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Am I just not good at online dating?


teeEFc

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Every single person has ghosted me.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong?

I'm not clingy at all.

I mirror their conversations.

I ask interesting questions.

I answer their questions thoughtfully.

 

I am not incessantly texting anyone.

 

Of course, I'm only on one site right now - coffeemeetsbagel which is a free site.

 

I have an interesting life - so I've got things to say and talk about at the moment.

 

Any advice would be wonderful. Is this just the nature of online dating? I would have thought even one of the guys I 'connected' with or spoke with would want to meet up. At this point - nadda.

 

Thanks ENAers!

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Does that count as ghosting?

 

By my book? No, far from it. Ghosting is when you've been on a few dates, there's a vibe, likely some physical intimacy, and then boom: your texts go unanswered, the person who was once a person is, well, a ghost.

 

What you're describing? It's online dating, or a part of it that can be pretty frustrating. I can only speak for myself, but I found the easiest way to avoid it is to not talk to people for weeks, but limit it to minutes. A nice back and forth to determine if someone seems worth meeting, followed by plans to meet. If that failed to materialize? I just moved on.

 

A lot of people out there are into just chatting with strangers online, and using apps for that. No judgement, whatever floats your boat, and so forth. But if you're not into that? Well, then I'd just let those chats fade out or, depending on your ideas about women asking dudes out, see if the man behind the pixels feels like a coffee, walk in the park, glass of wine, whatever.

 

In other words, maybe focus more on what you want, and why you're on the apps, rather than mirroring the dudes.

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I guess cyber ghosting?

Like I'll have weeks of texting with these guys - and then they just abruptly stop speaking with me. Does that count as ghosting?

Why aren't you making dates? chatting on line for weeks might get boring and the guys lose interest or find others that actually want to meet.
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I just didn't know whether I should start asking for dates?

I heard that it turns a guy off if you're too forward?

 

But, for none of the guys I text ask to go on a date? Is that usual?

 

I usually let things die.

I would like to actually go on dates and not waste my time texting. I have very little time for that nowadays with all of my volunteer work etc.

 

Thanks for helping me out though!

I did have a guy, I suppose, ACTUALLY ghost me after seeing me a few times. It's a long and confusing story for me. I was really hurt by it at the end of the day. Maybe I should post on here and get everyone's opinions on it.

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Sometimes its just not the right time to meet that special one, i would suggest keep it casual dont put your heart in until you are sure the guy is worth it.if a person disappears after first few, then you should feel happy that he left so early.Move on dont feel bad, its just an experience. Have you tried meeting up singles from your volunteering work, just casual.

Have fun, enjoy your singles life, be patient.

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I did OLD for a few years. If a guy didn't ask me out soon after initial communication, I never asked them out but I would message them or text: Well, I think we've found out enough about each other through e-mails and texts, so if you want my number, let me know and we can chat on the phone.

 

And with a phone conversation or two, if they didn't ask me out, I'd stop communicating.

 

If you have Meetup.com groups in your area, I'd supplement your social life with that avenue. I didn't meet anyone of quality on the OLD free site I used. I used a site I paid for and met my future husband there. For us, it was just being lucky that we both happened to be on there at the same time and had the same dating goals. He spoke to a lot of flakes and women who seemed to just want to be pen pals, so the frustrating experiences happens to both genders. It's like sifting through a lot of sand to find the treasure.

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I just didn't know whether I should start asking for dates?

I heard that it turns a guy off if you're too forward?

 

But, for none of the guys I text ask to go on a date? Is that usual?

 

I usually let things die.

I would like to actually go on dates and not waste my time texting. I have very little time for that nowadays with all of my volunteer work etc.

 

Thanks for helping me out though!

I did have a guy, I suppose, ACTUALLY ghost me after seeing me a few times. It's a long and confusing story for me. I was really hurt by it at the end of the day. Maybe I should post on here and get everyone's opinions on it.

I probably wouldn't ask a guy out. But if they don't ask after a few messages, cut bait and move on.
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Part of the deal with online dating. Everyone can pick and choose off the shelf whom they wish to speak to. It’s just something you have to accept if you utilize this paradigm. It’s nothing to take personally, especially from someone you’ve never met. Just keep going down the aisle and see who else is on the shelf that wants s to chat. None of it enters the realm of reality in the context of a meeting until you see them in 3D.

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Cool. Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

You know, I did meet some nice guys doing my volunteer work. However, I liked one of them - and was told by some on here to not mix volunteering with dating. I tried to invite the guy out for coffee, beer etc. He cancelled on me last minute and never did reschedule.

