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Is this disrespectful?


May617

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I asked my boyfriend to go to a burger/ food truck festival. Without saying anything to me, he put an invite onto his work social thread then let me know that two girls he works with would be coming.

He says they will pick us up shortly after 12. I said I needed to go and move furniture at my brothers place and would be back by 12. I double checked the time before leaving l. I pull up at about 11:45 and see lots of missed calls from my boyfriend. As I go to his apartment, he comes out and says 'they're here now let's go. I tried to tell you the Change of plans but you didn't answer your phone'. OK, I went up stairs and got changed in a hurry, just as I was about to leave, I noticed a big stain on my top. As I didn't want them to wait I said 'I'll just come later'. My boyfriend turns and leaves without saying anything like 'no, we can wait'. It takes me less than ten minutes to get ready so I'm ready by 12, the originally agreed upon time. Now I'm expected to get an uber and meet them. Meanwhile he is at the festival with these two girls. We're supposed to go to a bar afterwards. To cut to the chase, I message him and say 'I'm not going because I don't want to arrive by myself and you disrespected me by leaving without me. Also, why didn't you just tell them to come at 12?'.he could see that I didn't read his messages so I thought the plan was still 12.

Is this disrespectful? Also, one of the girls he went with is a flirt and I really dislike her so I felt she would have a smug look on her face when I came without him.

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How long have you been dating? He seems a bit selfish and flaky. Why would he make it a work group thing and exclude you from it when it was your idea? It would be a good idea to dump him if this is his typical clueless behavior.

Without saying anything to me, he put an invite onto his work social thread then let me know that two girls he works with would be coming. Meanwhile he is at the festival with these two girls.
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The thing is he did exactly what you told him to do

 

As I didn't want them to wait I said 'I'll just come later'.

 

So off he went ...you can't tell him one thing then call him out for being disrespectful when he does it . You said it didn't take long to get changed so why didn't you just tell then to hang on .

 

He was obviously happy to trot off without you and happy to invite anyone along which doesn't paint to good a picture , was you testing him to see if he would go ? Not accusing you of anything , but it seems odd for you tell him to go then when he does you have an issue with it .

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If this really is a dating relationship and not just a pretend one by name only, then it's clearly a mess by this example. This story should have stopped right at the point that you invited him to an event, and without talking it over with you, he invited several others. He shouldn't do that, and you shouldn't have let it go by. The plans should have been discussed by you both. A real conversation, not one with emojis or abbreviations.

 

Further down this lack of communication, you can't say one thing and hope for a different outcome as in telling him to go and you'll meet him there, then getting mad when he does that.

 

This is probably a starter dating experience for you both and it's being phased out, hopefully you'll both learn from it for future ones.

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This is a classic example of the limits of texting as a reliable method of communication.

 

Nobody should consider modifying a plan according to an unresponded to text message.

 

Nevermind all the presumptions of how two people in a dating relationship should act.

 

Boyfriend invites two girls to go with you on a date?

 

Are you sure he knew it was a date?

 

Not a bunch of friends hanging out?

 

If I were you, I'd leave him to the other girls and look for a different boyfriend. And I'd insist on a real telephone call conversation, or even better, an in-person discussion, about any plans that involve a time.

 

Texting is convenient, but flawed for making plans.

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I asked my boyfriend to go to a burger/ food truck festival. Without saying anything to me, he put an invite onto his work social thread then let me know that two girls he works with would be coming.

He says they will pick us up shortly after 12. I said I needed to go and move furniture at my brothers place and would be back by 12. I double checked the time before leaving l. I pull up at about 11:45 and see lots of missed calls from my boyfriend. As I go to his apartment, he comes out and says 'they're here now let's go. I tried to tell you the Change of plans but you didn't answer your phone'. OK, I went up stairs and got changed in a hurry, just as I was about to leave, I noticed a big stain on my top. As I didn't want them to wait I said 'I'll just come later'. My boyfriend turns and leaves without saying anything like 'no, we can wait'. It takes me less than ten minutes to get ready so I'm ready by 12, the originally agreed upon time. Now I'm expected to get an uber and meet them. Meanwhile he is at the festival with these two girls. We're supposed to go to a bar afterwards. To cut to the chase, I message him and say 'I'm not going because I don't want to arrive by myself and you disrespected me by leaving without me. Also, why didn't you just tell them to come at 12?'.he could see that I didn't read his messages so I thought the plan was still 12.

