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I feel numb, empty and confused - Can you help?


Agent320

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Dear All,

 

Firstly thankyou so much for taking the time to read this - I am going to keep this short and hopefully to the point as I don't want to bore you, but I would be grateful for your advice.

 

Five years ago I met this beautiful woman, Beverly.... professional, witty, good company and I basically fell in love with her. She has two boys and I invested time and love into them too - I helped with their university studies, went out with them for the odd beer - rightly or wrongly I helped them out financially when things were tough for them and I was welcomed into the family. Roll on to last year, Bev and I were struggling... she had her own house an hours drive away where she and the boys lived. Monday to Thursday Bev stayed with me at my house as it was closer to both our places of work. However, after a time, I felt that my house was being used as a hotel. I was doing the laundry, cleaning and making sure the house was in shape for the week to come. This I normally did on a Saturday and then went shopping to stock up for the week ahead. Sunday I used to visit her at her house. I guess that it was the start of me feeling I was being used. I told her how I felt and she went straight onto the defensive saying how she had brought up 2 boys on her own and didn't really have time for my sh*t... in other words get on with it. I lost my Father and then my Mother.. whilst Bev was kind of there, she wasn't really there, by my side, if you know what I mean.. life went on for her - she has a demanding medical job, and I respect that. In November I came home to find a card on the doorstep saying the relationship was over. I was stressed out of my head, to be fair, as by business was struggling. I wasn't the best company. I take full responsibility for that and I really didn't blame her for not wishing to be around a moody miserable ba*tard like me. Things were so touch at work I was only 2 months away from folding. She said that she was depressed, stressed and busy at work and needed to support her boys.. she was always quite an anxious lady. After Christmas she wanted to meet up and we did have a nice time... we agreed what would need to change and we agreed to give it another go. Thankfully a contract came in whilst we were apart that saved my business. However, in the interim time that we were on a break (as she called it) she had placed a deposit on a puppy. It was always something I had wanted and she new that. I asked her not to go ahead with it and that if we were serious we should choose one together and welcome it into our life together. Fast forward 3 weeks and the first I know of the puppy was when I saw her new Whatapp photo. So she did it. Without me.

 

So guys, I am on the brink of saying enough is enough and walking away. I feel that my thoughts and feelings have not been considered and that she is independent and just uses me for convenience.. I don't want to be the monster that says get rid of the dog... or something like its the dog or me! I feel so empty that someone could do this that I'm just about to end it with her and move on.

 

May I have your thoughts as I am the sort of person that like to see both sides, but I am so close to the situation, I cant see my way forward on this. Its like when its good, the relationship couldn't be better, but when its bad, it is nothing short of a headache...

 

Thankyou so much. I really appreciate it.

 

Best wishes

 

David

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I feel so empty that someone could do this that I'm just about to end it with her and move on.
Just about to end it? Why not just end it. You're clearly two people that shouldn't be together and the only thing that is keeping you there is your codependent fear of being without her. That's not love, it's addiction. Cold turkey, no contact withdrawl from her will get you to the stage of indifference so you can find someone worth being with. Someone who you don't have to start a thread about.
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I think it's rather strange that after a five year relationship where you invested time and love into her and her family that you would start worrying about her staying at your house so much. I get the feeling you didn't communicate very well with her; otherwise, you would have brought it up and maybe suggested some kind of division of finances and duties that was agreeable to both of you.

 

Instead, you started harboring resentment towards her.

 

The dog she got is now HERS. If you don't want the dog in your house, tell her to leave it at her place. If you can't communicate your feelings to each other, what good is this relationship?

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Just about to end it? Why not just end it. You're clearly two people that shouldn't be together and the only thing that is keeping you there is your codependent fear of being without her. That's not love, it's addiction. Cold turkey, no contact withdrawl from her will get you to the stage of indifference so you can find someone worth being with. Someone who you don't have to start a thread about.

 

My thoughts, exactly.

 

You're not with her because of love. In bad times, she barely supported you. You resent her and it doesn't sound like you spend much quality time together anymore.

You're holding on due to not wanting to be alone.

That's not a reason to continue.

 

You both are going in different directions. The best you can do now, is to let this relationship go with dignity.

Wish her well, move on.

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Not sure why you feel she was taking advantage of you and how. She is an independent woman, with her own home and income. She was staying with you effectively because of the relationship and because you both agreed it's working for you.

 

As for the dynamic itself - you set it yourself so you do need to take some serious responsibility for that not only for this relationship but any relationship. You were more or less living together, but rather than discussing fair share of chores and household duties as a couple, you continued to treat her like a guest in your home for all this time and then grew resentful and then exploded with something that comes across as bizzare "you are taking advantage of me". In her shoes, my reaction would probably be same rather bewildered thought that I don't know what's wrong with you but I don't have the patience to deal with such wild accusations. I'd be looking at you like you are unhinged. Sounds like her reaction was similar.

