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Thread: I'm in love with another man

  1. #1
    Member CharlieCheese's Avatar
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    I'm in love with another man

    I'm in love with another man.
    I've loved him since I was 12, he was my sister's friend from school, his family weren't the nicest and they ended up kicking him out. My mum having a heart of gold took him in, he came to live with us for years and I was smitten with him ever since.
    We had such a close bond, he was kind and lovely. I never acted on my feelings at the time because he was 16. So the best I could do was call him brother, I always figured nothing would come of it so I took what I could get a settled for it.
    He has seen me through some bad decisions as a teenager, rescued me from some bad situations, divorce, the loss of my mum, supported me whenever I've needed him.

    I'm now 25 and about 6 months ago we had a conversation and it turns out he has felt the same for many years but never did anything because of the age and because we used to refer to each other as siblings he always assumed I only thought of him as a brother.
    We've kissed and stuff but never gone beyond that because we're both in relationships. When I found out I was pregnant to my partner I just drifted off and I haven't spoken much to him since.
    I now have 2 children and am currently in a relationship with a man I despise, he's been to prison so many times, I'm terrified of him and I genuinely have no love for him anymore, he was a rebound that never left.
    And yet I feel powerless to leave.
    And despite having a baby and trying to let us get on with our lives I still can't stop thinking about him. Everyday. I can't stop.
    I've been in love with him for years, before I even knew what the word meant.
    Despite my relationships, despite having kids I still find myself sitting here thinking about him.
    I used to be able to cope but since I found out he felt the same it's been so much stronger, I don't know what to do.
    It sounds so cliché, you know, the one that got away but is still very much around the corner.
    I don't even know what the point of this is, I just need to get it out, has anyone else ever experienced anything like this?
    Am I a bad person? What would you do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    And yet I feel powerless to leave.
    Why do you feel powerless to leave? Are you financially dependent on him? Have you been to see a lawyer to find out your rights and obligations should you actually get the confidence to leave? What have you done to facilitate getting yourself away from a man that has been in jail more than once who you despise?

    As for the fantasy you have going on with your "brother from another mother"... I suggest that you look at this with logic rather than the fantasy you have adopted as your best friend in your unsatisfying life and start focusing on how to get out of your marriage first before you start "kissing" another man which is only going to complicate things even further.

    Finish one relationship before you start another or you will rue the day you let your fantasy get past the dynamic of wishful thinking.

  3. #3
    Member CharlieCheese's Avatar
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    I'm not married to my current partner, I can't leave him because I'm terrified of what he'll do if I try to break up with him, the last time I tried to leave him he threatened to take my youngest from me and there wouldn't be anything I could do to stop him.
    I've barely said hello to that fantasy life for the best part of a year, I've left it so we can all just try and get on with life but here I am constantly thinking of someone else.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    There are agencies for women that are in abusive relationships that can help you find a safe place and set you up with free legal advice. Locate an abuse hotline in your area. They will help you get out of your situation safely. Since he has a criminal background (I'm assuming some of it is assault charges) you will have np getting a court order against him. If he ever breaks that court order he goes to jail. Death threats, he goes to jail. Many many women have successfully have taken these steps to leave, so you are not alone...no excuses.

    This affection you have for this fellow is the least of your worries.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    He can't take your child away from you. It's doubtful with his prison record that any court would award him full custody unless you have worse on your own record.

    That's an empty threat.

    Take your children to your parents' home while he's out and tell them you need their protection and support. Then see an attorney or paralegal immediately to file an emergency custody injunction. Then file for full custody and supervised visitation. Don't forget to also file for child support.

    There's no reason to stay with a man who is threatening you.