Is this disrespectful? Also, one of the girls he went with is a flirt and I really dislike her so I felt she would have a smug look on her face when I came without him.

Instead of playing the petulant child, why didn't you just ask him to wait while you changed your stained top? Now if you did do that and he said no and left, then I would say you had something to be upset about. However, if you didn't then you are your own worse enemy and you set yourself up to fail. Now, why he invited the other women is another story, one that has made you resentful and jealous. Does he make you feel that way often? if he does then you should dump him and find a guy that is more sensitive to your wants and needs (but you'll have to make them known instead of just being petulant).

The thing is he did exactly what you told him to do

 

 

 

So off he went ...you can't tell him one thing then call him out for being disrespectful when he does it . You said it didn't take long to get changed so why didn't you just tell then to hang on .

Exactly!
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You can't be mad when you tell him to do something and he does it. How is he supposed to "just know" that you didn't mean it or that you had a script of actions he "should" have taken?

 

Next time tell him you will be ready in a few minutes (10 minutes to change your top?? I've done it in about 2 minutes) so please wait.

 

Don't play the "how dare you do what I told you to do!" game.

 

As for inviting others and changing the time, that's on him. Was it absolutely vital they leave 15 minutes earlier? They could have waited.

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OK I get it, he should have said, "Katie and Jen are interested in going, and they have offered us a ride, is this OK? And yes he should have been firm with them at what time out of consideration for you. If they wanted to leave early he could have told them to go on ahead. Maybe he was thinking about his wallet rather then you, and wanted to save some dough with this offer of free transportation.

You did mess up by telling him to just leave and you will catch up. Everyone is right, he did what he was told. But I see this was your $*&^ test, and expected him to stay behind, when obviously he failed your expectations. That upsets you, and you feel he didn't do the gentlemanly thing.

My conclusion: you two are on different pages. He's not looking at this as quality time with his GF, just a fun time going out. And where does that leave you? With different expectations and playing second fiddle.

Don't get mad, get rid of him.

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Yes, it's disrespectful! Your boyfriend doesn't know common sense if it hit him upside his head! :eek: He obviously doesn't have an education regarding empathy.

 

The purpose of having a boyfriend is to be exclusive which means NOT including others during your outing with him. This should be your alone time with him and you have every right to enjoy being just with him regardless of the location or event. Then he has no qualms making the jaunt to the festival without you. What a guy!

 

You need a 1:1 talk with your boyfriend preferably in person with zero distractions. Put the phones down, turn everything off, make sure there aren't any background noises and have full fledged concentration on having a serious discussion about his unacceptable behavior. If he's a child and refuses to mature and grow up about treating you right and with utmost respect, then you need a new boyfriend who knows how to mind his manners properly.

 

Make sure any boyfriend is a man and NOT still a boy.

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How long have you been dating? I’m wondering if you told him to go ahead without him because you were hoping or expecting him to say he’d wait for you, or if you were afraid of what he would say if you asked him to wait.

 

I do think that he was very inconsiderate of your feelings, and seemed to care more about what his coworkers thought than what you did. If you’re feeling a weird vibe between him and the one coworker, then you should trust your gut. Even an emotional affair can be trouble. Better to figure that out now, and not be surprised by it later.

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Sounds like this is early days in terms of dating and already seems like you have much different expectations.

 

Generally agree with the others. You told him to carry on without you and he did so I am struggling to see why you are mad at him.

 

Learn to communicate honestly and openly. You could have said wait 5 mins as this is all it takes for you to get changed and I'm sure they would have.

 

Having a mini-huff and testing him is not helpful to you him or anyone.

 

Tests are the way immature women go about relationships. Any man worth his salt would ignore them and proceed which is what this guy has done. I view females who test in a negative light in terms of a relationship material. It says to me you lack the emotional maturity to engage in a rational and reasonable conversation when an issue arises.

 

You have had to come online to post about this situation you created which could have all been avoided by you stating "give me 10 mins and I'll be ready."

 

Can't speak for him personally but if it was me I'd be feeling a loss of attraction towards you right now.