 

Honestly, unless I go to a paid site I'm not sure what to do.

I have done meetup.com. No dice yet. I'm a pretty chill person and I have no issue introducing myself to a person I like.

 

I did have one experience with a guy from a volunteer organization. I thought he was gay the whole time. I was just happy to be his friend - we enjoyed a lot of great banter. We met up twice previously to work on our volunteer project at a coffee shop and at a pub. For our third interaction he invited himself to my place - which I thought was a bit forward. But, I went with it thinking everything was completely platonic. The first time, we just cuddled and watched tv and talked about life (which I do with some of my closer gay friends).

 

The second time - well, that's when I realized he wasn't talking to me for friendship.

I couldn't sleep with him as I was on my period. He kept stopping during our make out sessions and saying he was 'sorry, but he's still dealing with issues with his previous relationship'. He thanked me a couple of times for being 'so chill about everything'. At this point in my life, I'm really easy going. I put no pressure on him for anything more than what he wanted. I let him lead.

 

I texted him the next day - I told him I had a lot of fun and would love to see him again. I even gave 2 days as options. No answer.

 

I texted him once more - I said I really enjoyed his company. I would be fine with whatever type of relationship he wanted - including a friendship. I told him I saw him as an awesome friend first and foremost.

 

Again, no answer.

 

It was so odd, especially after how STRONG he came on for a couple of months prior to this last encounter.

 

I was hurt by his ghosting. I sincerely didn't care about a relationship. I was good with everything. I don't understand his actions at all. I wouldn't be hurt if he wasn't attracted to me either. It's NOT clear what I did wrong in this scenario either.

 

I think I might post this experience on the dating advice forum separately as well to see what ENAers think about this situation. Is he done with me? Should I text him anything else? I do miss his company. We got along SO SO well! I could keep up with his banter, and he with mine! We were like gangbusters with how we joked around. His words in a text to me: "someone so attractive, smart and witty is intimidating to the rest of us" - so like what happened?

 

Gosh, I'm so confused by everything these days.

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I did OLD for a few years. If a guy didn't ask me out soon after initial communication, I never asked them out but I would message them or text: Well, I think we've found out enough about each other through e-mails and texts, so if you want my number, let me know and we can chat on the phone.

 

And with a phone conversation or two, if they didn't ask me out, I'd stop communicating.

 

If you have Meetup.com groups in your area, I'd supplement your social life with that avenue. I didn't meet anyone of quality on the OLD free site I used. I used a site I paid for and met my future husband there. For us, it was just being lucky that we both happened to be on there at the same time and had the same dating goals. He spoke to a lot of flakes and women who seemed to just want to be pen pals, so the frustrating experiences happens to both genders. It's like sifting through a lot of sand to find the treasure.

 

Thanks for your advice! I'll be employing that strategy from now on.

I think I'll just bite the bullet and register for Eharmony or something like that.

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Cool. Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

You know, I did meet some nice guys doing my volunteer work. However, I liked one of them - and was told by some on here to not mix volunteering with dating. I tried to invite the guy out for coffee, beer etc. He cancelled on me last minute and never did reschedule.

 

Honestly, unless I go to a paid site I'm not sure what to do.

I have done meetup.com. No dice yet. I'm a pretty chill person and I have no issue introducing myself to a person I like.

 

I did have one experience with a guy from a volunteer organization. I thought he was gay the whole time. I was just happy to be his friend - we enjoyed a lot of great banter. He invited himself to my place - which I thought was a bit forward. But, I went with it thinking everything was completely platonic. The first time, we just cuddled and watched tv and talked about life (which I do with some of my closer gay friends).

 

The second time - well, that's when I realized he wasn't talking to me for friendship.

I couldn't sleep with him as I was on my period. He kept stopping during our make out sessions and saying he was 'sorry, but he's still dealing with issues with his previous relationship'. He thanked me a couple of times for being 'so chill about everything'. At this point in my life, I'm really easy going. I put no pressure on him for anything more than what he wanted. I let him lead.

 

I texted him the next day - I told him I had a lot of fun and would love to see him again. I even gave 2 days as options. No answer.

 

I texted him once more - I said I really enjoyed his company. I would be fine with whatever type of relationship he wanted - including a friendship. I told him I saw him as an awesome friend first and foremost.

 

Again, no answer.

 

It was so odd, especially after how STRONG he came on for a couple of months prior to this last encounter.

 

I was hurt by his ghosting. I sincerely didn't care about a relationship. I was good with everything. I don't understand his actions at all. I wouldn't be hurt if he wasn't attracted to me either. It's NOT clear what I did wrong in this scenario either.

