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Thread: Musings

  1. #1
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Musings

    here's something i said i wouldnt do on another post and that's start a journal. ---lies. im bored, lonely and think it would be good to let out feelings and get things off my chest. i will be rambling. it will be random. but it will be real.

    about me; im 31, female, and i live in atlanta. i work for myself and dont have alot of friends. the ones i do have i dont hang with like that. this makes my life very isolated. when i was younger this didnt bother me but now it does. im in a relationship now for 4 yrs. with a guy we will call chad. he works alot and doesnt make time for me like he should. i feel very neglected but we r trying. that's really the only issue with him is the time thing and the fact that he could spice things up a lil...he's a bit dull, bless his heart but a sweet guy. recently (end of last yr) this turned into an open relationship. also, last year i was dating a guy we will call Rick (id started cheating last year..) that i eventually fell in love with. we're not together anymore. this has affected me greatly.

    i suffer from anxiety and depression on and off. it really flared up last year in jan and feb (ironically). towards the middle of 2014 it started to go away. this coincided with meeting rick and just getting out there meeting ppl. well now that rick and i are apart i find my anxiety coming back. i feel alone all over again. sometimes i wake up and im ok, but some days r worse than others. rick and i still text here and there with him doing the initiating. im the kind of woman where if someone implies or says "space" or that he/she doesnt want to be bothered with me (in so many words) then i dont chase them. period. however when he texts i do reply. i wrote a lil more about rick in a previous post..

    pretty much i just work and get online. i used to get in the gym but it seems like i cant get the motivation to go anymore. i lost a gang of weight but unfortunately its coming back on due to my inactivity. which is unusual for me cause im anything but a homebody, i love to be out. but nowadays, not so much. that's how i know im in a mood/bad space. the only thing i really do is go shopping: A LOT. it makes me feel good, for the moment. then im empty again. somethings missing. i can physically feel it in my body, like a void in the middle of my chest.


    ...more to come

  2. #2
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    The club and intimidation

    so there's a club i have been meaning to go to for awhile. i havent gone to the club frequently since i was younger and definitely not recently. it plays the type of old school music i like. anyway maybe it will be good for me to get out. i havent gone out in ages. me and my bf chad went out a few weeks ago to an amusement place but it wasnt that much fun. i mean it was "alright" you know. tonight, if i go to the club ill be going alone. when i was younger id always go to the club alone because i love dancing.

    i keep having this thought that maybe some guy will come up and talk to me but honestly i notice that guys dont approach me. they do sometimes , but more often i notice guys will look but that's all. like theyre scared to come up to me. i was just reading a thread that reminded me of this. i had a few ppl tell me that i look intimidating to approach. one of my exes said that if he had seen me in public (he met me online) he wouldve never approached me. this makes me doubt that someone will come up to me tonight and honestly it's ok if they dont, but the attention would be nice. it's hard to feel good about yourself when one person (bf) doesnt give you a lot of attn and you had someone you love breakup with you not too long ago. anyway if i do go ill definitely update here and let yall know what happened, if anything.

    meanwhile my ex rick texted me today, as he usually does. filled me in on something that happened at work. everytime he texts me i have mixed feelings. on one hand im glad to hear from him. on the other hand i think of him breaking up with me and i think to myself: what was the point of breaking up with me when youre going to text me anyway? ---> oh i forgot to tell you guys, rick and i still have sex. which is fine by me cause we started out as friends w/ benefits before he fell and then eventually i fell too. and the sex is soooooo damn good. it always was from day one. im a very sexual person. some ppl use weed or alcohol to relax, i use sex. it's my "thing". interestingly ,as my mom pointed out the other day, im one of those rare females that can have sex and separate it from actual emotion. what made me fall for rick was getting to know him over the phone and spending time outside the bedroom. anyway, that being said, we have some very hot exchanges over text, very hot and xxx and ill just leave it at that. boy i miss having regular access to that and him in general...

  3. #3
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    dreams

    well i ended up not going to the club i was so tired but there's always next time. meanwhile i just woke and had a dream about my ex rick . ugh...this has been happening lately. woke up and had a short text from him that i havent replied to yet. when i was still in love with an old ex some years ago i would have the most vivid dreams. im talkin years after we broke up but not as frequent, and sometimes the dreams would come true. like i dreamed about him in a wedding and i contacted him later that day...hadnt talked to him in months...turns out he'd gotten re-married to his ex wife (who he's now in the process of divorcing again...go figure). and several others that were spot on. it was eerie. these dreams with rick arent anything serious . the one last night was sexual. seems i cant stop thinking about him when im awake or asleep

  4. #4
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    first day back in the gym and a soup diet

    i just came back from the gym for the first time since late last year...it went really well. i just hope i can stick with it. im going to try and be positive. ive gained quite a bit of weight back since the ex and i parted ways and even b4 that i started letting myself go. nothing says "dont u wish u had me back" like a sickening bod...looking even better than when u met them. also ive been meaning to get back for awhile now.

    meanwhile something id like to share for those that are interested. in the latest edition of womans world magazine here in the US theres a great cover story about a soup diet. now usually i just do a sensible "lifestyle change" that includes nutrition. i dont get on "diets", but this is based in science. the soup, created by a dr. that recently wrote a book actually eliminates toxins in our body (from bad foods, stress, etc) that hinder fat loss. one older lady said she lost 11 lbs in less than a week and that was only from eating the soup and no other lifestyle changes...there are similar stories as well from a panel of volunteers that were on the diet thru the dr. oz show.....im going to give it a try . im also going to post the recipe here for those that are interested. i just hope i can stick to it. i have a habit of starting a good path and then mentally or emotionally something will happen and ill just kind of fall off. im hoping once i see results i will be encouraged to stick with it , which is what happened the first time i lost weight.

    Im going to make this soup and then post a review here soon....

    Soup recipe:

    -1 large onion diced
    -2 medium carrots diced
    -1 roughly chopped white radish root
    -1 cup diced winter squash
    -2 cups roughly chopped kale
    -1 cup diced turnips
    -2 stalks celery diced
    -1/2 cup chopped dried seaweed (at local health food store)
    -1/2 cup shredded cabbage
    -1 small piece fresh ginger
    -2 cloves garlic
    -1 cup mushrooms
    -3 quarts water
    -salt, pepper, hot sauce, and additional herbs and spices to taste (these are optional , flavor to your liking it says)

    ---instructions: combine all ingredients in a large pot and bring to a low boil for 60 mins. cool slightly. if desired, use an immersion blender or regular blender to puree veggies a bit. season to taste. store in a tightly sealed glass container.

    (from woman's world mag feb 2, 2015 usa)

  5.  

  6. #5
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    So my ex just text me...sudden mood change. also, friend judgement?

    actually he pretty much texts me everyday. he is always the initiator. well he text me "hey _______" and i text him "hey rick". also i should mention we play an online game back and forth throughout the day. we've been doing this since we were dating.

    so id found this fun picture on facebook that i thought would be amusing to him. an interest we share. i hesitated at first to send it because i dont like being the one to reach out. but then i said oh wth, why not, i mean he did just reach out and play the game a lil with me. don't ask me what compelled me to send it , it was so random but that's how we always are/were, random and just sending funny stuff thru the day. i guess i kind of miss having someone to do that with. so i sent it. i got a pretty dry response back. maybe im reading into it too much, he couldve been busy or working suddenly (he's at work). sometimes he would text back one word or seemingly dry answers when we were dating but it was because he was at work and unable to text long texts back and forth. it seems unlikely tho because hed just taken a game turn, and this is an online game you cant play while doing other things. given what happened between us now i question everything.

    so now im back to not reaching out. that will be the last thing i send for a looooong time. unless he initiates. i know some ppl may wonder why am i still talking to him. im still in love with him, that's why. if it had been up to me to initiate though we wouldnt even be still talking, cause i don't chase anyone. and i told him that when we were breaking up...i said id like to have u as a friend and have u still be in my life but if you really want to go and don't wanna have anything to do with me (which is what he was implying at the time) i wont ever bother you again: bye. ---exact words (basically). he then said he didnt want me out of his life completely. but he knows how i roll. if he wants to have some type of connection to me it's up to him to keep it going, as the one that dumped me. confusion seems to be the name of the game on his end and apparently on mine too.

