality.

 

Why you feel bad about losing this woman, I don't know. She sounds immature and no where near adult enough to be able to be responsible for herself, let alone to be a decent partner or god forbid a mother.

 

These are very bad traits you should stop ignoring.

 

What she is doing now is not her sisters fault. This woman could have a million different things set in front of her and if she has any sense at all, she will know that they are crazy or a waste of time. If she doesn't know the difference, then she has a serious problem.

If it wasn't her sister that gave her these crazy ideas, someone or something else would have because she has this kind of mind.

 

You truly dodged a bullet.

Focus on letting go.

 

Thank you so much.

 

Yes I agree. The reason I'm extremely fond of her is because she has supported me through very tough times, she motivated me to become the person I am today, she always believed in me. But unfortunately she couldn't find it for herself.

 

You're right about her being easy to manipulate. When I first met her she was a critical thinker though, but during those 7 months we were separated that had gone out the window. Oh well it is what it is.

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Sad but true.....she is no longer the person that you knew. I feel once you have had time to step away, and forget, you will look back without the emotional attachment.....and say to yourself, what was I thinking??

 

Thank you so much. For some reason i feel worse than I did after our first break up. Because the first one we weren't having fun. I look forward to my future.

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Sorry to hear this but unfortunately she seems very entrenched in this cult. Sadly you'll have to let go. At some point she may defect, but she may get involved with someone in this cult.

 

Hopefully you've done some research/reading. My advice about her remains the same regarding her new lifestyle: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560986&p=7149819&viewfull=1#post7149819

 

Hi Wiseman. I accidentally left out some key information in my original post. I apologize for this I just got lost in my thoughts writing that huge wall of text. lol

 

She left both of these organizations. But not because she denounced their views, but because she thought the two communities weren't very welcoming of her or her sister. They just didn't like the other members.

 

However the beliefs she developed while she was in them remained, in fact they got worse. After she left them she started meditating several hours a week and that was when she started telling about hearing voices, communicating with other dimensions, talking to the dead, opening the third eye etc. All of those cult stuff you'd imagine.

 

The damage had been done.

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It's sad because yes she's lost and these cults instead of bringing any "enlightenment" usually do damage. Is it possible she has neurological/neuropsychiatric disorders?

 

While anyone can fall prey to these cults during transitional times the fact that she seemed to wish to align with whatever this dimension is before joining and then exited the cults, seems to point to something else going on. At any rate she's out there. And sadly it seems sincere, not one of those 'it's me not you' excuses.

 

Do mood or thought disorders run in her family? Not to be alarmist but early signs of schizophrenia and certain brain tumors can present like this. However that is less likely than her simply searching for some type of meaning or religious experience.

However the beliefs she developed while she was in them remained, in fact they got worse. After she left them she started meditating several hours a week and that was when she started telling about hearing voices, communicating with other dimensions, talking to the dead, opening the third eye etc. All of those cult stuff you'd imagine.

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However the beliefs she developed while she was in them remained, in fact they got worse. After she left them she started meditating several hours a week and that was when she started telling about hearing voices, communicating with other dimensions, talking to the dead, opening the third eye etc. All of those cult stuff you'd imagine.

 

Have you wondered if she might be showing symptoms of an underlying mental illness?

 

While some of what she says might indeed be attributable to the cult-like influences around her, I would be concerned that some of it could also be pointing toward a more serious problem related to her mental health. Keep in mind that such vulnerable souls are often the targets of so-called cults, because they are frequently more susceptible to manipulation or distinguishing between reality and illusion. They tend to be more easily led. I therefore wouldn't be so quick to assume this all down to third-party interference, but could also be coinciding with more significant issues within her.

 

In any event, she sounds very emotionally immature and not at all prepared for the sort of relationship you want. It took two attempts for you to really see it, but this relationship isn't going to work and is better left behind you.

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It's sad because yes she's lost and these cults instead of bringing any "enlightenment" usually do damage. Is it possible she has neurological/neuropsychiatric disorders?

 

While anyone can fall prey to these cults during transitional times the fact that she seemed to wish to align with whatever this dimension is before joining and then exited the cults, seems to point to something else going on. At any rate she's out there. And sadly it seems sincere, not one of those 'it's me not you' excuses.

 

Do mood or thought disorders run in her family? Not to be alarmist but early signs of schizophrenia and certain brain tumors can present like this. However that is less likely than her simply searching for some type of meaning or religious experience.

 

Her parents haven't been officially diagnosed, but I have reason to suspect that they have BPD. They are extremely abusive, so much to the point they would yell at her in public. Her parents are constantly in war with each other. Because of this I never liked them, which she also brought up during the break up conversation saying me not liking her parents could affect our relationship in the future. This was specially confusing to me because she herself admits that they are abusive, but it seems like she's not willing to cut them out of her life.

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Have you wondered if she might be showing symptoms of an underlying mental illness?

 

While some of what she says might indeed be attributable to the cult-like influences around her, I would be concerned that some of it could also be pointing toward a more serious problem related to her mental health. Keep in mind that such vulnerable souls are often the targets of so-called cults, because they are frequently more susceptible to manipulation or distinguishing between reality and illusion. They tend to be more easily led. I therefore wouldn't be so quick to assume this all down to third-party interference, but could also be coinciding with more significant issues within her.

 

In any event, she sounds very emotionally immature and not at all prepared for the sort of relationship you want. It took two attempts for you to really see it, but this relationship isn't going to work and is better left behind you.

 

When she started speaking of having special abilities and hearing voices yes I started questioning her mental health.

 

Her sister did it first so I felt like she kind of convinced herself she could do it too.

 

They would even claim to have spiritual experiences together.

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When she started speaking of having special abilities and hearing voices yes I started questioning her mental health.

 

Her sister did it first so I felt like she kind of convinced herself she could do it too.

 

They would even claim to have spiritual experiences together.

 

Right, and does that sound like something an balanced, emotionally-mature and rational adult would do?

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That explains a lot. Read up on "Magical Thinking" Google it. It can be a symptom of many things including mania.

Her parents haven't been officially diagnosed, but I have reason to suspect that they have BPD. They are extremely abusive, so much to the point they would yell at her in public. but it seems like she's not willing to cut them out of her life.
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I may be an outlier here in that I actually do believe it's possible to communicate with spirits, that travel (through dreams or meditation) to other dimensions is possible, and that meditating several hours a week is a wonderful way to get grounded and spiritually connected... it doesn't automatically mean someone is mentally ill, or in a cult. I mean, it's no more fantastic than believing that a man existed that was half God / half human that was capable of all sorts of magical things.

 

At the end of the day none of that really matters. She felt that you were incompatible the first time you were together... and getting together again just reinforced those beliefs for her. Trying to understand why, picking her apart and taking her inventory isn't really going to help you in the long run if you want a healthy relationship.

 

Keep working on you, your communication with others, and think about what you want from a relationship... as well as what you can offer one... this will help you attract people that are more compatible with your relationship goals.

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