 

I think I might post this experience on the dating advice forum separately as well to see what ENAers think about this situation. Is he done with me? Should I text him anything else? I do miss his company. We got along SO SO well! I could keep up with his banter, and he with mine! We were like gangbusters with how we joked around. His words in a text to me: "someone so attractive, smart and witty is intimidating to the rest of us" - so like happened?

 

Gosh, I'm so confused by everything these days.

 

He probably went back to or continued his "previous relationship".

 

And you say you don't act desperate or clingy but what you told him definitely sounded desperate. Like you were willing to accept or put up with anything just to keep him in your life.

 

Maybe consider the things you're telling these men during your texting conversations.

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He probably went back to or continued his "previous relationship".

 

Yah, that's totally a possibility. But, I'm cool with that. I made it clear I was more than happy to call him my friend. I'd be happy for him if he found someone he really liked.

 

I told him I felt comfortable with him before he left my place the last time. So, why the ghosting? He had no pressure from me.

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Yah, that's totally a possibility. But, I'm cool with that. I made it clear I was more than happy to call him my friend. I'd be happy for him if he found someone he really liked.

 

I told him I felt comfortable with him before he left my place the last time. So, why the ghosting? He had no pressure from me.

 

I edited my reply.

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He probably went back to or continued his "previous relationship".

 

And you say you don't act desperate or clingy but what you told him definitely sounded desperate. Like you were willing to accept or put up with anything just to keep him in your life.

 

Maybe consider the things you're telling these men during your texting conversations.

 

hmmm......I never thought about it like that. I just didn't want him to feel awkward that I was some crazy girl that now expected some kind of romantic relationship. I thought I was taking the high road by giving him the out. I was trying to help out the situation. Oh well, live and learn I guess. I haven't contacted him since.

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Cool. Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

You know, I did meet some nice guys doing my volunteer work. However, I liked one of them - and was told by some on here to not mix volunteering with dating. I tried to invite the guy out for coffee, beer etc. He cancelled on me last minute and never did reschedule.

 

Honestly, unless I go to a paid site I'm not sure what to do.

I have done meetup.com. No dice yet. I'm a pretty chill person and I have no issue introducing myself to a person I like.

 

I did have one experience with a guy from a volunteer organization. I thought he was gay the whole time. I was just happy to be his friend - we enjoyed a lot of great banter. We met up twice previously to work on our volunteer project at a coffee shop and at a pub. For our third interaction he invited himself to my place - which I thought was a bit forward. But, I went with it thinking everything was completely platonic. The first time, we just cuddled and watched tv and talked about life (which I do with some of my closer gay friends).

 

The second time - well, that's when I realized he wasn't talking to me for friendship.

I couldn't sleep with him as I was on my period. He kept stopping during our make out sessions and saying he was 'sorry, but he's still dealing with issues with his previous relationship'. He thanked me a couple of times for being 'so chill about everything'. At this point in my life, I'm really easy going. I put no pressure on him for anything more than what he wanted. I let him lead.

 

I texted him the next day - I told him I had a lot of fun and would love to see him again. I even gave 2 days as options. No answer.

 

I texted him once more - I said I really enjoyed his company. I would be fine with whatever type of relationship he wanted - including a friendship. I told him I saw him as an awesome friend first and foremost.

 

Again, no answer.

 

It was so odd, especially after how STRONG he came on for a couple of months prior to this last encounter.

 

I was hurt by his ghosting. I sincerely didn't care about a relationship. I was good with everything. I don't understand his actions at all. I wouldn't be hurt if he wasn't attracted to me either. It's NOT clear what I did wrong in this scenario either.

 

I think I might post this experience on the dating advice forum separately as well to see what ENAers think about this situation. Is he done with me? Should I text him anything else? I do miss his company. We got along SO SO well! I could keep up with his banter, and he with mine! We were like gangbusters with how we joked around. His words in a text to me: "someone so attractive, smart and witty is intimidating to the rest of us" - so like what happened?

 

Gosh, I'm so confused by everything these days.

 

Sounds to me like he liked you, but wasn’t in a place where he was ready to get invested in any way. Nothing to do with you at all.

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I heard that it turns a guy off if you're too forward?

 

I would worry less about "guys," as if they're a monolithic species who all operate in a single capacity, and more about you, and what you want from a guy in particular. Want to ask a guy out? Go for it. Want to only go out with guys who ask you out? Also all good. And if you don't want to text and text? Well, then don't.

 

I went on lots of dates when I used the apps, but spent very little time on them or thinking about them. That worked for me. There were plenty of people who I guess I could label a flake, in that they kind of seemed to just want vague chats, but since I didn't want that it was pretty easy to just move along with a shrug. Did I miss out on gold that way? Nah. I ended up meeting someone great. Took time, took patience, took not being too invested in whether I met someone great or not.

 

Sorry about the confusion with the dude. Happens. Isn't about you, but just a dude lost in his own sauce at the moment. Plenty of that out there in the world, nothing to get too hung up on.

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Sounds to me like he liked you, but wasn’t in a place where he was ready to get invested in any way. Nothing to do with you at all.

 

Nice. Thanks so much for your feedback on my little side story there. It's nice to know I'm not crazy and I didn't do something odd. Your comments help give me a bit of closure :D I really, really tried my best to learn from my relationship mistakes. I still have a ways to go - but I'm getting better.

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I would worry less about "guys," as if they're a monolithic species who all operate in a single capacity, and more about you, and what you want from a guy in particular. Want to ask a guy out? Go for it. Want to only go out with guys who ask you out? Also all good. And if you don't want to text and text? Well, then don't.

 

I went on lots of dates when I used the apps, but spent very little time on them or thinking about them. That worked for me. There were plenty of people who I guess I could label a flake, in that they kind of seemed to just want vague chats, but since I didn't want that it was pretty easy to just move along with a shrug. Did I miss out on gold that way? Nah. I ended up meeting someone great. Took time, took patience, took not being too invested in whether I met someone great or not.

 

Sorry about the confusion with the dude. Happens. Isn't about you, but just a dude lost in his own sauce at the moment. Plenty of that out there in the world, nothing to get too hung up on.

 

Yah - that's very fair. I'm not necessarily the type to abide by 'rules' as I figure if I like the person, ask them out and they end up being offended by my forwardness, than they aren't the right one for me. However, others around me told me that this type of behaviour isn't attractive - guys like the chase etc etc. Now, I'm not being aggressive in my advances = I try to be flirtatious without looking desperate. I just casually talk about hanging out etc.

 

But, I guess you're right. I'll just start asking guys out for coffee from now on. And, tell them if they want to continue talking in person - they can. Otherwise, I've learned enough from them via text.

 

Thanks for your sympathies about my other guy. It's good to get feedback from other people on here that I didn't do something egregiously wrong. He is 24, does not have a stable job and I think he needs to figure out his . I did like him, and I accepted him for who he was and where he was on the continuum of life, but oh well. Like you said, nothing to get too hung up on. But thanks again for your feedback. I'm feeling a bit better about how that whole situation went down after reading some of the comments on here.

 

The sad part: WE STILL NEED TO DO OUR VOLUNTEER PROJECT! Like, seriously! But, he won't contact me so I don't know what to do. Ugh.

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If they are not arranging to meet within a week or so you need to stop texting. Get on some quality dating apps and try to round out your real life a bit more. Texting is not dating.

I'll have weeks of texting with these guys - and then they just abruptly stop speaking with me.

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Thanks! That's the thing - I've literally got a million things going on. I just made time for texting.

I think I'll be done with these free apps.

 

You're correct, let's start doing some quality dating apps from here on out.

 

But Wiseman - is there any advice you have for how a girl should deal with the communication stuff? Was I doing something wrong or is this the nature of the beast with free dating apps? I'm hoping that this type of stuff won't happen with better dating apps.

 

Thanks for your advice!

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Texting is not dating. Either make time to meet men for a brief coffee within a week or so or get off dating sites. Don't use dating sites, texting and guys to fill up your boredom or get attention. Meet within a week or no. No date = delete and block. It's that simple.

I just made time for texting.
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Every single person has ghosted me.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong?

I'm not clingy at all.

I mirror their conversations.

I ask interesting questions.

I answer their questions thoughtfully.

 

I am not incessantly texting anyone.

 

Of course, I'm only on one site right now - coffeemeetsbagel which is a free site.

 

I have an interesting life - so I've got things to say and talk about at the moment.

 

Any advice would be wonderful. Is this just the nature of online dating? I would have thought even one of the guys I 'connected' with or spoke with would want to meet up. At this point - nadda.

 

Thanks ENAers!

 

This is not ghosting. Simply people declining to pursue further contact with the goal of meeting in person. Don't date online, date in person. Use the online site to make the first contact, exchange one or two messages, do a 20 minute or so conversation by phone as a safety/incompatibility screening then meet in a public place for coffee -you suggest it if you like. It's not a date. It's a first meet to see if you should go on a date. I used online dating sites and met in person over 100 men. Many were good people. Several of my friends met their husbands through dating sites. They dated in person, not online.

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