Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 18

Thread: After 10 years my ex split

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    7

    After 10 years my ex split

    So this is long and complicated but Iíll keep it as short as I can. My ex and I split after 10 years when she cheated/monkey branched me for a coworker. I caught her roughly 4 weeks ago being at his place all day. I told her to leave and she never came home and has moved in. We were together for 10 years. We met when we were each with other people. She left her husband for me and I my GF at the time. 2 years in she went back to him when things had gotten bad between us because we donít communicate our problems well. 4 months later we got back together. We lived together , had moved Into separate apartments one street apart (due to the lease) and started talking because we kept seeing each other. Fast forward to a couple years ago (after we moved to AZ together) she got in some big time trouble and wound up in prison. I also got in trouble because I had used her credit card but ended up being cleared and allowed to come home with a clean record. Lost my job and a bunch of money (hit my family hard as well). I supported her for her year in prison and she came home a little over a year ago. The past year was ok but we ended up having the same problems and not talking about them. I generally ignore her and wrote her off when Iím unhappy and she gets depressed and doesnít tell me. She ended up finding someone she now says makes her happy. I think they were seeing each other for a few months before I caught her.

    I know each situation is different so I would some peopleís opinions on whatís going on and what they think the future could hold. Everyone says I need to stay clear of her, and Iím getting in that space, but I do still love her. Anyway. Hereís the deets.

    Sheís moved out some of her clothes (before I noticed)

    Each time she only takes a few things like pillows and clothes and meds.

    She is on parole, and did not change her address with them. She just had her scheduled visit with them this week. She SHOULD be changing it soon.

    She hasnít forwarded her mail yet

    She didnít plan on movers. Iíve had to ask her a few times when sheís getting her stuff out. No answers yet. I have her until the end of the month.

    A week after we split, I tried to be on board with things (thanks to online stuff) and said I supported her and would leave her alone. We ended up sleeping together.

    She has started randomly texting me stuff about tv shows. It happened twice. Since the last time I texted her once she didnít reply. So I started no contact.

    We texted yesterday about her stuff and her parole visit. This is when I have her the deadline for the end of the month. I ended up dealing out over her leaving and wrote her a letter apologizing for my part in things and told her I love her and it was somewhat of a goodbye letter. Her reply was ďthank you for the letter and Iím sorry your hurtingĒ

    So my big questions are for people who cheated and left, and then came back, does this sound like that kind of situation? I see signs sheís not sure but then her response to the letter was cold. Should I plan on her never coming back or does it seem likely since she did before? What are peopleís thoughts. It helps to talk about this stuff so any opinions or thoughts are welcome. Thanks!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,967
    You asked her to move out and gave her a deadline to move out and you're asking if she'll come back???

    I'm confused...if you want her to come back why ask her to move out in the first place?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,706
    It sounds like a lot has happened over 10 years, as it tends to.... sigh. Based on what you wrote, I think, yes, she will come back.

    She sounds very damaged, emotionally speaking, unable to be alone, prone to making bad decisions, some that landed her in jail, sleeping with multiple partners, unable to be responsible for her own needs, from basic survival and living to committing to the steps required to get her life on track to being a functional adult and member of society.

    I think a healthier, more stable person would run from this situation and never look back. Have you even considered that? Other than sex and having "someone", why do you want her back?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,828
    Gender
    Female
    She left him for another guy. He gave her a deadline to pick up what's left of her stuff.

    Seems like a classic case of how you got them is how you'll lose them. She found a shiny new toy and you got discarded. Of course, she might keep you on a string for awhile in case things go abruptly south with the new toy. If they do, no doubt she'll come back.....for awhile....until she finds another guy to cheat with. This is who she is and you signed up for this with your eyes wide open and well informed given that you were her cheating partner yourself.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    7
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You asked her to move out and gave her a deadline to move out and you're asking if she'll come back???