 

The situation with her sons comes across as odd as well. They are at uni? They are young adults who need to live their own lives and deal with their own challenges. You were helping them with their studies??? What? They are not a 6 year old child who needs to be taught how to do homework. It almost sounds like neither you nor her are allowing these guys to actually grow up. Doesn't sound very healthy to be honest.

 

Overall, this whole situation comes across like you martyr yourself and then expect your partner to bend over backwards to thank you for it....except most people don't operate like that and don't enjoy that kind of a dynamic.

 

The puppy thing - your relationship is on the fritz. She can well do as she likes. If she wants a dog, she is free to get herself a dog. Likewise, if you want a dog, you are free to do the same. You are bf/gf, not a married couple living together and you shouldn't use animals to bond over.

 

If you were a couple living together full time and she went and just got a dog without consulting with you, then you have the right to be upset. Right now, you are two people kind of dating, but living separately. Completely different thing. You are basically using this dog thing as validation/failure to validate your feelings and resentments. I think you need to take a good look at yourself and what you do in the relationship and how and get at the real root of your resentments and need for validation. What you are doing is simply unhealthy and unreasonable.

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You're not getting what you need and are unhappy with the status quo. You have tried communication and it has not brought about the changes you hoped it would. It sounds like you don't have much left to give and are not receiving enough. That is the time to walk away with grace and regain your happiness, as opposed to subjecting both of you to a situation that you no longer want to be in.

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After 5 years, the honeymoon was over and your relationship had run its course. The monotony of mundane chores set in. You're not mature enough to handle a relationship because maturity means you have to accept boredom everyday and weekly household routines. Relationships or life are not constant parties. Sure, there are good times but the daily grind is not exciting and being mature means to know this is how daily life is day in and day out.

 

Then you throw in that she's a mother. Well, I'm a mother so I qualify telling you that a mother's mind is divided and distracted toward her family responsibilities, concerns, worries and her own household to run. You will never fully comprehend this concept until you become a parent. As long as Beverly is a mother, you will forever share her with her sons. Her sons will always take priority over you as blood is thicker than water, David. Either be prepared to constantly make accommodations for her and her sons, cooperate, bite your tongue and look the other way, take a backseat or get out.

 

I've also owned pets including cats AND dogs. My 14 year old dog whom I raised since puppyhood was a lot of work! They need to be taken out to go to the bathroom 5 - 6x day, fed twice a day, require daily walks, grooming, there are expensive vet bills and dogs are like taking care of toddlers for 14 years. Then as dogs age, like humans, they are riddled with arthritis, slow down, become rickety and very high maintenance until their tragic end. As cute as they are, dogs are a huge, serious responsibility. Therefore, Beverly actually has "3 kids" to take care of; not just 2. It's HER dog. You don't have the right to dictate what other people do.

 

Both of you are not married. There's a difference between a relationship and a marriage and a dynamic difference between a spouse and a boyfriend or girlfriend. You have less say so in a relationship. Both sides have more freedom which can either be good or bad depending on the situation.

 

It's time for you and Beverly to go your separate ways because you can't cope when the relationship isn't on a high. Also, your job situation and moods are cyclical and unstable whenever there's a downturn regarding your financial survival. Therefore, your stress levels rise which spills over to your ire in your personal life. All of those issues are a volatile mix and not conducive to a steady, sound personal life such as a relationship with a significant other.

 

If you wish to save your relationship, you are required to have the patience of a saint. Remain silent as you help with university studies, dole out money when times are tough for them, endure shopping, stocking up, exercising extreme self-control and self discipline whenever you're nervous and stressed about your job situation (lack of contracts), know you are 6th tier after Beverly's job, kids, dog and house. If you can't handle it, breakup.

 

It sounds like you burned out. In other words, having a relationship with a mother with a house hours away, her job, 2 sons and a dog is too high maintenance for you and her. An easier relationship is with a woman who is local, childless, petless and with obvious less responsibilities for others.

 

When my husband and I were dating, it was easy because we had time, energy and resources to focus on only each other. There were zero distractions other than our normal, stable jobs. Dating was joyful because we were both local, it was just us and no one else in the relationship.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like it was over when she left the note. Not sure why she and her family can't get a dog without you. Why not get whatever puppy you want for yourself?

In November I came home to find a card on the doorstep saying the relationship was over. I was stressed out of my head, to be fair, as by business was struggling.Fast forward 3 weeks and the first I know of the puppy was when I saw her new Whatapp photo.
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Thankyou all for your advice.... I guess I will move on. Some hard words to read there but its what I needed I guess.

 

Thankyou again.

 

You're welcome, David. You're smart for moving on. Never waste your time, energy and resources on a taxing relationship. Any time you have to work so hard on a relationship, it means the relationship is NOT working.

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