    then i just text one of my friends that knows about the situation from day one with us. he asked me how do i put up with the uncertainty etc he couldnt do it. which leads me to: sometimes i feel so stupid talking about this subject to the few friends i talk to. i feel a wave of judgement and head shaking on the other side of the phone. which is really y i started this journal. just to put my thoughts down without that feeling i get sometimes. because the truth is, we all have to travel our own path , make our own decisions, right or wrong. no one makes "perfect" decisions all the time. however i get the feeling that this particular friend, although a cool friend , often plays like he "mr perfect" saying things like "i wouldnt have done that" or "psssh...that could never be me". now i am also good friends with his boyfriend of over 7 years and let me tell you....little does he know that the boyfriend tells me everything going on in their relationship (for advice and comfort purposes) and he is far from perfect or making the right decisions. he likes to paint a facade for the outside world. problem is, im not the outside world, im a friend.

    anyway my mood kind of changed after that "incident" with my ex. im still ok and feeling good from the gym, it just made me think a little. he used to tell me all the time i have too many walls up, but this is y. its scary to trust a person to be cool especially after a breakup.

    thanks for listening

  7. #6
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    recipe correction! strain veggies and drink broth...

    Originally Posted by
    Soup recipe:

    -1 large onion diced
    -2 medium carrots diced
    -1 roughly chopped white radish root
    -1 cup diced winter squash
    -2 cups roughly chopped kale
    -1 cup diced turnips
    -2 stalks celery diced
    -1/2 cup chopped dried seaweed (at local health food store)
    -1/2 cup shredded cabbage
    -1 small piece fresh ginger
    -2 cloves garlic
    -1 cup mushrooms
    -3 quarts water
    -salt, pepper, hot sauce, and additional herbs and spices to taste (these are optional , flavor to your liking it says)

    ---instructions: combine all ingredients in a large pot and bring to a low boil for 60 mins. cool slightly. if desired, use an immersion blender or regular blender to puree veggies a bit. season to taste. [B
    strain the broth and keep the broth stored in a tightly sealed glass container. discard the veggies, all the nutrients are gone from them at this point. Drink broth, use within 1 week or freeze[/B]

    (from woman's world mag feb 2, 2015 usa) link removed

  8. #7
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    just had sex w/ ex ...good sex

    rick text me and asked if i could drop him off at work. his car is broken. i agreed. this is the 2nd time ive taken him. as you know from an earlier post today i was feeling "some kind of way" that i couldnt pinpoint about rick. ive been a lil down all day ever since his earlier text. while en route to pick him up i felt mixed feelings. i can't even explain it and im not sure why. he didnt really "do" anything today i think i just get in these moods cause i miss him.

    anyway i picked him up and drove him to his job. on the way i told him i would let you drive so i can give you "something" (oral). --we're always talking sexual back and forth. we started out as fwb. he said no why dont we just wait til we get to my truck (hes a trucker and he has a sleeper compartment). so long story short we had sex (2nd time after breakup). at first i wasnt into it (he didnt know that), but then i got more in the mood and it ending up being good , as usual. the sex is always SO GOOD. (warning this is about to get a bit graphic maybe for some) while we were intimate i usually talk and say little sexy things, he does it too. i was kissing him during sex and told him in between kisses "damn i miss f___g you" and he said "i miss f____g u too". it was beyond passionate. it always is.

    then after sex we kissed and held each other...necked etc. he was just holding me rubbing my back: It's during these truly intimate moments that i realize how much i really miss him. i told him that i was looking thru some pics in my phone the other day and found a pic that we took on a date (but it was a sexual pic) and how hot it made me. then he said "yeah...man , that was a fun day....we did this and that (etc)"....he just started looking off in the distance and recalling a lil about that day and how much fun it was. i was thinking, yeah....u miss me too huh? ---i remember at the end of that date (the one he was reminiscing about) he remarked to me "wow ...i havent had this much fun in years". and when ppl say things like that and then recall events with fondness , i always ask myself, why then? i know the given answers but there's a part in my head that's still like....why? (I wrote a post about rick not too long ago outside of my journal explaining the breakup for those that dont know).