    Never mind about the other man, you have more important things to deal with like protecting your children. You can think about him later, after everything is settled.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Sadly you are escaping into happier simpler times because of the abysmal situation you find yourself in. Try to leave him. This is not about another guy, it's about longing for a decent loving life.
    Originally Posted by CharlieCheese
    I now have 2 children and am currently in a relationship with a man I despise, he's been to prison so many times
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 02-09-2020 at 02:15 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by CharlieCheese
    I'm not married to my current partner, I can't leave him because I'm terrified of what he'll do if I try to break up with him,
    The first thing you should do is go see a lawyer... most will give you at least a 1/2 hour of their time for free to give you advice and/or resources, numbers, addresses of people who can assist you in getting out.

    the last time I tried to leave him he threatened to take my youngest from me and there wouldn't be anything I could do to stop him.
    There is plenty you can do to stop him but you need to get the professional advice so go see a lawyer or call your local domestic abuse hotline... google will give you one (be sure to delete your history so he can't fish out what you're up to). As someone else mentioned, there is no way he would get custody with his record. If you're afraid he may abduct the children then your lawyer will give you advice on that as will the abuse hotline.
    I've barely said hello to that fantasy life for the best part of a year, I've left it so we can all just try and get on with life but here I am constantly thinking of someone else.
    Getting with this man is the least of your worries and to bring him into the mess that you've not resolved with the POS you are living with is nothing short of cruel so don't even think about him until you've taken action to get away from your abuser. There is no excuse to keep your children around a brute like him so do something on Monday within business hours. I would imagine that you can reach someone at the abuse hotline right now.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Inform yourself on abusive relationships. The threats the chaos the violence and most of all the damage to yourself and your children. You must start telling trusted friends and family what is going on. Slowly start to sever ties. Start lining up a safe place for you and your kids to stay.

    If he is in/out of jail because of drugs make sure, if you have an issue, you get help for that. Clean up your life so you have no fears of having your kids taken away. If anything staying with a prison frequent flier and whatever lands him there could result in your kids being taken away.

    Sooner or later teachers, doctors, etc will hear about what you are subjecting them to and CPS will pay a visit. Stop staying in horrible situations. That may be fine for you partner after partner, but is that fair to innocent kids? Stop the "can't leave" thinking. Get yourself healthy, financially sound and get out. Daydreaming about a childhood love is not the answer an it's an escape while your kids suffer.
    Originally Posted by CharlieCheese
    I'm not married to my current partner, I can't leave him because I'm terrified of what he'll do if I try to break up with him, the last time I tried to leave him he threatened to take my youngest from me and there wouldn't be anything I could do to stop him.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 02-09-2020 at 03:14 PM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You've been given good advice about leaving a toxic relationship. One thing nobody else mentioned is that the man you've been kissing is taken. You're failing to see that red flag flying in your face, just as you failed to see or ignored the red flags with the man you're with right now. Your crush might have been a good family friend, but that doesn't always equate with being a good love interest. He is not a decent person, kissing another woman behind his girlfriend's back. And you think you're so special that he wouldn't cheat on you in the same way, with another woman who doesn't respect relationship boundaries, like he and you are doing right now?

    You've brought children into the world who didn't ask to be born. Your priority needs to be them above and beyond your desire for romance, which is likely wanting to be rescued from the toxic world you were a part of making with your poor choices.

    Remove you and your children to a safe place, and then concentrate on them, helping them adjust to a new way of life, transitioning to a less stressful environment. They don't need you distracted by a new love interest, and one who is yet another poor choice to boot.

    You need this time to learn to be happy as a single mother, because if you don't take a needed break to know who you are without living with a man, your man-picker will continue to be very broken. If you can seek out counseling to help you gain some self-worth and develop some confidence, you will never accept inappropriate men ever again, and perhaps your behavior will mature and your ethics will rise to the level they need to be at. Take care and keep us updated.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Contact local women's shelters or a domestic violence agency about counseling and help with forming a plan to leave the man you're afraid of. That's the only platform for anything else to build on, because remaining in a damsel-in-distress role isn't a great attractor for any self-respecting man. You need legal and emotional help first, so get that as a first step, and then you'll be better positioned to learn your next best steps toward the kind of life you want to pursue.

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