 

I don't hold much hope for this relationship going forward. Might be better to call it a day while it seems early.

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Inviting his coworkers without consulting with you was wrong. Hands down. Strike one.

 

Calling and texting you and making feel rushed and frazzled and like the odd man out because they all decided to change the time while you were busy with other things was wrong. Strike two.

 

Telling him to go ahead and go was your bad. Don't ever tell a person to go and then be upset they took you at your word. That said, if he had an ounce of give a fck about you, he would have told you to relax and get changed and they'll wait. My impression is that he was rearing to take off and acting like you were holding everyone back and being an inconvenience. This guy sucks.

 

Running off with his coworkers, one of whom you have a bad feeling about. Strike three and he is out. NO matter how you spin it, he showed you that he cares more about hanging out with those chics, possibly one of them more than the other, than he cares about you. He treated you, his gf, like a third wheel in this. I'd give him the proverbial boot for that and be done. Never waste your time and life on a guy who treats you like an option. Besides, it sounds like him being rude is the least of your problems here.

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If you really like this guy and want to salvage the relationship, then I'd de-escalate this by skipping strong and offensive terms like 'disrespect'. It was a misunderstanding.

 

I'd own the fact that I told him to go ahead without meaning it. It's important for you to expect that people will take what you say at face value, and it's manipulative to expect them not to.

 

However, piling on extra people to your plan is dense and not something I'd appreciate. So that's the thing I'd address AFTER apologizing for my own behavior. If BF and I were to mend fences based on my apology, then I'd take the conversation a step forward by respectfully and kindly asking if he'll agree to a ground rule of clarifying our plans fully with one another, and neither can alter them without checking first that the other agrees and will conform to the change.

 

If BF is resistant to that, then I'd consider carefully whether he owns the maturity and sensitivity to remain a BF.

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I mean... is this the same guy that's hanging out with prostitutes and going to strip clubs knowing that it upsets you?

 

Or is this a different guy?

 

Either way... yes he was disrespectful, however you need to do a better job of communicating honestly instead of being passive aggressive.

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Inviting his coworkers without consulting with you was wrong. Hands down. Strike one.

 

Calling and texting you and making feel rushed and frazzled and like the odd man out because they all decided to change the time while you were busy with other things was wrong. Strike two.

 

Telling him to go ahead and go was your bad. Don't ever tell a person to go and then be upset they took you at your word. That said, if he had an ounce of give a fck about you, he would have told you to relax and get changed and they'll wait. My impression is that he was rearing to take off and acting like you were holding everyone back and being an inconvenience. This guy sucks.

 

Running off with his coworkers, one of whom you have a bad feeling about. Strike three and he is out. NO matter how you spin it, he showed you that he cares more about hanging out with those chics, possibly one of them more than the other, than he cares about you. He treated you, his gf, like a third wheel in this. I'd give him the proverbial boot for that and be done. Never waste your time and life on a guy who treats you like an option. Besides, it sounds like him being rude is the least of your problems here.

 

I agree with this 100%! How is everything going now? I hope you were able to express your concerns with him and you've called it a day with him. He doesn't deserve your time; he obviously doesn't respect it.

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Well personally I am all about politeness and consideration of others because this is how I was brought up. So I think it's rude in any situation when you were invited to something to just go ahead and invite other people without asking permission. It's just bad manners.

 

I get it because I have an ex who was quite socially unaware and did things like this on a regular basis and it really annoyed me. I remember one time when we only just started dating, we were meeting in a cafe (I presumed for a date) and my ex just turned up with a friend of theirs and said the friend would be joining us! And never mentioned anything to me prior to that! I do think that is very rude.

 

I feel like maybe your boyfriend is the same and he's socially unaware and kind of self focused. Some people are not trying to be deliberately rude but it might just be their way of thinking and/or their upbringing. My ex did similar things on a semi regular basis and said they were genuinely unaware that their behaviour was rude and didn't mean anything bad by it.

 

It sounds to me like your boyfriend is a bit too self-focused or for some reason cares more what his work colleagues think. Like why did he feel the need to invite his colleagues along? Also if the girls turned up early then THEY should be waiting for you. If he expected that he was just gonna blow up your phone with calls and you'd drop everything, that's wrong.

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