    anyway the whole time i was thinking "man i cant wait to get home and type this up on enotalone " lol.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    random

    right now i just feel like im just "here". im not sure how i feel. i do know ive been going to the gym and drinking my health broth, which i will update everybody about after a few weeks to give it time to work.

    i saw chat (my bf, open rltnshp) the other day. we spent some time together , and it was actually real nice. keep in mind i love my bf but he doesnt set my soul on fire or anything. its a "stable" love.

    rick texts here and there still. i have mixed feelings about him. i forgot to mention this, last time i saw him he looked at me and said "girl...." and then paused for a min...i said "what?" he replied "oh ...nothing , nothing". what was that all about? i know he wanted to say something but didnt.

    anyway today is super bowl sun here in the US. i dont care about football so i wove n't be watching. im about to go to the gym. i just kind of feel indifferent. course i just woke up. sometimes i feel like im just existing and not "living". esp when i spend alot of time by myself.

    which reminds me, let me tell u about a friend of mine. he is so boring sometimes. last week he told me "hey lets go to some stores on friday" which i thought was great, we both enjoy the same stores and love shopping. fri rolls around and he backs out for a BS reason. he's obviously not obligated to go out with me but this is a pattern of his. so the other day (b4 this even happened) i put an ad up on a local personals site looking for friends only. i need some new friends people. i did get a few responses....some of them seem promising. i put an ad up cause i dont make have the usual outlets people do to make friends: school, working around other people. im usually always by myself. so we will see how all that pans out. ill keep u informed.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    reflections

    i was looking at facebook. everyone posts about their family or bf/gf or some type of interesting event. if u go down my wall all u see are random posts about fashion, or flashback photos about things from the 90s, music. i know ppl can paint any type of picture they want on facebook, but...one of my old classmates, who's really a cool person , is married and him and his wife recently had another child. he was cradling the baby in his hands and kissing his forehead. i dont want children at all, i never have. but it just made me realize how empty my life is. everything in my life is superficial. maybe im being hard on myself im not depressed (although still a lil sad about rick), but i couldnt help but feel like....what's missing? i dont want kids. im not a marriage person but im not opposed if my partner wanted that and we were in the right place.

    i dont know what else to say. i just feel an emptiness that i cant shake. its been here for years. maybe im just lonely. it's funny cause ppl that know me think ive got it together and that im social and have it so good. and i do have it good in certain areas of my life but my personal life has never been one of them. but im not the kind to whine and whine and not eventually do something about it so--->

    i put an ad up on a classifieds personal section looking for friends. and i do mean just friends. i put one up on the woman seeking woman and the man seeking man side too. i would prefer a female friend cause i know many times, guys will say just friends but sometimes try to move it in another direction. so i got some responses. im talking to one girl and she seems ok so far. i sensed a lil judgement when we started talking about our relationships and i told her about my situation with chad and rick. actually almost like she stopped texting for a few hrs. seeming a lil standoffish because i wasnt living life like she would. i dont like that vibe but im still talking to her so we will see. there's a real nice guy that im talking to also..he's an older man. let's call him T. as i knew, T sounds like he's looking for more of a dating thing, but friends first. i thought to myself all i need is more confusion in my dating life. but i am lonely...that's always my downfall, letting someone in cause im lonely. that's how chad came into my life (he started dating me after a breakup), and rick too. i was lonely from neglect from chad and then here came rick giving me attention i needed. we will see about T. he seems nice. we're supposed to meet each other on thursday...and you know ill be reporting here. it's not a date, just hanging out as friends and im going to treat it as such. i love chad and i love rick....i dont need more confusion and feelings

  11. #10
    Platinum Member testcase's Avatar
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    Hey luxurylover. Maybe you should look in to volunteering for something? I've been seeing what's available around me cause I feel very similar to you. No kids. Bit of an empty life feeling. I guess I feel like I've been living a selfish life. I don't know. I'm looking in to it and hopefully I'll start soon. I'll let you know how it goes, if it helps.

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