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Thread: I love myself & my freedom, but I'm getting lonely...

  1. #1
    Member Kandy29's Avatar
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    I love myself & my freedom, but I'm getting lonely...

    Soooo as everyone can see on my page, I have been through a ROLLERCOASTER of emotions with my last relationship. I have now been single for 3 years(this April) .... Although I REALLY enjoy my space, my peace of mind, and my alone time, I've been getting so lonely . I always say to myself "I'm alone but I'm not lonely" and I've really been rethinking that LOL. I have tried to get back in the dating scene which that went great till this dude lied right in my face about a girl I had a BIG gut feeling about. Idk if I just have bad luck or if the guys I'm choosing are poor choices. I also don't know if 3 years is enough time for me to love myself more since I was in a toxic relationship for 7 years, but it sure feels like I've been single for so long. I admit, I really miss compassion and romance. hugging, kissing, cuddling, cute kisses for no reason.... I want to be CHERISHED, My ex never told me I was beautiful or that I looked pretty today or any other days. I want to feel pretty on my own though and it's so hard... sometimes I'm too scared to approach guys or even try to hang w/ them because I feel like they're judging my imperfections. I feel so crazy but it's just been so hard to appreciate myself lately. I have a great job, a new car, friends, family, money, but I'm still not completely happy....... Should I branch off into learning something new? I need advice.

  2. #2
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    Keep the focus on you. Find things, activities, interests to keep you fulfilled while remaining open to the possibility of a healthy relationship. Know what makes you happy and what you want and don't settle. Put yourself first before any feelings of loneliness. The rest will fall into place, with or without a significant other. Love is something you have for yourself. Having the right person at the right time to share it with is just a bonus.

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    How important is it to you to feel pretty on the outside and to be told you are pretty (on the outside?). With 100% honesty in your response -that might shed some light on part of the current situation you're in.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sounds to me like you need to address your insecurities more directly. My personal mileage is that people who are terrified of being judged for their imperfections tend to be perfectionists themselves who judge others quite harshly. In other words, they are terrified of being judged as they judge. Some food for thought.

    I don't think another hobby will help here. You already built a solid life for yourself by yourself. Now you need to clean house mentally and emotionally. Self help books or counseling, but either way roll up your sleeves and start working on your insecurities because tangential things like a career, friends, hobbies are obviously not enough. More time alone won't help either unless it's constructive.

    Three years is a long time, btw. Don't get to the point where you are so lonely and desperate that you end up making horrible decisions just because of that.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Great strides. Yes, learn new stuff. Take some classes and courses at the local university. Language any topic something that interests, etc you. Look up adult ed courses. Join some clubs and groups. Volunteer. Meet people slowly and organically until you feel ready to date/trust again.
    Originally Posted by Kandy29
    I have a great job, a new car, friends, family, money, but I'm still not completely happy....... Should I branch off into learning something new?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I agree with others. Put yourself out there in person such as joining various groups whether it's MeetUps for exercise, hobbies, intellectual courses, professional organizations (outside your workplace - seminars, certification programs, etc.), outings / excursions, church (if you're religious and faith-based) and ask around with your friends and family as they've already done their homework for you. Many people meet others through mutual friends.

    In the meantime, take care of your health.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP I went through something similar so I totally understand where you are coming from... 3 years single and on the one hand enjoying my life totally... on the other hand, Saturdays were hard as those were the days I tended to feel the most lonely.

    It's okay and totally normal to feel that way. It's also totally understandable that you miss cuddles, affection, and regular intimacy... they boost all sorts of feel good hormones and contribute to our overall feeling of well-being, security and belonging.

    With that in mind, this:

    Idk if I just have bad luck or if the guys I'm choosing are poor choices.
    Is a mindset that needs to change if you want to have a relationship. It's neither of those things. I don't totally understand chemistry or why we are attracted to someone, but there is much more to it than we realize. When it comes to choosing, I think asking yourself why you are choosing this person, and being willing to let them go if you see ANY red flags is a huge step towards finding the right person. I also think chemistry is based on past experiences, our family relationships, and so much more. This is where counselling and self-reflecting will help you get to the root of why you make the choices you do.

    Close doors firmly on your past... taking responsibility for your actions and behaviors and looking at how you can change them in the next relationship... practicing those changes with friends and family... date without expectations but with the view of meeting as many people as you can until someone meets all of the criteria you have for a relationship.

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    Member Kandy29's Avatar
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    It's MORE important for me to FEEL pretty than to be told I'm pretty.

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    Member Kandy29's Avatar
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    Thank you v much ♥♥♥

  11. #10
    Silver Member Spawn's Avatar
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    I have my imperfections as well , just don't have any expectations & approach. Take it slow. My past relationships, have always seen the bad part of a person but somehow felt no courage to breakup. If you come to a point of realization that it will not workout then be honest with yourself and let it go.
    I know its very tough, but heart is heart & we always have a choice.


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