    I'm confused...if you want her to come back why ask her to move out in the first place?
    While sheís with this other person i donít think itís fair that she be allowed to keep her things at my place. Iím more trying to gauge a typical length of a rebound/monkey branching relationship. I donít see how itís fair to me if i let her keep her things there

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    7
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    She left him for another guy. He gave her a deadline to pick up what's left of her stuff.

    Seems like a classic case of how you got them is how you'll lose them. She found a shiny new toy and you got discarded. Of course, she might keep you on a string for awhile in case things go abruptly south with the new toy. If they do, no doubt she'll come back.....for awhile....until she finds another guy to cheat with. This is who she is and you signed up for this with your eyes wide open and well informed given that you were her cheating partner yourself.
    Truth. This is how she handles getting out of relationships and we both did it before. Iím not even as upset about the cheating as i should be. More so that I let things get so bad that it happened.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    7
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    It sounds like a lot has happened over 10 years, as it tends to.... sigh. Based on what you wrote, I think, yes, she will come back.

    She sounds very damaged, emotionally speaking, unable to be alone, prone to making bad decisions, some that landed her in jail, sleeping with multiple partners, unable to be responsible for her own needs, from basic survival and living to committing to the steps required to get her life on track to being a functional adult and member of society.

    I think a healthier, more stable person would run from this situation and never look back. Have you even considered that? Other than sex and having "someone", why do you want her back?
    I am trying to go through everything and take a strong inventory of what I want. I know my instant reaction is to want her back. Iím starting to see the other side of it. We did have some strong years together. She was always loyal until things got bad. And I take my share of the responsibility for them getting that way. Iíve dove into therapy since the breakup and see a lot of things I can do better. Weíve always had a connection and thereís still a huge part of me that loves her.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,828
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by GreyFuzzball
    Truth. This is how she handles getting out of relationships and we both did it before. Iím not even as upset about the cheating as i should be. More so that I let things get so bad that it happened.
    Ah but that's the thing about cheating. It's never about the existing relationship or you being a bad partner or what you could have done better. That's simply her character and who she is. You could be a perfect bf and it won't stop her from suddenly discarding you for a new shiny toy.

    That said, this mess and stringing along will continue as long as you will allow it. Cut the string and it will be over. Love from afar so to speak and eventually that will fade as you heal and move on. Glad to see that you are seeking some therapy. Be sure you don't blame yourself but rather focus on how to make better choices going forward.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,706
    Originally Posted by GreyFuzzball
    I am trying to go through everything and take a strong inventory of what I want. I know my instant reaction is to want her back. Iím starting to see the other side of it. We did have some strong years together. She was always loyal until things got bad. And I take my share of the responsibility for them getting that way. Iíve dove into therapy since the breakup and see a lot of things I can do better. Weíve always had a connection and thereís still a huge part of me that loves her.
    I understand and applaud you going to therapy. Its not easy to move forward.

    A lot of people site connection and past good times for the reasons they stay or want to get back together. I know I have.... but those reasons are not enough, especially, if the other person is not doing their part to work out issues.

    I think all relationships, like partners, are good, until they are not.

    I think the old saying, a person is only as loyal as their options may apply.

    Good luck to you. While I'm sure you both have a hand in the problems, you seem to be ahead of her, in many respects- therapy, parole, self-sufficient... I'd focus on that and keep moving forward with your own life.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,967
    Originally Posted by GreyFuzzball
    While sheís with this other person i donít think itís fair that she be allowed to keep her things at my place. Iím more trying to gauge a typical length of a rebound/monkey branching relationship. I donít see how itís fair to me if i let her keep her things there
    My ex is still with his "monkey branch" woman 11 years later. I don't think there's a "typical" time frame for relationships that begin before the previous one ended.

    I would hope you'd want a better quality woman to share your life with.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Videos


Why People Lie On Online Dating Services?

Relationships During Quarantine

Cheating Husbands Are at Risk of a Heart Attack

Romance At Work: Yes Or No?

How To Overcome A Divorce

Love Hormone Oxytocin Improves Stressful Relationships
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •